


Unitas/Concordia

by Celestos (Seruspica)



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: M/M, Shounen Fights, Some violent scenes, Supernatural Elements, Urban Fantasy, some mentions and later implications of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-05-24 00:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 119,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6135334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seruspica/pseuds/Celestos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. There are three things that set a first-degree exorcist apart from any other human being: their ability to summon a light-based weapon capable of killing shadows, their instincts telling them to use that weapon… and that apparently, they smell. Shou Marufuji had no idea of that last one. Not until Judai Yuki walked into his life, anyway. Anikishipping, for the wonderful friend, and for everyone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue - exitium/creatio

**Author's Note:**

  * For [imperfectPacifist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imperfectPacifist/gifts).



> [Cover art by the author]
> 
> Welcome to my biggest project yet. This has been on-and-off and in the works since September 2015, and I just couldn't bear the idea that this ship gets so little love...
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chaos, and the ride that comes with this.
> 
> Yours, Celestos

* * *

* * *

 

**Original.**  
_**exitium/creatio** _  
**a prologue**

_"In the beginning of all things, there was light._

_The light came from one place and yet, it also came from all directions, ending silence with sharp awakenings and forcing life out of confines. It destroyed, and in that sense, created; giving birth to chaos from peace, but in that sense, starting the flow of time and space itself, and thus, through destruction, the light brought creation to the world._

_And yet, isn't that contradictory?_

_Because if the light created all things, then there could have been nothing but light at the start, but there was the darkness, gentle and nurturing, keeping within itself the secrets and the potential of life. Those essences all slept within it, having been created by darkness - but the dark did not allow them to exist, not truly, and so life existed, and yet did not exist, until the coming of the light._

_When was life truly born? When are we truly alive? From the moment we taste air for the first time and our first cries sound out? From the moment our hearts, or our brains, or our other organs, take shape in a mess of fluid and voices? From the moment two essences fuse together, in the wake of human unity through convergence in coitus?_

_There are too many questions in this world. Whichever side you argue for… there is always an answer against it. All things regarding creation are nothing but contradictory._

_Perhaps that is the reason why the darkness and the light have coexisted from the time of all beginnings, in the earliest reaches of space - even before the concepts of time and space themselves existed in the way that we now know them._

_The world, indeed, is a series of contradictions. And this is why, following on from this perspective, the twin forces of light and darkness, and the two dualities of creation and destruction, have loved each other from the universe's beginning, and hated each other, too."_

**\- Excerpt from 'The Ways of the Universe and the Nature of Man: The Alchemist's Reflections on Nature'. Unpublished manuscript, author unknown, approx. early twentieth century. Translation from German by A. Daitokuji.**

 

* * *

 

**Author's note**

_'destruction/creation'_

 

 

 


	2. calamitas/infamia

**One. _  
calamitas/infamia_**

Exorcist blood ran thick in Shou Marufuji's veins, and so, his judge was his father.

Their kind lived by sets of their own clan laws. Old as the clan itself, they were passed down in the oral tradition, and so the eldest made the final decisions in the clan. Even if he no longer wielded the blade, judgement fell into the hands of that clan senior, no matter what the opinions of anyone else were.

There was no use questioning the decision that senior came to. For once, Shou was thankful for it.

His father knew mercy. He could be a forgiving man, and he knew that. Years of rough fights and life-or-death decisions, and his own time as a young man had given him understanding and experience of life. He struggled to imagine a greying man like him with a weapon in his hands and blood on his clothes - for reasons other than the odd domestic accident - and yet, it was one of those things that nobody dared question. His father _had_ been a fighter, as had his father before him, and that was a fact.

Shou himself had nothing on any member of his small family. He was sixteen, and knew nothing, and worse still, was the second-born child. Fate had never been in his favour.

And yet, deep down, more than anything, he hoped that as his elder and as a member of the same family, his father would understand.

He'd had more 'judgements', more of these bitter formal disciplinary meetings, more harsh words and statements than birthdays and New Years celebrations.

He hated himself for it. All at once, he knew he couldn't help it.

He'd been swearing for years, that one day, he would make them all proud. He'd said it that very morning, even - he'd woken up and he'd said that he'd prove himself this time. He'd had that desperate feeling back then, stronger than usual: that this time, he would come home proud, unscathed and heroic. Some day, and maybe even on this day - he felt it, more than ever - he would return from the hunt, having done his job as a Marufuji clansman, and he'd be able to stand proud, shoulders back and chest out, as strong as the resisting chain that was his family's symbol.

He was here, however. He was weak, and he'd come away with his own blood on his hands.

His palms ached still, where skin had been scraped off against rough ground. The pain wasn't terrible - far from it, _stupidly far_ \- and the injury was nothing, compared to what he'd seen his brother return with once.

He had only lost a bit of skin on his palms, and he'd done it because of stupidity.

A few seconds of losing focus was all it had taken. His face was flushed with shame at the memory. He'd frozen in place, dumb in the danger zone. He had not even managed to nudge his glasses back into place before the enemy had lashed out at him.

He had been lucky to escape that way.

The look his brother had given him told him all he'd needed to know. It was thanks to him that he was still alive. He had been pushed back just in time, and Ryou had taken his place in battle, valiant where he had been cowardly.

Worst of all, he'd tripped on the concrete and been left with irritated, but barely bleeding palms. It was a disappointing injury; a sarcastic, twisted take on the noble battle scar.

The physical pain had almost faded. Inside, Shou's heart was far from settled.

He had walked off alone, thinking he'd lost Ryou behind him, and happy to be independent. He'd finally distanced himself, from his brother, and he was alone. He'd been so determined to prove himself on his own - and it shamed him, knowing just how foolish he'd been.

Ryou had been behind him all along. His brother could not be deceived. He'd not fallen back, following on all the way, and he hadn't even been able to notice.

It was as if his brother had known he would get into trouble, and had come to save him; and that in itself, was an embarrassment.

Shou still remembered Ryou's gaze as he returned from the fight. Ryou had barely broken a sweat in the fray, whereas he was struggling to get his breath back still, long after the foe had been slain, shaking with panic.

Ryo was unfaltering, unbending, as sharp as cold steel. He was nothing in comparison.

He'd tried to protest, but had gotten nothing but even more humiliated. His brother had resorted to binding him.

Each clan had a skill, and the Marufuji had the power to bind. He recalled the sting as chains forged of light had coiled around him, leaving him restrained until he had submitted to Ryo. Even after he had given in, his brother had still been clearly bitter.

His stomach ached, as if Ryo's chains were still squeezing him. The vice-hold had endured; even now, almost an hour after he'd let go of him and the chains had dissipated. His hands ached too, and at the same time, itched for the cool familiarity of metal.

With his left hand, - the one that was not aching as much, his weaker hand - he pushed the door open to the study, sighing.

 _I've failed again,_ he thought. _It's all I'm good at._

_So much for doing it this time._

He decided not to look up. He knew his father's eyes. He knew that at times, they could be kind, but in truth, they were dangerous eyes. He knew that, because Ryo had dangerous eyes, too. What Shou had, Ryo did not have, and what Ryo had, Shou could only desire. The elder was the taller of the two, more confident and stronger, and more than a few, Shou knew, had considered him handsome. Broad-shouldered, not thick yet incredibly powerful, Ryo was a force to be reckoned with in virtually every field: the intellectual, the physical, and even the supernatural.

He felt sorry that Ryo had to put up with him as a younger brother.

Shou was smaller, wide-eyed and 'blessed' with bad sight. He'd not inherited the steely blue gaze that branded the Marufuji clan; his eyes were an odd green-grey mix, far from that of his brother and father. Similarities were few between him and either of the two true clansmen.

_Maybe I was destined to be the odd one out._

Shou had never been a believer in fate, and yet couldn't help but ponder the idea. He was small, weak, and reliant on glasses. It all added up, whether he liked it or not.

Even so, he longed for his blade to sing, too, in his hands.

He hated his exorcist's blood, and wanted it still at the same time. The feel of a weapon in his hands soothed him in ways he couldn't explain.

He shook his head. Now wasn't the time. Reassurance was what he wanted right now, and yet, the thing he could not have. He was powerless to fight his father's decision. He was alone in the room, with his hands behind his back, in a half-lit study, trying to meet his father's eyes but meeting the floor instead. It was as if the books and ornaments on the shelves had grown eyes. The room seemed darker. He was being stared at. He could almost hear laughter.

 _You're shameful. Give up now,_ the voice in his head hissed.

Trying to shake off the feeling, he prayed in the back of his mind. _I've only been trying._

"Shou…"

He heard his father sign, weary with age, more so with effort. Moisture had started to gather on his hands. Shou nodded at the sound of his name, voice barely squeaking out in response. He had his case to plead; something he had to speak about, to justify -

"Please." It was all he managed. Within the space of the study, a thousand judges seemed to be examining him from every corner, peering out from behind nooks and crannies. He shivered at the idea, losing control and starting to tremble.

"Shou, how many times must we tell you this? You do not need to ever do this. It's not needed."

That was true. He knew that. His head knew that his father was right. But there was his heart. There was the longing for something cold in the hand, some song in the wind and some slaughter of fiends in the dark; the cry he felt in the depths of his body when he saw a fight with his own eyes…

"I… I want to, though." Shou replied, slower this time, trying to keep himself under control. "Is… is that bad?"

He didn't know the answers to his own questions. He'd thought it a good thing since he'd first learned of exorcists as a child. He'd idolised the men and women whose names he'd never learnt, and admired them, as he admired the heroes in books and in movies he saw - and yet, these people were real. They'd had to train hard and do the right thing, and most importantly - he'd had it hammered into his mind from the beginning - they had to keep that duty secret, for their safety and for the safety of others.

Shou had never considered telling. He could only imagine what would happen to him.

_But… what's going to happen now?_

He hadn't told anyone, still. All he'd done was try to fight a shadow. He'd decided that he was going to do it this time, now or never - he'd pick up his weapon and run at it and cut until the wretched thing lay smouldering on the ground.

Instead, he'd frozen in place.

In the end, Ryo did things himself. He'd forced him back home.

He was sure that Ryo was listening now, behind that closed door, and he was sure that Ryo was looking down on him.

"You realise that there is no point in it?" His father let out a heavy sigh. "That there's no point in you trying to fight shadows? Ryo is your older brother. It's always been the oldest child."

That was true. From his earliest memories, and probably from his birth nearly seventeen years ago, he had been treated differently from Ryo. And Ryo had known from the start that he and his brother were different. The youngest had the blood and the instincts and the base capability; all but the responsibility… and _the Soul of the Kaiser._

He could still try. Wasn't there worth in it?

"I… I know. I know I don't have to, but… I want to. I want to help others. I want to do the right thing." Avoiding his father's eyes at all costs, Shou's gaze met the floor. His cheeks burned red. "Isn't that… fine? Isn't helping out… fine?" He pleaded.

A silence followed. The older man shook his head. "It's only fine when you know what you're doing."

"But I know…"

"It's best that you don't do it."

"But why?" There had to be some argument, some other reason to fight. He felt it, he knew he had to do something; people would suffer without it… "Why can't I? You… you said it yourself, all the time… I-I mean, I feel that I have to, it's right…"

His father shook his head. Shou froze, a sinking feeling in his gut telling him to be quiet. He dared not object.

"What we feel and what is right might be two completely different things, Shou. Even though you might think it's right, you just…" He paused, as if struggling himself. For a second, Shou even felt a drop of relief.

"You just have to suppress that. It's time you learned that. And if you try this again, the next time… _we will not help you._ "

His heart sank as quickly as it had risen with hope.

"But you said… If it's a part of me telling me that it's right to do good things…"

"If a part of you tells you to _die_ , do you do it?" Shou didn't have an answer.

"I'm sorry. Ryo will not help next time." Those were the final words.

Shou's answer was silence. He'd known it. He had nothing to say back.

He'd had no hope from the start. His father made the decisions. Maybe it was for the best, even, as much as he resented the idea of letting go of his weapon. It comforted him in some strange way, and he so badly desired to bring home at least a little pride. He'd been born with the blood of an exorcist, and that blood wanted to boil with heat and white fire.

At the same time, he was clumsy and awkward, and most of all, frightened. His own fear shamed him and scorched at his insides; he felt sick with terror every time he crossed paths with a shadow. His hands trembled and shook more than gripped. It made terrible sense.

If his father was right, then he really would die at this rate, and Ryo wasn't going to help.

He hated himself for ever having kept hope.

In that sick, awful silence, Shou braced himself, and nodded in acceptance of the words he had been left with. He ignored the pain in his chest and the sting on his hands, and slowly opened the door. Saying nothing else, he left the room.

The corridor was dark. It was night outside. There was nothing more to hope for.

He couldn't put a word to the emptiness in his heart.

He lost count of the moments; even as a clock ticked and echoed, he clenched his fists and tried to forget the pain of being judged. It was impossible. Unmoving, long after the door had shut, Shou stood outside the room, fixed in place as the decision sank in, over and over. Something seared in his eyes. He forced the feeling down, refusing to let it take hold.

He couldn't make himself a worse human being than he'd shown himself to be.

Behind the shut door, he heard his father letting out an exasperated sigh. Faintly, he uttered something he suspected that Shou himself would not hear, and if he did, he would not understand.

"God _damn_ you, Saya. Damn your _curse_ on this clan."

The words burned. Then, they were lost in the dark.

* * *

Under pale moonlight, they called it 'the Soul of the Kaiser'.

In the hands of its wielder, the blade's edges glittered with silver, the silver clan chain-links carved into its shaft coming to life as it cut through the air. Beautiful, one of a kind, and above all, deathly. Forged from the souls of its countless wielders, changing shape as the bloodline flowed on, and aged through the generations, yet never weathered; such was the great inherited Marufuji blade.

The polearm was a gift, as was said, from God above and the heavens beneath him, above all men and below all divinity. Their kind, as was said, all bore their own blades, with families passing weapons to children and onwards, beyond.

Each clan had its blade. Each blade had its name, and each had its shape.

In Ryo Marufuji's hands, the Soul of the Kaiser _sang_.

Long fingers gripped the pole, firm and tight against the carved metal. The weapon - an elegant naginata-glaive hybrid - twisted and turned, stark white against the sky, as if enthralled in a dance. A faint hum echoed as the blade moved, cutting through the air with both elegance and terror. Its song resonated.

Ryo was as familiar to the Soul as if he had been born with the blade attached. His movements seemed effortless. Ryo was a master; the eldest of his generation and heir to the Marufuji pride, name and title. A magician with a great weapon in hand.

He swung it once, then twice, turning around and swinging it back; beautiful, stark eyes reflecting the light. It was something Shou knew he envied, deep down at the core of his being, even if he tried to deny it.

His own blade resembled a plain copy of a weapon similar to it. His hands naturally formed it, as was customary for all lesser exorcists within a clan. His weapon would be similar to that carried by the family, and yet not the same; his weapon was nameless and without an identity, and had no legacy other than a reminder of the true, inherited weapon that his brother carried.

He could never handle that blade. Even if he did, he lacked Ryo's skills with it.

Shou watched on from the shelter of the porch. It was deep night. The area was silent, and not a soul would see Ryo practice but himself. There was something so captivating about it, though he wasn't sure what exactly. The weapon excited him and left him in awe.

He looked away, trying to beat down the truth into place. He was nowhere near as skilled and would never be as such. His own father had said it. He couldn't fight, not like his brother.

When Ryo stopped moving, flicking his wrist to dispel his weapon in a flash of white flame, and looked back at him, Shou already knew that his eyes were not to be believed. Ryo had probably known he was there along. It stung him to know that he'd been so naive for so long, still believing he could outsmart him a few hours earlier.

The last of the flames around Ryo's palm flickered out, leaving nothing behind. He didn't move closer. The distance between them was thick with coolness, worse than the usual September cold.

"Don't just stand there. You're not doing anything good for anyone if you're just standing there." Ryo's voice called. Shou, biting his lip, sighed and walked closer to his brother.

_Is he just going to be angry at me? I did get in the way…_

"I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not good at these things."

It was an understatement. The look Ryo gave him was more emotionless than scathing, and yet, it still hurt.

"Shou…" Ryo trailed off, and for a moment, Shou swore he saw a wavering in his eyes. Was he forgiving him? Maybe he'd help him, somehow.

"Can't you teach me?" Shou asked, desperate. It was worth one last shot, he thought. If not their father, then perhaps the one who had the family weapon. Perhaps Ryo would have some mercy on him. He could show him, couldn't he? If Ryo still had faith…

His heart beat like a butterfly's wings in his chest. He silently prayed for a good answer.

"No."

Ryo's sole word was harsh and heavy. Shou bit his tongue with denial. His brother's face looked more demon than human under the lights. "Accept this. You're not going to be an exorcist, Shou."

Shou's heart began to sink, realising that he had gotten his hopes up again for no reason. It was bitter, wicked; wrong, and yet, he realised, he had to accept it.

He'd wanted to follow on in his family's footsteps too, like his brother, but if he was as bad as he was, there was no chance of it. Ryo was older, and far more agile and less clumsy - all that he wasn't. Shou knew he had been born last for a reason.

"I… I know." Tears stung at his eyes. He tried to hide, to get them to disappear; anything but fall. He couldn't cry at this. Not in front of his brother.

He'd already been bound by his own family member. Being put down by a family skill, let alone one he couldn't use, was a humiliation in a class of its own.

Ryo looked away, facing the distant moon. "Everything has a purpose. I don't know what yours is, but you're not going to be fighting the dark." He paused to breathe, letting his verdict sink in. "Some people are born to fight. Some people are just like that in this world. And it's cruel. It's why there is _darkness._ It's why we have to fight it."

The 'we' had almost been spat out, as if Shou was not a part of that 'we'. He was family, blood and spirit; but Ryo was right. The exorcists were strong people, far stronger than him.

"…You're not made for that."

Shou, too, carried the Marufuji name, but in spiritual terms, and in terms of succession, Ryo was the only one that would ever truly bear it. He would slay shadows by night and achieve success with other human beings by day. He'd live with both worlds of light and darkness beside him, continuing the job of an exorcist until his own child would come to take the blade for themselves.

The younger brother could call forth a weapon of sorts too. He could swing, and run with it, and fight - not well enough, though. If not for Ryo - and Shou knew it to be true - he would have died a long time ago.

There was still a sliver of hope. "Can't I try, though? Can't I keep practicing? I could improve…"

"You should have been beyond this years ago." Ryo interrupted. Shou felt the tone cut into him, penetrating and sharp. "Look at yourself. You look like your mother."

Shou's blood boiled at the bite in Ryo's last words. "I'm not -"

"Exactly. You're _not_."

"I could still try - "

That vicious look ever-present, Ryo stopped him before he could say any more. Expression both cruel and calm, everything about Ryo left Shou powerless and paralysed, alone in the dark. He shivered. He felt as if he was cloaked in an aura; akin to that of a shadow, but more pressing; familial, yet terrible.

Ryo did not stop. His verdict was bitter.

"Father said it himself. For your own safety. _You're not going to be one. You're not an exorcist._ "

Shou said nothing back. He didn't have the heart to. His head would not move away, even as the moonlight began to pierce through his eyes, making something in the corners sting. Wrestling with himself, he turned away.

_Was it wrong to feel like crying?_

He couldn't, not here. He was already weak in his family's eyes. He was, and he'd always been. He would always be smaller and weaker, and he would never reach that sort of skill, not even with effort.

"You aren't, and you never will be. And you need to accept this. If you don't accept it, then the responsiblity is yours, and _I will not save you next time._ "

 _Never, not ever, some savage voice replayed in his head._ The conversation was over.

Ryo turned, leading the way home; his black coat streamed behind him in darkness. Shou could do nothing but watch his brother walk away for the first few moments, before dragging himself behind.

He didn't understand.

Was it his eyes? Being constrained to glasses didn't make fighting easy. His hands fumbled too often. His limbs shook with nerves at the sight of a shadow. He'd tried to breathe and found himself choking. The voice in his head had screamed at him to run away the last time, and this time, and every time.

It was always the same.

At the same time, he couldn't deny his second voice; the one that told him to pick up the blade and scream and hack away at the monster before him. That voice clawed; the first voice of caution was a voice that tugged and pulled, far less painfully, and told him to get away for his own safety.

He had to listen to one. The one that had been tugging had been right all along.

His father was right. He was killing himself - and he would do it - at this rate. Looking down at his hands, the pain having subsided, he realised his luck - Ryo really had saved him. His few 'battle scars' being scrapes and the odd cut was the greatest blessing he had.

He was still alive, in spite of his countless failures as a fighter. His brother had saved him, not just once, but many, many times.

 _You're an exorcist still,_ something in his conscience denied.

He hated that part of his conscience. It really was telling him to die.

He cursed himself out, forcing himself not to cry, but gave up in the middle of that night. The future seemed desolate. He had time - he had all of tomorrow, and the days and years after to do something with himself. Time he had, but little knowledge. He'd try, he'd do anything to try; but some part of him wanted to give up there and then. Whatever he would end up doing, unlike his brother, he would never be worthy of his clan's reputation.

Being part of his clan, Shou realised, was not going to be an option for much longer.

He wasn't an exorcist, and the part of him that kept on proclaiming it was also the part of himself that would someday kill him if he continued.

More than anything, he had to oppose it, and _live._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _'misfortune/disgrace'_
> 
> Note that this fic was written before I switched to spelling the name as 'Ryou', hence it being a little inconsistent with my newer fics.
> 
> Shou and Ryou's parents are never mentioned in canon.
> 
> The term 'glaive' is a little vague and perhaps incorrect. The Soul of the Kaiser is, in reality, a mixture of the European glaive and the Japanese naginata, reflecting the Marufuji clan's ancestry. The name, (clearly German) originates from German blood, which is distant, but is still in there somewhere.
> 
> next chapter: an idiot walks into a classroom


	3. fors/consternatio

**Two.**  
**_fors/consternatio_ **

* * *

His penultimate year of school began the following day.

He'd barely slept the night before, tossing and turning with stress, the sharp cut of Ryo's gaze, and the words that damned him, repeating over and over. He wanted to move on and forget, and to accept he would never match him, so he would get over these thoughts. They stayed, however, teasing at him for hours before he'd managed to submit into sleep.

The alarm had woken him too early for his liking. He'd stayed in bed for as long as possible, before realising he would be late, darting out of bed and trying to make himself look presentable. The usual walk had been a run and a trip over his own laces; he'd scolded himself for his carelessness, but held back the worries eating away at his insides.

He'd had to take a deep breath before entering the classroom, swearing under his breath that he would do well this year. He made the pact there and then, with himself, deciding he would work hard and avoid looking like a fool for once.

If he would never be a good exorcist, he would, at least, try to succeed in some other part of life.

_Pull yourself together, Shou Marufuji. You're Ryo's younger brother._

Unlike himself, Ryo had success in the palm of his hand. Ryo was always going to be better than him, but he'd try and work something out. He had to.

 _Do other people have expectations like these?_ The thoughts plagued him over and over.

Deep down, he wished that he was not one of his family.

The first few hours went by uneventfully, with the exception of his fatigue. He found himself struggling to stay awake, trying to focus on mathematical equations he barely understood. It was as if he'd lost touch with the world. He promised himself he'd sleep more that day. He had to stop worrying.

Exorcisms could be left to Ryo any day. He'd work in some other department, go to university, try to find a job, talk to people. Ryo, of course, had all those things too. That, and the family's pride, control of his instincts, fulfilment, and the prestige that came with adding a kill to his name.

Ryo would take on that duty. He, on the other hand, had to find other things to make his family proud, though he would most likely get kicked out of the house at the first opportunity.

At lunchtime, he chose to avoid the crowd. He'd never been a popular one; he'd had his share of bullies picking on him for his height and the glasses he wore in younger years. They'd left him alone since, and he was thankful for that, but friends were something he continued to lack.

Misawa was the closest thing he had to a friend, but even he was preparing for the chess meeting that afternoon. That, or attempting to attract Taniya's attention. He'd noticed him twitch every time she'd walked past, and Misawa, admittedly, was never the most covert with his feelings. It had become a school-wide running joke, one that even Shou was aware of.

He was always among the last to hear things. Misawa was usually just as low-down on the list.

At least - he was relieved - he didn't have to have lunch with him today. The last thing he wanted was to socialise.

He wandered the corridors for a few minutes, peering into doorways to see if he could find somewhere quiet to sit. Classroom by classroom, it seemed that everywhere was occupied in some way, either by gossiping girls or those organising a club or teachers attempting to get their papers together.

Shou concluded that today was not going to be his day. He had history that afternoon, then chemistry. Neither was a subject he loved.

He wondered if anything would ever be _his thing_.

Coming to the end of one corridor, he was met with the sound of silence coming from one classroom door. Stopping to look inside, he was met with relief to find it deserted. One just-open window, the remainders of something grammar-related smudged on the board, a pair of running shoes left in one corner. Otherwise, perfectly empty.

He walked in, almost tossing his bag onto a desk at one side of the room. He had barely eaten anything for breakfast, and his stomach was clearly complaining about it. He'd have lunch, then think of a way of staying awake in chemistry. He'd had a bad streak last year; he'd landed himself in detention for it.

Physics was the one thing he seemed to like, but even that wasn't anything special.

Leaning back in his chair, Shou found himself staring at the ceiling in thought. _I've got to try harder. I've got to do better. I've got to get somewhere somehow. I'll graduate, at least, then see where my grades will get me. I'll leave my family, and settle down somewhere, and never think about exorcisms again._

It was the damn exorcisms. He had to accept it. He'd never be a hero, neither the kind he had dreamed of after seeing in movies, nor the sort that fought shadows in the night behind the backs of everyone else in secret. Exorcists were far from glorious warriors of legend.

Admittedly, being normal would be better - he wouldn't have to lie to anyone about his doings, at least.

He decided that was going to focus on _not lying_.

Shou was about to take his lunch out of his bag - he hoped the lid had stayed on, he hated it when it didn't - when his silence was invaded.

"Hey, you alone in there?"

Shou didn't recognise the voice. By the time he'd turned around to face the doorway again, the stranger had answered their own question, having walked through the door and lazily perching on top of a neighbouring desk.

"Yup, guess so. You mind if I sit here?"

Shou wanted to say 'no'. He wanted to tell him to leave him alone, and to hang around elsewhere. He wanted his own pleasant, private spot to eat and to think about personal matters. He did not want to deal with a complete stranger, not now of all times.

"Fine," was all he ended up saying, avoiding eye contact.

"Well, that's fine by me. Company makes it all better, hey?" Someone was clearly far happier here. It was irritating. The stranger spoke almost with a laugh, as if he had not a care in the world. Everything about the tone and the voice was intrusive.

It was the last thing Shou wanted.

Taking a look at the intruder, Shou realised that he'd been right; he really had never seen him before. He looked a similar age to himself - not younger, for sure, though the smile on him did make him seem childish. His uniform jacket looked rumpled but stiff, as if freshly bought yet actively worn. One hand was ruffling his own thick brown hair.

"I need to meet people…" He seemed so casual about it all, clearly in the know and yet willing to laugh in the face of things. Looking right at Shou, he stretched out his hand. "Just moved here. I'm Judai."

_Moved. That explains it._

Here was this stranger - a fellow student, but a stranger still - who had just sauntered in, jumped onto a desk, (and into his private space) and was now happily lounging on it. Now, he'd offered his hand. Shou wasn't sure how to act.

_Do I shake it?_

"…I've just settled in. We just got here last week. We used to live a couple hours from here, then we moved…" Crossing one leg over the other, Judai seemed to be completely oblivious to the absurdity of his situation. Shou wondered if he was going to tell him his entire life story next. "Well, that's that done, and now I'm here. I have no idea how the classroom map they gave me is supposed to work." Judai sat back up, his arm still outstretched.

Shou decided to speak up. "If you want help, you could just have asked for it."

Shrugging his shoulders, Judai put down his hand, most likely because holding it up was beginning to hurt. "All right, I'll ask you."

Still smiling and surprisingly genuine - _this can't be a prank,_ Shou thought - Judai shrugged off his jacket and tossed it aside, leaning in a little more than was comfortable.

"So… are you an exorcist?"

Shou almost dropped his lunch. _What the -_ "You what?"

"An exorcist. You know, _that_ kind."

" _What_ kind? Wha… what do you mean, an exorcist? Are you out of your mind?" Shou felt himself tense up, beginning to tremble. He'd never been asked such a question. If he was asking outright, then… _did he know about exorcists?_ Was he one of their kind?

He struggled not to panic. He had to play it off. He couldn't reveal it. Besides, he wasn't an exorcist, not _truly,_ at least. He wasn't an exorcist and he would never be one. The one exorcist in his family was Ryo, after their father, and after that, it'd be Ryo's children, not him -

Shou gasped as he felt Judai elbow him. It was playful, not painful - but he hadn't been expecting to be startled.

"Come on, you don't have to lie about it. I know you're an exorcist." Judai could have been talking about the second geography class, or Misawa's chess society, or internet blogging. The word 'exorcist' felt out of place in his tone. Here he was, asking about shadow slaying and the use of fantastical weapons while sat on a desk in a classroom, denying Shou the chance to eat and enjoy some privacy.

_How was he staying so… casual?_

Shou decided he would undermine him. "How do you know, then?"

"You smell like one."

Shou found himself giving Judai a look, both confused and a little horrified. Now this was ridiculous. He didn't smell like anything, to his knowledge, or was it his lunch? Did exorcists smell different than normal? Or, were they drawn to each other, or something, or…

"What the…?" He blurted it out, staring at Judai.

"Well, you don't _smell_ smell like one, you just - oh, what's the word? You feel like one, sort of, and I can feel you've got _something_ in you, but I don't know how best to say it. It's not like… it's not like a scent, actually, more like a _feeling,_ but that's not the right word for it…"

"You sound ridiculous," Shou interrupted. Judai had been rambling on about feelings and smells and the whole thing just sounded… absurd. Even if he knew the truth, then how had he really come to it? And how could he just have walked in and stated… all of that?

 _Judai, whatever his last name is, is officially a lunatic._ He decided that no matter what, he was going to avoid him.

"Look, it sounds like that, but seriously, I don't know how to even say it. It's just…" Judai came to a pause. He had stopped waving his hands around in search of ideas. "It's just that you've _got_ to be one. I've not met many, and… look, I want to know you!"

People didn't usually approach just like that and ask to… be friends, if you could call it that. Shou sighed. Part of him knew that this had to be a joke, or a cruel game, or some kind of dare. Nobody could just do that, not to him of all people.

Nobody cared for Shou Marufuji.

 _"Can't we be friends?"_ Judai was pining.

Some other part of him disagreed. He knew about exorcists, and how could anyone know about them, other than the fact that he had to be one? If what he'd said was true, then he really was new to the area. He'd somehow found out - if the smell thing was right, and Shou himself was far from certain - and now, he wanted to know all about him.

It wasn't a good reason to be friends, not with someone like that. Judai had to be playing around. People just didn't do that.

"I mean… I know it sounds strange, but I don't have any friends here. It's not much in common, but it could be a start."

Shou looked back at Judai again. Quieter now, he seemed pensive, lost in thought. He still seemed more positive than himself, though the wild grin had eased off, and he was looking much more relaxed. His carefree nature had faded out, even if only momentarily.

Judai's eyes - brown, like his hair - met his again. "Sorry if I freaked you out."

" _Now_ you apologise…" Shou mumbled. _Yes,_ he thought, _this is ridiculous._

"I didn't mean to, you know…"

"I don't know what you even _want_ from me."

"I want to be friends."

"Well, you don't just barge in and tell people they _smell!_ " Shou decided that he'd had enough. Was it not obvious to him? Whoever Judai was, whatever he could be, it didn't matter; wherever he'd come from, he'd clearly had no manners taught to him.

_And yet…_

A pregnant pause hung in the air, neither of the two people present brave enough to say another word. For half a minute - they lost count - all they heard was the ticking of the clock and voices of other students in the background. Nobody seemed to have heard a thing outside, and if they had, they had taken no notice. They were still alone in the silence of the room.

Judai shrugged, looking sheepish now. "I still didn't mean it like that."

"That doesn't mean that there aren't other ways to say it." Sighing, Shou got up from his chair, lifted his bag and swung a strap onto one shoulder, lunch in one hand. "I'm not an exorcist, anyway."

Recalling the past, the words burned inside. "I'll never be one."

"Wait!" Darting up from his position on the desk, Judai reached, as if to stop Shou leaving. "I'm sorry, OK? I didn't mean to… I didn't, serious!"

Shou knew that ignoring him would be best. All he had to do was leave the room. Somehow, he could avoid Judai, anyway, and he'd leave him alone. That was logic, at least - but even so, he stopped. Some part of him wanted to listen on, curious. What did he want from him, seriously?

_Did he really just want to be friends?_

"What did you mean, then?" Shou enquired, pressingly.

Judai looked on, eyes resembling that of a kicked animal. It was a terrible expression on someone like him. "I… Well…"

He let out a sheepish laugh. Shou resisted the urge to walk away again, contemplating giving him a punch to the face, if he would even be capable of it.

"I… I guess I haven't met any exorcists before. Well, maybe I have, but I've not really spoken to them. I mean, how are you meant to introduce yourself? You'd think I was joking if I just casually mentioned exorcists and shadows…" Judai was slowly calming, yet still obviously awkward, playing with his hands in an attempt to put the pieces of his mind together.

"…Yeah." Shou didn't object. Judai had a point.

"So… I really am sorry about that. I need to work on my introductions." Judai rubbed the back of his head with one hand. It was borderline comical, in spite of the topic. Danger and shadows was clearly not something Shou was used to discussing in public, with others, in a classroom at lunchtime, of all places.

"I'd ask to start over, but I'm not very good at starting," continued Judai. "My name's Judai Yuki, anyway."

"Shou Marufuji," replied Shou. He wondered if he should have bothered to say his family name. He wasn't really one of them, anyway; only by state law. By the law of the clan, he was going to be made a stranger any day.

Judai reached his hand out for another handshake. Before Shou could reach it, he'd pulled it back, shaking his head. "No, that's already done. Forget that, OK?" His grin was clearly awkward, though Shou thought he was probably genuinely happy to have made a friend.

"Yeah," he sighed. He still barely knew him. The notion of him being a friend seemed bizarre. After ten minutes of being in one room, he felt more confused about him than anything, still. Thoughts of how Judai could have known about him and his family continued to pester him. "I guess."

Judai's hand met his shoulder, suddenly, but not uncomfortably. "I'll make it up to you, all right? Just don't get mad. You're the first person I've got to properly talk to here."

Shou gave him a look of doubt. "Nobody else?"

"Nope. I haven't really gotten the chance to. I thought of maybe going to look around, but I kinda got distracted. I walked past you this morning, and I thought you were an exorcist. I… I just thought we might be able to talk. I mean, I've not met any exorcists before." Judai's tone softened as he spoke, and he calmed. Shou felt himself calming, too, even if he had no answers to his questions yet.

"Aren't you one?" he asked, confused. "I mean, how do you know about exorcists?"

Judai shook his head, smiling, as if he was hiding something amusing. The odd glimmer in his eyes somehow made Shou feel uneasy.

Something about Judai threw him off, though he couldn't quite tell what.

"Shou, can you keep a secret?"

His tone was mischievous, as if he was toying with him; Shou couldn't help but feel a little frustrated, even if he was incredibly curious. Judai continued to look at him with the same playful intent, one finger over his lips in a 'hush' gesture'.

"Yes?"

"Can you meet me tonight, a few hours after school? After dark? If you can, I'll show you. And don't freak, I'm not going to do anything to you. Heck, you'd probably beat me if I tried to attack you."

Shou knew he couldn't beat an ant if it tried to bite him. Judai evidently had no idea about him. He wanted to interrupt him and tell him the truth, but didn't. It wasn't important, even though he knew Judai was completely wrong. He wasn't an exorcist, but if it meant finding out the truth about him, and why he'd known all about him…

_If he can sense me, then the last thing I want is him as my enemy._

The conclusion was rational. He spent a few more moments thinking about the answer, before agreeing. As much as he knew he had to hide it, he was still anxious.

"Sweet!" Judai perked up again, and Shou wondered if he would go back to how he had been at the start. He had been annoying, but he hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. Deep down, he still felt odd for snapping at him.

He wondered if his family would notice if he snuck out. He was far from certain he was safe in that sense, or in any sense at all. Judai was someone he'd only just met.

As happy as the other boy was about the prospect of meeting someone, he couldn't help but worry himself. He knew about exorcists, and he knew about _him_.

_What am I getting myself into with this?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _'fortune/alarm'_
> 
> next chapter: we play by the rules here but the rules don't apply to some people


	4. umbra/igniculus

**Three.  
** **_umbra/igniculus_ **

It was 10pm, just like they'd agreed, after exchanging phone numbers. _Be there, OK?_ Judai's last text read.

It was a ridiculous time to be meeting someone. Shou found himself looking around far too much, anxious that he had been tricked. He alternated between his phone and the streets around him, wondering where Judai might be.

He'd been in the same place for ten minutes, and he'd seen no sight of the boy he'd met earlier that day. People seemed to pass by carelessly, ignoring the small-looking teenager in the shade, leaning back against a lamp-post. There had been a few awkward looks, but his refusal to meet anyone in the eye meant they'd just walked away and let him be.

He didn't know what to think. He'd snuck out, and his family wouldn't notice - he hoped. He'd felt terrible the night before. He hoped that Ryo and his father would realise he wasn't going against them. _No,_ he decided, _I'm just going to meet Judai, this strange person who knows about us and told me I smell._

Shou admitted he wasn't happy about the comment. He'd never smelled anything odd around himself or Ryo. He could tell good scents from bad, definitely - but he'd never thought exorcists had their own smell, of all the things…

"You showed up!"

Judai's cheerful tone resounded from behind him, making Shou jump in surprise. He turned around to see the other boy. He seemed to be just as cheerful as before, unfazed by the cold and the dark, smirking with confidence under a lamp-post.

"I guess…" Shou trailed off, not quite catching his enthusiasm. His heart had been thrumming with anxiety. What if he'd fallen for some elaborate prank? Even though Judai hadn't lied about meeting, his head was still filled with doubt and nagging worries.

He wondered what Judai had to show him this late in the evening, almost at night, and if the whole thing was even worth sneaking out so late for. His father and brother didn't care for what time he'd be back; as long as he didn't try to attack any shadows, they wouldn't care, and if he did, they'd care even less.

They wouldn't save him again. If he did it again, he'd probably actually die.

He prayed that Judai wouldn't get him to fight. He felt ill at the thought of disobeying his father's decision, and even shadows themselves. More than disobeying his family, the last thing he wanted was to die.

His thoughts were disrupted by a soft shove from Judai. Looking back at him, he couldn't see a trace of concern on the other boy's face, as if he had nothing to fear in the world. With his hands in his pockets and an expression so carefree, Shou found himself wondering what Judai's links to exorcism even were. It wasn't normal for an exorcist to be so perky when their matters were often so grim.

"Hey, Shou?"

It was then that he noticed that Judai was staring at something. His expression shifted, and now looked uncertain; he couldn't help but feel strange at the fact. "What's wrong?"

Judai prodded his arm. "You're not going to get cold, are you?"

Shou looked down at himself, then back at Judai. The other boy hadn't changed clothes, though he had added a jacket to keep himself warm. He suddenly felt stupid for not doing so himself. His sleeves were long, but whether they'd keep away the growing autumn cold was a question he wasn't prepared to answer.

It wasn't going to be uncomfortable - but he feared doing harm to himself. He'd been born with next to no sensitivity to the cold, as had his brother. Though it could not cause him discomfort, or be distracting, he thought that it would be safer if he could at least _feel_ that he was on the verge of hypothermia.

It was the most self-damaging exorcist trait he could think of. _What use was the ability to not realise that you were going to freeze?_

He shook his head. "I hope not."

"You don't feel it, huh? I'm jealous. Seriously, layers aren't that comfortable when you're out hunting for shadows."

Shou jerked at the mention of _shadows_. A shiver rushed down his spine, and it wasn't because of the cold. If Judai had called him out here for that purpose, then _here_ was the last place on Earth he wanted to be. The last thing he wanted was for Judai to see him as some kind of hero; the kind he'd think could actually fight, and Shou knew he couldn't really be one.

_I'm not an exorcist. I'm not. But he doesn't believe me. He said I smell like one, so I have to be one._

His voice came out as a stutter the moment he tried to object. "I… I'm not an exorcist. I- I can't hunt shadows."

He hated the truth, and it made him sick, but he knew that keeping up a lie would lead to nothing but trouble. Judai had to be made aware of it somehow. He'd been stupidly happy at the fact that he'd smelled an exorcist - but in the end, all he'd smelled was a failed learner, who just happened to have an exorcist's blood.

"What do you mean?" Judai looked at him uncertainly. "You know about shadows. You smell exactly like one. You're an exorcist, right? That makes you one."

Shaking his head, Shou felt his face flush with embarrassment, and he tried to look away. He couldn't bear to see someone so naive having his heart broken. "I'm not," he mumbled. "It's just… It's just my family. Not me." He swallowed the bitter aftertaste in his mouth, turning to walk away, burning up with shame. "I can't fight. I've never killed anything. I'm a _chicken_."

He almost cried, but mentally screamed at himself not to. He wasn't that much of a coward. He couldn't let himself do that, not in front of someone who had probably had high expectations of him until he'd confessed. His chest hurt with guilt.

"Hey, that's no problem. You can get better, right?"

Judai didn't seem angry. It irked him. He'd expected more disappointment, at least. He'd deceived him, after all…

Shou shook his head. "No. My family said I can't. I'm not made for that. But I've tried." Ryo's words, and those of his father, burned harshly in his mind still. It pained him to know that he'd failed. Even if it meant that he was not in danger this way, his hopes had been put down, and it hurt nonetheless.

He jumped at the sudden feeling of Judai wrapping an arm around his shoulder, coming much closer than what he was used to. He'd not had anyone this close to him for years, not even his own brother. Even Misawa, the closest person he had to a friend, had never tried to reassure him in such a way. It was strange, and probably warming too - though he could only rely on his guesswork. Being unable to feel much cold meant feeling little warmth too.

"Hey." He heard Judai speak up, unfazed by whether people would see them like this or not. "Hey, it's fine. You don't have to fight right now."

Shaking, Shou looked back with uncertainty.

"Hey, we're all different. I only started doing my thing a few years ago. I'm not that good, really. I'm not going to judge…" Judai's voice was different this time. Rather than the energetic spark it had possessed before, this time it was much calmer. Shou found himself going along with it, even if he didn't quite understand himself. How could he be so forgiving?

"I'm… I'm serious. I can't fight. I can't do it at all." He shivered, wishing there was more he could do. He knew he wasn't an exorcist. Even if he tried, he stood no chance. The idea of charging into battle, here and now, or even any time at all, sent terror into his heart. "I can't do it. Not ever."

Giving him a nudge, Judai refused to let go of his shoulder. His gaze didn't leave Shou at all, even if Shou himself was too caught up in embarrassment to look up and meet it. "Hey. Shou. Hey. Come on," he repeated, gently prodding. It wasn't uncomfortable, even if he did feel terrible for being himself as he was. Slowly, Shou gathered the courage, swallowing the bitterness in his throat and looking up.

"Come on. It'll be all right." Softly smiling, Judai's bright eyes reflected the light of the lamps above them. "I'm serious. You don't even have to do anything. I… I just thought you were mad at me before. You know, for walking in and just saying things out loud like that…"

He trailed off, avoiding eye contact, probably cringing at his own mistake. "And, well, you seemed kind of curious. I haven't met any other exorcists before either. I wanted to kind of… show you stuff. I thought we could get to know each other that way. Even if you really don't want to be my friend, I thought it would be good to know each other as… the kind of people who might understand each other."

Shou understood. It was a bit like his family. They were bound by blood and clan duties, but he was a disappointment to his father, and Ryo probably despised him. Family was unavoidable, and whatever Ryo thought of his father, the two had close, undeniable ties.

"You wanted an alliance?" He was powerless, alone or with another. It wouldn't be a good one, whichever way.

"Kind of. But not like that. Just so we could talk to each other. You know, someone who can understand the sort of stuff I was talking about. Maybe help each other out, if you wanted that, but that's not as important. I… kinda _felt_ you were different, and I just thought we'd find something in common."

"I… I understand that." Shou replied slowly. He was capable of understanding. He was a terrible fighter, but he knew about shadows and he'd seen an exorcist - his brother - do his work. He knew a few things, admittedly, and what he lacked in terms of ability, he at least had in terms of knowledge. "I understand. It's all right."

The response was calm, surprisingly so. "If you don't want to go on, it's all right. I can leave you alone. I'm really sorry, all right?" Judai pleaded, more to be forgiven than anything else. There was no disappointment in his voice.

Shou didn't know what to say. He wanted to run and never look back. He wanted Judai to leave him alone, and to never talk to him, or try to drag him into any kind of mess ever again. He wanted a life like any other normal human being, not that of some failure with exorcist blood in his veins. He had a future to find and some kind of independence to carve out, knowing the day would come when his family would no longer speak to him. He wanted to be himself, even if it meant being weak, and he wanted to be alone.

At the same time, he felt terrible even thinking of leaving Judai behind. He had no-one that he knew and only a small chance of finding someone else in the town that could understand his thoughts and ideas. He'd taken the chance and approached him, a loner, even if he had been brash and a little offensive. Shou knew he couldn't just leave him behind - at least, not until he could be nice to him back.

"No. I… I said I'd come with you. And I want to know more about you too."

That, too, was true. He couldn't deny he was curious.

If Judai really was another exorcist, then surely knowing him wouldn't hurt. He'd help him establish himself amongst others, even if it meant confronting his father again. He wouldn't be getting involved himself; that would be enough to keep him safe. He had to do something right, for once.

He knew his brother wouldn't be happy to have someone else on their territory. Maybe, he thought, they could arrange something. And even right now, they weren't in their part of town. Whatever happened here would be kept secret, and even if he wasn't sure, he still hoped.

His hands formed fists in the dark. "I'm going to go with you. If it's all right, anyway."

It was enough to convince Judai. Almost immediately, he perked up, bringing his hands close to himself. He clenched them with careless excitement. With his smirk, it took no words to express how he felt. "Sure, it's all right!"

Looking right at him, he added, "And I swear, you're not going to have to fight."

It reassured him a little, though Shou couldn't help but still feel nervous somehow. Thoughts of _shadows_ uneasily clawed at his mind. Trying to not make himself sick, he focused on Judai instead of his own problems, in hope that he knew what he was doing.

Glancing around, Judai settled on a direction. Shou only hoped that he wasn't being haphazard.

"Come on." Judai tugged at his sleeve, and Shou had no choice but to follow. Pointing in the same direction, Judai began to lead him out into one of the alleyways around them. "There's one somewhere round here…"

His heart began to speed up pace at the thought. There was something close by.

"Wait, how do you know? Can you just… feel them?" Not even Ryo could tell where a shadow was exactly, as far as he knew. For him, shadow-hunting had always been likened to a game of chance. Even experienced exorcists, who could follow certain clues, could rarely sense the presence of beings of the dark.

"Yeah. There's one a couple streets down."

Shou shivered. He followed nonetheless. Judai had let go of him by now, and he knew he had the choice to run away. He couldn't bear to, though. He knew he had to follow, and so he did, trailing him through the streets. They turned into a darker alley together, Judai looking on intensely and Shou examining every nook and cranny with fear, hoping that nothing would spring out.

"Come on, not long now… You've got to be here, creepy bastard…"

Judai's mumbling to himself made Shou shiver with anxiety. He hoped that Judai was wrong, and that there wasn't anything in the alleyways at all. Shadows were invisible to the ordinary human eye, and even if exorcists could see them, he'd not heard of any who could track them… It was bizarre. His stomach was in knots at the thought.

He followed nonetheless.

With a sudden motion, Judai halted, pressing himself against a wall. Shou almost jumped. He mirrored the action, clinging to cold brick in an attempt to both brace himself and try to calm down.

"Ssh. It's round here. You can follow me, but stay back."

Creeping slowly, Judai motioned to him with his hand, and Shou looked on in fear. He could barely see in the dark, even with his exorcist blood. Something within him was beginning to thrum as they moved closer, the beginnings of the strange voice in his head hissing, softly at first then more loud.

_Fight it. Kill it. Kill it now._

Unwilling, but more so unwilling to be left behind, he resisted the voice and turned the corner, trying to not cling to Judai.

"Yup. I was right. Come here, boy…"

In front of him, Judai looked on into the depths of the alley. Shou realised he was doomed.

With little light in the area, a lone streetlight excepted, he could barely make out the shadow's outline. Faint grey slivers mingled around the edges of what seemed to be horns, with similar shades around its feet hinting at the presence of claws. Its body gleamed violet, black edges streaming away into the dark, as if it had come out of some dark corner or void, and was now patrolling the edge of the depths.

Judai took a step forward, looking on, and the shadow responded. It shifted.

Soundlessly, its head turned towards him and Judai, red eyes glowing. He swore he could hear a faint snarling coming from its jaws. Its form seemed to grow smaller for a moment as it tensed, having noticed the two figures on the other side of the street.

Shou turned to face him. Nothing about him suggested worry, or even bare tension. His face bore a smile, one of excitement, as he turned back to face him, whispering in a tone that resembled a laugh, in spite of all that he'd said:

"You ready for this?"

\- and with that, the shadow sprang.

Shou took steps backwards, shivering, trying to edge away from the beast in the darkness. He gasped, seeing that Judai was doing the opposite. His companion had changed his stance, knees just bent, in anticipation of the charge.

 _Still, isn't it going to get him?_ Judai's hands were empty, and he saw no sign of any kind of weapon. His hands were in fists, but he saw no flickers of light around or near them. He'd never heard of such a thing as unarmed exorcism.

The shadow landed where Judai had been moments ago; Judai himself had shifted a few paces right, dodging an incoming claw-slash. The beast swung again, missing for the second time, as Judai crouched and stood up and leapt back, narrowly avoiding the swipes. A laugh, not loud, but still clear, sounded out. Shou's hairs stood on end.

_Wasn't he… scared?_

Judai didn't seem to be standing still at all, easily manoeuvring round the enemy as if the hunt was nothing more than some playground game. With the two having changed positions, Shou could see clearer, and he made out more details of the beast.

He saw strong-looking black-violet limbs, with tendrils of mist wrapped around what must have been its joints. Long whiskers trailed, like thin serpents, with a thick tail swinging behind sturdy hind legs. _A dragon? A lion?_ Even so, he was only making a guess.

"Are you even trying?" Judai's voice showed no sign of worry nor stress. He saw him raise and stretch out his hand, fingers beckoning the beast to come near. "Come on then, come fight me!"

Shou only backed away further, hands shaking. He had to help out too, he knew, for the sake of morality; an exorcist took up any challenge, but still… He could barely keep his fingertips still enough to manage even a few sparks, let alone an entire weapon.

 _You're not an exorcist._ Ryo had been right. He could remember every syllable of it.

The dragon-lion's growl grew louder, becoming a more savage snarl. Baring dark fangs, it whipped its tail at Judai's legs. Avoiding the blow, Judai moved back. The tail swung again, with a renewed set of slashes coming from both sets of claws. Shou could just see Judai drawing back, the dragon both following the cue and giving Judai less and less space to move and act in.

With barely any room left to jump back to, Judai seemed to cling to the wall. Palms pressed against the bricks, his dodges were becoming more narrow. A claw aimed at his face almost scraped through his hair as he ducked.

Whether he realised it or not, Judai was being forced into a corner. He still lacked a weapon.

Shou tried to scream his name, but the word didn't come out.

The shadow shifted to one side, leaving Judai cornered. Shou forced himself up, moving towards the other side of the alleyway in an attempt to see what was going on.

Part of him wanted to run and hide. Judai wasn't going to survive. He'd seen it all as a game, and the fight had turned for the worse. He couldn't hear him laugh any more. Was that it?

Would everything fall into his own hands now? The voice of the exorcist - the very thing that he wasn't - was screaming again, tormenting his mind.

The voice broke off, suddenly interrupted.

Shou felt his heart thump louder; unable to tear away his gaze, he borderline _screamed_ at the sight.

Two spike-shaped shards of what resembled dark glass had burst through the dragon-lion's neck, leaving it screeching. A third shard cut through one shoulder. A front leg faltered, leaving it unbalanced on one side.

That was when he saw Judai.

He'd woven his way out of the corner, taking advantage of the shadow's distraction, now moving towards its back. He was much more visible now, just in front of Shou; turning, he gave him a quick thumbs-up.

_What the hell?_

The shadow's long neck swung back, a faint mane of dark tendrils steaming from where the shards were still implanted. That was when Judai charged, running back towards the monster, and Shou made out a small, dark shape in his hand.

It reflected the light of the lamp, just like the shards stuck into the dragon-lion's neck.

"Now that's more like it!" The spirit had never left him, it seemed.

_Was getting cornered… part of his plan?_

Judai made a gesture, as if calling a dog. "Come on, come catch me! Come on!"

As the shadow raised its claw at him again, Judai's arm moved, his wrist flicking upwards. The small item - a coin? or a pebble? - was tossed upwards, only a few inches above. As soon as it was airborne, with a _swish_ of flickering darkness, it seemed to change shape, growing, becoming sharper -

Another shard dug into the other shoulder, cutting deeper than the first time. Barely believing what he was seeing, Shou saw the pebble land in Judai's right palm again, the shard remaining stuck in the shadow's side.

The two other shards disappeared quickly, as if they had been pulled out; again, the creature yowled. Shou knew - shadows were incapable of feeling pain, but he was sure of it: the sounds were an indication of weakness. It stumbled.

Judai took a quick step back, dropping his pebble to the ground. It made a small sound, drowned out by the half-cries-half-growls of the shadow. Shou realised it; Judai had faltered, and this was going to end badly. He could see Judai almost kneeling down, as the shadow turned fully to face him. His right hand was pressed flat against the concrete, where the pebble had fallen.

"Pick it up! Judai!"

It was a dumb thing to say. He knew it. He regretted saying it as soon as the words had left his mouth.

"Don't worry!" Judai replied. Shou couldn't believe that he was still as upbeat as he had been at the start. His breaths were louder - he could see him move more - from the fighting, but the surprise was still striking. How had he -

Shou's eyes widened.

More shards rose from the ground, below the shadow; rising within a heartbeat, they pierced the dragon-lion's torso right through. Like stalagmites, they rose, piercing it once, twice, several more times - he couldn't even see - as his ears began to ache with another fake-pained cry from the shadow. He winced at the screeching, covering his ears. The spikes stood tall, Shou and Judai and the top of the dragon-lion's horns, both humans watching as the beast finally died, thrashing with wrath.

With the noise growing quieter, the edge of the dragon-lion's tail began to seep away, dissolving into the air and the night. Shou had seen this before; that was how shadows came to their ends, their bodies fading out, into thin air. The shards, too, began to disappear, but much more quickly - within a second, they had entirely gone. The remains of the shadow continued to smoulder.

Judai spent a few moments more with his hand on the ground, before standing up, shoulders back and stance proud. Walking until he was where the shadow's stomach had been, he kneeled down. Shou couldn't see what he was doing as he crouched, though he seemed to be digging for something.

To his relief, Judai was not there for long. Standing up again and turning around, he gave Shou the thumbs-up again, his smile clear in light and in shadow.

Smoke and dust continued to swirl, before disappearing completely, as if it had never been there.

"That's that then."

Shou simply stood in place, open mouthed. What had just happened? He'd seen Judai fight and execute a shadow, without a weapon of light. Judai looked uninjured, virtually unchanged from the minutes before the battle, though there was probably dirt on the hand he'd placed on the ground.

He'd seen those shards. _What were they?_

_What… what was he?_

"Right… I think I need to get back to my place soon. I've got a feeling my parents are suspecting me of late-night sneaking… and that's probably not the best way to go around it." Judai gave Shou a nudge, walking on past him, out onto the main street.

Shou didn't move, still dumbfounded.

Judai stopped a few steps ahead, turning to face Shou's back. "Hey, what's up? It's gone now. You're safe, so am I." He seemed completely unfazed, as if he had been doing something far more trivial than shadow-hunting.

Trembling, Shou turned. His eyes fixed on Judai's, in desperate need of answers. He'd walked into his life that very morning, then dragged him out here and fought and killed a shadow, all without a weapon. He was unscathed and showed no signs of strain. He'd fought no worse than Ryo with the Soul of the Kaiser - an exorcist's inherited weapon, at that - and in the aftermath, acted as if he'd only swatted a fly.

Those shards, and the pebbles, and whatever he had done when he'd kneeled amongst the remains of the shadow; everything made no sense and everything twisted and turned in his mind.

 _"What are you?"_ Shou's voice was little more than a whisper.

Smile still plastered across his face, Judai leaned back against the brick wall, taking the small black stone he'd had in his hands in battle and tossing it, up and down. It flipped like a coin, small and faintly shining, before being tossed upwards again.

"Me? I'm Judai, just like I said." He turned to face Shou again, looking away from the stone, which he continued to flip in his hand. "Judai Yuki. That's my name."

"But… you're not an exorcist. You _can't be_ one," Shou stated. All exorcists bore silver-white weapons. Judai had a stone in his hand and was somehow linked to those shards he'd just seen, and the shards had been black. There hadn't been a flicker of an exorcist's trademark white fire. "You're _not_ one. _What are you?_ "

Judai stopped flipping the stone, toying with it in one hand instead. "Well, there's all different kinds, and I've not actually been learning that long, so don't judge…"

"That's still not an answer!"

"I'm just saying, don't judge -"

" _What are you?_ " Shou interrupted. Was he trying to frustrate him like this?

A breath and a shrug, then a sheepish grin, as if nothing was wrong, even still.

"Me? I'm a war alchemist."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'shadow/small fire'
> 
> next chapter: what the fuck happened there


	5. commutatio/praegistia

**Four.  
** **_commutatio/praestigia_ **

He struggled to believe it.

"I'm a war alchemist."

The words hung in the air, Shou's lips had been paralysed. He needed to say something, yet couldn't move.

"War… alchemist?" He repeated the words slowly and carefully, trying to not sound like a fool. He'd never heard of such a thing. Not even Ryo or his father had mentioned war alchemists, and he'd not even heard them spoken of behind closed doors.

_What was that, even…?_

What he'd seen moments ago in the storm of shards and heard amongst the shadow's cries was replaying, over and over in his mind. He made no sense of it, even now.

"Wait!" He shouted, trying to stop Judai from leaving. He'd left a jumbled mess in his mind, and he had a thousand questions left unanswered. He had to know; curiosity and fear and wonder itched at him. He'd seen something unbelievable, and he needed some sort of answers…

"What?"

"Don't just leave me. Tell me more about it - what do you mean, a _war alchemist_? What even is that?" Shou demanded. He needed to know, and it didn't matter at what cost. It wasn't right at all - was he just going to leave him like that? He'd said he'd show him, and he had, but he'd learned less than he'd found himself questioning. It hurt to even think about it.

Judai's reply was hasty, as if he was fabricating an excuse. "Hey, it's all right, I'll tell you. Just don't be mad, OK? You see - "

His other hand reached into his pocket, digging his phone out and checking the time. "Phew. I'm still safe for now. I don't think my mom's back…"

"What's that got to do with - " Shou exclaimed, hasty, before realising the importance of what Judai had actually said. "Oh."

Judai looked on. "…All right. I swear I'll tell you. I mean it. You can tell your family about me if I don't. …They're exorcists, right? They can beat the hell out of me if they like."

Shou wondered if that really was true. With the ease he'd fought that shadow, he had to be strong. His brother fought as if he had never known anything else. Judai's style - his method, his weapon - he had no weapon - was in a league of its own. He found it hard to compare to the fixed weapon-based combat he'd known all his life. Would Ryo really be able to take him down? Or had that just been a really weak shadow?

Had Judai feigned any weakness, or had he actually faltered while fighting against it?

He knew so little, and it left him frustrated him like mad. He was tired still from the stress of what he'd seen. He was tired from school and a bad night's sleep, and he was still on edge from what his father and brother had said. It wouldn't be easy to get over, Shou knew.

"Uh, well…" Judai trailed off, looking up at the sky in an attempt to escape eye contact with an impatient and increasingly frustrated Shou. "Well…"

_Does he not have an answer?_

After what seemed like too long a pause for someone who genuinely knew what they were doing, Judai finally spoke.

"I… I guess we're a kind of alchemist. Except we don't really follow those rules. Like… I can't make stuff into gold, or live forever and all that…" The corners of his lips quirked up in a slight smile as he continued.

"But then, who'd want to be living forever? That's just plain _dull…_ "

Shou had to agree with that; even the rest of his lifetime felt like centuries ahead him. He tried to avoid thinking about it.

Judai continued, getting back on track. "We're kind of a weird breed of alchemy, or something like that. We just mess with things and use them to fight shadows, because the exorcists couldn't be bothered."

"Hey!" Shou exclaimed, feeling offended. "We try! I mean, my brother does…"

"I'm not saying you're the bad one!" Judai held his hand out, trying to defuse the situation. "We just kind of started doing this crap because you guys weren't doing it enough, or something like that…"

"Do you not actually know?" He wasn't frustrated, only curious this time.

"Hey, don't expect me to know the entire history! I'm seriously bad at that…"

"So it's not just you then?" It was strange. Shou had never heard of anything like it before. To think that what Judai had done had some kind of history was strange. Why had nobody ever mentioned it to him?

Exorcists in clans like his were taught from the early years and from the ground up. He'd had clan discipline and the history of their kind practically forged into his brain over the years. Even if his fate was not to be a true exorcist after all, it was only right that he knew these things; from the laws and manners of exorcist clans to the names of ancestors he would otherwise have forgotten.

Judai shook his head. "Nope. We go back, apparently. That's what I was taught, anyway, but hell if I remember…"

"Who taught you?" Shou asked. If he'd been telling the truth and his parents really hadn't known he was out, then… was it different from exorcism in that way, too? Had he grown up knowing he could do these things, thinking he was any different from other people? Had he been anything like him and his brother, somewhere between the rest of humanity and their own private bubble?

"My old teacher."

"Who was that, then? Was he related to you?"

Shou envisaged an uncle, or a grandparent of some kind, probably older and experienced with age. Alchemy still seemed a world away from the exorcists he'd grown up with; he couldn't imagine learning from anyone other than a member of his own family.

"No, my actual teacher. He kind of lived down the road."

Shou quirked an eyebrow. "That's… seriously weird."

"You think? You should have seen his place, it's covered in all these artefacts and old things… I don't even know if he's more into alchemy or the stuff he actually teaches. He actually likes these things. Oh, and I've only been in his house because we live on the same street. He was friends with my family before he taught me. Don't get ideas, it wasn't weird or anything…"

Artefacts brought to mind one thing. "So wait, he taught history?"

"Yeah, and I almost failed it!"

"So then you got him to teach you alchemy and then you passed with flying colours."

"No, I'm still crap at that."

"Oh."

It wasn't too much of a surprise. Miracles probably didn't exist, and with someone like Judai, old habits would probably be hard to change. As much as Shou tried to show his annoyance, he didn't seem to have reacted much.

Coming to the conclusion that Judai would likely not know the answers to a lot of the questions he still had, he decided to change the subject.

"So, if you aren't an exorcist, then… how much do you know about _us_?"

 _Us_ was his family. He was only one of that _us_ by blood and not by anything else. He had to keep reminding himself that.

"Well…" For a moment, Judai seemed to go off on a whole other train of thought, before turning back to Shou. "There's the smell thing - seriously, _do you not get that?_ You guys smell strange. Especially you, by the way. Then there's the weapons, but that's just obvious…"

He'd started counting the things on his fingers. Shou cringed.

"You can see better at night, and apparently talk to demons or something. That's kind of cool, though… wait, do demons even exist? I know you get shadows, but demons, and heaven and hell? Is that even…" Judai shook his head as he trailed off in half-sentences, leaving Shou with no chance to answer.

He knew demons existed, but didn't get to say it.

"Damn… Oh, and apparently your blood's _antifreeze_."

The phrasing left Shou trying to bite back a laugh, especially as the memory of the evening before resurfaced. "Well, it's not quite that…"

Judai gave one of his by-now-signature shrugs. "You don't feel the cold, anyway. Wish I had that." As if in response, he rubbed his hands together, breathing warmly in an attempt to stifle some kind of coldness. "Not freezing to death… I'm jealous already."

"Well, I nearly did that once. It's not that we can't freeze, it's that we don't feel the fact that we're freezing," Shou elaborated, still strangely awkward.

"Really?" Judai's eyes widened.

"I-I was only three! How was I supposed to know you that you can't play in the snow in your pyjamas? Not when you don't feel it!" He didn't know whether to laugh at himself or feel ashamed for his childhood mistake. Ryou had fished him out of the cold, both of them coming home soaking wet, but neither one shivering. It had been silly, but what he couldn't feel could still kill him - he'd learnt it the hard way, and his father had punished him later.

"You're crazy!" Now Judai was laughing.

"I was a dumb kid…"

"All right, though I was probably dumber. You know I watched too many hero shows as a kid? Well, I tried to fly once. Broke my leg doing it."

"Well, you were a kid…"

"It was still kinda fun trying."

"But wait, did you actually fly?" Shou insisted on knowing. Flying kids seemed strange, but Judai was strange… _and an alchemist_.

He wondered what else his powers entailed. _Levitating would be cool to actually see,_ he admitted, as ridiculous as it sounded.

"…Nope. Jumped out of a tree with a cape on," Judai laughed. "I'm not flying again."

"Yeah, but wait, can't you do something like that?" Shou interrupted. " You fight with those weird shards, or those sort of glass things… I mean, don't you have any powers like flight? Or, I don't know, making things fly?"

As absurd as it sounded, Shou knew nothing about him. Whatever alchemy - or _war alchemy_ , for that matter - entailed, he couldn't help but wonder. He couldn't help but still think of alchemy as _that thing with the Philosopher's Stone_ , or turning metal into gold. He hadn't seen any transformations that night. The pebble, or whatever he'd had in his hand, hadn't seemed like much at first sight, and then the shards had appeared…

It all seemed so strange. Had what he he'd seen really been alchemy? And that stone; what was that, even?

He was jerked out of his thoughts by Judai elbowing him. "You OK there?"

"I'm fine," he replied. "Carry on. Can you actually fly?"

"Well, I wasn't taught how to. I guess not."

Part of Shou was relieved at that. Judai, he thought, was too chaotic to be allowed to fly. He suspected he'd have been locked up at this rate if he really had been able to.

He couldn't help but question his sanity. For someone who was just as involved in the fight against the shadows as an exorcist, he seemed far too careless. Even if he could fight - and he definitely could, he'd seen it a few minutes before, and that wasn't a lie - he was still clearly more playful than serious, and it was that innocence which he couldn't help but worry about.

There was a difference between fighting and playing. An exorcist couldn't falter, lest a shadow see their weakness and strike at the worst time.

 _Even if he's an alchemist,_ Shou thought, _he has to have some concept of that._

Judai casually waved a hand, as if dismissing ideas. "You can just think of me as an ordinary human with a few added perks, if it helps, all right? 'Cause, you know, I kind of am. I don't have _fancy blood_ or anything like that."

Shou scowled. He had 'fancy blood', but that still meant nothing. "It's not fancy."

"I mean, you guys have to actually have it. None of my family does. Anyone can actually learn alchemy."

Shou felt his heart skip a beat, and when it resumed, it was a lot faster. His breath hitched. "…What?"

"Like I said, anyone can. That's what Daitokuji said, anyway. Or actually, not anyone, but something like that. Something to do with inner forces… _something like that._ "

 _Anyone?_ The idea sounded as amazing as it was terrible. As much as it was any exorcist's dream to have an anti-shadow army at their disposal, there was no doubt that humans with abilities would be just as destructive towards others. He had seen Judai wreak havoc just now. As great as that sort of power seemed; the last thing anyone wanted was all-out human war and carnage.

"You've got to keep it contained, though, right? I mean, wouldn't it be dangerous in the wrong hands?" He asked in an attempt to calm himself.

"Sure. It's why we still keep things secret. That, and… we're meant to play it down with you exorcists. Don't want you guys getting violent. We know you're territorial as heck."

As much as he couldn't imagine his brother hacking and slashing any other exorcist, even if they had stepped into the area they called 'theirs'; it plagued him still. Other clans, or so he'd heard, could be far worse. He'd heard old stories of families hunting each other to death over what had apparently been a few acres.

There were probably others around; where, he didn't know. His father and brother were far more precise when it came to knowing boundaries. Unlike them, he had no need to know them.

"I won't tell my family, then." He had to help him stay safe, and he had a feeling Judai wouldn't do it himself. As much as he still wasn't used to him, he didn't want any unnecessary issues, especially if they involved someone his age, and someone who was still new to the area.

"That's a relief. I'm glad I got to know you."

Shou didn't feel like he knew Judai still. He hadn't told him much about himself, either; they'd met the previous day and all they knew was that one was a failed exorcist, and the other a successful war alchemist.

He sighed. He still didn't know if he wanted someone like Judai as a friend.

"Anyway… Now that's over and done with," Judai continued without a care, "how about we arrange something?"

"What do you mean? Arrange what?" Shou wondered if it was just late-night fatigue plaguing him, or if he had missed something. "You still haven't told me everything."

"I'll tell you more, sure. But hey, _one condition_. Maybe two, OK?" Judai said the last part with a sly wink.

"What is it?"

"You know what we did just now? I kind of want to do that again." His eyes lit up. "Come out with me this weekend."

Shou almost choked. "What? No. No way…" Regaining his composure, he questioned him. "Why do you want me to go with you? I didn't even do anything!"

"I like the company!" Judai exclaimed. "Seriously, it kind of gets dull on my own. And trust me, I've done way too much of that. I've got someone I know, at least, and if all else fails, you can back me up or something, can't you?"

He sounded like a young child, even if what he had said had been a far more serious matter.

"I can't!" Shou didn't care if the walls were paper-thin and anyone heard him. "I'm not going out there. I'm not an exorcist, OK? I keep telling you!"

"Well, you still smell like one to me - "

"That doesn't mean anything!"

"You could be one, can't you? I mean, if you try hard enough - "

"I've tried, and I can't do it. I can't!"

"Who says you can't? _Don't listen!_ " Judai was growing insistent. There was no anger in his tone, and he couldn't pick up a hint of frustration. He was more questioning than anything. "You don't have to listen to them, do you?"

 _You don't understand,_ Shou thought. _I wish you could, but you just can't._

"I… I can't _not_ listen." His voice was firm; he had to make himself heard, for once. "You don't understand. It's not… it's not a matter of choice. I'm just _not_ an exorcist."

Fighting back the bitter taste at the back of his throat, he looked down at the ground. "You think it's straightforward, isn't it? _It isn't._ You don't understand it. I'm no good at being an exorcist. And if you think I'm giving up, then you don't know me. I've been trying for _years_. And I've failed every time."

"Shou, wait - " He heard Judai trying to speak, but he wasn't going to listen.

"You're lucky. You can just keep your thing a secret. I just have to put up with being a family _failure_."

He'd had enough.

His own voice in his head was screaming, urging him to leave. Shou grunted in frustration before storming out, away from Judai, back to the familiar, well-lighted streets of the city. He heard Judai clamour a little, but he didn't make out anything individual. What he heard was a blur of things he knew he didn't want to hear, even if they were apologies for a comment Judai hadn't understood completely.

He didn't want to hear him speak, and the last thing he needed was an apology if he didn't realise what it meant. Judai was a mess; he couldn't understand that he couldn't do certain things, couldn't bring himself to let him do them. Even if his instincts resounded in his mind, clear and strong as punches to the stomach, he had to leave them aside, learn to ignore them. He wasn't an exorcist, and he couldn't let himself ever pick up a weapon again.

He wanted to die like any other human being; he wanted to die loved and supported by others, and not die as an outcast, because of his own dumb mistake.

He ignored Judai's desperate pleas, and the noise of everything else around him as he left the room, walking so fast it was almost a run down the street, past the oblivious crowds. He was tired and battered from stress; half dead already, and at that moment in time, thinking things he knew were probably hurtful and dangerous.

 _I'm not an exorcist. I'm not an exorcist._ His father had said it, and his brother agreed. He'd tell himself these things over and over again, until they were fixed in his brain.

"I'm not an exorcist," he said, barely audible, under his breath. "I'm not." He'd say it again and again, until that something in his head clicked and he would forget he'd ever tried to be anything but an ordinary human being. "I'm not an exorcist."

 _Liar,_ said one of the voices within him. The other voice said nothing.

His heart sped up pace with the thought; that he'd seen a shadow die, and that Judai had done it, and Judai had almost dragged him to fight it as well. Judai had called him an exorcist from the start, and even if he had been wrong, he had still pulled him back into the very thing he'd been trying to escape.

Alone, in the dark, with the clamour of a city at night around him; everything was in motion, just like the feelings he was having trouble controlling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'conversation/deception'
> 
> next time: angst angst angst, the chapter


	6. metus/decisio

**Five.  
** _**metus/decisio** _

"Hey, are you all right? Shou?"

Misawa, prodding him gently, leaning closer. Shou responded with a groan, his head falling onto the desk.

"I'm fine…" That was a lie. He hadn't slept well again.

"You're clearly not." His classmate glanced back at the door, distracted by the noise of countless students bustling around after their morning classes. "What's keeping you up?"

He didn't want to tell him the truth. Misawa was an analyst; he saw clearly through these facades, and was probably used to it by now, but his strength was in numbers, and, thankfully, not investigating people. He'd stop enquiring, sooner or later, and leave him in peace, Shou hoped.

It was one of the rare times he didn't want Misawa for company.

"It was freezing last night." Another lie. Even if it had been, he wouldn't have felt it. He'd heard someone complain about the temperature that day, and so stole the excuse.

His own excuses would have been terrible - but not as awful as _some people's_ , he knew. He was still on edge from the night before. He had to see Judai right now, or sometime today, and either get an explanation out of him, or simply lose it at him and get him punched in the face.

"It wasn't that bad for me… Warm socks might help, or something?" Misawa suggested, clearly believing what Shou had said. Shou wondered if that made Misawa easy to deceive, or him a good liar.

"Socks… right…" His reply was pushed aside by a yawn. He decided he would sleep early tonight.

"You do need sleep…" Misawa trailed off, heading out of the room. "I've got some stuff to catch up on, so I'll see you later sometime, all right?"

By _stuff_ , Shou was sure he meant _find Taniya and try and make small talk again, but avoid being humiliated by just about everyone else in the room without meaning to._ "Yeah. Sure…" He mumbled, unfocused and unready for just about everything else that he had left to do today.

_'I'm a war alchemist.'_

The thoughts had plagued Shou all morning. He'd tried to concentrate during English, terribly; he'd failed to pay attention at all, and the first lesson of the morning had turned into a stupid blank in his memory. He'd sharpened up after an hour, admittedly, and he'd managed to cope in Physics. He'd only miscalculated twice, and it had been the same dumb mistake.

For someone who wasn't good at much, Shou honestly didn't mind physics. Mechanics made sense to him in a way that literature didn't. Words could be one thing, magical and strange, and even biology was interesting in an odd way, but mechanics was a straightforward subject. Physics followed rules and laws, and it was far more predictable, and he liked that part of it.

Unlike exorcism - that was never predictable. He despised not knowing, and yet he had faced it.

Not knowing. _Judai._ The thought struck again. A flick of the wrist, a toss of a stone. An eruption of shards, glass - stone - something, something he couldn't tell. A dead shadow, cold and fading into nothingness on the ground. The end of the storm.

_Damn you. I'm not like you._

He'd fought against the shadow and managed to kill it, and he'd _laughed_ in the process. Shou still found that part hard to stomach. It had all seemed like some kind of odd game to him. How could it have been _fun_? Exorcism was a duty, and it was far from pleasant. Even his brother never seemed to smile, even as the blade sang and executed with ease.

Was that just Ryo? His brother fascinated him, and scared him, too, even if he knew he had to focus away from that.

_If only I was like him._

But Ryo was an exorcist, the one chosen by the laws of the clan. Shou had had his chances, and his father was most likely right - he would fail if he kept on trying, and one day, he would not be saved. There were no excuses for him now; he had to forge his own path, or die if he continued the fighting.

And Judai? Judai fought shadows at night, and that meant he'd almost doomed himself by even coming close to him.

 _Shou Marufuji, you are not an exorcist,_ he reminded himself. _Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about the shadows._

_Judai -_

It didn't matter, even if he was threatening to yank him back into the never-ending conflict against the dark. Judai was a mystery; out of reach and nothing but trouble if he investigated further.

He hauled himself down the corridor, half asleep still, though it was past midday and he'd somehow survived half his classes. Nothing had changed, it seemed - he was small and barely visible amongst the couples and small crowds, and the noise drowned out his thoughts. As much as he hated the noise, he was relieved to be surrounded by it at that moment in time; it was the only thing keeping him from falling asleep on his feet.

 _Damn you, Judai._ He'd dragged him out at night, then kept him awake with a sea of unresolved issues.

He'd gone from never wanting to see him again to needing to do so, in the space of twenty-four hours. It was ridiculous, he admitted. _Stupid._ Worst of all, it made his insides sear with embarrassment.

_Just how much regret am I going to have to deal with by the end of the day?_

He reached the same place as before, the same classroom, and with the same silence present there again, he wandered in and almost flopped into a chair. The classroom, he had suspected, would likely be empty again, and so it was.

He felt hopeless and hazy with distraction. He cursed at Judai under his breath, hoping he wouldn't dare to show his face here.

His head sank into his hands again, eyes begging to close. His head was a mess from not sleeping and irritation and chaos. It hurt to even try to focus. He let the clock tick on behind him, losing track of seconds and minutes. Everything was weird and confusing and made no sense at all, not even the things he'd thought were set and definite only a day ago.

He decided there and then, that he would keep the vow he made earlier then - to avoid Judai Yuki for the rest of the foreseeable future.

* * *

He couldn't help it if there were times when he wondered if he was going to show up again, from behind any door or around any corner, just as he had the first few times they'd met. Even when it seemed trivial, he couldn't help but look around one more time just to be safe.

Sometimes, in the corner of his eye, he'd spot a mess of brown hair or hear a carefree voice; he'd reacted on instinct and edged away. It had been troublesome, he admitted, and he'd been on edge far too much, but by Friday evening, Shou was sure that he would be safe for a while, even if that 'while' was only the weekend.

Sighing with relief as he lay on his bed, face buried in a pillow and exhausted enough to drop dead, he let himself smile. He'd done something right, it seemed. The alchemist had left him alone as soon as he'd stopped waiting for him.

He hadn't shown up at the same empty classroom for the rest of the week. That had been the first step in his mission. His mind still ached for answers, and curiosity ate away at him the more he thought about it, but when Misawa had dragged him along to discuss homework answers, he'd let the thoughts turn to dust. By the time they were finished, lunchtime was almost over.

After that, it became easier to not think about it. He'd distracted himself with catching up on work he'd been too tired to do after his sleepless nights, and focused more on staying awake in class. That, too, had worked out surprisingly well. He still tossed and turned at night, but the fatigue, to his relief, wasn't as terrible.

 _That's it,_ he decided. _Getting rid of him really was for the better._

At least, now, with all things supernatural out of his hair, he could focus on the rest of his life. Whatever it would entail, and whatever he wanted to do anyway, he was sure he could focus on that, once he found it - with no exorcisms to perform and nobody to tug at him, telling him to stay up at night, life suddenly seemed like a breeze.

_If you're saying life's easy for you now, then you are a liar._

Wincing, his hands scrunched, frustration seeping into the pillow. _Damn it._

As much as he'd tried to deny it, the instinct, the voice in his mind, was still there. It hadn't stopped nagging at him.

_You're sleeping while out there, people are probably suffering. Shouldn't you be more bothered?_

Shou felt his fingertips beginning to twitch in desperation. Wincing, he cursed it, telling the voice to go away. He'd been telling himself to ignore it for days. He wasn't an exorcist, and it made no sense; why was the instinct still there? Why was the voice telling him to do something he couldn't do, couldn't succeed at?

_You should be doing it, out there._

Why was something that was meant to be useful to an exorcist pestering him? Why didn't it understand what it was saying to him; why was it telling him to _die_ out there?

He knew that attempting was useless. After years of no kills and nothing but embarrassment and the odd injury, he knew it was nonsense for him to keep trying. Like Ryo and his father had said; without someone like them helping, he would most likely be dead. They'd said it - if he did it again, they would no longer help him. He wouldn't have a reason to live the next time, and so he wouldn't let himself go out there, with a weapon, ever again.

His calling, the thing he'd tried, and was going to try to deny, was also his curse. Nails scratching at his palms in an attempt to quell the feeling, he wanted to scream.

Either way - whichever way he went - either way, he felt terrible. Either way, he was in danger.

He'd denied it for years, and every time he'd denied his blood, the blood of an exorcist, he'd ended up feeling terrible.

He wondered how other clan children felt. Were they just as… _forced back_ as him? Or did they fight too, no worse than the heir, the eldest sibling?

Maybe it was just him, Shou Marufuji with the awkward fears and bad eyesight. Glasses made fighting more difficult, but he doubted he'd ever know anything else. It was as if they were part of some kind of jinx - he couldn't see a thing past his nose without them, and at the same time, contact lenses weren't an option for him.

One child had been born with all the gifts of the clan bestowed upon him. The other was him; a disappointment and a failure who could barely even see.

_How long are you going to be like this?_

His hands were still twitching.

A small tone jolted him out of his hazy state, urging him to turn over and fish his phone out of his pocket. Scowling, having been confident that he'd turned the thing off as soon as he arrived home, he turned to check it for messages.

 _Not again, damn you,_ he thought, seeing the name lit up on the screen. Judai had messaged him.

_Wish you were here_

Groaning, Shou instinctively moved his thumb to the 'delete' button, wishing he knew how to block the number. To his relief, Judai hadn't texted at all in the days since they'd last seen one another, and he hoped he wouldn't text again, or that he would forget. Anything would be better, he knew, than having to put up with demands he wasn't going to answer.

He had to have been joking. He couldn't tell if the message was sarcasm, but he couldn't imagine something like _that_ being serious. To anyone else, perhaps, but not to someone like him. No-one would need him around, not in a lifetime - especially not for any supernatural reasons.

 _I'm not an exorcist. Don't you get it?_ He'd had to repeat it, and if it didn't get through that way, he'd get there another way. He had to ignore him.

A second tone, just as irritating, rang out through the silence. He glanced back at the phone, restraining himself from throwing it aside. The message was Judai's, again.

_Serious, it was more fun doing it with somebody else_

He'd forgotten the full stop again. Something about that left him on edge. More than that, he was being persistent. Judai had to be tricking him, he suspected; there was nothing fun about having an extra burden around.

With a sigh, he punched in a reply. _Sorry, not coming. Not an exorcist. Don't text me again._

He meant it; he'd block the number if he kept on persisting. Flopping back down on the bed, he begged for sleep to come. He was stressed out already, and the Judai affair wasn't making things better.

The sound of nothing but the clock and the odd steps around the house was bliss, even if it was momentary. Even the urge in his head felt calmer then. Lying still without interruption, Shou basked in the silence, relieved that he was alone again. Judai wouldn't bother him, not after he'd dismissed him. Things would get better, he hoped. He'd never speak of exorcists and alchemists again.

Another tone. _So much for that._ Judai was going to drive him mad at this rate.

_You don't have to do anything. I want to be friends. Come out again_

Shou was becoming tired of deleting. Some part of him admired the persistence. He knew Judai was lonely, though why he'd not found others to pester was something he wasn't sure about. There were other things in life than exorcism; having normal friends helped him keep focused on that. Even if Misawa and he weren't always together, having him there was a certain source of relief.

Seconds after he'd finished it, there was a follow-up to the message.

_I can help if you like. You won't get hurt if I help._

He'd left a full stop this time. That was a little more pleasing, he admitted, though he wasn't sure whether he could believe it.

 _Can he really help me?_ As stupid as it sounded, some kind of optimism was clinging on to him. Shou tried to dismiss it, but no matter what he said to himself, the feeling was still there. Something tugged at him; the same voice was still whispering to him, calling him a liar every time he denied that he was an exorcist.

He knew the feeling of a weapon in his hands gave him indescribable relief. Even if he'd been left on the verge of panic whenever he'd met a shadow face to face, there was something in that burst of white fire and cold metal he couldn't describe well, that settled something deep within. It was then that his instincts shifted to command him; telling him to strike out and kill the being of darkness before him, even if his own terror was paralysing him then.

The fear had always been dominant. It had been the cause of him freezing before his enemies; a kind of bitter irony for someone who was immune to feeling the cold. What brought a chill to his veins was not any wind, but the glow in the eyes he met in the dark, and the pressure of claws and odd tails that belonged to the beasts.

He knew he was scared. Knowing about that fear made it all worse; he knew he could do nothing about it. He'd always been on his own, and if his brother had ever been with him, it had only been for the purpose of saving him when he'd been left a shivering mess. He knew he was shameful, and at the same time, could do nothing about it. He'd tried to overcome the fear, and amounted to nothing.

He thought of Judai, that first day in the silent classroom, his hand outstretched for a handshake, which he'd not responded to. Some part of him regretted it; he was the one who sounded ungrateful, when Judai had made him an offer of friendship. He had few friends beyond Misawa, and even he was only there now-and-then, when Taniya wasn't. Few bothered to speak with him outside of lessons, and even in classes, it was only when he was assigned to a pair, or when answers had to be checked.

Maybe he'd been the wrong one from the start. The bitterness of regret stewed within him. He had rejected the handshake, and Judai had wanted to be friends. Nobody else had done what he'd done. Nobody asked him outright for anything.

Judai wasn't an exorcist, but an alchemist, and that still meant a world away, but he'd had the courage to talk to him. He'd been the first in a long time.

 _Maybe I should give it a try._ As much as he dreaded the scorn of his family, he couldn't deny the voice of his exorcist half, and his own rationality, both telling him to say something back.

Checking his phone for the time, he stayed silent for a few moments, focusing on the movement in the house around him. Hearing nothing, he let out a sigh of relief, and, fingers sloppy, typed back a reply.

_Promise you won't laugh?_

He'd told Judai he couldn't fight, and he hoped that he would understand. The thought of being mocked and looked down on, as if his family wasn't enough, left him queasy.

Outside, it was already dark. It wasn't late out, but if the sun had gone down, the shadows were probably beginning to gather. In the dusk of the city, between alleys and walls and decrepit back roads, the darkness would gather, as it always did, and it was then that the infinite war would continue its battles.

His ancestors had been fighting for centuries; how long, he could not remember, even after years of teachings. What Judai's predecessors were like, he did not know.

As he looked out of his window, further beyond into the gathering night, he took a deep breath. Calming himself was not going to be an easy matter, but it was still worth it to try.

He hoped Judai was still willing to help.

The sound of a new message left his heart beating too quickly with tension and fear. In dead silence, he read, before closing the curtains. He kept on the light.

_Promise, meet you same place?_

He typed his response quickly, before glancing around the corridor, ensuring his keys were in his pocket before fleeing downstairs, holding his breath with uncertainty.

_Wait for me, please. All right. I'm doing this, but only because you told me to do it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'fear/decision'
> 
> I sincerely apologise for the way this chapter came out, but I couldn't think of a way of condensing it. Chapter 6's events need a chapter of their own, if that's any silly excuse to go by.
> 
> Many thanks for the appreciation through kudos and comments. They really do help.
> 
> next chapter: let's go kill shit


	7. fatum/resolutio

**Six.  
** _**fatum/resolutio** _

He felt like coughing up his own heart by the time he finally came face to face with Judai, breaths hitched in his throat and nerves making every bit of him shake.

"All right! You're here!" The alchemist was the opposite. Though it was dark, it wasn't hard to see Judai's determination. His smile was as wide as the road. He wore the same clothes as he had a few days ago, virtually unchanged.

Shou recalled what he'd said a few days ago, and wondered if the air felt any colder to him.

He was about to open his mouth, but a wave of sickness took over the moment he tried. In silence, he nodded instead, giving Judai a glance, as if to say that he wasn't content to be here.

Startled, Judai looked back awkwardly. "…Sorry about that. I kind of liked having your company." His hands entwined with each other, shifting as if to tease out some kind of tension. His look made Shou think of some kind of guilt. Did he feel bad after calling him out in the end, after enticing him into something he swore he'd not be involved in ever again?

"You promised you'd help." Shou tried to stop himself hesitating, the quake in his voice too obvious for his own liking. He had to be strong this time, he asserted himself. He had to be firm with Judai; he couldn't be dragged around by him any more, no matter the excuses he made. "You said that. You _promised_."

"I… Yeah, you're right. I did say that." He'd been right; being harsher did seem to be working. The childish smile from before had gone, and so had the wide-eyed mock-confusion. Judai's shoulders slumped, as he tried to look away.

He didn't have time to - Shou suddenly grabbed at his sleeve, yanking hard enough to jerk Judai back to look straight at him. Breathing in, ensuring that he'd hear him straight out, Shou stared on at him. Neither of the two made a sound.

Around them was an infinite bustle of people and a careless frenzy of lights. The two were unnoticeable, like shadows themselves, in the dark.

Shou felt his heart seize up in his chest, his own guilt battering. His grip slowly loosened. As his hand fell away, he couldn't bring himself to say the thoughts on his mind.

"I'm sorry. I said that I'd help." Judai spoke first, voice hoarser than only moments ago, throat growing dry. "I said you won't get hurt. I… I don't really know if I can."

Shou couldn't quite put his finger on what, but something about what he'd said seemed… _genuine._ Far from the smile he'd seen Judai wear proudly, in front of him was someone as helpless as he'd always been. It didn't seem right, to hear Judai anything but happy; but at the same time, he knew that him being honest was far more important, far better.

He didn't have much choice in the matter. He'd come here for a reason; he wasn't going to have his time wasted.

"I… I want to do something." The truth burned, but there was some kind of relief at finally saying it out loud. "I don't want to be a failure. I… I know my brother is a hundred times better, but at the same time… I came because I don't want to be looked down on…"

Hesitant, he pushed his worries back. "If… if you said you can help me, then… you can still try. And, you said I don't have to do anything if I don't want. I can just watch, right?"

He remembered what Judai had said too clearly; he didn't understand why the suggestion had stayed with him.

"…Sure…" Judai still looked uncertain, though some of his old energy seemed to be coming back, as was his smile. "You don't have to do stuff if you really don't like. I'll… try to help. But I really _will_ make sure you won't be hurt."

Shou let go of his jacket, looking up to see his companion looking a little happier. He was about to ask him to promise, but changed his mind.

As much as he'd said he'd never pick up the weapon again, he was with somebody different this time. That somebody wasn't even an exorcist. It was going to be a challenge, one that made hm feel strange, but one that he hoped he'd be helped out with. _As long as I stay alive…_

He hoped Ryo wouldn't find out.

"I'm going to try it."

Judai's hands formed determined fists. As if nothing had changed, the look in his eyes was back, and his smile returned with it, radiating the same confidence. "All right! We're a team now, got it?"

 _A team?_ It seemed too early to form one; Judai had skills, and Shou knew he had near nothing. He didn't know him that much, even, and he wasn't even sure what Judai knew about him.

"That means we look out for each other, and I'll help you no matter what! Come on!"

Eyes alert and senses on the prowl, Judai flicked his wrist, signifying to follow. Shou took a deep breath, and, bracing himself, went after Judai into the dark of the back streets.

He could see more or less, even without much light; the quirk of exorcist blood proving itself useful, even when he'd not thought about it. Shou didn't know how well Judai could see, but as he heard the clattering of trash hitting the ground, he suspected that an alchemist's vision was probably nothing special.

That, or Judai was reckless and careless - and that, he couldn't deny.

Between two buildings, where the fire escape stairs where devoid of figures, was where Judai stopped, looking around to ensure they had enough space. Seeing no-one and nothing around, save for a stray cat perched on a landing, Judai turned around, coming to a halt.

"All right, this should be fine. If all else fails, we leg it, OK?"

Shou dreaded the idea of anyone seeing. Ordinary people couldn't see shadows or exorcists' weapons, though two teenagers screaming and jumping around would probably arouse some attention. "OK. Got it."

"So, mind if I see it? You know, your weapon?"

Shou found himself trying to not show his guilt. Judai seemed excited to see something amazing; what he had was nothing special. "It's only a pseudo," he admitted.

The _Soul of the Kaiser_ was the clan's real weapon. Ryo had inherited it from their father, as clan law and tradition dictated; it was an heirloom passed on to the eldest child. Those who lacked that privilege in the clan could still call forth _something_ , most often something that resembled the inherited weapon. Pseudo-weapons bore no special powers nor had any identifying marks, though they could still cut, and that was what made them effective.

Judai was unfazed; Shou wondered if he knew what he'd meant. "Doesn't matter, still works. I'm not going to laugh."

He hoped he would keep the promise. "All right," he sighed, and stepping back, closed his eyes.

Slowly, but surely, having been unused for a while and pushed back, something within him began to rise up. His hands, gently, grew warmer, and he felt his hands relax with the comfort of sparking white fire.

It was wrong, he knew; he knew he'd said he would never do it again, but the fears had to be pushed past. Judai was here, not anyone related to him, and nobody but them would see him fail again.

His eyes fluttered open, the warmth in his hands intensifying, white flames dancing along his fingertips. His skin painted silver with light, yet unburnt, he kept the fires intact in his palms, focusing on the shape of what exactly he wanted to bring out. Across from him, Judai watched on, a tense excitement mirroring the sparks he held in his hands.

The fire and the light began to shift around, coming together and almost solidifying into a shape in Shou's hands. From a vague mass, it grew smoother as it elongated, the whiteness changing into a long, thin pole, one end sparking more violently as it twisted into a silvery blade. Its fine edges glinted with sharpness.

As the weapon's form settled, the white light began to fade. It calmed, until the blade was not so bright, and both Judai and Shou could see it clearly without their eyes feeling strange. Long and elegant, the polearm retained its silver-white colour, though Shou knew it to be nothing compared to what his brother possessed. The Soul of the Kaiser was a similar form, but far more elegant and ancient; his pseudo-weapon lacked the details on its handle and blade, and the carved silver chain that snaked down it.

"Whoa." Judai's eyes were wide with awe. "That's pretty awesome. Like, seriously…" He eyed it eagerly, hands reaching out to touch it before stopping. "Can I touch it?"

Shou nodded, offering it to him, though not letting go himself. As brilliantly as it had shone, he had not thought of the pseudo-weapon as anything fascinating since he'd first learned to summon it. Seeing someone so fascinated by it wasn't something he'd expected.

In his own hands, the handle was cool but not harsh; it fit in his palm as though it was natural. He'd forged it for himself, after all, and it was the right size for him - unlike the Soul of the Kaiser. Ryo was taller, and the inherited weapon was naturally his, just as the pseudo was Shou's.

As soon as his hand came in contact with it, Shou saw Judai jerk with a shiver.

"Damn, that's weird…" He shook his hand out, as if trying to cool it down from a burn, though he could see no damage. _Had it just been uncomfortable?_ It was an unfamiliar weapon, after all; Shou had never let anyone touch it, aside from his brother, who had tried to show him some manoeuvres with it.

Though he had always feared shadows, he'd been taught some moves with the weapon, and admitted to himself that he could probably use it. The fear that struck him every time he came face-to-face with a beast of the darkness was terrifying, and that had made him freeze up, even with the comfort of cold metal in his hands.

Determined on trying again, Judai - more carefully this time - clasped his hand around the handle of the polearm. His expression was far from the comfort Shou knew he felt whenever he held it, though he didn't seem to be in pain this time. Soundlessly, Judai grasped at the weapon, looking down at it, transfixed still at the sight of it.

He finally let go after a few seconds, his hand now much more relaxed. He didn't wave it this time, only letting it relax by his side as before. "Felt weird as hell. But still, that's so cool."

"It's only a pseudo-weapon, not anything special," Shou repeated.

"But you just pulled it out of nowhere, and seriously - " He suddenly froze.

Shou looked on, confused. Judai had literally frozen in place, jaw slack and sentence unfinished. His stillness was only marred by a faint breeze fluttering through his hair. There was silence around them, with the exception of the noise of distant streets.

It felt wrong; as wrong as Judai being silent in itself. Slowly, he turned to look away from Shou, staring into the dark.

"Shadow. Just heard it."

Suddenly, everything seemed a lot more real. Shou still had his pseudo in his hands, and Judai quickly began to dig in his pockets, muttering something Shou couldn't quite hear.

"Come on!" With a gesture telling Shou to follow, Judai turned and ran in the direction he'd been looking before. He let out a cry of excitement, and Shou, swallowing, realised he had no choice but to follow. Dread filled his entire being; he knew he was frightened already, and that he would only be coming closer to the shadow, but at the same time….

Grunting, trying to push aside his fears, he followed Judai, weapon in hand. He could feel sweat beginning to gather on his palms as they drew closer. Focusing harder, he didn't let himself lose sight of Judai, even if he wasn't sure where they'd end up, or how far they would go into the dark of the back streets.

He heard Judai shouting, "It's here!" and almost fell back. It sank in; there was a shadow there, another one, and Judai wanted to fight it. Would he be dragged in, too? Would he have to fight?

He already had something in his hands he could use; the question was, would he be able to?

Careless, he almost bumped into Judai, who had stopped, with his arms out, preventing him from going further. He was standing there, confident, hands in fists; there was not a hint of doubt in his stance. He knew where the shadow was - somewhere just there, in front of him - and he was ready to charge into battle, and Shou was the opposite. Shou still had no idea what he was doing.

"See it? Right there."

He pointed ahead, and as he moved his hand, Shou made out not only a familiar dark stone in Judai's hand, but also a pair of eerie, slitted red eyes, barely visible. Focusing more on the eyes, he saw the faint outlines of a tail, and what seemed to be long, spindly claws, scratching against the concrete.

Shou nodded, biting his lip with fear. He wanted to hide.

"It's all right. I'll help, just like I said." Judai's voice was reassuring, much calmer in spite of the danger. Bringing his fists closer to himself, gearing for battle, he whistled, as if calling out a pet. "Hey, come on out. I'm waiting…"

As if in response, something clattered; a cardboard box toppled and fell. The sound of claws scraping against the ground sent shivers down Shou's spine. He felt goosebumps pricking along his arms, and they were definitely not because of the cold.

Faintly, he made out more than just claws and a tail; the body to which they were connected was lithe and strangely thin, as if the creature had been starved. Snake-like, its tail whipped, the fork at its tip sharp, resembing an extra claw. Opening its maw, it let out something between a hiss and a snarl, a second pair of scarlet eyes making themselves visible above the first.

"All right. I'm going for it," Judai said, tone more serious now. "You can stay back if you like, but if you want to go in for it, I'll back you up."

"OK, but - " Before Shou could finish, Judai had already bounded forward.

Taunting the beast with a gesture, he hopped back as the shadow pounced, instantaneously moving from where it had been in the corner to only a few feet from Judai. He ducked as it tried to claw at his head, falling back before springing back up and swerving to the right to avoid a blow at his side.

"Ha! Try and get me now, sucker!" Playing with it, teasing, Judai darted to and fro, still - to Shou's disbelief - completely unarmed, though his fists still remained clenched. If he still had the stones in his hands, then why wasn't he using them? It made no sense.

The shadow slowed, frustrated; Judai's evasion had paid off. It seemed to be getting tired, even if only for a second, before striking again, bounding forth with its claws out. Missing again, it hit the ground, swerving immediately to launch another strike at Judai, who let out a clear laugh as the monster missed him yet again.

Shou heard Judai pant slightly and felt his own chest tighten. Why wasn't he attacking? He had to be getting tired, and he couldn't run forever. The shadow, he thought, would probably regain its strength and carry on, even when Judai ran out of energy. The idea of Judai falling to something he'd just been playing with felt terrible.

"Come on, you've got a chance now! I've got this guy nailed!"

Shou felt as if he'd been struck by lightning. _He'd… he'd been baiting it?_ For him?

He couldn't kill a shadow, not one that was violent and active and… beastly. What if it lashed out and bit down, or razored him to shreds with its claws? Any moment he had his guard down could be lethal - he didn't want to get hurt, he didn't want to die…

His family had left him. If he got attacked here, then he was alone.

He heard Judai calling at the shadow, his shouts more strained with fatigue. "Hey, come on, boy… Come get me…"

He'd have to get the shards out, he knew, sooner or later. He couldn't carry on like this forever; his own feet were glued to the ground. He couldn't do it; he couldn't…

Judai turned back to him and made eye contact; Shou still couldn't move. The shadow was so near, and even though he had a weapon in his hands - one made of silver and light - it had not attacked him, settling for its provoker instead. He had to be thankful that he was still alive, and for Judai - without him, he would almost certainly have died…

A sound like shattering glass rang through his ears, and realising what had happened, something in him relaxed. The obsidian shards had erupted from the ground, piercing the shadow through its long neck. He heard it screech with anger; the look on Judai's face screamed _success._

The kill was easy - he'd hit it where it was weak, and, looking proud of himself, Judai picked up the stone from the ground, where he'd pressed it down. As he lifted it, the crystals that had spiked up crumbled and fell, fading to dust as quickly as they'd risen. The lizard-monster let out another cry, plummeting to the ground, its neck still intact but seeping darkness. Its claws continued to flex.

Sighing with relief, Judai placed the stone from the ground - and its twin, still in his other hand - back in his coat pockets. Smiling cheerfully, he made his way back, closer to Shou.

Behind him, the shadow was still clearly twitching. Shou began to panic. Judai hadn't noticed.

"Game's over for him, huh?"

Shou felt panic surge throughout him; the monster was standing back up again, soundlessly, all four of its eyes flashing a savage blood-red in the dark. Judai still hadn't turned around, and instead wiped his hands on his jeans. It was impossible; he couldn't be that oblivious…

"Come on, Shou. There's nothing to be worried about. Just calm down now, relax…"

Shou tried to alert him, but he hadn't the strength to move a muscle. Judai was just in front of him now, and he still hadn't seen what was about to happen. The shadow was coming, for Judai, or for him, for either one of them. Shou couldn't say a word. All that came from his mouth was an empty, wordless sound.

"Don't panic, come on…"

The shadow pounced, claws shining, reflecting the light in the dark -

_"Just try it!"_

Without warning, Judai whipped around, eye-to-eye with the shadow, darting back behind Shou. Shou felt his heart scream with terror, as he clung on, unable to let go of the pole. It was coming closer - why wasn't Judai helping, why? - and any moment now, the claws were going to rake through him, and kill him -

_Kill who?_

Like an arrow shooting through the fog, something of inside Shou seized control of him; he was numb to everything for a handful of seconds as his hands moved of their own accord and clutched tightly at cold metal. His glasses reflected the sudden light of white flame - and then, as if the world had slowed, his hands moved the weapon forward and _stabbed._

He heard a deafening screech.

Pure light pierced the beast right through the chest, the fine blade stark against the mess of the darkness.

Standing beside him, Judai gave him a sly wink.

" _Now_ the game's over."

Taking control of the polearm, Judai yanked the blade back, letting it rush through more of the creature's body as it tore it apart from the inside. Powerless, it flailed its claws, letting loose one last cry before falling to the ground, completely limp this time.

Judai let himself relax fully this time, looking at the stones he'd taken out of his pockets again. He didn't seem to have found anything wrong, and they were put back quickly. As the shadow began to fade into nothingness, he sighed with relief, pleased with himself.

Eyes still wide open and breathing harshly, Shou couldn't bring himself to move. His pseudo-weapon still held in his hands, he felt his arms begin to ache from holding up the pole for so long. Though he was still paralysed in place, the light in his hands began to twist, and the weapon disappeared from them in a quick burst. Within a few seconds, it was gone, and his hands were empty, as if there had never been anything in them at all.

He felt his knees shake, but before he could fall, Judai had grabbed him, throwing a supporting arm around him. As reluctant as he was to let Judai keep him up, he found himself slumping into the support, trembling as if he had been shocked to the core.

"It's all right. It's really gone now. You can calm down."

Calm, soft in a way he hadn't noticed before - or maybe he'd never tried to be as reassuring as now - Judai's voice mellowed out to a murmur. Bit by bit, he felt his breaths begin to slow. The raw taste at the back of his throat began to dull, and his heart slowed, no longer pounding as if he had been running.

The sick feeling in his chest began to ebb away. Looking up, he could see that there was nothing left of the shadow. It was gone, dead - he had nothing to worry about. Judai had killed it. He'd injured it with his shards, and he could have killed in alone, but he'd grasped his hands and stabbed it with the weapon he'd held, and his hands had been on there as he made the kill…

The shadow was dead. The deed had been done. He had to focus.

Judai was still holding him, even as the strength in his legs came back, and the shaking subsided. "We've done it. You did it, you know." His hand patted him on the back in an odd congratulations - one he didn't understand why he deserved.

His voice had come back, though still slow, still dry. He struggled to say it out loud. "But I wasn't… I didn't…"

"You killed it, all right? You said you couldn't do it, right? You killed one this time," Judai grinned.

"I… I didn't do anything… I just… Didn't I just… stand there?" Shou stuttered.

"Well, your hands were on there, and the weapon's not mine. You stabbed it last. And if you think it doesn't count, you can keep that one."

It didn't feel right, not one bit. He couldn't take something for himself when he'd done next to nothing. All he had done was call forth the blade, but at the same time, something had seized him. He'd heard the voice of the exorcist scream in his head, and his hands had moved and gone in for the kill.

Shou knew he had done nothing himself. It could only have been instinct. Whether he could do anything more or not was something he was far from certain about.

"I don't know if I can actually do anything like that… You know, properly…"

Still calm in his tone, Judai looked to him, a strangely warm look in his eyes. It was a world away from the excitable Judai he was becoming used to.

"It's all right. It's not always easy. But hey, I can help you. You've just got to have a little confidence, and, you know… trust and all that." He flicked his free hand without a care. Even if he really did have his calm times, Shou was reminded that nothing had changed about him at all.

 _Do I really trust him, then?_ He'd been shocked and surprised more than once already, and it had not even been a week since they'd met. He'd never expected to meed someone as odd as Judai. He'd never even known that anyone like him - a war alchemist - could even exist. All he'd known about were the exorcists on his own horizon, when in reality, he lived in a world full of difference.

"We did it together, so you know, we're not too bad. We could do some pretty cool stuff."

At the same time, if Judai was right, and if he accepted his help, he had a chance. Just like he'd wanted to for years, he was going to come to something. He'd be a true first-degree exorcist, like his brother.

He'd never reach Ryo's level, but he'd known that from the beginning.

"So, are we friends or what?" Just like the first time, Judai had reached out and offered him his hand to shake.

He'd not touched it the first time.

This time, still a little bit nervous but with a wild optimism in his heart, he wordlessly took it, and smiled.

_We're some kind of friends, I guess. Even if you're strange and possibly mad. Even if you rush into things and I don't understand how you can. Even if you're awful but pretty amazing._

_Even... even if I don't know if I like you or hate you, Judai Yuki._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'destiny/resolution'
> 
> The first part of 'Unitas/Concordia' ends here. Thank you to all my readers and kudos and comment leavers. That kind of thing means a lot.
> 
> next chapter: something smells


	8. factum/compitum

**Seven.  
** **_factum/compitum_ **

Judai sighed. "Life's a mess, huh? I mean, three assignments, and I've only got time to do one…"

With a yawn, he flopped down onto a desk, not caring at all if it toppled over. Fortunately for him, it stayed put, and he almost lay on top of it. It would have been comical, Shou thought, if Judai's situation hadn't been so dire-sounding to him.

"It's your own fault if you don't leave yourself enough time. I mean…" He took a bite from his pastry, trying not to choke as Judai almost fell from the desk. Thankfully uninjured, as ever, the other boy took it as a sign, and finally sat down properly on the chair next to Shou's.

"I'm managing. I don't know how it's so hard for you."

"I can't help it if they're being assholes to me." Judai was beginning to eye Shou's food a little too desperately for his liking. Sighing, though he wasn't feeling much irritation at him, Shou dug around in his bag and tossed him a spare sandwich.

"Thanks," Judai chimed, practically attacking the food he had been given. Shou rolled his eyes and went back to eating again. It was the third time this week he'd forgotten to get himself something to eat, and Shou had decided that he had to be kind. He'd grown accustomed to Judai forgetting half his things, from his lunch to most of the things in his bag at one point, as even if he wasn't too fond of lending, he felt obliged. It was the least he could to to repay him.

A month had passed since the first time he'd killed a shadow with a weapon in hand. He couldn't forget the sick feeling he'd had, and the horror that had come with his realisation - he'd killed a shadow, even when he said he would never _try_ , but the shock was ebbing away now. The secret was between him and Judai, and he was safe, both still alive and safe from his brother.

He worried what his brother would do if he'd find out. He'd been told he wouldn't be helped if he fell into trouble again, but he wasn't in trouble now. He had a friend by his side, and that friend wasn't even an exorcist. Though their styles were different, they had common ground, and so he'd agreed to help.

On two nights at least every week, they had been meeting up after dark, sparring together and chasing after a few shadows. His heart still beat fast when in the presence of creatures of darkness, but he wasn't scared stiff now; he could move more, and at least slash at them to give them a few injuries.

How long had Judai been fighting them for? He hadn't asked him yet. He seemed to have a fair amount of experience, enough to meet each challenge with relative ease, and the fighting came easy to him. He almost danced with the stones in his hands as pointed shards dug into shadow flesh, and did so without a care in the world.

He teased them, he smiled. Was it all just another game?

 _If you laugh at something, then you're not scared of it._ Judai had explained it to him one evening, as they headed back into familiar territory in the wake of a kill. Shou himself had never been able to stomach the idea.

_I can't laugh at something that might be about to kill me. How can he?_

"Thanks again, seriously. I'm not going to forget tomorrow, I swear…" Judai repeated, half-chewing. Shou ignored it; he was most likely going to forget again. 'Judai' and 'organisation' were two words that made no sense in the same sentence, unless 'terrible' was in there too. "But hey, we're meeting tonight, though, aren't we?"

"Yeah."

As ever, the one thing he had yet to forget was their meeting arrangements. Tonight, as it had been for the past few weeks, was one of their scheduled meetings. Eight o'clock, by the same road as always. It had become part of Shou's timetable within the month; with Judai, it seemed that he had never even had to think about it. He was often late to classes but never to after-dark meetings, even when he claimed he'd gotten caught up at home. Shou had tried to arrive earlier than him once, and remembered the upstaging he'd gotten; Judai, coincidentally, had finished his work faster than usual that day.

Shou admitted he felt indebted to Judai for the help that he'd given. Maybe the food was enough to pay him back.

"Halloween's coming, then. You think there's more of them around then?" Judai asked, curious.

From what he'd heard from his brother before, it wasn't far from the truth. "Probably. There are more shadows around in winter anyway, since it's colder and darker…" Uncertainly, he added, "And demons. There's more chances of there being demons, I think."

"Wait, demons?" Judai put the rest of his sandwich down and leaned in. "You mean actual demons? Those are actually real?"

Shou hadn't expected him to look so intense about it. "You didn't know they exist?"

Demons and shadows, according to the words of clansmen from the beginnings of exorcism itself, were one and the same in essence, both beings of darkness. Shadows were simpler, born from humanity's sadness and anger, and leeching off those emotions to continue existing. He'd seen them take the forms of strange beasts with mad crimson eyes. They screeched and cried, and yet could feel no actual pain; they were not human.

A demon was a higher power; a shadow left unexorcised, like a wound left to fester. They felt pain, and were physically no different from shadows, but their abilities made them nightmarish. Demons possessed humans: they drove them to madness and misery and chaos, forced fingers to twist knots in ropes and knives into red flesh.

Demons felt pain. Demons spoke, too, but just as humans could not see not hear shadows, they could not be heard by most.

Shou's kind could hear them.

Judai shook his head. "I don't know. You get so much angels-and-demons stuff going on that I have no idea if they're actually real. Might have just been made up if it's religious stuff. Sounds like something religious to me, anyway…"

"…You don't believe in them?"

Judai almost interrupted, making sure his perspective got through. "I believe what's there in front of me, and I've seen shadows, but never any demons…"

It didn't seem to make much sense, not to Shou at least. Shadows and demons were almost the same thing.

"You might have fought one and not realised, they look the same…"

"Dunno." Judai shrugged. "Well, if they're the same, then I guess there isn't much difference when it comes to fighting them. That's all I need to know, really."

"I thought you'd been taught these things," Shou inquired. He remembered Judai telling him that he'd had a teacher of some kind.

"I did… Just wasn't sure. I swear he told me something about demons, but I can't remember a thing."

 _Typical,_ Shou thought. Judai barely ever paid attention to anything. He'd asked to see his notes at least three times already in the one class they actually shared. Being seated next to each other didn't help either; he'd always end up distracted.

"Well, whatever," he sighed, going back to his food. "At least that's Halloween cut out for us. You're not doing anything, right?"

"No…" He didn't think he would be. As tired as he was after their training-and-hunting sessions in the evenings, some part of him felt more than enthusiastic to go out there again, especially on Halloween. There was something darkly thrilling about it, whether he hated or loved it.

"Good! That's on then." There wasn't much room for questioning Judai's plans. As bad as it seemed, Shou decided he didn't mind. "Oh, and thanks for the food."

"It's nothing…"

"Still good. I'll pay you back somehow if you want. Hey, I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind if you came over tonight. We're meant to be meeting up anyway…"

He'd never been to Judai's home. All he knew about his family was that they knew nothing about Judai being an alchemist.

"Wait, is that really all right?"

Shou could contact his brother; his family didn't seem to mind. The less they saw of each other, the better, he thought, especially since his last shaming. He was still scared of being found out. Though he had not been wounded, and there was nothing about him to suggest he spent some evenings fighting, the idea still filled him with dread.

Judai shrugged, careless yet positive. "Probably. I'll get back to Mom. She's fine with just about anything, though, seriously." Eyeing Shou and seeing him hesitate, he insisted. "Really."

_Would she be fine with you if she knew the truth about you?_

He'd spent his entire life with two exorcist clansmen. Hiding his abilities, whether they were wanted or not, used or unused, seemed like hiding a tattoo. Things never have stayed hidden.

The one thing his family seemed to be unable to sniff out precisely were the very things they were hunting. He'd always found it bizarre, how an alchemist could detect shadows close by, and yet, no exorcist was truly able to. His kind had had to rely on intuition and clues from second-grade exorcists, who blocked shadows from possessing temporarily, and left them confined to a set area. It was how his father, who no longer took part in battles, and his brother, who did, managed to keep their area relatively quiet.

He wondered if they'd noticed anything suspicious about the numbers of shadows, or if he and Judai had been off their radar on the other side of town.

He wasn't aware of anyone else hunting the dark in that area.

"So, what do you say? We can meet up after school, head to my place, sleep over at mine if you like. If your folks don't mind it, you know…" Judai suggested. "Hope they're not too strict on you. I mean, aside from the whole exorcist thing, I know that…"

He hadn't told Judai much about his family. He knew they were exorcists, and ones that were proud of their clan, and Shou had told him about his brother and the blade that he carried. It had made sense to, what with his pseudo-weapon being a copy of the Soul of the Kaiser, even if he hadn't been sure as to whether revealing all of the family secrets was really a good thing.

He hadn't told him everything, but what he needed to know, Judai knew. Shou knew a lot less about his friend's family, admittedly, but Judai had said there was nothing to know anyway. They were as normal as normal people could get, he'd said with a shrug. Above all, they didn't know that their own son was an alchemist.

Judai had spoken with relief and ease on the topic of parents.

Shou was the opposite. It irked him a little every time Judai said 'folks' when he referred to his family. There were only the three of them; his brother, who spent more time at university then at home, himself, and their father, more distant than ever since the last time Shou had been judged and ruled out of the clan.

He'd been told he looked like his mother a few times. Once, in the aftermath, he'd fought the urge to tear his hair out.

Even if Judai kept his activities a secret, it was probably easier for him to get on with his parents. Shou had spent years wishing he wasn't a Marufuji.

"No, they're all right." He admitted with hesitation. It wasn't a lie; his father wouldn't mind. As long as they barely spoke, things would somehow stay calm.

"All right! You tell them you're coming, and I'll tell mine. But seriously, don't worry. My parents," he grinned, "are a serious pushover."

Shou hoped from the pit of his stomach that Judai was not abusing their trust.

* * *

They walked down familiar streets later that day. Even if they knew them like the back of their hands by now, it was strange seeing them lit up and not cloaked in night, as they were used to seeing them during their meetings under the lampposts of the city.

Shou had lived in the same city since he was born, and had grown up learning the landmarks and the names of the criss-crossing roads of the main districts, along with his own.

Glancing around at the small crowds rushing through by daylight, he wondered how well Judai had come to know them in the month since he'd arrived.

Even so, he himself didn't know every inch of the city and suburbs as well as he claimed to. He knew the part they had reached, close to their usual after-dark haunts, but not much else beyond on this side of town.

Judai led on, as always. One step ahead, his eyes reflected the dimming sky.

"So it's like fifteen minutes from here, I hope that's not too bad… You all right?"

Turning back to wait for him, Judai stopped to let Shou catch up. Once they were side by side, Judai continued.

"You seem off. You OK?"

If anything, it was Judai that seemed off, what with his asking. He made no sense to Shou; first being blunt and careless, then becoming concerned whenever he looked into another direction. Shaking his head, he denied it. "I'm fine, all right?"

He hadn't meant it to come across so moody. "I-I'm sorry, but I'm fine! You don't have to worry…" Apologetic, he hoped Judai wouldn't be mad.

"Well, sure. OK!" Casual and unconcerned, as he'd been before, he smiled back. Shou sighed with relief.

In the end, his father hadn't minded about him going to Judai's house, but his reply had been barely-there. 'Yes' was enough for most things in his family, with 'no' being the alternative; unless the topic was exorcism. Anything else was resolved without much feeling.

Perhaps it was for the best. The last thing Shou wanted was an argument. His father would always win those, no questions asked. There was no point even trying.

It was why they spoke so little.

It really was for the best.

He'd gotten so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't notice that Judai had fallen behind. It wasn't until he'd tried to push his thoughts away and suggest a happier conversation topic that he realised he was no longer hearing Judai's voice past the crowd. For a second, he panicked, thinking he was gone. Frantically turning around, he gasped with relief, spotting him again.

Judai had stopped, looking intently through some window. Something had drawn him in, though what, Shou had no idea. Running back, he stopped by Judai's side. Copying him, Shou focused through the window, trying to pick out what had attracted his attention so much.

Inside the coffee shop, as always at this time of day, there was a bustling queue filled with teenage girls and the odd man or woman in a suit. An elderly couple had taken the seats by the window, the white haired man leaning back in a faux-leather armchair. A woman in uniform dragged her mop behind where they were sat, wiping her brow.

Nothing looked out of place. Everything was busy, like it always was, and the crowd weren't clamouring for some unusual sight; like usual, all that concerned them was tea and coffee.

_Was that all he was after?_

"What is it?" Shou prodded. "Do you just want drinks, or…" Just wanting a drink seemed like a strange reason to just stare through a window. The last thing he wanted was for either of them to be accused of being some creep.

"Something." Judai muttered, squinting, as if trying to find some kind of odd detail. "There's something in there. _Somebody_ in there."

"What do you mean?" Shou asked, intrigued. "There's lots of people there. I mean, it's a coffee shop."

"Not just anyone. I… I felt something." Looking back at Shou, he met his curious gaze with his own, much sharper than usual. "Do you know if you have _company_ at all in this city?"

"Company?"

"Any more _exorcists?_ "

Shou jerked at the word, feeling strange goosebumps rise on his skin. He'd never considered the idea. He'd known that his family, the Marufuji clan, weren't the only exorcists around; but he'd never been sure if there were any more beyond their territory.

 _We have a territory for a reason - damn you, why didn't you think of that?_ He wanted to slap himself at the realisation. He'd never thought there was anybody that close, but if they had their own space, then surely there had to be others, in another part of the city…

"No." He mumbled, hesitant to admit his stupidity. "There probably are other people, but I… I don't know anyone else. Not their names, anyway."

He'd not been considered part of the clan, unlike his brother. There was no reason for him to be told of such things.

Judai sighed, his old carelessness coming back to his face. He didn't seem angry, at least; Shou felt a wave of relief. "It's vague. I don't know who it is."

"You're not going to… just walk in and ask, are you?" It sounded ridiculous. He recalled how Judai had confronted him in the empty classroom for the first time a month ago, and even alone, it had been far from relaxed. In a crowd, the idea of _just singling someone out_ and asking them left him on edge.

Being stared at and called weird wasn't something he wanted. _Far from it._

"Nah." Judai shrugged, turning away and continuing the walk. Shou, still confused, had no choice but to follow. "Too many people. That's just too confusing."

"You picked me out, though, somehow…"

"You're… _kind of different_ , though." The look Judai gave him reminded him of the face he'd made while obviously trying to fabricate some kind of excuse on the night he'd first seen him kill a shadow. "I had that thing too, but then I found you, and you were on your own then…"

Shou didn't want to believe him for a second, but could think of no better explanation himself.

"You said I smell, right? Does this person smell, too?"

Judai hadn't changed his expression, now beginning to play with his hands; Shou could see something under the surface wasn't quite right. Fidgeting, Judai tried to look away, first to the side, then forward, avoiding eye contact with Shou.

"Eh… Only a bit… But seriously, I really can't tell. There's too many people in there, all right?"

He swore he'd heard some kind of odd chuckle under his breath as he gave him the answer. Deciding it wasn't worth making him uncomfortable - he didn't want to prod too much, not now - Shou sighed, dropping the subject and letting the himself bask in some rare silence.

Judai didn't say much until they had left the main district, past their old evening haunts and into the quieter streets. The noise grew softer as they walked on, Judai beginning to hum some song Shou didn't recognise, while he observed the area that presumably surrounded Judai's home.

It seemed no different from most suburbs, with the odd potted plant knocked over and some woman walking her dog asking to be let past. Now and then, Judai turned back to check that Shou was still there; his hesitancy was wearing off with time. Eventually, his smile returned, sunny as ever, as if the awkwardness of the encounter had had its day.

Judai was a confusing person, Shou thought.

As much as he hated him for avoiding what mattered, and laughing in the face of danger when any normal human would be tense, he couldn't deny that Judai was important to him. He was a valuable helper, and as strange as it sounded, he could feel him becoming a valuable friend.

He'd hated him at the start, but now, as the two of them walked on, side by side, he knew his feelings had changed. He was thankful for him.

 _Some day,_ he thought, _you'll admit whatever's leaving you on edge, and then, I'll try and help you._

Even if it sounded cringeworthy, he felt that urge to give back what he had received.

* * *

School had not ended long ago, yet it was already growing dark. Autumn was progressing.

"…I mean, _come on_ , how the hell am I supposed to agree to that? I'm not spending Saturday with my kid brother when everyone else is out partying!"

A small bell sounded as two girls left the warmth of the café where they'd relaxed a while, walking out together and continuing down the street. They walked with the crowd, lost amongst the workers going home and the friends coming into the city, trails of gossip losing themselves in the cool of the evening and the rustle of falling leaves.

"Damn…" Moping, the shorter of the two - a dark-haired girl, Momoe - trailed off, almost leaning onto her friend midway through her stride. "Seriously, what's wrong with them? How bad can they _get?_ Me, babysitting?"

The friend, her hair a lighter ash-blonde, sighed, caught between half-hearted sympathy and the mild annoyance of hearing the whining. "There's nothing wrong," she said back, calmly. "Things happen, I guess. You've just got to tolerate family, even if it's for a little while."

Momoe scoffed, more playful than resentful. "Easy for you to say… You don't have a brother who's six years younger and a pain in the ass!"

"Forget the age difference, they're all a pain in the ass…" She said it with a smile, concealing a chuckle as she seemed to recall some memory.

 _She'd tolerate the apocalypse if it was happening around her._ It was the one thing Momoe didn't quite understand about her.

Turning back, Momoe felt the urge to shiver, just looking at her. Her friend wasn't wearing a coat, only her royal-blue blazer, with only a light sweater to keep her from freezing.

She envied her in more ways than one.

"Are you seriously not going to catch a cold like this?" Momoe admitted. That was another thing she wondered about; how could she not have frozen to death in this weather? It was only October, but she could see her own breath already. The evenings were worst for it, and she had a coat herself.

"No, I'm all right."

"Sure? How are you not cold?" Momoe pressed.

"I _am_ cold, but it isn't bad. I'm almost home anyway…" She turned to face Momoe again, smiling. "…Look, seriously, do _not_ worry about me!"

"OK, I'm not!" Momoe chimed back. It was an honest lie. It was impossible to not worry. She knew nobody else as tolerant as her; both in terms of attitude and weather.

Her mind drifted to thoughts of hot chocolate and at least three fuzzy blankets in bed; anything but her friend with her arms around her, shivering beside her. She had to be denying it; she had to be cold, just like any other human being. Momoe had never known anyone else who could resist it like her. Whenever she offered her something, she'd gladly accepted, but never demanded before she was offered.

Momoe would never tell her friend that she thought her weird, but the truth was that she found it hard to think otherwise.

They didn't walk on for much longer before coming to the point where their paths diverged. The two lived in the same area, but were still a fair walk apart. As much as she wanted to walk her friend home to ensure she wasn't cold, Momoe decided not to ask again; it was only a coat, after all. As she looked back to her phone, she decided she had to speed up pace, and her walk became a light jog, waving her friend goodbye in a slight panic.

It hadn't been a good idea to stop for coffee, she'd realised too late; her brother would have likely stolen the remote again, and she had a new episode to catch before she was showered with spoilers. Irritated, more at herself than anyone else, she hurried off, calling out at her friend to tell her she'd see her tomorrow.

She was sure that she'd understand, and not mind.

The blonde girl walked on, having waved off Momoe. Some part of her felt relieved at that; as much as she was fond of company, complaints were not exactly her favourite topic.

Family wasn't bad, but that too, was a small source of irritation.

There were more important things to do in life than to complain, both of them knew. Momoe's habits didn't quite irritate her - a friend was a friend, and she tolerated and loved those friends - even though her own character would never be the same as those of the girls she spent time with.

Momoe was one thing, and she was another. In more ways than one, her friends didn't know the ways in which she and them weren't the same.

Running a hand through her hair and letting it swish loosely around her back, she let her walk become more relaxed, tension leaving her shoulders and arms as if shaking dust out of an old cloth. Alone was her time to prosper - with friends by her side, things could be fun and she could forget the life she had at home, no doubt about it - and by herself, she was whatever she wanted to be.

Her arms stayed by her sides as she walked, palms no longer pressed to skin. On the last part of her journey home, where almost nobody would see her, she didn't have to pretend any more.

There was something fun about lying, she thought, even with some sense of justice.

She really had forgotten her coat that morning. It had been silly of her, and she'd only realised when she'd met with Momoe, ten minutes away from her house at the start of the day. It hadn't been like her; she never forgot something as trivial as that, and that made her feel ashamed a little. She'd been one layer short on a cold autumn day, and it would only be getting colder.

She wasn't far from home. She wasn't going to freeze or get hypothermia; the rest of the walk wasn't a long way. She'd make it without any issues. Sure, few could call cold weather pleasant, but the truth was that she didn't mind.

Tolerance of people was something she'd built up around people, or something she'd had since childhood; she wasn't sure. It was easier around friends and nonexistent around her brother, but it was a character thing. She didn't mind, in the end.

The cold was another thing; something she dared not tell anyone, because it wasn't something she'd ever had to develop.

She was one of _a different kind_ , and nobody in her family had ever felt it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'achievement/crossroads'
> 
> And it's the second part of this wreck of a story. I have just completed all of this part, and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> next chapter: the phantom of the opera is there


	9. fera/formosa

**Eight.  
** **_fera/formosa_ **

They walked down the same roads that evening after the sun had set, the concrete no longer painted gold, but a deep dark instead.

It had become like a ritual for the past month for them to visit the same part of town, knowing there was nobody but them there after dark. It was an escape for Shou, away from his family, and for Judai, a place he'd gotten to know; somewhere that wasn't far from home, and somewhere there was usually plenty of shadowkind to hunt. Just like any other time, they'd wait until dusk fell, then practice; then, Judai would scent out a shadow or two and they would go in for the kill.

Even if it had scared Shou at the beginning, the hunt was becoming a kind of refuge. He'd improved in the month since the first encounter, and Judai was someone he could trust. Even if something went wrong, he knew he could trust him to help. Their tactics, he knew, were different, from their weapons to their attitudes to the fight, but something within them was clicking, as friends. He felt happier having reassurance; he hoped Judai was happier too with his company.

His family most likely despised him, and he went to bed each night hoping they hadn't learned of his disobedience, but in the end, they'd said they'd do nothing, and there wasn't much to fear after dark with a friend by his side.

"Sorry about my mother, though. I mean, OK, it's kind of my fault, I didn't wash up this morning and then she had a go at me…"

Judai's rambling urged him back to reality, and he recalled the memory with a smile. It had been kind of funny, he admitted. Of all the things he had expected to hear when Judai announced his arrival into his own home, an angry English speaker had not been on the list at all.

He'd almost stumbled when Judai replied back to the voice with a shout of his own, and in perfect English himself, no less. Shou hadn't known that Judai could speak English; at least, not that well. The two had never shared an English class, and when he thought about it, English was the one set of notes Judai had never asked to peer at.

 _Mom gets pissed, and that's when she goes into English._ He'd said it so casually, as he always did, even if he was talking about something outrageous, or strange, or just unexpected.

Shou had looked at him as if he'd seen a ghost.

"How come she started talking in English?" He asked, curious. He'd put the question aside before in favour of dinner and Judai showing him around.

"Ah, well… It's kind of a long story, but she and my dad met while she was at college in America. Translation degree," he added. "They lived there for a while, she got a job while he was doing his doctorate, and then, I guess I don't think I was part of the plan."

Shou couldn't help but cringe.

"…So, I was technically born there, but I don't remember it. We moved back to Japan just after I was born, and we've been here since."

"Wow. That's pretty cool..." Shou replied, unable to hide his envy. "How well do you speak English, then? You can understand her really well." His own English was far from perfect, and consisted of mostly school work and a few odd bits from television.

"Just enough to get on with her. I'm used to her going into English. She does Spanish too – she had an entire _telenovela_ phase a few years back. I'm not kidding, she used to marathon Mexican dramas! And her music tastes are pretty much all love songs in other languages."

"Can you speak Spanish as well?" Shou prodded.

"Nah. Just 'hi' and 'bye', really. Sorry to disappoint you." After a few seconds, he added, leaning in, "Actually, I can swear too, but that's more something I looked up on the Internet. She doesn't need to know that."

"That's useful, though…So does she just like languages, or is that her job?"

"Both, really. She's a translator. She likes languages so much she'll go into one when she's in a mood. You heard English, but you're lucky she wasn't didn't go into Mandarin." Judai snorted under his breath. Shou didn't understand what was so funny about his mother speaking Mandarin, and for some reason, didn't want to find out.

"That's pretty cool anyway."

"Well, it has its perks for me too. She's out tonight with friends, and Dad's at a conference…" Judai's eyes lit up with some kind of sly determination that only left Shou confused.

"So they won't know you're out?"

"They never know. Anyway, I'm extra sure tonight. Nobody's going to complain if we go off and do the usual, kill a few embodiments of darkness here and there, be a friendly local exorcist - except, well, I'm not an exorcist…"

Shou nodded, concealing a laugh. Judai's parents really did know nothing, and having them out would be a real advantage. He couldn't help but wonder how Judai had managed to get out of the house so often without punishment in the last month. Were they out that much? Or did they simply not notice, or let his behaviour slide?

His own father hadn't cared much before he'd been shamed a month ago, and hadn't seen him sneak out since. Even if he did get caught, his father had said he would do nothing. Ryo had the inherited weapon, besides, and he had said that he would not help either.

If he hurt himself or died, it would be his own fault. That had been his family's approach.

Maybe it was for the best, and yet, at the same time, Shou couldn't stop himself wondering if they would miss him if he actually died. Fortunately, he had Judai to help, and he'd improved himself, too, even if was far from perfect, and most likely, he'd make it out alive.

Shadows frightened him still, but at least he could move and slash at them more freely. He had himself and a friend for support.

_Is that going to be enough?_

He hoped so.

"…But yeah, sorry about my mom. She's not used to me having friends round."

"Yeah…" Shou mumbled. He still hadn't recovered from the fawning treatment he'd gotten from Judai's mother. She'd looked at him as if he was some kind of miracle. Shou had narrowly avoided being pounced on and embraced to death, and had been offered him virtually everything in the house as soon as his mother had seen him.

He couldn't remember the last time he had been hugged before that.

Judai bringing over a friend, apparently, was far more of a special occasion than he'd expected. It had taken them ten minutes to suggest to Judai's mother that they'd rather be left alone for a while.

"She did say she was all right with it. Back before we moved house, I never called anyone over. To be honest, I didn't actually have anyone to call over, but still…" Judai smiled, but Shou wasn't taken by the obvious facade.

"You didn't have anyone back there?"

"No…" More hesitant, the mask having been shattered, Judai's shoulders drooped. "I honestly didn't."

Shou almost didn't want to enquire why, but curiosity got the better of him before he could shut it up. "Why? Did they… know about you?"

"Not a chance. Guess they just didn't like me."

"That's mean."

"Life gets tough, but you find a way out. My dad got a job here, so we moved. That's been really good, actually. You're great, you know that?" Judai's smile was back as he glanced at Shou again. He, too, couldn't help but smile back.

Judai had become a friend in a short space of time - a friend that understood him, and one that had helped him conquer his fears. He'd pulled him out of his comfort zone, and into danger - and he was in danger even now, making his way to someplace they could find and kill another shadow - but even that was not as frightening any more. He'd somehow adjusted, and he still had a fair way to go, but without Judai, he would never have taken the first steps.

Misawa had been a friend, too, but he'd drifted to other people whenever he needed. Judai had stuck by him.

He hoped that that had not been solely because of him being an exorcist.

"I… I'm glad. You're great too," Shou quietly replied, blushing with the praise he'd received.

They wandered on for a few more minutes, the sky only growing darker. Every now and then, Judai would look off to one side, then quickly turn to the other. Shou knew he was sensing things - he'd become used to it over the last month - though why he continued on walking, he wasn't sure.

The city was full of shadows, as was any human dwelling place. Where there were humans, there were sadness and anger and confusion and hatred. Wherever humans were was where shadows were, feeding off emotion and fuelling that emotion further.

It made him sick, just thinking of the possibilities. The world could be a dreadful, cruel place.

It was why his kind existed.

They turned off into one of the smaller side streets, away from the amber streetlights and vivid windows and lights of the main street. Here, they were sheltered, away from the crowd, where nobody would see them. They'd seen the odd passers-by in these parts before, but they were never a threat to them; here, they had space and relative quiet and virtually nobody to interfere with their practices.

Judai led the way, as usual. After a few minutes, they'd found their way back to their usual spot, near some back walls and a rusted-out fire escape at the side of a brick building. A cat stared out from behind an abandoned box, fleeing with a flash of its green eyes as its space was invaded.

Glancing around, Judai breathed out a sigh of relief. "Right, place is empty. You want to start, then?"

Shou nodded, stopping opposite Judai a few metres away. Putting on a brave face, he closed his eyes and reached out, feeling his pseudo-weapon materialise in his hand. Warmth surged through his veins like streams of fire, heat pulsing as the polearm formed, then fell neatly into his hand as he opened his eyes, meeting Judai head-on.

"All right." His breaths were still tense as he took a stance, even after weeks of practice.

 _I can do this, I can do it,_ he repeated. _I'm not going to let anything get in my way. I'm going to get better at this, and I'm going to try._

Holding it tight in his hands, thinking of the way his brother fought, he focused and signalled with a slight nod.

Judai accepted the sign, and had already whipped out the stones he kept in his pockets by the time Shou made the first attack. The first swing of the polearm was blocked and parried by a rogue shard in midair, and the next one broke as it was hit, shielding Judai's hip.

Spotting what had to be a gap in his defences, Shou swung at his shoulder, missing only narrowly as his partner darted away. Judai was fast, and he knew it, envied it, even, and he still had a ways to go, even after a month.

 _I'm still going to get you!_ Shou swung the pseudo-weapon back into both hands, holding out its bladed end in a threat. Judai drew back, forced into restoring the distance between them. As Shou swung it again, aiming higher this time, Judai evaded, but only just; he'd had to raise some more shards from one stone in his hand to slow down the blade, and once Shou pulled back, he responded.

As a few glass-like spikes burst up from the floor, Shou fought back, panting, sweeping the shards away with a quick whoosh of the weapon. What he knew he had was distance and range; what Judai had was speed and energy, something he admitted he lacked as of yet, and something he knew he had to work hard for.

Judai stood up, as if he had read his mind in that instant. A quick breather would do both of them good.

"You've gotten better… honest." Judai said, wiping his forehead. "I'm really not lying about that."

Shou knew he couldn't have been tired out that much, but appreciated the gesture nonetheless. He hoped Judai was right, and that he hadn't been bluffing.

"You're not too bad yourself…"

Suddenly, there was a loud gasp, making Shou almost drop his weapon.

The sounds of the city, clear as ever, were still ringing in the background. Judai's eyes were wide, mouth agape. "Shit," he mumbled, after too much silence for the pause to be comfortable.

Shou looked around, frantic, but saw nothing. "What is it?"

_"Company."_

There was something ominous about the way he'd said it. It was a familiar reaction. Judai had sensed something nearby; something that reeked of trouble of the supernatural kind. There had to be a shadow close by. Shou felt his heart begin to pound, louder and faster, his arm muscles tensing, anxious but knowing he had to pull out his weapon.

"Wait." When Judai spoke again, he was much calmer. Why, Shou didn't understand. Judai had always rushed into battle head-first and with a smile on his face. _What was the problem now?_

Turning around, a look of intrigue in his eyes, Judai bit his lip.

"I don't mean the shadow kind of company. We've got _exorcist company_."

Shou didn't have time to respond before he was yanked by the sleeve and urged to run, the shock making him lose control of his pseudo-weapon. It fell from his grasp, fading in a burst of sparks before it could hit the ground.

Judai's hand, firm and determined, was keeping him close, and he had no choice but to follow. Judai's curiosity was something he'd found hard to challenge; even if that curiosity was making him itch for a fight, and he would get involved too if he came…

_I could protest, but I want to find out too. What's going on? Company? Who is it, really?_

He'd not met any other exorcists face-to-face before. At this rate, he was going to run straight into one.

 _Sooner or later, sooner or later,_ he thought. _It was always going to happen, knowing his luck. Bad things had always happened around him, for as long as he could remember._

 _Sooner or later_ \- that 'sooner or later' was now.

His heart was leaping restlessly in his chest as he followed, not knowing where to go other than to follow Judai, who, like a hound dog, was leading on with his instincts.

"In here. I think, anyway."

Judai had stopped, pointing at the doors of a battered-looking warehouse. In the dark, it was harder to make out, but Shou could see the mess of rust and peeling paint on the doors, and couldn't help but find it unsettling.

"You sure?" He shivered.

"I… I think so. It's got that weird smell to it."

"Like mine?"

"Not quite; you're different. Not that one I felt before, either. I really don't know what this is."

"You said an exorcist!" Shou yelped.

"Smells like one, yeah, but I don't know their name. Come on."

Easing one door forward, finding it to be unlocked, Judai peered in, going first. Glancing over his shoulder, he gestured for Shou to follow him in.

There wasn't much inside, from what they could see, with some thin windows towards the high roof, and the odd cracks filtering in light from outside. Piles of what looked to be crates were scattered around the back in a haphazard jumble. On the floor - Shou treaded around it, hesitant - was a small puddle, dangerously close to a piece of cable, torn up and useless on the floor.

Spotting cracks in the slits of glass above him, Shou fought to restrain himself. The place was cold, too cold to be comfortable, and something was definitely off about it; but what, he couldn't tell exactly. Judai, too, seemed to be on edge with uncertainty, scanning the space in search of clues as to what he'd sensed inside.

"Hello? Anyone around here?" Judai called out, echo bouncing from wall to wall. "Hello?"

He was met with total silence.

"…Nope? Well, I guess not." Turning to Shou, his voice quietened a little, but stayed loud enough to echo. "Come on, this place feels dead. Let's get out of here."

The cunning smirk on his face as he said it made Shou think otherwise.

"Shou? I'm telling you, nothing here! We ought to get out!"

"Well, look who's here."

The new voice made Shou jump. Judai had been right all along; they had never been alone here. Before he could reply, or even run, Judai was already on the move, making his way back into the warehouse's depths.

"Knew it." His voice was cocky, anticipating the new voice's owner to reveal themeselves from the shadows. "Knew there was someone in here. Hey, you gonna come out?" He shouted.

"The show's just about to get started, you know?" This time, the reply wasn't as calm. Like Judai's, it took on an edge of excitement.

The echoes were throwing him off, and it wasn't the best place for seeing clearly, but as Shou focused, he began to pin down the corner from where he had heard the voice come from. He dared not turn around, fearing whatever - whoever - lay concealed in the dark. This place was like some sort of hideout; one the voice's owner most likely knew like the back of his hand…

He dreaded the thought that the place might be filled with traps of all kinds.

He had to get out.

"Judai - "

"Don't run away now!"

Gasping, Shou turned around to face the source of the voice, caution tossed away in an instant. The sound had echoed, but he'd gotten the source right, or at least close to it. Judai followed suit, quickly spotting the right area.

Where some stray light was pooling through a small window, the two made out a human shape perched on top of some of the crates, broad-shouldered yet lithe, and clad in a long, dark coat. Sat amongst the piles and messed-up stacks, the figure looked almost playful, as if it had been lazing there, watching them all along.

"So, you're the ones who have been playing around in our territory." With pride in his voice and his pose strong, yet relaxed enough to make Shou unsettled in the darkness, the figure spoke. The depth of the voice suggested a man. As the stranger shifted and turned, he swung his legs over to the edge of the crates, before standing up to full height.

Light traced the edges of his coat and the tips of his fingers, glistening as it highlighted a white mask covering the top half of his face.

"This is our place. Other clansfolk aren't allowed to hunt here, _by the laws of my clan._ "

Smiling, the masked figure leapt.

His dark coat billowed out behind him like a cape as he jumped and expertly landed, unhurt. Coming closer, his steps echoed, sending shivers down Shou's spine. As he came closer, long fingers gently touched the mask, as if to remove it, but it stayed on, as if to tease. His coy smirk, grew clearer as he came closer.

"I could spare you right now. Just promise to not come back…"

"Hey, who's making the rules here?" Judai lashed out and mirrored the look on the masked man's face. Shou wanted to tug at his sleeve and tell him to be quiet for his own good, but didn't have time to, before the figure replied.

"This area's under our control. Clan laws are the laws of all clans; respect territory or pay the price…"

He didn't seem too aggressive; his voice was silken, careful and refined, yet somehow sharp and intriguing. Judai's expression didn't seem to have changed, and instead, he reached out his hand, gesturing at the figure, as if to tempt him to strike.

 _God, don't._ Goosebumps beginning to rise, he nudged Judai, eyes wide. "We should get out," he whispered.

The suggestion was most likely ignored. He didn't look back; instead, Judai's gaze remained fixed on the man with the mask. His grin was still intact, as if on the hunt for a challenge.

_You're in trouble, don't you realise?_

Winking, Judai threw out a taunt. "I don't go by clan laws; heck, I don't even have a clan…" The slip of both hands into his pockets alerted Shou; he almost screamed at him, _don't you dare -_

With a dry laugh, the masked man replied, his disbelief clear. "No clan? Really?" One hand reached down to his side, something light and sparking dancing around his palm. Tell-tale flickers twisted around his fingers, before clustering together in his hand into a more definite form. White-silver, in his grip, twisted into a sleek, sharp, pure blade.

He raised his arm, his hand with the sparks still lingering coming to eye-level. What he now held in his hand was a carved knife of white metal, finely forged, and though it was not close enough to see in detail, Shou knew it to be as intricately engraved as the _Soul of the Kaiser_ his brother possessed.

 _Inherited weapon!_ The voice in his head sparked.

Wide-eyed, Shou realised he had come face-to-face with not just a clansman, but the head, or the heir of a rival exorcist clan.

"Clanless, huh?" Coming closer still, the shining blade in hand, the man's steps resonated with Shou's terrified heartbeat. "That's a new one. Got a weapon, at least?"

"Yeah. Not one like yours though. Mine isn't that flashy, and I'm kinda jealous." His smirk clear still, Judai tossed one of the small stones he'd taken out like a coin in his hand. With odd bits of light glinting among its edges, it really did seem like an odd coin in the dark, albeit much darker. Shou braced himself for the sound of shadowy crystals and stalagmites bursting forth from the ground.

Nothing was happening. Still, in his hand, he continued to flip his stone, eyeing the stranger as if to throw him off somehow.

"Jealous? Well, thank you for that. It's nice of you to compliment me," the exorcist sighed, unaffected. "But that's still not the right answer. If we're going to fight it out here, you might as well bare your arms now."

"Judai!" Shou yelped, something like a shock sparking within him. He had to get Judai away from the other man. At this rate - he could see the perfect sharpness of the silvery knife in the exorcist's hand - Judai would end up injured, or worse. He would injure far more than his pride.

Though he and Judai had sparred mildly, and he'd countered with the stones and their shards, it had never been more than practice. It hadn't quite been play-fighting, but they'd never intended to hurt one another. If ever there was a cut or a strain, they'd stop and rest before coming back to their practice, but this…

At this rate, Judai was going to end up in a serious fight.

From what he knew of clans, their rivalries were serious. Exorcists were territorial; he felt ashamed that he didn't even know the name of that neighbouring clan. He'd not had to concern himself with clan conflicts at all, even as he'd been taught the laws of the clan, and he'd never met other ones than his own; not knowingly.

 _If that exorcist is making a challenge,_ Shou thought, _then he must not be in contact with us either. If we had an alliance, he would know me, or he wouldn't be challenging us._

 _Does he know my brother?_ He thought about calling him out, telling the man he was Ryo's family, before realising that it wouldn't help either. He'd tell his brother about him fighting if he knew him, and if not, their clans would simply oppose each other anyway.

It was a lose-lose situation for him in terms of negotiation. Judai had taken the lead.

"I'll be all right," he heard him say, seeing him turn towards him and gesturing a quick thumbs-up. Looking back at his opponent - _that's right,_ Shou thought, _opponent_ \- Judai called out, beckoning. "I've got all I need now!"

"Are you being honest here?" replied the exorcist, disbelief in his voice. "Because I don't see anything that counts as a weapon. And I'm not going to be nice if you don't back down now."

"Well, I did say it wasn't flashy!"

"Have it your way, then!" Without much warning, the exorcist bolted forward, running towards his target. Judai ran forward to meet him, confident.

Shou was about to shout at Judai, telling him to back away, but got no time to do so; the silver knife had already swiped forward, but Judai swerved. The blade cut through nothing, inches away; Judai turned until he was behind the exorcist's back. In his hands, still held tight, were his stones. Pivoting quickly and recovering, the stranger turned again to cut.

The attack was another miss, but a closer shave than the last time. Still, dodging and darting, Judai avoided every strike the exorcist threw at him, his hands even finding time to alternate between exposure and hiding in the depths of his coat pockets, as if to tease.

On and on they went, attacking and missing, Judai smiling enough for Shou to know he was enjoying the thrill. He couldn't help but shiver at the thought of finding something dangerous fun; but even so, Judai had to be confident.

Looking closer, he could see the stranger, too, wearing a smile.

Judai ducked, avoiding an attack that would have cut his neck, then quickly moved, edging in an elbow to hit his opponent in the side. Wincing, he faltered, giving Judai a window to breathe and make more space between them.

Hitting him physically was an option he'd never considered. Even if clan law told his kind to fight fair, Judai had never gone by those rules.

It was something he envied, deep down - being bound by nothing but his own limitations.

 _He said he'll be all right. I have to trust him_. As much as he didn't want to leave a friend in danger, some part of him told him to let Judai do it himself. It wasn't fear for himself, nor was it laziness; it was his honour, telling him to let him take the fight for himself.

If Judai had been an exorcist, it would be an obvious choice to let him fight alone. He'd heard of clan feuds being solved with one-on-one duels. If this was a challenge, then…

_Clan law forbids clan-on-clan fights to the death. If that's a true inherited weapon he's fighting against, then I think he's going to be safe. Enough to live, at least._

At the same time, he dreaded the idea of injuries and full-blown violence. If neither backed down, it would be inevitable.

_Wait - no!_

He cursed under his breath as he realised it. Sooner or later, Judai would show his true colours. His opponent would see the truth.

Judai wasn't an exorcist, and clan laws meant nothing to him.

Even if he was finding it fun, sooner or later, the fight was going to turn to chaos, and if neither party backed down, there would be blood.

Knowing exorcist pride, and knowing Judai's drive, it would be unavoidable.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'beast/beauty'
> 
> Thanks for all the comments, kudos and encouragement, I love everything I get.
> 
> next chapter: freeze, bitches


	10. ortus/archangelus

**Nine.  
** **_ortus/archangelus_ **

As the edges of blades swiped through the air, silver and white mingling with dark shade, Shou looked on, fearful.

 _I could do something,_ he thought. _I could own up and tell the man in the mask the truth. Judai isn't an exorcist. He got himself into this fight, probably to get me out of trouble._

He hated himself for being so useless. If he'd been good enough to stand on his own, he wouldn't have needed Judai to stand up in his place. He'd not have involved himself with a rival exorcist, and both of them would be safe right now, probably back at Judai's, amongst warmth and comfort and light.

 _I'm a coward,_ he though, and the voice in his mind agreed.

Avoiding yet another strike, Judai sprang to his opponent's side. Finding time for a quick turnaround, he made the most of a gap, pushing into him at full force. It threw him off balance, and before he could get his stance back, Judai was already tilting his head at Shou, flashing him an 'I've got this' wink.

 _I really hope you have._ Helplessly, he looked on.

By the time Judai had turned around again, his enemy had recovered, standing back upright again. His hands rested firm on the handle of the blade, squeezing so tightly it was almost a part of him. Both fighters were beginning to pant lightly, tired out by one another's attacks and evasion, though neither was backing down yet.

"Nice," the masked exorcist commented, "but that won't be enough. Still not got a weapon?"

Judai clenched his fists, his grin growing wider and shoulders tensing. "Maybe I have. Maybe I haven't."

"And yet you're still wandering my clan's streets, acting fearless?" He flicked a stray bang from his forehead, which was beginning to gather sweat. "This is our territory. We fight whoever intrudes on it. Or maybe I should have challenged your friend instead?"

He pointed at Shou with his free hand.

Shou jerked with fear. Had he been caught out? He hadn't known Judai was facing an exorcist until he'd summoned his weapon.

Exorcists had no way of knowing they were near their own kind, let alone their enemies. Judai wasn't an exorcist, but he had probably known who he was dealing with from the beginning. He'd told him that exorcists smelled, and he could detect that scent, from what Shou knew of that vague ability.

_Does that guy smell like me, then? Or of whatever his clan smells like? Are we all the same, or different?_

"Does it matter who he is? I'm the one that you're fighting," Judai beckoned.

"I'm not fighting you if you're only _a human._ "

 _"Only?"_ As if to dispute him, Judai flicked one of the little dark stones up into the air, before catching it again expertly, "You're right, I'm human."

"…I knew it."

"But I can still fight!"

He clenched his right hand back into a fist, squeezing. From his hand, then trailing down one of his sides, down to the ground and around him, small crystal-shards rose up like a small range of mountains. Swinging his arm back, the ridges on his skin and clothes faded, while those on the ground suddenly rose, growing into imposing stalagmites.

Shou saw the exorcist falter, startled. Now Judai had shown his true colours. What his opponent would do, he had no idea.

The grin on Judai's face was unchanged. "I'm a human, all right. Just not the normal kind." He flicked his wrist, and with it, the stalagmites rose and spread, rising from the floor. More erupted upwards, leaving the exorcist on edge as he darted back and forth to avoid being pierced.

 _Don't hurt him,_ Shou thought, _please just don't kill him just because of this._

As one spike fell away, shattering and fading back into the surface of the ground, another would rise. Judai barely needed to move now, only drawing closer now and again to keep within range. He was drawing his opponent into a corner, and knew it; Shou hoped it would render him helpless and lead him to surrender the fight.

The quicker the fight would be over, the better, and if it ended in their favour, better still. They would make a bargain with the exorcist to keep their encounter quiet - from Ryo, especially, and anyone linked to the Marufuji clan - and they would look for other places to practice. It was the simplest way out, and no further problems would come.

He could see the two rivals drawing closer and closer to each other, Judai unable to keep the gap consistent as his opponent sped up. Barely avoiding the strikes, Judai looked as if he was tiring. The attacking exorcist was relentless on him, and Shou could just see a sly smirk beneath the mask concealing the upper half of his face.

He wanted to run. He couldn't do it.

Only a few steps away now, the stranger swung his arm forward, intending for a full-on stab, but missed; Judai had swerved, leaping back. A second and third attempt failed after, Judai keeping his enemy on his toes.

"It's all right! I'll be OK!" As if in response to a question he hadn't managed to say, Judai shouted back at him, trying to reassure him. It didn't work. Intently, Shou watched on, resisting the urge to jump in and stab the mysterious exorcist himself, even if the action would be dishonourable.

Between attacks, the enemy took his breaths, quipping at Judai, as if to slow him with words.

"OK? You're barely managing here," he chimed in, trying to affect Judai enough to finally close the gap. "Worried about him?"

He glanced sideways, Shou jerking upwards in confusion.

"Hey, aren't you meant to be fighting me?" Impatient, Judai replied. The masked exorcist looked on, away from him, focusing on Shou instead.

"Hey?" Judai shouted, but by then, his enemy was no longer paying attention to him.

 _Do something,_ Shou thought, wishing he could transmit his thoughts and knowing he couldn't. The path was clear. Judai's enemy was distracted, and if he went in for the strike now, he was sure he'd have the advantage. At the same time, Judai didn't move, eyes fixed on his rival, who in turn, was now staring at Shou's nervous figure.

"I have a feeling that you're hiding something," the man in the mask beckoned, his voice like honey. "You've been playing with me, right? Well, it wasn't that good a distraction."

"What do you mean?" Judai shouted back. "I've not been trying to - "

A single finger pointed at Shou, singling him out and making his stomach turn with fear. Helplessly, he stared on, knowing he might as well be staring into the barrel of a gun.

"It's him, isn't it? He's the one you're trying to protect. For a reason, right?"

"I - I'm not trying to - "

"Protecting your _boyfriend?"_

Judai's eyes widened. "Hey, he is not my - "

The remark had clearly confused him, startled him even, and he was caught off guard. Judai's rival turned to focus on Shou, running towards the other boy, knowing that he had distracted Judai. Before Shou could move out of the way - and he found that he couldn't, his legs had frozen up with anxiety -

"Ha." There was something playful in the exorcist's voice as he let the laugh slide from between his lips. It was as if something was coiling around him, some kind of pressure he couldn't explain, turning his limbs to stone and making his throat swell. He was losing control of his breaths, and his mind was falling to pieces the longer he stood there, but there was nothing he could do.

A cold, gloved hand grasped his wrist, making him yelp. The exorcist, holding on, whipped around him, moving to stand behind him, the hand holding the knife slipping into position in front of him, just below his chest.

If he so much as breathed too heavily, silver would penetrate his clothes and flesh. He fought the urge to scream, the voice of the exorcist uselessly crying out in his head.

"Don't move, my friend. I don't want to hurt you either."

Shou didn't know if he could believe him. Dread had filled him, and even with glasses, his vision was unclear. All that came from his throat was a series of small gasps.

For a second, the tension in his wrist fell away as gloved fingers uncoiled themselves.

It was momentary.

"What the hell?" Judai cried out, startled.

Shou almost screamed then. Something else had emerged in the exorcist's hands, silver and every bit as lethal as the knife he had threatened him with. His neck stiffened as he tried to look down, horror filling his entire system as he realised what he now held.

In the exorcist's other hand, drawing closer to the veins in Shou's neck, was a second knife, almost identical to the one held just lower. It lacked the bright light of a pseudo-weapon, and as soon as Shou saw the two of them next to each other, he realised.

Both had to be inherited, even if he didn't understand how.

It wasn't possible. He had never heard of an exorcist bearing two weapons.

The edge of the new knife glinted silver, so close to Shou's neck that he could see the intricate carving on its blade; the finest sign of an inherited weapon. Intricately forged, it was an image of a beautiful woman with long hair and voluptuous, exposed breasts, her eyes seducing the knife's holder as if she was alive.

Even if she was beautiful, it was clear that one stroke could be lethal.

"I don't want to cause you pain… but all you need to do is surrender. These are pretty damn dangerous, so I wouldn't move for the sake of _staying alive._ "

His breath hitched in his throat. He didn't want to die. His limbs froze in place, as if turned to stone with fear. The blade was imposing, threatening, ready to cut if needs be. He had to negotiate his way out, even if it meant giving up the fight, even if that exorcist's voice was screaming inside, telling him, _no, you can't give this up, you have to stand up and fight like a clansman…_

"We could do it the easy way. You both surrender this instant, and nothing bad happens."

Shou knew it was the right decision. He had to say it, had to admit he'd been beaten. He had no way of retrieving his weapon, and Judai, with his hand reached out in desperation behind them, was just as helpless as him. Even if he had his stones in his hands, and if Judai could hurt his attacker with his shards, then Shou would be hurt as well.

He could feel warm, unsettling breaths on his neck.

His throat ached. He had to speak. He had to surrender, even if he had done nothing. The guilt was making his head spin.

A harsh creak tore through his ears, leaving his hairs on end. He jerked upwards, narrowly avoiding the edges of two knives. The space between himself and the weapons relaxed as the exorcist's own hands twitched. His hair brushed against the back of Shou's head, uncomfortably so, as he turned around to see what was happening.

Judai remained frozen in place, yet turned to look in the same direction as the masked man threatening Shou. Shou himself dared not move a muscle, though the triangle of faint moonlight that had pooled on the warehouse floor alerted him: someone had entered the place.

 _We've been found out,_ he realised. _We're doomed: him, Judai and I._

From the direction of the sudden light, clear voice rang out.

"All right, _brother,_ drop the act."

Confused, Judai frantically turned. "Who is it?"

Shou stayed frozen, unwilling to let flesh meet silver. The knife was still barely inches from his neck, but close-up, he could see the gloved grip on its handle falter. Whoever the voice's owner was, they had power, even over the strong fighter whom Judai had challenged.

Striding in, the figure's shadow trailed, long and slender on the floor like a carpet. Light skimmed over their shape, slender but confident, long hair spread over both shoulders. Dark jeans hugged the figure's legs, and he could make out a loose sweater draped over their shoulders. The closer they came, the more he could work out, and by the time they had stopped between Judai and himself in the hands of his assailant, Shou was certain he was looking at a girl, most likely around his age, if not older.

The crack in the roof let in a streak of moonlight, and like a spotlight, it singled her out.

"I told you, let go of him. And stop with the drama next time."

With her shoulders back and chest out, there was no questioning her. Shou gasped with relief as the grip around his stomach eased. The hand holding the knife hesitated, staying close still.

"They're not meant to be here."

"I still don't see the point in you trying to kill him."

"It's called threatening!" The masked man replied, sounding more like an irritated teen than the shadowy fighter he had been until moments ago. His hands dropped, knives distancing themselves to Shou's relief, and the steps he hesitantly took back signalled retreat.

Seconds ago, he had looked lethal. Judai couldn't help but let out a giggle.

He was shushed with a single sharp gaze. "Don't even try to."

"Huh? What's with…" Judai fretted as he examined and made out more of the girl's figure, scanning her up and down before pointing straight at her. "Hey, it's you! I saw you today, I swear - "

The girl ignored him, looking on at his masked rival instead. "Come on. You're so damn theatrical."

"They were intruders. I'm keeping them out."

"Yeah, and the mask's a nice touch, Mister _Phantom of the Opera,_ " she chided.

"Asuka - "

"Shut up." She turned back to face Judai, who was looking back just as intently, slack-jawed. "You heard what he said. You're intruders. You shouldn't be hunting here, so get back to your own clan."

Shou sighed with sudden relief with the thought that he was being let off. It was all he had wanted from the start of this chaos.

Judai scowled, clearly thinking the opposite.

"I don't even have one, that doesn't apply to me!" he yelled back. "…All right, he might have one," he added, gesturing at Shou.

For a second, Shou's only thought was _'I hate you'._

The girl - Asuka - turned back to examine Shou, coming closer to address him. Judai stood still, frozen in place as the girl shoved the masked figure - her brother, they knew now - aside. Eyeing Judai sternly, she made her way over to him, her footsteps and the heels of her shoes leaving echoes ringing through the walls. Up close, he could see the strictness in her eyes. He hoped she had mercy, too, as much as she had that clear strength.

"All right. So what were _you_ doing here then? This part of town is the hunting grounds of the Tenjoin clan. On behalf of myself and Fubuki over there," she gave a sideways glance, "I'm telling you to get out of here."

_Tenjoin? And Fubuki - the masked man's name?_

He was sure he'd never heard of the name, though something about it seemed familiar. Perhaps Ryo had mentioned it in passing… Either way, he didn't dare doubt the authority of a genuine clan with an inherited weapon, and, judging from Asuka's lack of a coat, exorcist's blood.

"Well…" He tried to speak up, still shaking slightly. "I… We've kind of been practicing. I swear I didn't know this was your part."

He wasn't lying. He'd never been taught about his own clan's boundaries; he'd always stuck to the area around his own house, and his father and brother had never expected him to need his abilities anyway. He'd only learned to summon his own weapon because of his own desires. It was never something that his family had supported.

"On behalf of what clan?" Asuka demanded.

Shou wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't quite a Marufuji, though he did possess the family name. He was by no means a clansman. He was closer to a nobody than an exorcist worthy of the family's reputation.

He was filled with dread as he realised the consequences. If Asuka knew Ryo, or his father, then… He felt sick at the thought of his family finding out he'd almost gotten himself killed again, worst of all, in a fight with another exorcist.

"I… I can't really say I'm in one…" He murmured. It wasn't far from the truth, in the end. He couldn't muster a better answer.

Asuka tilted her head in uncertainty. "What do you mean?"

The look in her eyes was unavoidable. She was demanding an answer, and even without words Shou found it hard to deny her the words that she wanted to hear.

"I… I'm clanborn." His voice was an odd, shaky mumble. "But I'm not a real clansman."

"I saw you fight, though," she challenged. "I've seen you two around here as well, and not just today. You've got a _pseudo_ , I know that at least."

"That's still nothing. I… I'm not a real clansman, I swear. Believe me, I'm not meant to be fighting," Shou pleaded, praying she would understand him, and not turn him in. "I failed, and I'm not meant to be doing this stuff any more. They said they weren't going to help me the next time."

"Who's ' _they'?"_

"My family," he confessed, feeling his face sear with embarrassment. "I can't help it that I can't do what they can. I've tried, believe me. I don't even know if I'm cut out for this."

It stung, saying those things he'd said he had put aside, but some part of him still believed it all to be true. He'd demonstrated it even now, standing aside idly while Judai took part in a fight that might have been deathly, had Asuka not stepped in in time.

He'd been worse than nothing in that fight; he'd become a dumb hostage under Fubuki's control and in the reach of two knives. Exorcists, he knew, had to fight. He was the opposite of everything an exorcist was meant to be, and nothing but a hindrance to Judai, and to his own rejected birth-clan.

"Hey." Asuka's voice bit into him, soft yet pressing in an odd manner he didn't know whether to fear or spill his heart to. "Hey, I'm not the firstborn either. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing myself."

"Huh?" Shou looked on, surprised. She'd sussed out that he wasn't the eldest child, as if it hadn't been obvious enough, but she was fierce when he was uncertain and frightened, and he felt obliged to listen.

"That asshole," Asuka pointed to a comically offended-looking Fubuki, "is my older brother. And I'm having to shut him up. He's as dumb as exorcists get, and trust me, you don't feel like that sort of person at all."

"Asuriiiin…" A moping voice droned in the background. Asuka groaned at the nickname she had been given.

"I'm not lying," she quipped, looking over her shoulder. "My brother aside, you've got to stand up for yourself. It doesn't matter what your family thinks of you. Hell, they might all be wrong, and you never know. Being right is a subjective thing, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"It means things are never straightforward. It's tough, but you've got to know that." Asuka sighed, flicking her hair over her shoulder. "Though, you know, I do feel bad for you. You're Marufuji, aren't you?"

Shou almost jumped. "What? H-how did you know?"

"I've met your brother."

"B-but how, I mean, how do you - he hates me, I swear -"

"He mentioned you once or twice, but it's not that. Anyone would be anxious with him for a sibling. Besides, you two have the same kind of eyes."

She had to be lying; Shou knew Ryo had the steely eyes of the clansmen, and he had murky-grey eyes like his mother. At the same time, he couldn't deny that Ryo being his kin only made the pressure more intense on him. He'd never asked to be born into the clan, and one son would have been enough to ensure the succession. It made no sense as to why he had been born anyway.

He'd heard his mother was the fourth child in her clan. If that was anything to go by, any child after the first was only asking for trouble.

"Anyway, if it's your skills that you're worried about, I wouldn't fret too much over it. Ryo makes just about anyone fear for themselves."

"But I - "

"Seriously, don't worry. Ryo's skilled, but even he screws up sometimes."

Fubuki butted in. "Yeah, like that closet emo phase he had back in high school he couldn't tell anyone about. He still kinda acts like he's got that stick up his - "

"Shut up," Asuka put her foot down. "Ignore him and his drama queen problems."

Something about the interactions between brother and sister warmed Shou's heart. His brother had never been one for jokes, or even sympathy. All he could remember of Ryo was harshness and his serious face and a series of grunts of frustration.

It was so strange to him, that Fubuki and Asuka could talk like this. Even when the gazes she shot at her brother were silencing, there was nothing so cold about them as there was whenever Ryo looked over at him.

"So," she continued, "I'm not going to do anything to you tonight. My brother might have tried to traumatise you with _Beauty and the Beast_ \- "

"What?" Judai interrupted.

"The knives. One's got a dragon on it, one's got a woman. The dragon's Beauty, and that witch is the Beast."

"Not the other way round?"

"There's a reason for it. _You want to find out first hand?_ "

The look she shot at Judai was sharper than the very knives he had avoided death by. He didn't make any more objections.

"Anyway, he might have been overdramatic, but the point still stands. You're best off staying out of another clan's territory, for future reference. As for ours, ours is fine."

"Wait, what?" Shou asked. "It's fine?"

Asuka shrugged. "Our clans aren't at war with each other, and we know Ryo. We know you're related to him as well, and I have no idea what _his_ problem is," - she shot Judai her stare again, making him jump - "But if he's your friend, he's fine to come here. I'm not going to tell your brother about it."

Shou breathed a sigh of relief, Judai copying him. Both were safe, and neither would have to go home bleeding.

"So that's it? You're letting us waltz off just like that?" Judai scowled. "Without a proper fight or anything? I mean, your brother was actually kind of fun, even if - "

" _You're going to stop with the humour now. All right?_ "

Goosebumps fired up Shou's arms and neck, almost exerting a gasp. The temperature in the building had shot down in an instant. Hesitantly, he turned his head, seeing Judai looking just as uncomfortable. Fubuki, his pride already wasted, was gritting his teeth.

Looking back at Asuka, he fought his knees' urge to collapse and fall in front of her. With faint ice clustering around her cheeks and framing her eyes, her whole form was commanding obedience, icicles illuminating her hair like a brilliant halo.

 _Was this pressure her doing?_ All eyes were on the only one unaffected.

Cold was a rare thing to feel for an exorcist. It was as if ice was digging in to Shou's skin, piercing and squeezing around him, though this was ice he could feel. It was cold, bitter, biting - just like he'd heard it described by everyone else. This was a different kind of cold, far from the usual kind; resonating with Asuka's breaths, it was as filling as life and as penetrating as death, to the bone.

He wanted to scream with the slow seeping of pain, but couldn't.

He barely heard Judai groan. He was struggling to keep his head up, his hands practically bound to his chest.

"All… right… OK?" In that instant, Judai sounded like death.

Shou's ears just managed to register the sound of Asuka sighing, before the freezing grip on him began to loosen. Gently, but far from pleasantly, the paralysing feeling faded out, first from his chest and stomach, then letting him move his head, as the last of the feeling died in his fingers.

He gasped out, relieved at feeling air in his lungs again. Next to him, Judai's choked breaths made him think of a panic attack.

The hellish cold had come in quickly, but had been slower to fade. Asuka looked on at the three others in the darkness she had made her domain, still on their knees, as if bowing to her. There was a calm sort of pride in her gaze.

"Good. We've got that understood, then. I'm sorry about my brother, but I need to head back. Fubuki?"

Fubuki picked himself up obediently. Removing his mask, head down like a fool, he glanced back at Judai and Shou, as if in agreement with his sister.

"But just in case, our clans are at peace. If needs be, call us for help."

"And we're not telling Ryo. OK?" For a second, it was as if Fubuki was back to making odd comments to counter his sister's strictness, but he immediately piped down.

"At least we've got it sorted." Asuka sighed, tugging on his sleeve and forcing him to follow, like a mother pulling a dazed child from a toy store. Not looking back any more, the two turned back towards the doors of the warehouse and left, the battered doors creaking behind them.

It was an unceremonious departure. Shou's muscles still ached with the sinister cold as he forced himself to stand up. He could still see, at least, and he thought himself lucky; the cold had not broken his glasses.

"Well," Judai sighed behind him, leaning onto his shoulder with one lazy arm. "No offence to either of them, but that was seriously a disappointment."

Shou didn't move, not even if Judai leaning on him was a little too close and uncomfortable. Instead, he found himself staring at in the direction in which Asuka and Fubuki had headed, recalling their strength, and their words, in his mind.

They'd come face-to-face with another exorcist clan, and he and Judai were lucky to be alive in the end of it. The Tenjoin had let them go. They were almost willing to consider them friends of a kind.

In that moment, he allowed himself to forget the curse on his own clan.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'rising/archangel'
> 
> We slowly move on. Next two chapters are another two-parter and will conclude Part Two. Advance warning, things get a little darker from here on out.
> 
> So far, so good, and thank you for being there for the ride. Reviews appreciated!
> 
> next chapter: what a bastard


	11. procella/solitudo

**Ten.  
** **_procella/solitudo_ **

Shou found himself making strict promises sometimes, all of them about Judai.

He'd said to himself that he'd stop giving him food, and that he'd stop helping him with his homework assignments, no matter what. The sane, sensible part of him that seemed to command him most of the time had been telling him that he had to stop, time and time again.

At the same time, it was hard to resist. It wasn't difficult putting at least some extra chocolate in his bag, or demonstrating a few mathematical equations. He'd felt it was right, anyway; Judai gave him help after dark, and so, he could pay back those favours in the daytime.

He couldn't deny that some part of him liked seeing Judai happy, even at the small things.

"At least you're honest," Asuka said, stirring her coffee. "Unlike my brother. Any excuse to never pay back a thing. He owes me half his life and his unborn kids by now."

Recalling the near-torture Asuka had briefly inflicted on him, Fubuki and Judai, Shou gave her a nervous glance, before staring into his own cup of tea. Her tone had been too calm for it to have been serious.

Even so, it would not have been too surprising to find out that it was the serious truth.

"Honest's one way of putting it. Hell, I don't think Shou _knows_ how to lie," Judai jested, nudging Shou as he leaned on the table.

Shou furrowed his brows at the comment. "I do! I just don't need to lie."

His stomach turned as he realised what he'd said. He kept secrets from his family, and in spite of all they'd said, he'd carried on trying to be an exorcist. He had never lied to his friends, yet lying to his family was as common as breathing.

"Someday it'll get to you," Asuka said, eyeing him with a knowing look. Shou couldn't help but feel like a punished child whenever she stared. He was growing accustomed to it, no longer trembling in fear whenever she made eye contact with him, but whether he found her gaze comfortable was another issue altogether.

He sighed, thankful that she had not threatened him since their fist meeting. The feeling of actual freezing had bore into him and continued to fill him with dread.

Judai and he had taken to sparring in the alleys in the weeks since the Fubuki-and-Asuka incident. With the Tenjoin exorcists at peace with his own clan and no plans to reveal his disobedience, the territory was almost free for the two of them to use. It wasn't until a month and a half after their first encounter that he met with the siblings again, and by then it was too late.

The two had demanded a small payment in exchange for free use of their territory. To Shou's surprise, the 'payment' had turned out to be nothing more than Asuka meeting them after school and demanding he pay for her coffee.

That had been three weeks ago. Habits were coming out of it. Coffee was becoming a regular thing.

_I could be frozen to death right now, and instead, I'm wondering why nobody else here likes tea._

It had been a little strange, and for Judai, honestly disappointing, but it was a relief in the end.

"Hey, just because you do something bad doesn't mean it's always going to be punished," Judai smirked across the table, nudging Shou by accident and almost spilling his tea. "I know what's right, but you know, you've got to rebel a little."

The wink he gave Shou left him a little unsettled as he recalled his own circumstances.

"And anyway, he's doing the right thing, isn't he? He's being an exorcist, going around killing shadows - "

"Seriously? You're going to talk about this stuff in public?" Leaning against the wall, Asuka had let her shoulders relax in a slump. There was a slight, playful smirk on her face. "Do you actually think nobody's going to realise what you're talking about?"

"Yeah, but does anyone even know about it?" Judai smirked back at her.

Asuka mumbled something; Shou couldn't quite make out what she'd said, but from bits of sound and a slight move of the lips, he concluded that she'd just called Judai a 'sassy bastard'.

"Well, _I know_. And you never know how many people are going to catch on to you." Smirking right back at Judai, she sat down next to him, meeting Judai eye-to-eye with a knowing sort of look. For a moment, he felt as though he was caught in the midst of a stare-down.

"If you think you're so smart, then you should just keep it down. You're only going to get your ass kicked if you show yourself off any more," Asuka continued, confidently, arms crossed again. "You might as well be wearing a giant 'kick me' sign."

Judai rolled his eyes at her. "You're seriously going way over with this."

"I'm just doing the safe thing." She shuffled in her position, leaning in more across the table, so she could make her point to Judai. "You're lucky, you know. My brother's crazy. If I had been in his place, I'd have forced you out without any mercy.."

Still, Judai didn't seem fazed. Shou wanted to tug at his sleeve and tell him to listen for once, but for some reason, he didn't.

Before he could even gather the courage to try and stop him, Judai quipped right back at Asuka. "Why _didn't_ you?"

"Common sense. I kill shadows, not people. I'm an exorcist, not a criminal. Who do you think I am, Jack the Ripper?"

"More like _Jackie..."_

"Shut up..." There was a sharp edge beyond Asuka's playfulness, and Shou felt it - the edge of frustration. His inner conscience nagged at him to grab Judai and get the hell out of the place. He had a terrible feeling. Judai was going to end up in trouble at this rate. He had yet to see Asuka fight… but the thought of another alchemist-exorcist battle sent shivers down his spine.

The last one had been more dangerous than any shadow. Then, he had experienced near-death.

_Rivals first and humans last. That's the last thing we need…_

If Fubuki had almost cornered Judai and left Shou frightened and threatened, then what would his sister be like in combat? The knives Fubuki had held had been inherited weapons. Was Asuka a pseudo-user, or did she have other techniques, like the terrifying freeze she'd unleashed?

The worries were swarming Shou by the second. The conflict had to be ended in peace, no matter what.

"Wait, are you two actually going to…?"

Asuka glanced at him. "Going to _what_?"

"Are you going to fight each other?"

There was silence. Two pairs of eyes stared. Shou suddenly felt smaller than ever as he was stared down. Dread scraped away at his chest. He knew he had said something dumb.

Slowly, Asuka's stern lips shifted into a smile, almost a chuckle under her breath. "Shou. We're in a cafe. We're in public here. We're not going to do anything."

Judai butted in. "Yeah, but _after,_ we could, and you know what, a fight could be kinda intense - "

"If by _'intense'_ you mean 'I want to die'…" Asuka continued, shooting the comment down instantaneously. "Besides, fighting's cool, but it's not quite my thing. I want to focus on the _third degree_."

The comment had not been expected.

Asuka, at first sight, and even after he'd talked to her, did not seem like a third-degree exorcist. Quick reflexes and from her build, probably athleticism, were telltale signs of the first degree, not the third, and he could easily imagine her fighting shadows. She was precise and quick-witted in her speech and most likely technique, and she had practically disarmed three others with no weapon herself - but _the third degree?_

Some part of Shou knew she would be skilled at it, or at whatever she tried her hand at. At the same time, it sent a shiver down his spine.

Most exorcists followed the first degree; the one he knew, killing loose shadows in clan territory. His father followed the second, performing quick, barely-noticeable rituals to shift shadows from the trails of humans whose emotions they sought to prey on.

The second degree was quiet, but helped out the first, giving them more shadows to kill and ridding the anxious and sick of their terrors. Once, his father had fought too, but the weapon was Ryo's now, and his father was - he admitted - most likely past his physical best.

Third-degree exorcism was the most dangerous of all. _True exorcism._ The mere thought of it induced whispers of terror. It was the kind that came with ropes, bound limbs, signs-of-the-cross, screams from the bound, eyes rolling back and the dreadful scent of candle wax in darkened chambers. The strongest of shadows, and even true demons _\- the most terrible of all_ \- could latch on and refuse to let go, possessing humans to the point of insanity and chaos. Exorcism of the third degree was the specialism that was their removal.

Exorcists of the third degree were growing rare. Practicers of the first and second had been doing their job, his father had said once. More sharpened their blades and more blocked with their whispers and hands behind people's backs. Only a few took the third-degree binds for themselves.

In some clans, it would mean separation, disowning, _disinheritance_. Some third degree exorcists denied themselves marriage and children. Some traditions had weathered and changed, but many clans still saw no light in the direction of the third degree.

"You're crazy." Judai's eyes were wide. "You want to go all-out on _that_?"

It seemed that even _he_ knew. Shou wondered how.

_Who's taught him? How much does he really know about exorcists? How much do I not know about alchemists, either?_

Asuka remained unshaken. Her eyes shone with strength, unrelenting. "I want to do that," she said, simply and firmly. "Besides, my brother has the knives, and I'm not going to ask for them."

"Can't you just take one?"

"I could. I have pseudo-weapons as well. But I just want to do _that,_ and that's my plan. As soon as I move out to study, I'm going to find a tutor. Books barely have anything."

"You have _seriously_ got guts." Judai was still a little in awe, even if he tried to mask that. Shou, on the other hand, said nothing, looking away instead.

Guts, other than the literal variety, were the one thing he didn't have.

 _Do I want to be an exorcist?_ He still didn't know. He couldn't deny that it had been horrifying to watch Judai slay, somehow enjoying himself on the precipice of death - and he had been scared, and at the same time, his blood had boiled, too. The ever-present voice in his mind had been yelling at him, telling him to _join the fight_ and to _stop being afraid of things. Stop being afraid, you fool!_

The voice had been growing more constant, but also less bothersome, since the day he'd met Judai. From the time he'd first seen him take down a shadow, even more so; it wasn't as loud as before, which was a relief. It was a more definite presence, however. He felt it as an entity, as a firm part of himself. It was no longer a disembodied echo, but a constant feeling instead - one he felt more secure with, and definitely not as plagued by these days.

_Is something inside me… actually changing?_

As Asuka turned back, sighing and taking a sip from her now-cool coffee, Shou heard Judai make another comment. He didn't hear what it was, but from his childish groan, he knew Asuka had stopped him right in his tracks.

 _Yes,_ he thought, the strange feeling rising the more he thought about it. _It's already changed, hasn't it?_

It was the voice of caution, and not the voice of the exorcist, that had begun to calm. As much as it felt wrong to rebel, it was the thing his heart had wanted in the past; and his instincts agreed. What others had said was one thing, but his own desires another.

_Which was right, and which had been wrong? Am I really an exorcist? Am I lying to myself again?_

_Aren't I the curse of the Marufuji clan?_

Outside, it was already dark. Winter was on the doorstep.

As he looked on, lost in confusion and thought, he did not see the figure in the black coat looking on from outside, standing still in the midst of the mundane crowd.

Running a hand through dull ebony hair, they stared on at the three at the table, and scowled.

* * *

Shou met Judai the following evening, as usual. They hunted on Marufuji grounds this time.

As much as it had been a relief to have a friendly neighbouring clan around them, Shou had decided to change their base of operations. He knew Ryo stalked their territory in the night, as any skilled exorcist did, and he dreaded being found out, but Judai had his scenting skills. From what he'd learned through being with Judai and the Tenjouin siblings, exorcists had no such thing.

If things were ever desperate, Judai would sense Ryo, and the two of them would flee for it.

Being closer to home meant an easier escape, and in Judai's case, less time in the cold. Winter was on the doorstep, with the nights growing longer day by day.

With the longer dark hours came more shadows, stalking after the cold and desperate as they trudged through the streets, cursing with puffs of white breath. It stung him, to see the young and the old with dark trails around their feet. He'd hear the claws scraping against the concrete and see creeping fingers almost tug at coats.

He'd been noticing them more and more as the weeks had gone by. His eyes, even behind glasses, had been picking out more and more details in the darkness. Where he had seen nothing but shade only months earlier, he was now seeing thin lines, small creases, tiny bumps on the surfaces of night-blackened stones.

With his glasses off, he was still seeing nothing. It was no miracle.

No matter what, though, shadows remained the same, twisting and incomprehensible. Only seconds ago one had been flapping its wings, and now the smoulders of a razor-clawed peacock shape lay on the concrete.

Judai stood by his side, looking back and forth at it. "I should be good for a bit…"

Shou had begun to pick up on his friend's mumbling more easily, too. He wasn't sure if his hearing had changed, or if it was simply a being-with-Judai thing.

"Huh?"

Judai flicked his wrist, shaking off any hint of his previous questioning. "I-It's fine, come on."

Beneath the surface, worrying was the one thing Shou couldn't help doing. He knew he worried too much; he had been told that by Misawa more times than he had been able to count.

Shou nodded, letting Judai take the lead. He'd learned to trust his friend's tracking skills, and Judai's nose for shadows had not failed them once.

Together, they went on down almost a labyrinth of small streets, Shou less uncertain than in the weeks and months of the past, though still wary in the search for new shadows. Judai stayed only a few steps ahead at most, letting him catch up, throwing the odd confident smile his way in a kind of reassurance.

Even if Judai was reckless and, Shou admitted, too chaotic for his own good, there was no denying that his presence left him strangely calm. Under starlight and lamplight, in a dark city filled with the unknown, he felt far less fear with his friend in his field of view and by his side.

He did not realise how shamefully full his thoughts were of Judai until his face met Judai's shoulder in a soft, sudden collision.

Judai had stopped in the middle of the street, not far from the turn of a corner, strangely tense. He wasn't looking back, as he usually did; instead, as Shou backed away quickly, he barely moved a muscle. What had transfixed him, Shou didn't know, but something about it terrified him. Judai rarely ever stood still.

It took courage to make the first move for once, as Shou whispered, on edge himself. "What's going on?"

His friend looked on, wide-eyes and jaw just slack with uncertainty. The lamplight illuminating his fingertips was almost spotlighting the tension; Judai's fingers were trembling. For what seemed like too long to be normal, there was nothing coming from Judai but the erratic rhythm of strange, half-heavy and half-anxious breaths.

When Judai finally spoke up, it was little more than a whisper. "Company. There's someone around."

Company had not been a good thing the last time; had the Tenjoin not been friendly, then circumstances would have been much worse for both of them. Shou's own hands began to tremble, recalling the fear he'd been rendered powerless by as Judai had gone head-to-head with an exorcist.

"W-wait, is there someone?" Shou stammered, unable to stop the torrent of worry that was biting at him. "Another exorcist? We're on Marufuji grounds! Asuka, Fubuki?" Dread pooling in his stomach, he added, "Ryo?"

_Please not him, please not my brother, anything but him…_

"No. It's not them." Judai replied, his voice lower than usual, and disturbingly quiet.

"Then… what is it? Can you smell anything? Do you feel something?"

_"I have no idea what I'm feeling right now."_

In that moment, Shou realised he had never felt more empty. If Judai didn't know what he was feeling, then who was there to count on? Would anyone help him if there was trouble coming their way? Something was terribly wrong about the situation, all of it; from Judai tensing up to being uncertain to Shou feeling as useless as the last time he'd been immobilised at the thought of coming face to face with the unknown -

The light shining behind flickered momentarily. Then, there were steps in the dark.

Some figure had stepped out from the corner. Unfaltering, as if fearing nothing, the stranger strode out, stopping until they were eye-to-eye with Judai, only a few metres between them.

There was silence; Shou heard cars in the distance and felt the wind howl in his ears.

"Hey." Judai called out. "Hey, what are you doing here? Who are you?"

The stranger - a boy of his age, Shou thought, maybe older - said nothing. Dark eyes - Shou could make them out - were fixed exactly on Judai, unmoving.

Judai waved his hand. "Hey, are you even gonna -"

"Of course I'm going to do something. Don't just stand there." The boy spoke, his voice bitter with some kind of resentment. There was a heaviness in his tone that Shou couldn't place, nor guess at the reason for why it was there.

"I'm not 'just standing there', it's you who's staring at me!" Judai yelled back, not quite irritated. "What are you doing here?"

The boy sighed, as if frustrated already at no apparent cause. "I'm here to find out something."

"Find out what?" Judai's knees tensed, shoulders braced as if preparing to fight. Shou fought the urge to run up and pull him away. "You haven't even said who you are!"

"Manjoume."

"Huh?" Judai called, having heard nothing but a dry mumble.

"Jun Manjoume. That's my name. And don't forget it," the boy in the coat borderline _spat,_ looking away as if disgusted by what he was seeing.

"Manjoume?" Judai repeated. "Some kind of exorcist clan?"

Manjoume said nothing.

Shou looked on, silent and uncertain. He'd not heard of the Manjoume clan, but suspected that Judai was right. Since the encounter with the Tenjoin siblings, he'd been more uncertain than ever, cautious about other exorcists lurking around. He dared not step out of what he knew was either his own clan's boundary, or that of the Tenjoin when they permitted.

As far as he knew, they were on Marufuji grounds. Manjoume was the intruder here, regardless of his intentions. He wondered if Ryo had encountered him before, and if he'd ever had to chase Manjoume out.

"…That's right." There was clear resentment at _something_ in Manjoume's voice, mixed with an indescribable pride. Whatever the reason for that feeling, Shou had no idea. "I'm just like you people. I have that power, whether I want it or not."

"Hey, who are you talking about? _'You people'?_ Which one of us? You haven't even asked us anything…" Judai quipped, smiling confidently. He pointed, as if to undermine Manjoume's logic; Shou was familiar with it. Manjoume had fallen into the trap of thinking Judai was an exorcist, just as Fubuki had months ago.

"I don't need to ask you. I already know about _him_ , and _you_ stink of shadows. Just like I do."

_What?_

Shou turned to Judai, eyes wide with confusion. What was Manjoume saying? Judai wasn't a shadow, but an alchemist.

_You smell like an exorcist._

He found himself recalling Judai's claim from their very first meeting. Exorcists smelled. If Manjoume really wasn't lying, then it made sense; Judai killed shadows, and it made sense for the smells to have mixed. Judai was a fighter for the good side, and he'd seen him kill shadows with the strange stones he always had in his hands - that had to be the answer, and Manjoume had just caught wind of the scent of his prey…

He realised too late that he had never caught any scents as an exorcist.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Judai shouted back into the darkness. "What do you mean? What are you?"

Manjoume strode over, a hand running through his hair lazily. The slyness in his eyes became clearer the closer he came to the two of them, pale skin almost vampiric in the light of the moon.

"It means," he murmured, smirking confidently, knowing that he was right, "that we have similarities."

"Similarities? Aren't you an exorcist?" Judai looked hectic, uncertain for once. His gaze flicked back and forth, from Manjoume to Shou, seeing the beginnings of doubt on his friend's face, then back to Manjoume again. He tried to hide his shivers, but failed.

Manjoume stopped only a few steps away. One hand had reached into his coat pocket, fingers reaching for something. Shou swallowed, anxious.

As Manjoume held out his hand, certainty failed and broke into pieces on the floor.

"This kind."

In the centre of his outstretched, unfaltering palm was a small, purple-black stone.

Even where there wasn't much light, there was no doubting it. His mind was filled with memories of all of the times he'd seen Judai fight in the dark. He'd fought with stones of all kinds in his hands, new and worn out with time, the odd one looking freshly cut and expertly polished, and ones so deeply cracked that they seemed to break apart in his hands.

The stone in his hand wasn't large, only as large as an egg cut in half. Whatever had caused his vision to improve by night, he both hated and was grateful for, all at once, as he made out the telltale shifting colours in its depths; purples and blues and a weird swirl of green…

"You stink of shadows, and so do I. We're just like them too; we stand against exorcists, and now look at us. We both happened to meet in the dark." Manjoume stated, taking the stone back closer to him.

_Stand against us?_

Shou couldn't deny that he knew little about Judai's true powers; war alchemy was as strange a concept to him as it had been at the start, with how little Judai had said. At the same time, it was Judai that had known so much about him, knowing he had the blood of exorcist, and if it was anything to go by, the scent of one too…

 _Stand against. Just like shadows._ Shou felt something in his chest seize. Slowly, Judai turned around, and Shou prayed, deep down, that he was not looking into the eyes of someone who had tricked him.

It couldn't be true. Judai was a friend.

The moment their eyes met, he saw Judai tremble.

"Is… is that true?" Shou whispered. "Are you… _like shadows?"_

In the darkness, Judai's eyes shone with terror. Whatever his answer was, Shou knew he would be hearing it from the mouth of someone who had deceived him.

"He's… kind of right. The _shadowstones._ They're called that." Judai's voice shook as he let the words fall, terribly bitter. "We get them from shadows. _After they're dead."_

 _It wasn't right. It couldn't be._ But it had to be right, Shou knew.

There was nothing that made it a lie.

 _I should be good for a bit…_ Judai had said it to himself, only minutes ago, looking backwards and forwards at a smouldering shadow. He'd been staring at it, too, just before it had died; something in his eyes, the more Shou thought about it, had made him think of more than just a hunter looking to kill his prey.

Memories resurfaced of what he'd seen at the start. He'd first seen Judai fight and kill a shadow with his stones in his hands, and then he'd approached it. He really had seen something strange in the aftermath; he'd thought it was just caution when Judai had come up to the shadow as it smouldered away, but he'd kneeled too, as if to touch…

Had he taken something from it? Had he been doing something with it? It was beginning to make sense in a way, and at the same time, it spurned more and more questions.

The look of alarm on Shou's face had left Judai nervous, as he minced his words trying to explain.

"We're not evil, honest! We're not like them! We don't - we don't have anything to do with them, we're just using what they have - we're not in league with them!" He yelped out in panic, shaking his hands in a failing attempt to calm the sitation.

At the same time, Shou didn't know what to say back. Judai hadn't quite lied, but he hadn't told him the truth at the start. As much as he'd sworn to trust Judai before, something about it made him sick, his stomach turning the more he thought about it. Why hadn't he said? Was he lying now, just like he'd not said the truth in the past? Why had he concealed it?

If Judai really had no evil to hide, then why had he kept the truth away from him?

Manjoume looked on behind them, his confident smile growing as he stood in the corner, almost as if he was leeching off from the dark.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'storm/solitude'
> 
> Please leave a comment/kudos/whatever - every little thing helps me feel extra inspired.
> 
> next chapter: i think the bass just dropped


	12. saevitia/conligatio

**Eleven.  
** **_saevitia/conligatio_ **

"Shou, trust me!"

Shou couldn't let himself do it. The proof was there in front of him, in Manjoume's hands. The closer he looked, the harder it was to deny the connection. The stones had the same dark, flowing luster that he'd seen so many times in the limbs of shadows. He'd seen Judai reach out to shadows, too, as they'd smouldered and faded away; what he'd been reaching for had to have been something to do with those stones. The stones were linked to the shadows.

They were most likely a part of them, and Judai had kept the truth from him. It made no sense - if he really had nothing to hide, then… why?

Had the secret behind them really been dangerous enough for him to not tell him?

He could see the desperation in Judai's eyes as he heard him beg. Some part of him knew it to be genuine, like all the times they had spent together as friends; he had been sure that Judai never lied. With his friendship, he had given Judai all of his trust.

He had abused it. There was something sinister about things as they were.

It took more than just effort to force out his words. "Why… why didn't you tell me?"

It hurt, hurt worse than a bruise or a cut, burning through his chest like a feeling of shame. It was just like all of the times he'd been shamed by his family, rendered powerless by Ryo, left a useless, worthless being and burden on the clan by the words of his father. All along, he'd wanted a friend who could understand him and help him, and Judai really had been that, but at the same time, Judai had been a liar…

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to alarm you." What shone in Judai's eyes at that moment was more than just pleading. He wanted to believe it, too, as he felt his heart squeeze with some kind of sickness.

"You could at least have said." He said it out loud, harsher than he'd intended, but the words that came were relentless. "You could have trusted me. I trusted you, Judai."

He fought back tears, knowing he couldn't let them spill. He wasn't going to be scared. He had to be brave.

"I thought you were a friend."

Judai's hands began to shake. His shoulders tensed up as his breaths grew harsher, desperately torn between comforting Shou and, as his head turned back, making Manjoume, the one who had led to this moment, swallow his pride.

Shou stood there alone, stepping back as soon as he dared to try and look back at him. Manjoume looked on, tapping his foot.

"Well, seems like you broke his _poor little heart._ "

Judai clenched his fists, instincts gripping on tight to his conscience. "Don't say that."

"Look who's talking. You can't even be trusted, can you? Look at him now."

_"Stop it."_

"This is why I went to the same side as you. All exorcists are nothing but scum -"

"Don't you dare say that!" Something within Judai snapped at that moment, and his hands dove into his pockets. _"Don't say that about him!"_

Looking up, hearing the shout piercing through him, Shou's eyes widened, realising what was about to happen. He'd never heard something so raw in Judai's voice; in their months of odd friendship, he had never once heard him so angry.

"Don't say that about _anyone!_ " Judai's voice had grown into a scream, his eyes wild and desperate. It was as if he had stopped caring if anyone heard, or anyone saw; his gaze was fixed on Manjoume and Manjoume alone. Violet haze was beginning to form around his knuckles, seeping from the stones in his hands. "And if you're going to be so proud about that, then why don't you fight me?"

"Hm." Manjoume grunted, evidently unimpressed. He took back his own dark stone, clutching it tight in his fist. "If you think you're so tough. But I'll say one thing to you now… I don't do things half-heartedly."

As if by reflex, Shou backed away. He dreaded knowing he was of no use in a battle, but the fight was Judai's to deal with. He had challenged Manjoume. He had put his pride on the line.

He'd learned, years ago, never to interfere in a fight between two individuals. It was an unwritten exorcist rule, and one from ordinary human life too; he'd gained more than his fair share of bruises long before high school, and those had all come from being out of place in the schoolyard. Children could be brutal, and Judai was scaring him now with his anger.

It was a childish expression. Judai never backed down from anything.

There was no announcement, nor gesture. The fight began without ceremony, only Judai's trademark flick of the wrist and the toss of a stone in the air. It glimmered, just for a second - then, just as it touched the tips of his fingers, stalagmites began to grow and almost erupt.

Spikes of dark violet rose up from the ground, forcing Manjoume back; they disappeared without a trace just as quickly, and rose up again, almost encircling him. It was unlike Judai to begin the attacks, and Shou couldn't help but find it strange.

The more he looked at it, the more unsettled he felt. His stomach began to turn.

Something wasn't quite right about all of this.

Manjoume reacted just as quickly, running from the pursuit of the spikes and avoiding each one; he did not break a sweat as he dodged, instead forcing Judai to turn around to keep his eyes on him. Judai was forced to stay almost in one place, unable to keep up; Manjoume's body was almost a blur in what was already all-encompassing darkness.

Shou's eyes remained fixed on the sight of it. He could make out Manjoume's position and stance as if he was out in the daytime, but what Judai could see, he couldn't tell. His sight sharpening meant he no longer saw the same things as the average human. Judai being an alchemist, one with the power to scent out both exorcists and shadows, only served to make him even more unpredictable.

Why Manjoume was doing nothing was something he wasn't sure of, either, but something about the sight of this battle gave him only discomfort.

Judai, having no choice but to break the pattern both had fallen into, forced himself into movement. He darted to one side, mirroring Manjoume's position as he had done at the start, keeping his distance. He had learned that his opponent was fast, and far more agile than he'd expected. Manjoume had the body of a human, but Judai's movements were beginning to slow.

This was no simple fight against a slow, reckless shadow. This was merciless; unlike the fight with Fubuki Tenjoin, Manjoume was in no way theatrical. Every move was precise, as if calculated in seconds. Whatever Judai threw at him - shards, sharp edges, piercing spikes growing from the walls and the ground, Manjoume did not let it make a single mark on himself.

As Judai stopped for a second to breathe, clutching the stones in both hands, Shou glimpsed an odd shake in his shoulders.

Manjoume saw it too, even just for an instant.

In a sudden crash of shard-against-shard, another stone was held out, and two sets of crystalline stalagmites collided.

More and more began to rise from the floor, leaving nothing as they faded but for another rising spike only inches away. Judai gasped, having to leap to avoid being pierced as they came from below, this time not from his influence.

The stone he'd held out with such pride was back in Manjoume's hand, its holder constantly moving to avoid even a single strike back. Judai had no choice, reaching out as if to command, more glass-like shards forming around him and growing to reach for Manjoume, even if just to prick, but missing. Manjoume's own shards - Shou understood now, the stones and the shards were inextricably linked - fought back, just as sharp, the force at which they burst out breaking Judai's own, forcing them to fade out and leaving Judai with less and less to defend himself with by the second.

Judai bent down for a second, catching his breath. Shou was sure he still had the stones in his hands; he saw him clutching them tighter again. Then, in a moment of desperation, Judai threw himself forward and lunged.

Almost falling at Manjoume, his hands reached for Manjoume's wrists. Gritting his teeth, letting out almost a growl, Manjoume kicked out, hitting Judai's shin. Judai shook with pain, letting out a small shout, but refused to back away.

For a moment, it was do-or-die; he reached out again and pressed Manjoume back against the wall they were nearest to; his palms and the dark stones that were still there, now sticky with sweat, plastered to Manjoume's wrists. Manjoume's arms were forced up, as if in a sheepish surrender.

Their faces were only inches apart. Shou winced as he saw Judai press his hands in harder, the stones - even in stone form, without any spikes around them - digging into pale skin. Under the pale, flickering light of a nearby lamp, both fighters looked drained; it was then that Shou saw something glistening on both Judai's cheek and one of Manjoume's palms.

There was blood.

None was coming from Manjoume's wrists, but if he moved even an inch, and Judai did not hesitate to use the stones that were so firmly pressed down…

 _No,_ Shou shook his head. _This is Judai. Even if he lied to me, this is only a threat. He would never harm anyone; only the shadows. Manjoume is human…_

"I've won," Judai gasped out, his breaths still not back to normal. Sweat shone on his forehead. "Give it up now. I'm not here to kill you. You _are_ just like me."

The distance between Judai and Manjoume was filled with nothing but silence and breaths for a second. Manjoume's gasp grew back into a scowl.

"You don't understand things… _God damn you_ …." Manjoume cursed under his breath, shifting with more-than-clear discomfort at having an enemy so close to him.

Something in Shou's chest squeezed upon realising how close the two of them were. Something began to claw gently at him, deep in his chest, though it was fast pushed out of his thoughts by Manjoume's voice.

"You don't understand me. You don't know anything."

"What do you mean?" Judai asked, his voice low with slight anger.

"You don't know what it means to suffer. You don't know why I turned to _this._ "

It took a few seconds, a few straining breaths, before Judai replied to him. "You said you're an exorcist. But you're using war alchemy."

Shou had never heard of anything like it. He'd never known of war alchemy before Judai had shown it to him. The thought of what he had witnessed - an exorcist using alchemy - was borderline unbelievable.

Manjoume. _An exorcist clan?_ He himself had admitted it. It was not one that Shou had heard of.

"You could have backed out of this, couldn't you?" Manjoume snarled. "You didn't have to learn to kill shadows. For me, it was _kill-or-be-killed!_ "

It was as he said it that Manjoume pushed himself from the wall, catching Judai off-guard and letting his knee meet his chest in a violent shove. Shou gasped as he heard Judai fall back, the wind knocked out of him and mouth left open in a silent scream, and it was then that Manjoume pushed him back down, onto the ground.

Judai's stones fell to the floor, slipping far out of reach.

"You try being me." Manjoume's smile was almost sadistic, distorted under the odd light, his face lit up like something out of a nightmare. "You try being the third child of an exorcist clan. You try being the family's _dog_ for a second."

Shou almost screamed in place of Judai as Manjoume's boot met Judai's side. There was a gasp and a splutter. The lies, the deceit, everything left unsaid; all was pushed aside in his mind in that instant as a bitter tang rose in the back of his throat, and he forced himself to swallow it down.

_My mother was the fourth in her clan…_

"You try having two brothers who don't give a shit for the clan!"

Another kick in the side. Judai had managed to shift, coughing violently, and the few inches had saved him; Manjoume's foot barely grazed him, but the groan Judai let out was more than an alarm in Shou's head.

_He's in pain; it's my fault, it's this curse causing all of this pain, not just to us but to people around me…_

"You try being told your clan's calling is worthless, then being sent to do it all yourself!"

Judai rolled to one side again, narrowly avoiding another kick. His voice was a gasp. "Manjoume…"

"You try being told the clan's fate rests on your shoulders, when you don't even get given the family weapon!"

_Not even a pseudo?_

No, Shou realised, it was more than an issue of pride. What Shou felt for his father and brother was not resentment, but something more complicated. Manjoume was different. From the spit of his tone to the rough rawness in his words, it was clear that their cases were different. Manjoume hated his family, and the blood that had made him an exorcist, and he'd taken the stones for himself in opposition.

_We oppose exorcists._

He recalled Manjoume's words in his mind. Manjoume had somehow learned war alchemy, and that was how he fought back.

"It's the law of the jungle, isn't it? _For fuck's sake, stop moving!"_

Judai had regained some of his energy, it seemed, though pain was still hindering him. Shou could see the unusual sluggishness, even in small, quick-looking moves; his side probably hurt, though he couldn't see enough of Judai to check for open wounds.

The confrontation had grown into a full-blown fight, one that left Shou frightened and Judai weak, forced to the ground and unarmed, being beaten, with his stones out of reach.

In his head, Shou found it hard to focus on anything other than the voice of the exorcist. It was screaming, both to fight and to run for it; because Manjoume was no shadow and therefore not a true enemy; there would be pointless blood on the ground and more pain than needed if something was not done quickly enough…

_Stop this, stop it now!_

"Stop it!" In his hands, almost before he'd even started to think, white fire began to shift, but it was too late. Shou's thoughts were fixed on Judai, and Judai alone, and Manjoume -

_Go for it, now, stop this, end it all now!_

He did not know what had happened to him in the instant that he decided to run, pushing straight into Manjoume, startling him enough to drop his own pair of stones.

He'd not felt a body against his in a long time; never had he felt one more cold and tense with raw fury.

As soon as Manjoume was down, slammed down against a pile of hard trash, Shou could afford to look back. In the corner of his eye, he saw Judai sit up, gently moving to stand. His limbs were shaking, and he was gasping, as he tried to fight back against pain. Slowly, he eased himself into a stand, his breaths still shaky and hands sore after being pressed to the ground.

There was nothing in him that indicated surrender.

It was something Shou had to take into his own hands to end.

Manjoume, in the corner, could not stay down for long. Shou knew he was far smaller than him. He had to act before Manjoume returned to his senses. Deep down, he hoped the impact, especially on his head, had not been too great.

He'd had enough of this fight. Somehow, it had to be ended.

His hand clamped around Judai's wrist. He felt Judai try to resist, his wrist writhing uncomfortably, but he held on. He had to stop this chaos, even if it meant challenging Manjoume - _or him._

"Stop it," he cried. "You've got to stop this. You'll kill each other at this rate! _You'll kill him!"_ He shouted it at both of them; the one who he knew was an enemy, and the one he had called his friend.

Even if the boy he was holding on to was just another servant of the dark; even if he had concealed the truth from him and even if he really did want to hurt Manjoume for reasons other than pride, he couldn't deny his own morals. He had to get him out, no matter what, even if it meant putting himself on the line. Judai was going too far, and he had no idea where Manjoume was going at all.

Judai turned to face him, still panting with fatigue. Blood glistened on his cheek, the cut continuing to spurt. His breaths were heavy, desperate; in his eyes was a storm.

It hurt to see him like this. Shou felt his insides twist with horror. He was probably hurting Judai, but he couldn't let go of him. Only metres away, Manjoume was beginning to sit up again, almost screaming with breaths. His clothes were too dark, even for an exorcist's eyes, but Shou was sure they were stained with filth and blood.

The stones lay somewhere on the ground, out of reach.

Judai gritted his teeth at him, shaking under his grip. The only sound that came from him, between breaths, was something akin to a growl. The look in his eyes bordered on _feral._

The thought that Judai was falling to the same _madness_ almost made Shou's heart stop.

His friend was falling into the same snare; like Manjoume, he was losing himself. Slowly, the darkness, whether from the fighting or the influence of shadows hidden in the stones that they'd held; something was seeping into him.

 _Even if I questioned you before, you have to believe me,_ Shou pleaded within. _How do I stop this? How do I help you? I'm sorry I doubted you. I have to help somehow…_

The old voice in his head, the voice of the exorcist, called at him, telling him to join the fight. At the same time, the voice of reason - the pacifist, the peacekeeper - denied it, throwing images of violence and chaos into Shou's mind.

If he stepped in, then… would that mean putting Manjoume down? _And Judai? Both of them? How?_ In the tumult of emotions, he knew he was lost. He knew he couldn't be strong enough to take down both a corrupted exorcist and an unpredictable alchemist; not without being torn to pieces himself.

He held on tighter, not caring if he left marks. For a moment, he dug in his nails, then panic made him loosen his grip. He was hurting Judai - he couldn't bear to cause him pain, he didn't want to see him bleed…

In his uncertainty, his hand slipped from Judai's wrist.

Immediately, Judai pulled away, reaching down again in an instant to get back his stones. Shou darted forward at him, trying to reach for him once again, in the hope that holding him down long enough would help him come back to his senses.

His hand was there, ready to reach for Judai's wrist again, even if it killed him. He reached, and it was at that moment that Judai moved forward.

Shou wasn't fast enough to clamp at his wrist again. His hand moved, too late to be stopped, to the same place and instead, clasped Judai's hand.

Judai froze.

For a moment, as Shou blindly held on, his breaths almost stopped. He was still caught up in fear and panic, and at the same time, he could no longer hear the cries of the voice in his head. The fire in his veins seemed to cool in an instant.

Beneath his hold, he felt Judai's hand grow limp, his own pulse slowing with a bizarre calmness. His shoulders slumped, tension easing, as if some terrible pressure on him had been relieved. His eyes remained fixed on Manjoume, who had gotten up from the floor, new shards beginning to slowly rise up behind him.

Shou couldn't concentrate on him. His focus drifted to his own strange state. Like a bind between himself and Judai, his hand remained fixed, yet not tight enough to hurt. Something was there, some feeling he couldn't define. Shifting around, and yet not letting go, his hand settled on a comfortable position with Judai's own hand, their fingers lacing together with an inexplicable urge.

Some force, warm and intense like the white fire he used to forge his pseudo-weapon, was linking him to Judai, far stronger than just his hand on Judai's own.

He tried to say something, but found himself unable to.

Something stormed through his mind; thoughts that were and weren't his own, all at once. As soon as he tried to make sense of one word, it slipped out of focus and another cascaded. The rush was too fast; he couldn't understand what a single one meant.

_Support. Help me. Be my guide. My friend._

_What, who, where?_

_Something's in you and something's in me. I don't understand it. It's there. I have to._

_I don't understand either -_

_I see it! Take it! It's ours!_

_What's happened -_

_Give it to me!_

Amongst the drones and the chaos, something stuck. It came from himself; from the voice of the exorcist, beating down in an odd harmony with Judai's voice and the faint hum in his ears.

_One. We're one -_

The world had slowed down, and at the same time, sped up. It had repainted itself, and there were new colours. He could feel more than breaths now; what he could feel was a heartbeat, a force rushing through his entire being, something distorting and refocusing, his view sharpened and everything strangely brightened. Every small detail around him was stark.

Judai's grip slipped from his hand. There was a strange rush as their fingers parted, Shou's odd vision flickering for a second like television static before the wild rush of colour and detail quickly resumed itself.

As he felt nothing but air on his fingertips, Shou couldn't help but feel horribly empty.

There was silence in the cold stillness. Knees unstable from the shock he'd received, he fell to his knees. It didn't hurt.

A pair of eyes opened wide. One deep breath resonated through Shou's lungs.

Judai moved his arm to the side.

Manjoume _screamed._

His efforts to stand had been wasted. Gritting his teeth, he cried out again as he fell to the floor. Wincing - his face having hit concrete - he looked on, his face a mixture of pain and anger and confusion. Two sets of eyes - or was it one? - met his, expressions unchanged through the storm of angered shouts.

"What did - what the hell, what did you…?"

As he shifted on the floor, Shou - still on his knees, practically paralysed - himself gasped, but not in pain. His eyes caught what had caused Manjoume to fall, and the source of his pain. It was something he didn't want to believe.

Around his wrists, and wrapped tightly around his ankles, were silver-white chains.

_Ryo?_

His brother had to be somewhere, that had to be it. There was no other explanation. The links were perfectly forged out of light, each one precisely made and exact. It had to be Ryo - it couldn't be anyone else.

He'd been chained before; he had been shamed. He'd known the sting of them, the pain of having destructive light burning at his wrists and almost through his clothes.

 _Where are you?_ At least he had been found peacefully, and he hadn't been injured. He'd been shamed enough to tolerate one more day of humiliation.

"Judai - what the hell…" Manjoume's grunt destroyed the entire thought at once.

_Judai._

Ryo had said he would no longer help him.

_Judai?_

Slowly, he turned his head. Judai was standing there, his hand out still and his other fist clenched. His expression was blank and his eyes were doing nothing but staring straight at Manjoume - whom _he_ had somehow bound.

_With chains. Ryo's chains. The Marufuji clan's chains. Light, the mark of an exorcist. All along, Judai had been using shadowstones, from shadows…_

His head was rushing still. It hurt to keep his eyes open.

Nothing made sense.

Something suddenly snapped in the back of Shou's head. Dizziness stormed through him. Darkness flashed, odd static blaring like flashes of thunder in his eyes, the colours he'd seen flickering and making something in his head pound. He clenched his eyes shut, shaking his head as much as he could bear to move it, trying to ride out the torrent of pain.

There was one more flash, this time white, as if an old screen was switched off. The burst ended. Shou gasped, his eyes forced to open again.

He could still hear Judai panting strangely, though not in the way he'd heard it only moments ago. His arms felt stiff; too stiff for Shou to even move them to rub his eyes, but his glasses were still there, and the flashes were no longer there. All he could see around him was the dark of the street, as he'd been able to see it earlier.

There was nothing out of the ordinary there. Manjoume was there, too, shaking but lifting himself up to one knee. In the dark, with the vision he'd had before the flickering and the strange flow-like sensation, he could still make out something red on his hands.

The chains he'd seen binding Manjoume had disappeared.

He couldn't hear the words Manjoume was saying; he saw his lips move, though Shou could tell nothing else. His hearing was fuzzy and his head spun still. Manjoume's scowl was all he would get from him. It was one of wounded pride and aching limbs.

Through the struggle of it, Manjoume stood up, unsteady still on his feet. The last look Shou saw him give, before he turned and escaped into the night, was one of horror and dreadful, empty silence.

As he turned back to his side, the muscles in his neck and back only just beginning to unfreeze, he was met with the same sight as before; his close friend, the liar and keeper of secrets.

Judai stood there, gazing at nothing, his whole body shaking.

It took effort to speak. Shou's throat was strangely parched.

"Are you… OK?" he asked, voice hoarse. Judai looked as if he was about to drop to the ground with exhaustion, or panic, or both at once.

The sight of him made something ache within him, even if his limbs were still sore in their state. The effects of whatever had happened were slowly, just gently, beginning to ebb away.

Judai gasped louder, immediately stepping back. His eyes were wide, breaths loud with terror. "Don't…"

It was an instinct to apologise, even if he didn't know what for. "Don't what? I'm sorry - "

"Don't come close. I don't want to do _that_ again… Don't let it - "

"Do what? Judai, what's - "

"Just don't touch me, not now… God…" Judai winced in pain, stammering, as he fell to his knees. He clutched at his head, eyes squeezed tight as if being hit by a migraine. "God, it _hurts_ … _argh…_ "

Shou could say nothing; he knew nothing. He could only stay by his friend's side as his own thoughts took a turn for the strange.

He could still hear that distorted word playing over and over, even if the strange feeling was leaving. Like a broken record, he heard the voice - Judai's voice, and his own, too - over and over again in his mind.

The more he heard it, the less it made sense.

_Support. Support._

_What does that mean?_

As he watched Judai groan with inexplicable pain, he refocused, on different words this time.

 _We are one, we are one;_ it went on. _We are one! We are one!_

Beside him, Judai let out a wordless cry.

_We are one!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'brutality/connection'
> 
> Advance warning: Parts 3 and 4 will be darker than before. I don't want to give anything away, but there will be some sensitive themes. You have been warned.
> 
> next chapter: explain this please


	13. iter/scientia

**Twelve.  
** **_iter/scientia_ **

There was silence. White breaths swirled in the thick of early January haze.

There had been talk of snow the previous night. None had fallen. Only frost had glued itself to the railings. Grass was tipped white. In the distance, an old woman cursed the cold for daring to ruin her plants.

Shou couldn't stop himself looking around in wonder. The roads were unfamiliar here. He had woken up and fallen asleep on the train again, and barely been awoken by Judai at the right station. Here, he knew nothing. Turning his head in all directions, he tried to take in whatever he could process, even if he still wasn't fully awake yet.

Judai led the way.

Here, it was quiet enough to hear the odd bird sing. The city, unfazed by the cold, had livened up with the usual bustle. The busier streets had been filled with strangers wrapped in coats, their noses burrowed into thick scarves. Feet trudged in their boots.

Judai had resorted to his thickest coat, and was still uncomfortably shivering. Shou thought of lending him his own, but decided against it. Even if he had no use for it, he didn't want to stand out without one.

Standing out scared him more than not feeling himself freeze. The frostbite was one thing, humiliation another. His heart fretted whenever he thought of being alone; lonelier than he had felt with his friend's new behaviour.

The Manjoume incident had changed everything. Whenever he'd tried to come close, Judai would look down and shuffle away; whenever he'd tried to help him with homework, he'd almost jump if Shou tried to turn the page of his textbook for him. They'd continued their meeting up in the evenings as before, but even then, Judai had only guided him to the nearest shadows. As soon as Shou suggested having a one-on-one practice, he would make excuses and move away.

Shou could feel something eat away at him with every excuse; every bit of distance, every small lie. Judai was not perfectly happy. The truth could not be further.

His wounds had apparently healed, even the bruising on his side where Manjoume had kicked him. Even when Shou had been uncertain, it hadn't taken long to prove; Judai had lifted his shirt to confirm it after seeing him worry. Things looked to be improving, at least physically. On the outside, Judai smiled the same way.

Shou had been relieved, and they'd carried with some practices, but in the way he'd moved his hands and in the way he would look at him with a smile, Shou could tell that his friend was lying.

What Manjoume had said, and then what had happened to him and Judai had torn a rift between them. Trying to cover it up was making it worse.

Shou could still remember how Judai's hand felt as he'd grasped at it. He did not know what had happened still, but the shift had been unforgettable. It had burned into his mind; the sudden surge of thoughts that were and weren't his, the new intensity of all of the colours around him, the way he'd felt when Judai had moved away.

He could not forget the brilliance of what he had thought were his brother's chains, shackled around Manjoume's hands and feet. Worst of all was the end of it; Judai so helpless, crying out on his knees, clutching his head in agony.

His chest seized up at the thought of it every time he remembered.

They had hesitated to speak about the incident. Life continued, the meetings between Shou and Judai not stopping, but the consequences hurt still.

It was wrong to see Judai, once truly cheerful, lying with every old happy smile.

One day, Shou broke and demanded they search for an answer. _Enough was enough_ , he had said.

It took a week to work out. Deciding on the weekend, they bought a pair of return tickets. That morning, they boarded a train that stopped at Judai's old town.

The walk had been long; Shou almost getting lost in the mess of streets surrounding the station, with Judai pointing the way in the cold. Half-asleep, it wasn't hard to get lost in an unfamiliar place, even if the cold wasn't an issue for the one who knew the place least.

Where they were now, after almost thirty minutes of walking, was much quieter than the streets he and Judai usually crossed after dark. The area was nothing but small houses, and the residents of the streets had huddled away from the cold, sheltered inside their homes. They were virtually alone here, for better or worse; the silence was both calming and, the more Shou thought about it, wrong and awkward.

"This is it." Judai took a breath in, sighing. His shoulders slumped with relief. "I still remember this place. It's like I was here just yesterday."

Shou stopped too, looking to the side and seeing what had to be Daitokuji's house. It didn't look odd amongst the other ones on the street, red-bricked and a little… characteristic, he decided, from the trails of ivy worming their way up one wall and coiling around the window, where a pair of greyish curtains were covering the view in. The grass outside was dry with the onset of frost, but not dead, Shou noted. Somehow, the plants still looked alive. One terracotta pot stood by the side of the house's red door, empty and odd amongst the white-and-green of the climbing ivy.

"You didn't move that long ago…" he said quietly, almost to himself. He wasn't in the mood for laughing.

"Only a few months!" For a second, it was as if Judai's old spark had come back to him. He sighed again, comically crossing his arms as he walked. "It was just so chaotic. Dad's job, everything changing - it's like one day I was here and the next I wasn't!"

 _No matter what, you're always dramatic,_ Shou thought. _I wish you'd come back to that._

"Guess so…"

He admitted he'd never known the feelings that came with moving. His family had been in once place since his birth. His suburb, his city - they had always been _the_ suburb, _the_ city. One city, for his father and brother and him.

"So yeah, this is my old neighbourhood. Not a bad place, really. Though it is a bit quiet." Judai spread one arm out, gesturing to the road and the houses beyond. They, too, were small and red-bricked, and had small lawns, with a couple having the same ivy around them. One or two had pot plants. A rainbow-coloured child's windmill stood proud across the road.

"Nothing happens out here." Judai took another breath in, arms spread, enjoying the feel of cold air. "The centre of the city - now that's real life!" Though his eyes were bright with remembrance, there was clear longing there too.

 _Things really were different,_ Shou thought, _for him here._ Here was quiet. Judai was almost one with the city noise.

"Did you still get shadows out here?" He thought he'd ask anyway. It was only after he said it that he realised it was the dumbest thing he'd ever said.

_Those things are everywhere, and I should know better._

Judai looked back, careless as ever. "Course I did. Hell of a lot of them! My old house was just down here, further on." He flicked his wrist, shaking off the idea of paying a visit. "Daitokuji lives here, and if you haven't guessed, that's his house," he chimed, pointing lazily.

"Looks like a normal house…" Shou muttered. He spied some shy-looking white flowers in another pot, solitary, in the corner of the small lawn. He couldn't quite figure out what made them feel so odd.

A faint bluster of cold grazed his cheek, and that's when he realised. "Flowers. It's December."

Judai stuck his hands in his pockets, trying to keep them warm. "I don't know either. Think it's just green fingers?" His smirk as he looked back gave Shou the idea that _good gardening_ was probably an exaggeration.

"How does he, then - "

"Ask him, he's the alchemist." Judai led the way again, taking a few more steps towards the front door and giving the old brass knocker a few taps. Shou stood behind him, anxiety building up. He didn't know a thing about Daitokuji, and had no idea what to expect from Judai's former mentor.

 _Judai said that he was a teacher,_ he recalled. What sort of teacher, then? He thought of the possibilities, settling on chemistry as his subject of choice. It was the closest thing he could associate with alchemy - only the traditional kind, though. Where war alchemy fitted in, he wasn't sure at all.

"Hello? Dr. Daitokuji?" Judai called, impatient. Shou didn't move, still a little uncertain about meeting somebody unfamiliar. "Are you there?"

"Do you not know his name?" Giving Judai a glance, Shou paused before he asked. Calling him 'Daitokuji' had seemed a bit strange, even if he was a teacher. Neither of the two were in school right now, and Daitokuji hadn't taught Judai in months.

Judai didn't turn back, still tapping the knocker, albeit more gently. "He's my teacher, I don't know what it is." He seemed genuinely confused as he said it, and Shou concluded that he'd never been bothered to learn.

 _Typical…_ "Well, your ex-teacher, anyway - "

It was then that the door opened, and Judai, having been leaning on it, almost fell forward with a sound of surprise. He stepped back quickly, smiling as if nothing had happened. Confidently, he looked back at the man who had opened the door, greeting him with a casual 'hello' that sounded like more of a friendly 'hey' than something Shou knew to ever say to someone older and far more respected.

Daitokuji was tall, a lot taller than he'd thought him to be. Even on a weekend, he was fairly well dressed, though clearly laid-back in a way - his shirt was more plain and formal, yet rumpled slightly. Long, dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail that rested over one shoulder. One hand fumbled with his rectangular glasses, the other holding open the door.

"Hello, Judai! Back so soon? I hope everything is all right…" He spoke slowly, yet eloquently; less of the 'mad scientist' Shou had imagined and more of the 'tired gentleman' type. He hoped they had not bothered him too much; Daitokuji seemed tired, and yet, it was after mid-day…

He checked his watch. Quarter past twelve. _I really hope we didn't wake him._

"Yeah, it's great!" Judai seemed oblivious to his former teacher's sleepiness. His enthusiasm was almost sudden, but refreshing somehow, even through Shou's clinging fatigue.

"…Oh, that's Shou over here. I told you about him," he continued, pointing a thumb to Shou, who was jerked out of his thinking and stared straight at Daitokuji.

He needed to make a good first impression. "Um, yes. It's… nice to meet you."

Daitokuji yawned, then slowly began to smile. "Ah, excellent! So good to meet you, it's a pleasure!" He reached out a hand, and Shou eased forward, giving it a shy shake. His fingers were long and cold, yet not unpleasant.

"Would you two care for some tea?" Daitokuji inquired politely, beckoning his guests into the house.

"Ummm…"

"Only if there's coffee!" Judai chimed, almost rudely, though Daitokuji didn't seem to mind. His spark had come back, even if it was around his old tutor and not around himself.

_Is this… normal between them?_

Shou hoped Judai would put on a real smile for him, too; he wanted to feel warm again, and to see his friend truly warm, too.

 _He seems pleasant enough._ A little uncertain, he decided that he too would trust him. Judai did, after all, and Judai, he'd learned, was not the naive fool he had seemed to be.

Laughing softly, Daitokuji turned around, heading indoors. "Don't worry, I came prepared. Come on in!"

Taking it as a cue, Judai turned back to Shou, gesturing to come in, as if to say they were welcome. Unconfident still, Shou followed, careful to leave his shoes by the porch, whereas Judai had almost forgot. Laughing lightly at himself for his foolishness, he followed suit, while Shou glanced around the corridor.

A wooden tribe-mask hung on one wall, intricately carved with a strange face. On the other side, directly across it, was an old-looking painting in a gold-leaf-edged frame, depicting what looked like smiths at work in the darkness, with nothing but a small fire in the centre, the face of an apprentice dyed gold by the light. Looking closer, he made out its texture, and the white-painted signature in the corner; some name he couldn't decipher. Though it wasn't large, it was still an original; _worth a fair amount,_ Shou thought. Walking on, he could see a carved horse resting on the mantelpiece in the living room, and next to it, an ornate mirror, surrounded by metalwork. He entered, wandering as if he was in some kind of gallery.

He couldn't stop looking around at the items. More images hung on the walls surrounding him; some originals and others certainly prints, though all were beautiful, all in some way fascinating.

Shou couldn't restrain his awe. "This place… All these things… Um, Dr. Daitokuji, are these -"

"Ah, these trinkets?" Daitokuji replied. "I've collected these over the years. They're just things from my travels. Artefacts of great rarity, objects said to bear great power…" He spread his arms wide, with extravagance, perhaps even getting a little carried away.

Eyeing a large, silver-wrought cross in another frame on the wall, Shou gave a shiver. There was some terrible vibe coming from it, something awfully odd pooling around it the longer he stared at it, and yet he couldn't tear his eyes away. He thought of the exorcists. The cross had to have some kind of strange power, he guessed, fear scratching at him.

"Oh, that one's just a souvenir. Don't worry, nothing will harm you here. I've managed to keep things stable for a while now; not even a shadow breaking in would set anything off. A shadow would never break in here, though…"

Shou felt like a terrible fool.

"You set up alchemy traps?" Judai asked.

Daitokuji shook his head. "No, no… Shadows fear shadows, you know that, Judai. First lesson of war alchemy?"

"Darkness is darkness, and light is light. Even if it's not the same type, to a shadow it's all the same darkness, and shadows don't ally," Judai sighed, his reply almost robotic, though perfectly regular. "Just like you kept telling me, right?"

"Exactly!" Cheerful, Daitokuji leaned over, ruffling Judai's hair. Judai himself didn't seem to mind, and Shou wondered if that was a normal gesture for them. "It seems you didn't forget. That's a good sign."

"As if you'd let me…" Judai mumbled.

 _They really do have a history,_ Shou thought. _I guess they really were friends even though they were teacher and student._

He couldn't hide his envy of that relationship. His father and brother had taught him the basics of exorcism, reluctantly so - but never complimented him on anything. He couldn't remember the last time someone had ruffled his hair like that.

Once, he had dreamt of a faceless woman caressing his hair. He had woken up that night in a sweat, trying to shake off the illusory pain of nails digging into his skull. He'd sobbed with relief upon seeing no blood on his pillow.

"Ah, but don't feel left out." Daitokuji turned around to face Shou, jerking him out of his memories. Startled, he looked back, a deer in the headlights. "Alchemical matters and exorcist ways aren't so different sometimes."

It took a few seconds of silence and his brain urging him to speak to the stranger before Shou finally spoke up, voice barely audible. "How… how do you know? That… that I'm an exorcist?"

_I have an exorcist's blood, and I kill shadows, but I'm not really one. I'm not like my family, I can't be one, I just can't…_

He had to fight back these feelings.

Rubbing his nose, Daitokuji smiled. "It's obvious… You smell like one. Didn't Judai say?"

Eyes wide, Shou's heart began to beat faster as he recalled the memory. You smell like an exorcist. The first time. The beginning had been surreal. Judai's hair in the light, his confident laugh. He missed it.

_Why do I keep remembering those pointless things?_

"Well, I'm not surprised. You exorcists don't have that. We alchemists can sense presences, light and darkness alike. We call that our 'smell', though it's more like a sixth sense, its own kind. Exorcists, on the other hand…" Daitokuji paused, hand on his chin, pondering a little before carrying on. "Your own energy radiates so strongly within you that energies from outside are blocked out. The extent to which you can sense shadows is nowhere near alchemist senses."

"Really?" Shou looked on, eyes wide with wonder. Daitokuji's explanation made sense. His father had told him, years ago, amongst the first things he had learned about exorcism, that their power was tied to both their souls and their bloodline.

Daitokuji nodded. "That's right. You know that's why war alchemy came about?" Seeing the confusion in Shou's face, he laughed softly. There was no air of shaming in it, only self-amusement. "I'll just prepare the tea, in that case - I assume tea is fine?"

Shou nodded, a little shy still. Following Daitokuji's beckoning gesture, he followed him to the small table in the living room, making himself as comfortable as he felt he could be in a stranger's house, on a stranger's floor and a stranger's cushions.

A faint thump-thump sounded out through the floorboards, slow at first then growing a little louder and faster. Behind Shou, Judai was already putting on a keen smile, as if already knowing the cause of the noises.

It didn't take long before Shou saw what had come downstairs and into the room. All the attention in the room had been drawn to a fat brown tabby cat, swishing its tail and lazily moving thick paws as it moved across the room in the direction of his owner.

"Oh, this is Pharaoh." Daitokuji said, scooping up the large cat in his arms. Pharaoh relaxed in his master's hold, resembling a large, furry child. "Cats have had a special place in the supernatural for a long time. You know that they can see shadows too, right? The early alchemists of Egypt were said to be especially loyal to the cat goddess, Bastet."

The cat let out a lazy mew, basking in his master's attention. No matter how hard he looked at him, Shou couldn't imagine the cat doing so much as hissing at a shadow.

Putting Pharaoh down, Daitokuji swept the cat hair off his shirt, glancing briefly over his shoulder before leaving for the kitchen. Judai's energy from before seemed to disappear as soon as he was left alone in the room with Shou, who felt the guilt within him rising again.

It was the same fear as before. Judai was avoiding him. For minutes at a time, other than the hiss of an old kettle and the sounds of containers being moved around in the kitchen as Daitokuji prepared the tea, there was nothing but desolate, empty silence.

_Why can't you smile at me? I'm not going to hurt you. I have no idea what happened the last time, but I wish you wouldn't be scared of me._

Squeezing his eyes shut, he wished that he had never touched Judai.

It was only when Daitokuji came back into the room, without Pharaoh this time, but with a carefully balanced tray of expensive-looking cups. As Daitokuji placed the tray down on the table and handed out the cups, Shou saw the corners of Judai's mouth quirk up in a smile - but his heart sank a little when he saw that it was only because he had been given warm coffee.

He looked down into his own cup, watching the light flicker in the reflection of his own tea cup. He barely heard Daitokuji settling down at his own place, putting the hot tea aside to cool, before he began to speak again.

"So, alchemy… I assume Judai hasn't explained this. You see, there are different branches of alchemy out there. They're all based on similar principles, and that's why they're all 'alchemy', though the ways in which we use them are different."

By his side, Judai let out a sheepish giggle. "Sorry, I keep forgetting how all these things work." Waving a hand, as if to let Daitokuji continue, he quietened again.

Daitokuji, not needing the cue, continued. "When people say 'alchemy', what they really mean is the transmutational kind, and the core of all other alchemical branches. A magic-infused science that uses basic elements and compounds and rebuilds them into more complex or valuable ones. Do you know of the Philosopher's Stone?"

Shou's eyes widened. "You can make that?"

"Sadly not," Daitokuji said, shaking his head. "Alchemists have tried to make it for millennia, but none have been known to have succeded. Although, it is indeed true that we can transmute gold, though it does take a lot of effort. I myself have done that a few times."

 _That's crazy,_ Shou thought.

"Crazy to some and impossible to others," Daitokuji stated, making Shou jump. It was almost as if he'd had his mind read. "But all possible with the alchemical arts. Anyone with some inclination to magic can do it, with years of perseverance and practice. Transmutational alchemy takes years to correctly perform and decades to master."

"You tried to teach me that!" Judai moaned, less frustrated and more amused in hindsight. Shou couldn't help but wonder what Judai's experiences learning were like. Judai, he knew, struggled to get his head around just about anything scientfic, or academic at all.

"That, I admit, was a mistake…" Daitokuji paused to take a small sip of his tea and clear his throat. "When you look at those alchemical studies, you have to admit, they are impressive, but aren't the most practical. Not the kind you'd want daily, for sure. That's why there are two more types of alchemy."

There was an odd pause. For a few seconds, Shou stayed quiet, expecting the older man to continue. Even Judai had put his coffee cup down.

The sound of sudden clattering on the table forced him to look down, and it was then that he really did jerk with surprise.

One silver spoon was no longer lying flat down. What it was doing was quite frankly impossible. The spoon was standing up on the end of its handle, the rounded end up like a small human's head, shaking slightly as if the thing was alive.

Instinctively, Shou crept a few inches back from the table. "What the hell?"

Daitokuji was smiling again, as if the spoon was doing nothing out of the ordinary. "Practical alchemy is a simple type. It came out of war alchemy, manipulating compounds in the air and in objects to break the laws of physics and make daily life simpler. Like so."

With a click of his fingers, the spoon rattled down again.

"It's relatively modern as a discipline, only a few hundred years old. Though there is evidence that practical manipulation existed as such in ancient civilisations, it was only recently that alchemists recognised it as its own alchemical branch."

Now a little more at ease with the spoon back on the table, Shou let himself come back to the table.

"And then, the third of the recognised branches. _War alchemy."_

Shou leaned in, desperate to take in as much as possible. Judai had gone back to his coffee.

"Alchemists have debated since its conception as to whether it even is a type of alchemy at all, but there seems to be general consensus that it is, in fact, kin to the other alchemical types. Earliest records of it are in Latin, and we believe it was founded in response to the inadequacies of exorcism."

"What do you mean?" Shou demanded. "Are we… inadequate, somehow?"

He hoped he was not. He had not been much use until the last few months, but his brother, at least, had been a good fighter for years, and most likely his father, too, though he dared not question it…

"Well, did you know that Judai was an alchemist at first sight?"

"No… He found me first. I didn't know - "

"Exactly." Daitokuji nodded. "You exorcists don't have the 'sixth sense' that we have towards shadows. Many recorded alchemists found themselves developing it after learning to use their innate magic for transmutational alchemy."

 _Innate magic._ Daitokuji had mentioned something like that before, but this time, there was something truly enchanting about it. Judai had been exactly like that - always laid-back in classes, maybe even outright sloppy and lazy - but as Shou had learned, he could be capable too.

_More than me. He is far more capable, more brave. Even handsome, too - what am I thinking?_

He hoped nobody would see any kind of giveaway blush.

Daitokuji continued, having noticed nothing, to Shou's relief. "There were other problems too, you see. Some clans were becoming lazy, or too proud of their power. Wars and feuds were becoming problematic between families. Some cared more for vendettas that for their original purpose. That was when a group of European alchemists developed a standardised form of alchemical combat - by harnessing the power of shadows and manipulating matter into the form of compressed stones, which they could manipulate after."

Now things were coming together. Shou could remember it clearly, still, stark as the lamp light that had lit up the street that night, when he had seen Judai fight. He had reached for something as the shadow smouldered away, and held that thing tight.

He had been forging the darkness into a stone, just like the one he had used.

"By manipulating the matter in their surroundings and within the shadowstones, alchemists learned they could fight back against the shadows. Even at the cost of their own sanity, should the essences of sealed shadows leak into them…"

Shou's mind drifted back to the fury in two sets of eyes in the midst of battle.

"War alchemists fight a similar fight, but they are not the same as exorcists. Whereas an exorcist is a being of light, yet destruction, a war alchemist uses darkness, and creates more than destroys. An alchemist is an exorcist's _exact, perfect opposite."_

Judai spoke up for the first time in minutes. "So, Shou and I…"

Daitokuji shook his head, reaching out a hand. Judai settled. "That's not to say you're here to kill one another. Opposing forces can work together. Like magnets, opposite forces sometimes attract."

Shou let himself sigh, shoulders relaxing. "That's a relief…"

Inside, the thought was far more persistent. _Attract?_

 _We_ attract _to each other?_

As much as he tried to fight the silly idea that kept on coming to him, his mind just couldn't shift itself to just the concept of magnets.

The more he thought about it, the more he thought of Judai.

_Don't think about it. It could never be anything else._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'journey/knowledge' (original title indeed...)
> 
> Welcome back. Seven chapters this part, and this is the first one. We will have fun, but it gets rougher from here on out. Warning's been given.
> 
> Kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> next chapter: son of a rose bush


	14. consanguinitas/rosae

**[Chapter warning - mention of the nonconsensual]**

* * *

**Thirteen.  
** **_consanguinitas/rosae_ **

_Stop thinking about Judai. He's right next to you, and he's your best friend,_ Shou forced himself to think. _He's still your best friend, even if he's been on edge after that time, and even if he is probably insane._

 _But we attract,_ some voice piped up in his head.

 _Like magnets. Like magnets,_ he had to refute.

"So, with that out of the way, I believe you had... something to discuss with me?" Daitokuji inquired. From his tone, it was clear that he already knew. Judai had said that he'd told him. Still, he proceeded to explain the incident.

"It was just... well, we were caught up in a fight with this guy - what was his name again?"

"Manjoume."

"Yeah, him. He was an exorcist, too, just one that wanted a fight, I guess. It was actually kind of fun at the beginning..."

Shou tried to butt in, about to tell Daitokuji that Judai's idea of 'fun' had involved one-on-one violence and blood on both sides and Judai almost having several bones broken, and losing sanity - yet missed the timing as Judai continued. By the time the explanation was over, he wasn't concerned with being correct any more.

"...And then Shou just grabbed me and everything went into overdrive." Judai finished, taking a sip of coffee. "That's what I remember, anyway. Do you have any cookies?"

"Overdrive, hmm..." Daitokuji mused out loud. "Can you describe it any further? In any detail? And yes, I'll get those in a bit."

"It was like..." Shou finally spoke up, taking the lead from Judai, who seemed to have lost track at the mention of cookies. He wanted to slap him, yet didn't want to, all at once. It was a ridiculous idea, and so he didn't. "Like everything just... slowed down, but my mind kind of sped up, at once. Everything was in colour - like in _strange_ kind of colours. Like... brighter, sort of. And it just felt really natural. Even though I don't think it was."

He didn't dare mention how _natural_ holding Judai's hand had felt.

"By any chance, had you two... taken anything, prior to this fight?"

Judai spluttered, almost spilling his cup of coffee. Shou's eyes widened.

Daitokuji nodded, his smile never leaving his face. "I assume not. That's good."

"What, did you think we were?" Wiping coffee from his chin and stifling his laughter, Judai chimed down, Shou realised exactly what Daitokuji had meant, and found himself fidgeting a little. He hadn't been on drugs, and trying them was not on his current to-do list.

"That's good," the older man repeated. "I think I have an idea now. If it is what I think it is, then that may just explain it. A few accounts have likened this certain experience to, dare I say it, _a trip_."

"Well, that's one way of putting it..."

"There have been other ways, as well. I've looked at one source from the eighteenth century that's practically a full-length essay on perhaps thirty seconds of experience."

"All right, that's kind of intense." Judai settled, a little bit uncertain as to how anyone could have written so much on something so brief. The last thing he wanted, it seemed, was to spend hours reading it. "So, what actually is it?"

A mew sounded from the kitchen, and the soft padding of paws sounded through the room. Pharaoh had plodded into the room, ambling onto the rug and curling next to his master's lap. Daitokuji reached to pick the fat tomcat up, who yawned in response, too lazy to flail his limbs or tail to protest. Instead, he curled in his arms, pointed ears resting on the man's fingers, as if making the suggestion that he be petted. Daitokuji obliged, giving the cat a gentle scratch on the head. Quiet purring filled the air, relaxing both the man and the cat, caught in a moment of calmness, so distant from the conversation the former had been involved in only seconds ago.

"Well, I just need to check a few more things, and ask some more questions... Did anything else happen, apart from the colours?"

Judai stopped to think, having been distracted by the cat. It was then that Shou filled in.

"...Then, I think... Everything just felt weird. Like there was something in my veins, even when I let go of him. And I didn't do anything else, but he... he kind of..." Shou struggled to word it. He had only glimpsed a flash of what had happened, and the rest had been lost in the storm of colour that had enveloped his vision. "It was as if... well, he kind of put his hand out, and then..."

"Oh, yeah! I didn't have the stones, but there was this feeling, like I had to attack Manjoume again, but... there was that weird thing with _this voice_. Something in my head. It was telling me to stop him, kinda like what Shou had been trying to say, but Shou wasn't saying anything. It was just… in my head. I don't know why, but I just focused on stopping Manjoume, and then, those chains just appeared on him…"

Daitokuji looked up from his teasing of Pharaoh, the cat giving his owner a moody, amber-eyed stare. "Chains, you say… What were those chains like?"

"They were like my family's chains. Like my brother's," Shou added, urging. "I can't make them, but the others in the clan can." He dared not mention that he had never been able to do the same thing.

"So, a clan-specific ability?"

"Yes. They're the only ones who are meant to have it."

"So, your vision was altered, and there were voices…" He looked back at Shou, eager to reach the conclusion, and Judai did too. "Did you not feel anything else? Even if it was brief?"

Shou shook his head. "...No. I don't think so, anyway. I just pulled away. Oh, wait. I guess... it kind of felt like there was something _strange_ inside of me. Just running through me."

 _Was that even important? What if had all been a hallucination?_ He hoped he wasn't making a fool of himself.

"Yeah, like something kind of linking us together, or something like that." Judai added in. "And when it all ended, it hurt. It was just… painful."

Shou winced himself, recalling Judai clutching at his head in agony. It stung a little as he recalled Judai backing away. The sensation, when his vision had distorted and he'd heard the strange fusion of voices in his head, hadn't hurt Shou at all. What hurt far more was the memory of Judai's terrified eyes, filled with fear, his voice a shiver as he told him not to touch him again.

"Ah, then that's it. If that's it, then I'm fairly certain that this is what I thought it was." Daitokuji moved his arms down to release the cat onto the floor. Still a little irritated from his master ending the petting, Pharaoh looked back, swishing his tail, before padding off into another room, most likely to sleep.

Once Pharaoh had left, Daitokuji made a small clap with his hands, now free, albeit covered in cat hair. Judai and Shou looked back at each other, exactly in time, as the clapping continued, Daitokuji clearly pleased with something for some reason. Both sets of eyes turned to face him, wondering what the applause was about.

The older man stopped after a few more seconds of contented clapping, before reaching his hands out to both of them. "There's no need to stare. In fact, I'd say you ought to be happy. It's something I can congratulate you two on."

"What for? What's the congratulations?" Judai asked, impatient.

"Oh, yes, cookies. I completely forgot…" Daitokuji mumbled under his breath. The distraction, even if cookies were mentioned, irritated Judai for a second. Prompted, he returned to the question at hand. "Ah, what I was about to say. I'm saying congratulations, because I believe you two have clear soul chemistry."

 _Soul chemistry?_ Shou had never heard the term mentioned.

The idea of 'soul' was thrown around a lot in the field of exorcism, and he was no stranger to spirituality and potential, but chemistry was a brand new idea, just like that of attraction.

Judging from Judai's response, the other boy was just as confused. "Chemistry? As in... the chemical kind? Or do you mean the -"

"Ah, no, not _that_ kind, Judai." Daitokuji dismissed the idea before the words had even left his mouth. "But chemical, yes. That's the closest way of explaining it. Some souls are just naturally compatible with one another in terms of co-ordination and structure, relation regardless. Some siblings and family members have chemistry at this level and greater, and some not at all."

Even though Shou had not fully understood the idea, what with the vague explanation, he concluded that he and Ryo had nothing of the sort.

"In fact, it doesn't matter who this person is to you. I've heard of strangers being closer than life partners in such an instance. It just means that your two souls are capable of high-level synchronisation, and if you were not mistaken, then you two synchronised exactly. And I congratulate you again on that. You achieved an incomplete state of _unitas-concordia_."

" _Uni-_ what?"

 _"Unitas-concordia."_ Daitokuji repeated, pronouncing each syllable with care. "A Latin term, _unitas_ for unity and _concordia_ for harmony, or some say concordance. A state of synchronisation between two individuals, at least one of those individuals being an alchemist. Two souls temporarily binding themselves together, forming a fluid mental and spiritual connection, and allowing the use of one another's abilities. It's unusual that it would happen so suddenly, but… that is what I believe you two experienced."

" _Unitas.._." Judai said the word himself, sounding it out as Daitokuji had. The word seemed more natural on his tongue for some reason; the accent sounded less jarring, and flowed. " _Unitas._ That's still pretty weird."

"For lack of a better term," Daitokuji continued. "There is a Chinese term, I believe, and an archaic Japanese, but the Latin is the most common in use these days. It was the European war alchemists that spread their knowledge most widely, and this term spread the quickest amongst our people. The Chinese called it _xietiao_. In Japanese, the much simpler _kaichou_. And yet, it's the complex two-word Latin vocabulary in use to this day. Compiled from two words, as, apparently, simply one could not adequately describe the sensation."

"Wow. I guess that's pretty incredible..." Judai trailed off, lost in some kind of awe at the realisation. "Even if it did really hurt."

"Don't worry about that. It's only supposedly painful the first time. Your body wasn't used to being in contact with an energy that's your complete opposite. Have you ever touched an exorcist's weapon?"

"Yeah, Shou let me touch his pseudo-weapon once…"

"That counts. That's exactly what it feels like. And don't worry about going into it suddenly, either. If you two were fighting, then it was most likely triggered by stress. Otherwise, you should be able to go into the state by focusing on it and trying to synchronise." Daitokuji explained.

The look on Judai's face upon hearing it wouldn't hurt again, and that it wouldn't happen at random made Shou's chest fill with warmth.

It was an odd thing to comprehend: he'd met him fairly recently, and it was only recently that he'd managed to call him a 'friend'. Only a few months ago had he first seen a shadow die by Judai's hand, and their joint fighting together had not started long after that. Still, this wasn't something to take lightly. The two of them had strong soul chemistry, and had momentarily experienced spiritual unity. They'd actually, for a few moments, come together.

 _We are one._ It made sense.

Was that why he'd felt so strange then, and why Judai had been able to pull out the chains? If Judai had used his abilities, that of an exorcist…

 _The chains,_ he thought. _The chains. If he used my powers, then those were actually mine._

He let himself smile, knowing that some kind of ability was within his reach, for once.

It was a miracle. His heart sped up at the thought of working together with Judai again, and doing so without fear.

What he tried to push back was the gently nagging thought that he really did want to hold Judai's hand again.

 _No,_ he thought, _it isn't anything like that._ If he had to do it, then he would, and he would do so for power and a need to do so, in the fight against shadowkind.

Daitokuji said, _not_ that kind _of chemistry._

It was silly, thinking about it. Shou cursed himself internally for daring to wonder.

"…Wait. You said it was incomplete, right?"

"That's right," Daitokuji replied. "Incomplete _unitas-concordia_ is far more common than the completed form, which takes more effort to manifest. In an incomplete synchronisation between exorcist and alchemist, the alchemist automatically takes the dominant role, and uses the exorcist's powers. That's why it hurts the alchemist when done for the first time."

He turned to Judai, the latter's mouth just open in realisation. "Your body is used to handling shadow, not light. The first time causes that pain. Using it after isn't as harsh. That's where the colours come from, for both users, too. Distorted perception is supposedly another common first-time side effect."

In a moment of silence, Shou saw a new, revived spark brightening up in Judai's eyes.

Daitokuji continued, eyes now on Shou.– "Now, exorcism is naturally recessive, which is why you cannot yet use Judai's powers in that state. Your powers are inherited, and need little learning, while alchemy is a complicated, learned art. Only in a complete cycle of _unitas-concordia_ can you use Judai's abilities."

"How do I complete it?" Shou asked, suddenly filled with drive.

"Not _'I'_ , but ' _we'._ As much as you naturally synchronise, you have to keep practicing. You have to focus on making yourself synchronise further, so that you are bound more intensely. Only when you work hard and learn to maintain your state of synchronisation can you complete the _unitas_ cycle."

Shou felt Judai nudge him, and looking back at him, he could see the intensity and the drive in his eyes. His hands had clenched into fists, his look of determination clear, more so than it had been even when told he would not feel the same pain again.

He nodded back. They had something powerful in their hands, and it felt only right to work hard to complete it, regardless of method.

He let himself sigh with relief, knowing he wouldn't hurt Judai. At last, he hoped, Judai would go back to old ways after too many quiet days.

By his side, Judai's spirits had lifted; the lying eyes weren't dulled any more, but an old shine was back within them, leaving them bright and captivating. When he spoke up, Shou couldn't help but relax; this time, he knew his enthusiasm was genuine, and not the false front his friend had erected in front of him. Things had to return to normal; they had to, and then the two of them could work on their newfound ability together.

"So, this thing is supposed to be rare? Is it weird that we have it?" Judai asked, leaning in with curiosity.

There was a brief silence as Daitokuji stopped, glancing away for a second. When he looked back, his voice was a little more hushed than earlier. "Essentially, yes. It's uncommon that synchronisation like that happens at random, but even with weaker soul chemistry, _unitas_ can be learned. It just takes a lot of time."

He raised his palm to encourage Judai to calm, but Judai ignored it. "What if you don't have time?"

There was more silence. Shou knew something to be wrong about it.

"…That, unfortunately, is a dangerous idea. And sadly, it's a common one."

The older man's head dipped, as if concealing some kind of sorrow behind stray locks of dark grey hair. Slowly, he put down his teacup and looked up. His warming smile was gone, as was the heat from the cups of tea and coffee; what replaced it was the look of someone mourning at a funeral.

"It's not a pleasant topic at all, but it's best that you're made aware of it." He muttered, turning to face Judai. "It's something an alchemist should know about. Especially as there are exorcists around you."

He turned to Shou suddenly, his gaze weary this time - but somehow, it rendered him vulnerable, singled out.

_Does he not trust me?_

"It's best to be aware of one of the greatest abuses of power. _Soul alchemy._ "

Two final words was all it took to send shivers down Shou's spine.

"I won't do it, I promise, whatever that is," Shou panicked, but was blunt about what he said. He was earnest, too - he couldn't do something that would cause harm to Judai. Judai was a friend first and an alchemist later.

He leaned in, obedient and knowing that he had to listen.

Daitokuji sighed. "Very well. What I need to tell you about is _soul alchemy._ A dangerous art that exorcists have gained a reputation for amongst the alchemical community. The art of... to put it simply, uniting souls for the sake of power - most of the time, without the other's consent."

His expression turned more sorrowful as he spoke the final few words, turning to one side. He continued, nonetheless.

"Some alchemists discovered the ritual after experimenting with the crystallised essences of shadows - shadowstones. That was how war alchemy came about, incidentally. They were searching for perfection itself; the transmutation of the human soul."

Judai interrupted. "So this soul alchemy thing… That's _perfection_?"

"Supposedly," Daitokuji nodded. "I don't have any information confirming it, but it's likely that it's been performed successfully in the past. Souls might really have come together. It's just that this ritual has never been _documented_ to have been a success. All records have ended in death."

Adjusting his glasses, he pushed away a strand of unruly dark hair. "And that may be for the best."

Shou couldn't help but shiver. Glancing over, he could see Judai itching with curiosity as always, but something about him seemed uncomfortable. A ritual that would most likely kill the one who performed it, all in pursuit of perfection…

Hesitantly, he spoke up first. "Why… Why, then, does it fail?"

"There are three components involved in soul alchemy - _souls, blood and shadows_. The souls in question are the soul of an exorcist, and that of an alchemist. The stones are the shadows which act as agents in the process of spiritual fusion."

"Then... what's the _blood_ part?"

"The blood is blood in itself. To perform soul alchemy, both parties must _die._ "

Shou felt lightning strike in his chest. _Die? But.._ There was a faint, gradual rise of something in his throat as he looked on at Daitokuji in silence. _No wonder..._

Daitokuji looked on, though he was far from the content, cheerful man he had been only minutes ago. "Both parties must die - even if only for a moment, die at the same time, with the shadowstones to bind them and prevent the souls from escaping the bind. If the ritual is done, then one will return to life and survive - the exorcist, with the power of both souls in his heart _."_

"A second soul within the same body, leaving the old one to exist as a presence," he sighed, his forehead falling into his palm. "It's a heavy burden if it succeeds… but no matter what happens, the alchemist dies in the process."

Nobody said a word after that. The room filled with silence. For a minute, nobody even heard cars passing outside. Not even the cat made a sound in the other room. Nobody wanted to hear any sounds as an indescribable feeling flooded their minds; hurt danced with sorrow and fear. Even Judai, Shou noticed, was silent. Gone was the infectious smile in the place of the thought that he might one day come to face something as sickening as to die at the hands of Shou's own kind.

_I can't do that to someone. Not ever, not ever, not -_

He couldn't bear the idea. He felt he would be sick the longer he dwelled on the thought.

It was Judai, after what seemed like a guilty eternity, that broke the silence, awkward and slow in his tone, voice terribly dry.

"...Why, then?"

Shou's own thoughts filled with a question, but he didn't dare ask. _Do our people really hate each other so much? Even with the same goals..._

The older man took a breath, the sadness clearly still present. "Why do people do things? Why do we fight in the first place? It isn't for justice. People do it for power, simple as that."

"Power? What do you mean?" Judai asked, one hand squeezing the other in reassurance, as if keeping hope. Shou knew what it meant; the fear burrowed down. _He's scared I'll do it to him..._

"Power. A unity of souls is a unity of power. The light of exorcism and the darkness of alchemy. If the two synchronise, greater heights can be reached. And everyone longs for more power, even if it's deep down. For territory. For hierarchy." Daitokuji's gaze met Shou's again; the younger of the two shivered. "For pride. For proof of oneself to one's family. Through unity, an exorcist can perform alchemy, including war alchemy, as freely as the one with whom they are fused."

"...But... can't they work anyhow? Can't those things be used if the two powers synchronise?" Judai turned to Shou, hopeful. "Like... like _what we've done_. The _unitas_ thing. We can fight together, even if we're different people. Why go through all that?"

"Why not? Not all exorcists and alchemists are exactly in harmony. You know many despise one another. Why bother with something like _friendship_ and _hard work_ maintaining those ties, when you could just unite with them? It's a lot quicker, and once those powers are yours, you can use them as you like. Because to some people, the issue of _consent_ is far, far too much."

"You don't mean…"

"Taking a soul without consent might as well be another kind of rape."

There were no words after that. All that echoed through the room and around the suddenly-looming walls was the sound of clocks ticking. Small sounds from outside were almost muffled, but not by curtains. Processing everything was slow and painful. Shou forced himself to brave the dizzy, sick feeling that had rushed in and threatened to consume him.

Even Judai was saying nothing.

"I'm sorry if it all seems that way. It isn't. There are… _consensual_ cases, in fact. The desperate, the mad, and the dying. For the most part, it's otherwise not worth attempting." Daitokuji looked back at both Judai and Shou, as if to reassure.

The reassurance wasn't coming, but not because the older man wasn't trying hard enough.

"…Because it's so bad?" Judai finally asked, braving the terror evident in his own voice.

"Because of the component of _death_. The alchemist dies regardless. If the ritual fails, then both people involved die. And that's what _all known records_ have said."

Still, nothing but silence followed. Two pairs of eyes were fixed to the floor, or to their own laps. Nobody wanted to speak.

 _Never,_ Shou thought. His blood boiled within him, knowing that his exorcist kin had tried something so brutal. Every part of him, from his morals to his pride as an exorcist - something he had only begun to feel recently, when he had learned to truly wield his own weapon and perform the duties of his kind - condemned the act. Daitokuji was right. It was no more than a different kind of rape.

He could never do that to Judai. If somebody else tried to - Manjoume, he cursed his name under his breath, even him, even him - he would leap right at them and tear them to shreds, even if it meant his own death. He would protect Judai. He would protect his best friend, even if he had been uneasy, even if they were exact opposites to one another, even if he -

 _No, no!_ He shook his head. _I am not thinking this about him!_

It was Daitokuji that spoke first of the three of them, the silence too cold and too dead for anyone's liking. "…Oh, yes, those cookies," he said, standing up and dashing back to the kitchen, as if to distract himself from the issue.

Still, as the sounds of shuffling through cupboards echoed through to the living room, the quiet remained. Shou knew something had to be said, but he dared not speak out himself. He took a breath and lifted his gaze.

When he finally looked up, the first thing he saw was Judai looking back at him. His eyes were a little weary, but the shine in them was back, having never quite died after hearing of the newfound connection. There would be no pain, either, and what they had was special, certainly -

"I want to complete it," he whispered, not caring if anyone heard. "Complete the _unitas_ thing. The right way. _You want to?"_

The spark was back in his eyes.

Shou couldn't help it. He smiled, mouthing a 'yes' back.

For once, misfortune wasn't rearing its head.

* * *

Only that evening, when he arrived home and slumped to his bed, his whole body weak with no sleep and too much fatigue, did one important thing wash up again in his mind.

Inside, Shou cursed. He had been too caught up in worries about alchemy and souls and that thing - unitas? - that he had completely forgotten to ask something important. He had considered asking Judai, but the idea felt too strange. Knowing Judai, besides, he would find some way around it. It would never be answered that way.

He needed somebody with far more knowledge than him, even if he knew he could trust Judai. There was far more to know, even beyond what Judai cared about or felt like revealing. He needed advice, and the thirst was too much.

Taking deep breaths in, Shou took out his phone, and the telltale piece of paper he'd written on, then slipped into his pocket as he was preparing to leave for home again. He hoped he hadn't made a mistake in writing it down.

_There's not much I can do if I have. Might as well go for it._

Hands uncertain, fumbling with buttons he knew were the wrong ones and heartbeat shaky, it took a few efforts before Shou finally knew he had entered the right number. Sighing and bracing himself, he dialled.

There was a silence, then nothing but empty tones. His heart seized up, convinced the number was wrong.

"Hello?"

He took a deep breath.

"…Hello," he breathed out, the phone shaking with his unsteady hand. He hoped his voice would make sense, even as it shook. He had never been good with phone conversations, and the thought of talking to someone older and superior to him only made the fear more penetrating. "It's me. Uh - Shou. From today."

"Ah," the voice on the other end responded. Hearing it again, more relaxed in tone, seemed to ease some of the aching tension in Shou's arms. "Shou? Did you two get home all right?"

Shou nodded by instinct, then realised he would not see it. "Yes. Everything's fine."

"That's good to hear. Is there something you wanted to talk about?"

Even if they had only met for a few hours, the reassurance that voice was giving him was different from that of most adults. Daitokuji had a soft voice, one edged with strange youth despite his knowledge and experience - as Shou had learned, far beyond anyone he had known.

"There's… something I wanted to ask you, but I kind of forgot," he mumbled, feeling sheepish.

"Go ahead, go ahead!" Daitokuji's voice was light and relaxed once again. It was as if he'd forgotten he'd ever spoken of soul alchemy and _death_ only hours ago.

Shou took a breath before asking. "Judai said to me… A while back, he said that exorcists smell weird, but apparently, I can't smell it myself… and I just wanted to know. What exactly do we smell like?"

There was a pause on one side of the telephone line. For a moment, Shou thought his own question silly. Was Daitokuji going to laugh at him for this? His hand tensed, holding the telephone.

"Well…" The older man dragged his words out, giving himself time to piece his answer together. Only a part of our _sixth s_ ense is scenting. Scent is a part of it, but not as much as other sensations. It's a mixture of feelings. The scenting only develops after years of experience. Otherwise, it's just all the other aspects of the sensation, which can be felt early on… Hold on, Judai mentioned a scent?"

"Yeah. Judai said it to me, back when we first met."

"When you met for the first time? Was that in battle?"

Shou shook his head by reflex, even though he knew Daitokuji couldn't see it. "No. We met at school. He just walked into the classroom…"

"Hmm… That's a little bizarre. Usually, exorcists give off that feeling _far more_ when they're in battle. The scent part, in particular - that's strongest right after an exorcism. War alchemists give off something like it too after killing, but it's a lot weaker. It's barely even there… But with exorcists, it's strong in and after battle, and, well, it's barely noticeable when you're outside of it. And if Judai was so reliant on scent… that's unlike him; rather strange, really…"

"Wait, but you said you could smell me…"

"Well, that's more _me_. I've been alchemising for decades. Judai's scenting would be a lot weaker - he's only had a handful of years. The less experienced rely on the scent far less than aura or pressure."

"Does Judai have a better nose for it, then? Like… _naturally?_ Is that why he sensed it? I hadn't been fighting, or anything, either."

He'd heard of people with strong scent abilities; the kind that worked for perfume houses.

"Not that I know of."

Daitokuji trailed off in thought, stopping again. Shou stayed silent, too, too awkward to ask anything else. When Daitokuji spoke up again, his tone had returned to amusement.

"…Unless, you could say, Judai was making a point to you then."

"A point? What do you mean?" What kind of point could he have been making by mentioning his smell? Did he smell bad? Why hadn't anyone noticed, then? What did it have to do with him being an exorcist?

"Well, you did want to know about that particular smell…" Daitokuji chuckled airily. It was warm and friendly, yet wise with his years. "That's the thing about the smell. Some say it's a sign of divine approval after an exorcism. I'm not sure myself…"

He paused.

"You see, a successful exorcism smells of _roses_."

Shou's heart began to beat faster in surprise. "Roses? Wait, what the heck?" He backtracked, "Wait, is that a figure of speech?"

"No, that is indeed how it is. Quite a pleasant smell… By any chance, were you wearing perfume? That might explain why he said that he smelled it." Daitokuji stopped, in mock-wonder. "Well, unless you fell into a rose bush, I'm not sure myself how he would be able to smell it at his level, even if he does know what an exorcist smells like."

_A rose bush? Of all the things, roses? Perfume?_

_He can't really smell it, but knows what we smell like? Why did he say it?_

That was when it hit Shou Marufuji straight in the head.

Barely able to hold himself together, hands shaking slightly and voice faltering with surprise, he thanked Daitokuji quickly, multiple times even - he'd been so pleasant to them during their stay - and asked it it was all right to speak again, all in a flurry, thanking him yet again when he offered his help if he ever needed it. He was indeed thankful, but the odd rush of confusion left him barely able to think straight. He put the phone down and fell back onto his bed, his heart racing.

He lay back, looking up to the ceiling, blank-faced.

He wanted to say it out loud, but did not want anybody to hear; questions were suddenly meeting answers as random pieces of memory clicked together, like pieces of a once-scattered puzzle. He feared thin walls and sharp ears surrounding him everywhere.

It was all making sense. _You smell like an exorcist._

_You smell like…_

Exorcists smell of roses.

You.

_You…_

Of all the things, had Judai had been _flirting_ with him?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'kinship/roses'
> 
> Apologies for the warning. I am unsure if I will be putting up specific warnings in the future or keeping things unspoiled, but do be aware that I may possibly bump up the rating. Besides, I did say this series was going to get darker, and it will get darker still. I just really hate spoiling content, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt people on purpose... well, I guess I did warn you before.
> 
> For anyone wondering about the roses: this is actually based on something in real life. Some records of exorcisms being performed really did note a scent of roses after the exorcism had been a success. Supposedly, it’s a divine sign of approval… I liked that fact so much that I decided to integrate it into the U/Cverse. 
> 
> next chapter: stupid boy


	15. temptatio/erratum

**Fourteen.  
** **_temptatio/erratum_ **

It was a few evenings later, following the old pattern, that the two of them met in the back streets as always. This time, there was a new agenda in mind.

"So, wait, are we just supposed to do that thing again?" Shou asked, looking around nervously.

Manjoume had not come around again, and the Tenjoin seemed to be silent, or most likely not around. What was around them was nothing but night-time. In the background were cars. Amongst cardboard boxes in the back of an alley, feline eyes glittered.

"I guess so." Judai shrugged, now back to his old ways. Shou sighed with relief. It was as if his old, carefree self had never left, even in the wake of the _unitas_ incident.

 _Unitas_ had been on Judai's mind non-stop, it had seemed. He'd sent Shou countless messages, each of them riddled with exclamations, with at least one emoticon. It had been unpleasant to decline his request to meet the previous night, but Ryo had been wandering around suspiciously, and Shou hadn't been able to muster the courage to run past him. He'd demanded they stick to their usual schedule; he'd become used to Ryo being elsewhere, probably some regular haunt, every Tuesday.

He'd had other concerns, too. Namely, the concern right in front of him; Judai had taken a deep breath in, reaching out his hand.

He hadn't been able to clear his mind of the things he had worked out.

Judai had called him his friend - and he'd called him that, too - and he'd said he'd wanted friendship. Their partnership had turned out stronger than expected; just like he'd promised, he'd somehow helped Shou and kept him safe. He was alive, months and months later.

He'd told him he smelled of roses on the day that they met.

_He shouldn't have been able to smell anything, because I'd never completed an exorcism._

There was only one reason Shou could think of for Judai having said such a thing.

_Stop thinking about it._

He had to stop dreaming. Judai was still calling him 'friend'. It had all been a mistake. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be, not in that way.

_Do I want it to be like that?_

Deep down, he couldn't restrain it. Judai was handsome. He was talented, too, and had a kind heart. He was reckless, chaotic and lazy, but his laugh was contagious. His smile filled him with warmth, like the sun.

"Hey, you OK there?" A hand waved in front of him, a little too close for comfort.

"Y-yeah…" Shou murmured, shaking his head to break himself out of distraction. He cursed under his breath for having spaced out, his thoughts of his best friend having begun to take over his head.

_Stop thinking about him. He's close to you. This isn't right. It just isn't._

Judai, his arms outstretched, looked back with intensity. "So… _are we trying this thing?"_

"You mean…?" Shou knew what he was suggesting already.

" _Unitas-concordia._ What Daitokuji said," Judai replied, the foreign words gliding seamlessly on his tongue. Shou thought of him conversing with his mother, and couldn't help but think there was something quite captivating about it all. When he'd tried to say it, it had sounded strange, unfamiliar, jarring. When Judai did, he only wanted to listen again.

The thought of attempting something so crazy, so strange, sent a reflexive shiver right through him. The last time - the first time - had been outright tempestuous. His vision had been distorted, and Judai had fallen to the ground in pain. He could bear what had happened to him once again, but watching Judai scream on in agony wasn't something he wanted.

Before he could say anything, Judai had already raised a hand to stop him.

"He said it wouldn't hurt after the first time. Don't worry about it."

Shou nodded, a little on edge still. He hoped Judai wasn't reading his mind, if he could do that.

_The last thing you need to know is the fact that I can't stop thinking about you._

He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the strange, pestering thought. Judai noticed it, too, giving him an uncertain glance. "Like, really. It's going to be fine. Don't worry about me."

He wasn't sure if he could stop himself worrying. At the same time, they had a great opportunity. It was theirs for the taking. Daitokuji had told them their bond wasn't common. _Unitas-concordia_ was a rare gift, and they had synchronised without even intending.

That kind of thing, Daitokuji had said, just before they had left him, made them one of only a handful of cases.

The thought of it empowered as much as it depressed. The burden was heavy.

They had to do it.

"Come on," Judai beckoned. One hand rested by his side. The other reached out for him, just like their first handshakes. Shou had refused to shake hands twice in one day when they'd met in the empty classroom.

Months had been and gone since then. Judai wasn't the stranger he'd been in September.

Looking up, Shou's grey-green eyes met Judai's perfect, deep browns. He took a breath in.

_You really are handsome - stop thinking about it!_

His hand reached, too, mirroring him, and slowly came together, so that their palms barely met. Before he could pull back, Judai's fingers had clamped around his, closing the gap and putting them into a tight, steady hold. Falling prey to his instincts, Shou let his own fingertips do the same.

For countless moments of silence, there was nothing. There was only the cool wintery breeze, and the comforting warmth of skin on skin, hand on hand, fingers crossed in a hold over each other. Two pairs of eyes stared, breaths a pale white in the dark.

"Nothing?" Judai asked.

Shou shook his head. "He told us to focus, though."

"I just thought it'd be easy."

 _Typical,_ Shou couldn't help but think. _You always think things are going to be easy, and then you complain because you were wrong._

He heard Judai sigh, breathing in and out, watching smoky breaths spiral. "Just got to try harder."

His voice rekindled the hope in Shou's heart. He was right. It was like Daitokuji had said. Their first time in synchronisation had been a miracle. Their second time wouldn't be easily triggered. It wouldn't hurt, and they knew what it was now, but it was all at the cost of an easy condition.

"Yeah," Shou said back, "just got to try harder."

He squeezed shut his eyes, looking down and pushing back useless thoughts in his mind. Whatever Judai did then, he didn't see.

Again, there was the same silence. He gritted his teeth, almost praying.

_Please, let us do it again. I need to just try it. We've got to synchronise. I have to find out what this is!_

_We are one, we are one,_ he repeated, time and time again, like the mantra his and Judai's voices together had chanted, over and over. He needed to focus, find the same strand and connect, to throw himself into the same mindset, the same stream of consciousness at Judai, even if it meant forcing back things he wasn't sure about; things plaguing his thoughts without end, things that made his heart beat too fast and his mind wander to things he wasn't sure about…

_Stop thinking -_

There was a click. A strange sensation began to pool in the back of his head, disturbingly cold. Then, there was heat, and a sudden, sharp rush.

He gasped as the breath was knocked out of him. White blinded his vision and blocked out his field of view for an instant. He heard voices, countless strange sounds, whispering and calling, something like fire - or ice, he wasn't sure what it was more like - surging through his veins, spreading and spreading, making his insides tingle. A shiver ran up his spine, his limbs strangely heavy for a second, then growing lighter again.

The one thing he was sure of, even if what was going on was making no sense, was that he couldn't let go of the connection, of the hand holding on to his.

_Is this really happening?_

He felt increasing tightness around his hand, felt a shiver in his system that he knew wasn't really his. His eyes were still closed.

The brightness was fading, and so was the discomfort. So was the chill.

The pressure in his skull lifted, and he opened his eyes again. There was the same street, just like before, just as dark as it had been. He could still see clear details, as he had been able to do for the last couple of months now. He was still breathing.

As he tasted cool air, he heard more than just his own breaths.

What he was hearing was still a little distorted, like the last time he'd touched Judai's hand and held on. Part in his ears, part in the depths of his mind, he could make out loose words, things he wasn't quite able to make sense of, but he could tell that the voice was familiar.

The further he focused - he could focus; there were no wild colours and flashes like last time - the more he made out the strange snippets of voice, and with it, the one whose thoughts he was hearing.

_Judai?_

They were as clear as his own.

His hand held on firmly, his friend's hold a little looser now that the strange, storming feeling was gone. It was a relief; he hoped Judai wasn't in pain…

_I'm all right._

What he had heard made him jump for a moment. It had been Judai's voice, but the way it had sounded hadn't quite been the same. The voice hadn't come from somebody beside him, but almost out of himself. Nobody had spoken. The whole voice had been in his head.

_You can hear this, right, can't you?_

Shou couldn't suppress the rush of his heartbeat.

_I… I can._

It startled him a little, hearing his own voice just like that. He hadn't even thought hard; it had just come, out of his thoughts.

 _This is insane… No wonder, Daitokuji was right…_ Judai had heard him, just like he had heard Judai's own voice again.

_Are we hearing each other's thoughts?_

As obvious as it seemed, he needed him to confirm it. Was he even hearing things the same way? What was he even hearing? Was he hearing every little thing in his head? Was he sifting through his memories, his past? Hearing the voices of people he had forgotten, or still remembered?

 _I think so. And no, I can't hear anything else._ Judai's tone, even as a thought, was far more certain than his.

Shou sighed.

Judai wasn't quiet for long. _So, we can do that. I wonder what else._

_Wait, what are you trying -_

_I_ can _use your powers, right?_

Turning his head, hesitantly - he worried it would hurt, and it was strange, moving around with the strange feeling of synchronisation still rushing around in his veins - he looked to his side, seeing Judai standing more confidently than himself. He had always been that way, and even as strange as their mutual feeling was, it was as if he couldn't be scared.

Judai wasn't looking back at him, but forward instead. Shou shivered again, feeling a familiar radiance spreading through him; it numbed out familiar emptiness, that feeling he felt whenever he pulled that energy out of himself and formed it into something that he could hold; something he could use, and something he could kill with -

Judai was doing something insane.

His hand was outstretched; Shou could see it, something white and shining, beginning to form in his palm, just like it did in his whenever he summoned his weapon. Judai's eyes were fixed on it, not caring if it blinded him, focusing hard, but eyes wide, their hold on each other firmer than ever -

There was a _snap._

A faint buzz distorted his vision, like television static. After that, there was nothing.

When his vision returned, a few panicked gasps later, there was no feeling in his body that connected him to anyone else. Judai's hand slowly slipped from his fingers, the cold an unwelcome, undesirable creep.

There was nothing between them but two sets of separate breaths, and apart from that, silence.

* * *

The connection hadn't lasted for long. According to Judai's phone, they had been imperfectly synchronised for just under one minute.

It was something Shou struggled to believe. Holding hands with Judai, the feeling had seemed like a pleasant eternity. Far more than a minute, at least; there was something comforting, almost affectionate about being in contact in the physical way.

In spirit, it had been a whole other affair.

After their breaths had come back and their pulses had settled, they knew they still had time. Neither wanted to head back early, and it was dark nonetheless. Judai hadn't sensed Ryo, or anyone else.

They'd found themselves sitting together. Amongst the trash and the gutters and the prying acid-green eyes of stray cats, they had begun to stargaze.

Shou had never known the names of the stars or any constellations. Judai had been pointing them out at times whenever they'd practiced, and he'd struggled to remember each time. How Judai could focus on each little pinprick was incomprehensible, especially when he thought of how he had struggled with physics and asked him for answers more than a handful of times.

It was strange contradiction. Judai sat to his left, careless and smiling as ever.

Shou couldn't help but feel far less certain. Sitting had been Judai's idea, but the streets were far from clean, and further from comforting to be around in at night, even if one of them did have no fear.

The place was making him conscious of himself. Judai was close; so close, it made his breath hitch when he thought about it.

He couldn't help but be a little wary of things. "…Does it smell bad out here?"

"I don't know. It's never bothered me, anyway." Judai said, shrugging uncertainly. "Wait, does it bother you?"

Shou shook his head.

It took a few seconds for his mind to kick into focus, realising there was a window. Now he could ask him something, the thing that had been nagging at him for so long.

"Wait. Do I smell like trash?"

It wasn't a question he had ever thought of asking. Judai had always seemed so careless about these small things. He was the one who had dragged him into the alleys, and the one who cared least whenever he really did spend too long running around stinking backstreets.

Daitokuji's words had made him more cautious. He had to confirm it. If Judai dared mention the roses his mentor had mentioned…

Judai shook his head. "Nope. You always smell like an exorcist."

 _God damn it, just say it…_ He felt his pulse race for an instant.

"Then, what does that smell like?"

Judai stopped for a second, freezing up. Shou slightly glimpsed the bite of his lip. Then, there was sound from him again.

"…Hey, check out that one. It's brighter than the rest of them. I think that might be Jupiter."

His voice wasn't quite stable. His hand shot up, pointing at the sky again. Shou sighed, careful so as to make sure Judai didn't hear. He was concealing something, that he knew, and it was becoming frustrating…

"How do you know?" Shou asked, pushing his questions aside, playing along instead.

Judai hesitated. "Well, planets are brighter."

"I mean, how do you know it's Jupiter?"

"I… actually don't." Judai shrugged, chuckling awkwardly under his breath.

Shou found himself doing it too, unintentionally.

A faint breeze blew through, tickling one cheek; he felt warm with Judai by his side. He shifted closer, their sides gently pressing together. _Even better,_ he thought.

It was then that Judai gave him a nudge. "You actually cold?"

"No, you know I can't - "

 _Too far,_ Shou realised. This wasn't appropriate. He would find out the truth at this rate, if he just used his logic a little. It was stupid of him to have done it. He hoped he'd not caused Judai any discomfort.

He almost jerked with surprise as he felt Judai shift around. Leaning in more, Judai's head moved to rest just over his own, chin - and wait, _nose?_ \- burying themselves in his thick mane of hair. A warm breath tickled his scalp, making him shiver.

There was something perfectly pleasant in all of it.

_But wait, what - no, not again, stop it! Just tell me! God, what am I thinking?_

His mind wasn't functioning properly; was it wrong or right, and if so, who was the wrong and who was the right, and what was the right thing to do next, and -

He tried to draw away, one hand moving to push away from the ground, but the position went wrong, leaving him with his hand on top of Judai's.

_They're warmer than mine - God, no, I'm not thinking about this! -_

Gasping, realising the mistake, he immediately edged away. Judai gasped too, expression startled. His eyes widened; they'd been half-shut and dazed before.

"Oh God, I'm sorry," was all Shou breathed out. "That wasn't what I meant. I'm sorry." The thoughts inside were a jumbled mess, and he couldn't make head nor tail of them. His heartbeat rang in his ears: a savage drumbeat.

He'd stayed here too long. He was tired. He needed some sleep, and some time alone. _Alone, that's right, but Judai -_

_God, Judai -_

"Shou?"

He turned back to face Judai, who'd called his name. It was just above a whisper, in a far more gentle tone than what he'd grown used to. Odd shapes of orange and blue-black coloured his face, half lit and half dark. He wasn't smiling like always, though he didn't seem angry, or horrified, or…

Judai had tilted his head to one side, mouth slightly open as if to say a word. He didn't say any more.

It was Shou that broke the silence. "Sorry, I was just…" He didn't quite know.

"Just?" Judai enquired, still quieter than normal.

"Just…" _Just what, exactly? Why?_ He'd lost his mind. "Just… I…" _I what?_

Why was he doing it? Why was he making excuses? "I just…"

With a guilty blush beginning to bloom on his cheeks, Shou wanted to turn away, more than anything else. His neck remained still, eyes still fixed on Judai's, hands trembling with fear that all was about to go wrong. He wanted to shuffle away, or to stand up and wish him good night and leave.

Even that, he couldn't do. He remained there, frozen on the spot, paralysed and mute.

He saw Judai close his eyes for a second, then open them again, his expression relaxing, though his own remained so. Judai's hands, then his upper body moved, as he moved his weight more to one side, position shifting to face him entirely.

Face-to-face, they were inches apart now. Shou's hands were still shaking. A shiver bolted down his spine when he felt something touch again; Judai's own hands meeting his again. Their fingertips barely met, but the feeling was there. Closer they came, surprisingly warm.

It wasn't the same as when they'd gone into _unitas-concordia_. The spark of light-and-dark energy, that fluid connection, wasn't there to pull them into synchronisation, but another kind of spark was.

Shou's heart almost stopped. Judai whispered his name. Their eyes met, and some hidden urge screamed at him to act.

He didn't know what had gotten into him. Shou lifted both hands from the ground, still shaking and wanting to scream, taking Judai's face in his hands and pulling him closer, into an almost violent, desperate kiss.

His lips collided against Judai's, chest burning and eyes squeezing shut, out of control. His head was spinning, but his hands stayed fixed.

_It's wet. Kind of… warm…_

Some fire inside had surged through his entire being, uncharacteristic and wrong, yet exactly and perfectly right. Wild, madly pleasing - _insane_ , he realised, as reason came flooding back.

He pulled away in horror, growing aware of what he had done by sheer impulse.

_Oh my God._

He pushed himself away, moving towards one side. Face frozen in an open-mouthed gasp, he tried to look elsewhere, but found himself stone-cold.

Judai's expression mirrored his, though he hadn't moved. The air was thick with breaths and silence. Cars flew past in the background, every sound amplified.

 _Oh my God._ Shou's hands moved to cover his mouth, shaking uncontrollably.

_Oh my God._

"Shou."

He turned away then, finding the strength to do so. He'd heard Judai say his name, slowly and carefully; it had broken the ice, and now he had to run as fast as he could so that he would not fall in.

He felt like he had fallen already. His chest was still burning.

"Shou." There, he'd heard it said again. He couldn't look up to see him. He couldn't bear to see him angry, or pained, or resentful of it, he just couldn't bear to look at him…

"Shou, are you…"

There was something hesitant in it. _That's it, it's finished. I made the mistake. The secret is out now._

_What even is the secret? It's real, isn't it? I've fallen in love with him -_

He could never be sure of himself.

It was dumb, keeping hope. But the last thing he wanted - and this he knew, he was sure, more than anything - was to lose Judai. Even if he wouldn't forgive him, he couldn't bear to be left without Judai; without his companion, friend and his -

_The secret is out now._

"Are you… Wait, Shou… do you…" Judai was fumbling with words. Stuttering, he took a breath in, trying to speak more carefully. It seemed to calm him a little, though Shou felt a bitter taste in his mouth at the sight of it, of Judai, looking so… disturbed. It left him disgusted, most of all at himself.

_I did this. I killed this. I killed this friendship._

There was a sad irony about it - he'd managed to kill something, in the end. He could die happy.

He made another mistake then. He looked up at Judai, meeting his eyes. Two breaths met and mingled in the cool darkness of the night. Two shivers followed, two sets of trembling hands holding on to the ground for support. Two seconds, more that followed after. Silence, fear, chaos, a voice in the back of Shou's head telling him to do something, but he didn't think clearly -

Judai moved.

Shou felt a cool pair of lips make contact with his own, barely there at first, then pressing in more. Judai's nose bumped into his own, clearly awkward, but he didn't draw away.

He felt his heart thump wildly, struggling to process everything at once. His senses were scrambled again - something was burning and shivering and terribly comforting and outright _maddening,_ as if time had stopped and everything was lasting twice as long as it should have. Judai's hands were pressed against his shoulders, keeping him in place. He did not consider escaping.

He didn't keep track of time.

When they drew apart, nothing but air and saliva left on his lips, it was as if he had woken up from a dream. Judai was still staring, hands down. He saw his whole body quiver.

Shou himself had been pushed to the edge. He found himself gasping, for more than one reason. His breaths had been knocked into irregularity. His heartbeat was a drum in his ears. There was nothing for what felt like minutes; nothing but shared gasps and eyes that refused to meet one another. Shou couldn't help but stare down at his hands, shaking. Everything was still a rush and a blur, storming through him in ways he hadn't ever considered.

Speaking was going to hurt, he knew. He was right; the first words he said, after too long a silence, were harsh on his throat, like small, scraping daggers.

"I'm… I'm so sorry." he gasped guiltily. "I don't know what happened. I just… I don't know what I just did…"

It was a lie. He'd never felt anything as perfect as he'd felt in those few seconds of contact. The first time had been uncertain, but the second had confirmed it. The warmth in his chest had overpowered the butterflies in his stomach and had made his hands tremble with desire.

He wanted Judai. The guilt was insane. It had to be wrong to want his best friend.

Judai looked back, his warmth still alluring. It shamed him, knowing he felt it.

"Why? Is it really… that weird? What's up with you?"

The way Judai was looking at him made him feel like an idiot; some kind of inexplicable oddity, something Judai just couldn't comprehend. It wasn't disgust in his eyes, more confusion, but something about it was strange nonetheless…

_God damn it, I'm sorry._

Judai looked on at him awkwardly, mouth just open in questioning. "I don't understand. What's wrong with _trying things out?_ We're still friends, right?"

The insistence in his eyes sent a searing bolt into Shou's chest.

Shou felt his heart sink as Judai spoke his words out loud. _Friends. That's right, we're friends, and it's me doing things wrong. I'm not seeing things right._

He hadn't been thinking straight when he'd kissed him. Still, his mind remained scrambled, the haze of what he knew was desire tangling up the feelings that already left his head a mess. Something in his head, and it wasn't the usual _voice of the exorcist,_ was calling out, _Judai, Judai, Judai,_ in his head like a cruel mantra.

"…Friends. Yeah, that's right."

He'd never tasted a word so untrue on his tongue. It was the worst word of all in that moment, far from the sweetness he'd always thought of at the thought of Judai being his friend.

"Hey, seriously, what's wrong?" Judai asked, as if unaware. "Well, OK, that was a bit crazy."

 _Crazy?_ It made no sense; Judai had to be just as crazy as him, deep down, because he'd kissed him back, and kissed him a second time -

"But-but you… you did it back." He couldn't think of anything else to say. His heart leapt at the thought that Judai could love him; that he wasn't ashamed of his small, weak, cowardly friend and his impulses, that he could just _maybe_ feel the same way…

"Sorry if it came across in a weird way." Judai sighed, his breaths a giveaway of resting confusion. "I just wanted to try it. I guess… I guess I just wanted to see what it feels like."

Something in Shou's chest began to sting, as if a blow had been dealt with an invisible fist. He shook his head gently, ever-so-slightly, in the hope that Judai wouldn't notice. He couldn't let himself be shamed any further; he'd already been stupid enough to try…

"Wh-what do you mean?" He couldn't stop his own stutter.

Judai hestiated at first, then spoke up again. His hands were shaking; he shifted them so that his palms met the concrete, in search of relieving cold. "I… I didn't know, all right? I mean, I've wondered what it's like, you know, to do that with someone…"

The more he said, the further Shou felt his heart sink, and the sickness forming within him only continued to rise and take over.

"…and I guess I just thought it would be all right to do it again, because I wasn't thinking straight the first time, and you'd done it too, and I thought you'd just wanted to find out as well…"

 _No,_ Shou thought. _No, please. This is not happening. I kissed my best friend, I kissed him and I shouldn't have, and it means nothing to him…_

_It meant nothing. That's it. I shouldn't have done it in the beginning. I'm already a bad sign, just because I exist in the first place, I shouldn't have hoped for anything good…_

"So that's why?" His voice came out weak, more a murmur than anything. It was shameful. "You wanted to try it?"

"Yeah." Judai nodded. "Sorry about that. I guess I just got impulsive."

 _I was the impulsive one, and I just went and destroyed this._ Squeezing his eyes shut and looking down, away from Judai and the temptation of kissing him again and again, Shou wished the ground would swallow him up and not leave a trace.

"That's it, then," he croaked, moving his hand to move his bangs out of the way, and cover the top half of his face.

"What?" Judai cried out.

_Why are you surprised at this? Why did you do it? Why did I - oh my God, I can't take this -_

Ignoring Judai's alarm, Shou kept his gaze away and stood up. He didn't need this. He didn't need anything. Everything was hurting; his focus was spinning, his head aching and hands trembling with guilt, insanity, everything. It was too much to bear; he needed to get away, he couldn't bear to be around him, because it was him and he had already driven him crazy. He had kissed his best friend, and dared to think that he would feel the same way…

There was nothing right about it. He had been a terrible friend. His curse had struck him again.

_Friends don't kiss friends, even if you're the most wonderful friend, and God damn it, you're beautiful. Everything -_

"I'm sorry. I've got to run."

He had to stop thinking about it. Faster than his mind was travelling right now - confused, lost, twisting in the aftermath of the kisses, both of them - he knew he had to run, pushing himself up and refusing to look back. He couldn't look Judai in the face as he turned, looking at the streets ahead instead of back at his friend, as he sprinted in the other direction, not caring if it meant coming home late.

He couldn't listen to Judai, even as he called at him to wait, to come back, even as he tried to apologise. The whole thing made less sense the more he tried to think about Judai: _my friend, my friend_ , he repeated under his breath and out loud, when he was far enough away to do so without him hearing it. _Judai, my friend._

His heart beat faster as he ran, more as he grew tired and more as he found the memories swamping his mind.

He remembered their first meeting, his hand on his, his encouragement, their moments of _unitas_. He remembered the strange jokes he'd heard him make and his eyes in moments of calm and in the midst of a fight.

He remembered the awkward kiss in the dark, warm enough to be a dumb, beautiful sin. He closed his eyes and screamed in his head to forget it. It refused to go, clinging to him like a demon.

He knew it; he couldn't shake off his feelings, neither the feeling of dread nor the perfect, comforting fire he'd felt with Judai so close to him.

 _Judai, Judai._ My friend. God damn it. _Judai, Judai, my friend._

He felt something like tears beginning to sting.

_Judai, forgive me._

The curse had seized him, and a few seconds had been enough for it to retake him. It had been hysteria; more than bad luck in an instant.

More than anything, what was refusing to leave his mind was Judai's warm summer smile, and the wonderful warmth of soft lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'temptation/mistake'
> 
> ...Yeah. There you have it.
> 
> next chapter: keep it in your veins


	16. exsecratio/redemptio

**Fifteen.  
** **_exsecratio/redemptio_ **

It had hurt for several days. It had only got worse.

He'd tossed and turned in bed every morning and night, and every time he got home, he would find himself slumping on in again. It had hurt for too long; every day seemed like a dragging decade. The past four days had been akin to constant the drag of a knife in his flesh.

He'd been wrong. He had been terribly, terribly wrong.

It had been the worst of mistakes, Shou thought. He was an abomination. He was a terrible being. He was everything wrong with the universe, everything chaotic and dangerous and foolish at once.

It had hurt every time he walked through a corridor and glimpsed a dash of muddy-brown hair. He'd found himself turning around every time, hoping he could at least say sorry, and each time, it had been nothing more than another mistake. He was alone, once again, because he couldn't say it out loud, because he couldn't bear facing his friend.

When the one class they shared came, he dared not turn around. Judai did not nudge him from his seat, either.

He didn't leave the house after dark when Tuesday night came. He'd turned off his phone and cried like a fool, soft enough for nobody to hear him and all of his shame.

 _That's it,_ he thought. _It really is all my shame._

It was all he had brought from the start. It was all he could do, bearing the brunt of that painful something that had split him off from his family for the past seventeen years.

His hands had begun to itch by the evening of the fifth day of their separation, as much for the familiar hold of his weapon and the fulfilment of duties as to finally brave things and say sorry.

_Would he listen to me?_

Some part of him knew it was worthless to hope. He'd had his chance to say sorry, and he'd let it slip away. He could never be friends with Judai again, not even if he was to beg.

He had set his standards too high from the beginning. He had kept hope that Judai would be his friend for a long time. He had been able to meet him in synchronisation; hadn't that been a miracle?

 _No._ It had been an exception.

Something had slipped past the filters. They were on again now. It hurt to know that they were still there.

He'd had thoughts, some darker than others, and on the weekend, finally took matters into his own hands, and called. A voice - a friendly one, he hoped it would stay like that even if its owner found out the truth about him - replied. Things had seemed fine on the surface.

He needed to speak to someone. He hoped that she would know something.

If there was anyone who could help him finally save himself from what was around him, it had to be _her._

A few hours passed; each second hurt.

The crowds were there, just like every weekend, every day was the familiar bustle of voices again; so many he couldn't tell who was where, or what anyone wanted, or name the unfitting, strange jazzy tune humming from the cafe's small speakers.

There was a cup in his hand. He'd ordered tea out of habit. He felt ill just looking at it; taking a sip only made his throat clench. He pushed it away, eyes meeting the blank wood of the table.

The girl sitting across from him looked up from her drink, stirring it gently. She put the spoon down as she spoke, the clink making Shou look up instantaneously.

"What's wrong?" Her voice was soft, pooling with what had to be genuine concern. Shou hoped it was true.

_Can anyone really care about me, what with all the bad luck I bring?_

Misfortune had led him to this. Misfortune was the cause of all of his troubles. Good fortune was never the norm; he'd been stupid to think it. _It's a lie; all of it,_ he thought, and he knew it was true.

There was a cause to _misfortune_ , and he had to get rid of it.

He sighed. It was useless to cry, and he wouldn't let himself show the fear that had gathered within him. Asuka already knew he was a failure; he hadn't struggled against her, and she most likely remembered.

"There's something I wanted to ask you. A really big favour." Speaking was like letting his soul spill. He said each word gently, his voice dry and hoarse still from a bad night awake.

"What's up?" She asked, looking on at him. It was as if someone was shining a spotlight onto him, singling him out, even in a busy main-street cafe filled with those who couldn't care less about him. Every glance he made, from side to side, he swore he was seeing prying, sharp eyes beyond vision. "Is it about Judai?"

His conscience fell at the mention. _No,_ he thought, _please. Don't make me think about him._

He looked down again, just for an instant, shutting his eyes and trying to shake free the image of caring brown eyes and comforting hands.

"Asuka." He said her name carefully. "Please. Can you… can you _lift a curse?"_

She was taken aback, at the least. Her eyes widened, hands tensing around the more comforting warmth of her cup.

 _"A curse?"_ She repeated, as if trying to stomach something unpleasant. Then, her brows furrowed a little. "Shou, what's happened?"

Her eyes blazed with intensity. Shou swallowed, nervously. He had never exposed it before. His stomach twisted, knowing what he was about to confide. Asuka would be the first to know something he had wordlessly sworn to never reveal. The words would slip any minute.

He was a terrible person, but what he had hidden was even more terrible.

 _"Everything's happened."_ He shook his head, his head drooping into his hands. "I just thought I could ask you to finally do something about it. There - there's a _curse_ on my clan, and it's been there since I was born."

He let himself breathe. His heart pounded away like a mallet. The taboo had been broken. There was nothing more to hold back; he had already committed the sin.

A curse on a clan was a sickness. It plagued; it haunted, it tormented the hearts and minds, more than the fortunes, of those born and made victims of it. When a curse fell on a clan, it was damnation; when word came out to others, it was worse.

Humans being cursed was excusable. An cursed exorcist was _an abomination._

An entire clan was _obscenity._

The Marufuji were honourable, born of two powerful lines tied together. With one breath, Shou alone had pulled the trigger on all of them.

Asuka's eyes widened, her mouth just agape. Shou sighed, knowing she would move away any moment. But something in her was different; she could not hide the shiver than ran through her, but she did not stand to leave. Her hands pressed against the table.

Her voice was so faint and the sounds she made so quick, Shou could not tell a word. Still, she did not move away from him. Her speech became clearer.

"Shou? It's OK. I'm going to listen. All right? Please."

It jerked him up, out of the trance, but he could not help but shiver as he looked up into Asuka's trembling eyes. Slowly, he nodded.

He couldn't help but think it all some sugar-coated lie, even if she did seem sincere.

He continued, head down as if awaiting his own execution. "I don't know why. We don't talk about it, but…" Hesitating, he prepared himself to say something else, something just as sickening, but this time, more to himself than to Asuka.

"It's all to do with my mother."

Still, she said nothing. If not for the people, so careless, their conversations so empty-headed and dumb, there would have been empty, dead silence surrounding them. Muting them was like wading through a jungle of thistles.

_Please, I hope nobody heard this. Please, don't look. Please, don't point. Please, do not shame me._

He had already been shamed by his father and brother. Their looks had branded him a failure. What he felt now was worse; the fear of a thousand eyes staring, hands pointing, insults and razoring tongues cutting and cutting. A name was being sung by some voice in his mind. He knew he would have to say it, sooner or later, and bear the pain of remembering.

When Asuka spoke up again, it was hesitant, somehow wary, but in her eyes, facts were beginning to make sense. "Ryo never mentioned her…"

It was no surprise. Her name itself was _foul._ He dared not tempt fate.

"My mother hated my father. And my brother, too. That's why she cursed us. She wanted me to bring the whole clan down. _She was evil."_

Shou's voice sank to a dying murmur. "She cursed us. All of us. She pacted with a demon."

It was no use elaborating. All curses came from demons. He did not know what kind his mother had forged a tie with, nor did he know the words her wicked tongue had spoken to make the silent, invisible darkness loom over each of his family members' heads.

"Did you… know her?" Asuka asked, wary.

Shou shook his head. "No. I don't remember. She left us a few months after I was born."

That was true. There were no pictures, no images, nothing to remind anyone in the house that a woman had been there before. What had probably once existed had long since turned to ash. Birth certificates were hidden in closets, in the hope they were never needed. Her name never saw the light.

He continued. "That's why I think I'm connected to it. Why I think she laid the curse specifically on me. So that she could leave, and I'd be the one to bring us all down."

_I could still do that, he thought. I've already brought down everything I had with my best friend._

"I'm sure that that's it. We're cursed, Asuka. It explains things. It explains my bad luck. Why I couldn't fight for a long time." The pricking feeling singed the corners of his eyes, but the tears wouldn't come. His hands shook, palms clammy with sweat on the cold surface of the table. "It explains it. Please. _I need this._ "

His hand tugged with guilt at his shirt. The collar scraped against the back of his neck; he wished it would hurt more than it did. He knew he deserved to feel pain, just because he existed.

"Please. Do you know how I can get rid of it?"

Asuka pushed her cup away, not caring if it went cold. "I… I don't think I can help."

"Why?"

Asuka sighed, honest despair clouding over her voice. "I'm not trained in the third degree yet. It's a difficult art, and I haven't started any training."

"…But you know something, right? Please, tell me, you have to know - "

A shake of the head.

"I'm honest, Shou. I can't."

"Can't you find someone?"

"I don't know anyone. Third-degree people are rare."

"Do you know anything that can help?" He was growing more and more desperate, turning to pleading. He would beg her, grovel, give up his everything. She had to help him. He needed help more than anything else, especially after his greatest mistake -

"I don't. I swear, I haven't found anyone in this entire region who actually practices the third degree." Her voice was genuine, bitter-tasting to stomach, like the tears that threatened to fall from both sets of eyes in a desperate atmosphere. "I've read and heard things about them, but I don't know how I can get rid of one. I've heard it's near impossible to properly kill one anyway."

Shou looked on, helpless, as if something once filled with hope was melting away in his hands. "Please," he begged, "please, just tell me that, then. What do you know about them?"

"There is one thing." Quietly, letting out an uncertain sigh, Asuka fixed her gaze on him exactly."Are you the only carrier?"

Shou had heard neither term before. His father never spoke of curses. What he knew was vague; he'd only learned through closed doors and his own incomplete logic.

He shook his head. "What do you mean? I'm the only one like that seems to be like this."

"If your mother cursed you directly, then you can do something. Most curses aren't permanently fixed until death. If you're the original host - you could try and _transfer_ it, just once."

"Transfer?"

"You can move the curse over to someone. Only once, or it doesn't work."

Shou felt his heart race with excitement and hope. He could be rid of it, but at the same time, he couldn't deny the cost. The more he thought about it, the more the through stewed in his mind, the worse and worse it became…

He finally exclaimed, realising, "Wait, I can't just… give it to somebody else!"

Asuka held a hand out, gesturing for him to calm. "I don't mean _like that._ I mean, with the other person's consent. It'd have to be someone you trust, and you've got to make sure they've consented, and they know what's going to happen."

A shiver ran through Shou, making goosebumps stand on end as he recalled what Daitokuji had told him about soul alchemy. _Another kind of rape_ , he recalled. Taking on somebody's soul without their consent. Transferring his curse would be the same thing.

He couldn't imagine why anyone would want to take a curse for themselves, of all things.

"But then, the other person gets it - "

"There's a way around it. Sometimes, they don't give the same effect when you transfer them. Not with the blood method."

"Huh?" _Blood method?_

" _Blood spills blood twice._ " Asuka said, the rhythm darkly musical on her tongue. "That's how I think it works. You share blood with each other to do it. Like… like _blood brothers._ I think that's where the blood brother thing came from."

Shou objected immediately. "But that's unfair. I can't give somebody my - "

"You won't give it to them, not exactly." Asuka continued, not needing to shush. Shou looked on with desperate hope. "Yes, you'll be relieved of the curse, but what they'll get won't be the exact thing. If a curse passes on with this method, it goes into a dormant state. The other person doesn't get the curse's full effect. Only a side effect. But they have to be especially careful afterwards."

"A side effect? What kind?" He hoped it was better than the jinx of bad luck and misery that had plagued him for seventeen years.

"You have to be careful with who you share blood with. If they're infected with something, you're screwed. Don't do that with people. And that's not the only thing."

Shou gulped.

"There's more with curses. A dormant curse won't give the other person the full effect, but they have side effects. That's how you know it's worked. There are a few different ones I've heard about, but as far as I know, impaired hearing or sight are the most common ones. Oh, and there might be insomnia."

They weren't like the dreadful luck he'd experienced. The side effects were more physical, and all, Shou thought, would be terrible to give. He couldn't do it, not even with every ounce of consent. It wasn't right, giving somebody something like that…

"I… I don't know if I can do that," he confessed.

"There's all of that to consider. And then, you have to be even more careful after it."

"Why?"

"If you share blood again with that person, the curse will come back to you. When it comes back, it's not going to be dormant again. It'll come back in its strongest form, and then _it'll be quick._ "

Shou already suspected what _quick_ meant. Asuka didn't need to say any more. He sighed, already coming to his conclusions.

"…It's all right. I'm not going to do it." Shou spoke up, his voice firmer in tone but on shaking foundations. He could feel his throat drying out in the blank silences between his words. "I can't do that to anyone. And, knowing me, I'll end up failing somehow. I'll just make things worse."

"How do you know?" Asuka chimed.

"I… I don't… But it's the only logical answer." Shou hesitated. His voice trembled. "It has to be. My father hates me. My brother threatened to let me die if I fought. I've just had nothing but trouble. I've been making nothing but trouble for years. It's like I'm unlucky, but it's more than just that. I know it's me that's the problem. I just don't know why it has to be me -"

Asuka's hands reached out, almost toppling over the cup of cooling coffee. Her voice interrupted Shou's mid-breath.

"It's all right, seriously. It's going to be all right."

It wasn't going to be. He had nobody to turn to and nobody who was willing to help him.

"Asuka, please. I need to get rid of it," he repeated, insisting.

"I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry."

It was no use. "So, you can't…"

"I'm really sorry," Asuka looked on, firm but faltering, desperation in her eyes making both of them tense and at the same time, knowing they had to give up. There was nothing but hopelessness.

"It's all right."

"I wish I knew. I've said what I do know, but I know it isn't enough. But I can't…"

"It's all right," Shou said again, this time harder than before. He hadn't meant to sound hostile. It was all getting to him; all of the strain, all of the knowledge that he was lost in his curse and he had no hope. "It's all right."

He didn't finish his drink. His bangs fell forward, hiding his eyes and the old sting of tears as he stood up and murmured a quick, apologetic goodbye.

It was too much, and nobody's strength was enough.

As he walked away, desperately needing comfort but knowing he would never obtain it, he looked away from the warmth of the coffee house, his head down and hands in his pockets. He couldn't go back to Asuka. There was nothing left for him.

He felt the last trace of hope he'd had of recovering his friendship with Judai slither away, far out of reach.

Something slightly burned at the corners of his eyes. He let it fall, not caring if anyone saw it, not caring if he would be shamed.

Judai was gone. Asuka could do nothing. Ryo hated him still, as did his father.

From the tone of his hair to the green-grey mist in his eyes, and the curse that had destroyed all of the fortune he'd ever had, he was, and would always be, just a cruel puppet of the would-be destroyer of the whole clan.

That night, he dreamt of the woman with no face again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'curse/redemption'
> 
> A short one this time - this was meant to be one chapter, but got split. I'm going to go back and edit my past author's notes too.
> 
> next chapter: don't be angry, it's not good for you


	17. iracundia/destitutio

**Sixteen.  
** **_iracundia/destitutio_ **

He'd had to shake off the illusion more than a few times in the days that had passed, convincing himself there were no creeping fingertips touching his face, or sharp, painted nails digging into his scalp.

He'd prayed in the darkness that his brother had not heard him scream.

The bad dreams had grown more persistent, more clinging, more pressing on every last part of him, since he had made the mistake of kissing Judai. Their grip hadn't loosened. They had only grown more sinister since Asuka had told him the truth.

He still had the option of transferring his curse, but no partner. He couldn't give it unfairly, not unless somebody was willing to take it.

A dark thought had slipped into his mind once, of making the tiniest cut on some stranger and letting the curse out and into unfamiliar veins. The guilt from thinking it alone had made him sick.

 _No,_ he repeated. _I can't do it. There's no-one to go to. Father's let it fester on me for seventeen years, and Ryo probably knows too, and he's made sure I know as little as possible about it. They wanted to keep me from transferring it,_ Shou realised.

_Did they just want the curse to stay on me? Why? Who not let it go to somebody else?_

_They hate me,_ he thought. They really do hate me. _They've always wanted me to suffer. They told me I'm just like my mother._

He'd heard bare details through thin walls, when voices hadn't been quiet enough.

He had never known his mother. He knew she was vile, but couldn't help but imagine her to have been beautiful, too.

_She seduced Father and gave us a curse, and targeted me, because she wanted me to have misfortune for all of my life. My mother was evil._

He could never forgive himself for what he'd done to Judai, and how he had made his friend suffer. He'd kept his phone off for days. He couldn't bear to look at it and see any messages. It was too much; everything was too much. The world was too much, the haze of not sleeping, the heaviness in his chest whenever he thought of warm hands.

Everything, in just one instant -

Alone, in his room, the walls felt as if they were closing in.

He needed to breathe. He needed to be outside. His hands were longing to take hold of something long and metallic and shining, his senses longing to see exorcist light and hear his blade swing through the air as it cut through mist and the screeching of shadows. The feeling tugged at his heartstrings.

 _I know I'm unlucky,_ he thought. _I know all I'll ever have is failure being rubbed in my face._

 _Maybe,_ a voice crooned in his ears, _you just need to accept that._

It wasn't so much as forcing himself out of the house as it was fulfilling a need, a craving in the pit of his stomach. As soon as the door was shut behind him and the coast was clear to run, he let himself sprint. He inhaled pleasant air, heard nothing but his own breaths, and the way the voice in his head sang with knowledge, acceptance and freedom.

 _Accept it! Take it all, and love the pain you are given!_ His consciousness echoed, soft but urging, almost electric, and it all felt so pleasant. _You're like her - it's a wonderful blessing! Use what you have! Use it, and you could destroy so much!_

_Destroy. Just like her. Have your vengeance on the people that made your life hell._

Shou gulped. Destroying his family seemed a little excessive. He had felt anger towards them, but the dread and the fear of _pure hartred_ was hard to face.

 _No. I_ am _just like her._

Maybe the thought was more truth than lie. He was like his mother, from the shade of his hair - so his brother had said - to the tone of his eyes. He brought misfortune with him, and he was tied to the curse she had left him. She was destruction, and he, too, was chaos. He was just like his mother, even in spirit. He had to accept his role.

His mother had gone. He was alive, too; neither one had been beaten by the Marufuji. If accepting his curse meant knowing he had beaten his own clan and their spiteful words, then he would accept his fate, and he would do more than that, too.

_I am the curse of the clan, and the curse is me in itself. I can't live by the clan's rules, and I won't do that. I'll go my own way, even if that means spilling blood._

_My blood is cursed blood. The world can know that for all I care; they will fear me, and I will not fear them._

"Shou."

He stopped, turning around with a gasp. He knew the voice's owner.

He had been followed. Ryo stood behind, the angles of his face jagged under the harshness of a street light. He was entirely in black. Even with the odd light and the darkness surrounding them, Shou could make out his serious gaze and the furrowing of his brow, even if something strangely gentle was there too, all at once, but why and what exactly, he could not comprehend.

He tried to compose himself, breaths hitched and his heart racing, and not only from his brief run into the streets, into the comfort of darkness.

"Brother." It was the only thing he could say.

Ryo approached, his footsteps steady on the concrete. There was still silence; nothing but steps. Shou felt his feet almost stick to the solid ground; he couldn't bear to move.

"I knew it. There was never any use in keeping you restrained." Ryo sighed, fatigue tinging his voice with soft mellowness. "Not when you're so determined to leave your mark out there."

Shou said nothing. He gritted his teeth, hands balling into fists, as if by reflex.

His brother continued. "I know it's hard. But it's for your own safety. Shou, come back. Don't put yourself at risk."

 _No, I'm not -_ "You're saying I'm weak, aren't I?"

The words were sudden. Shou had no idea what had hit him in that daring instant. He felt immediate regret at his action.

At the same time, something was spurring him on.

"Shou, please. It's not safe for you out there. Come back - "

"Don't say that! What do you know? You don't know anything!" He shouted, not caring who heard. His brother would hear it, and he'd learn it was true. Shou knew it, even if he wasn't certain of his bravery; he had improved, and he was capable, and he was destruction itself - bad luck and chaos was his fate, but he'd spread that destruction to those who had hurt him.

Why Ryo's voice was so docile, so soft and not singed with anger, he just couldn't understand.

"Shou, it's to keep you safe - "

"Don't even say it! You're lying! You've all been lying to me, treating me like I'm a shame to you all. I am a shame, aren't I?"

"Shou, what's gotten into you? You don't understand what you're saying - "

Shou scowled. He understood. He knew he did. Everything was making sense in his mind, the pieces fitting together as sweetly as sin. "…You're going to tell me I'm like her, aren't I?"

Ryo flinched. Seeing that instant of fear only made the rush of it thrilling.

"Because I'm like her? Because she went against the clan? Because she cursed us? Because I'm just like _that witch,_ aren't I?"

He was cursed; his fate had been sealed from the start. They would stare at him and refuse to meet his gaze, both at once, they would spit in his direction and hide away their young ones. No clan would offer him any form of alliance, and he would have no chance of finding a clanborn bride.

He would spit on marriage, and destroy whatever came between him and his right to existence.

The wind was sweet on his tongue. He couldn't help but smile. He was cursed, and free. Nobody would drag him down ever again. He was an abomination, a wretch, the worst kind of disgrace, and it was time for him to accept it.

He would love it, too, with all of his heart.

When Ryo spoke again, it was quieter, but at the same time, harsher. In his feet was the tension of a fighter about to spring into battle.

"Shou. Don't compare yourself - "

"No. I will."

They couldn't rid himself of that curse. He would bring misfortune and ruin on the clan he had been born into. They had kept him alive simply because they were humans, too, and they could not kill a blood relative, but he was a _shameful_ blood relative and a stain on the clan's stark-white reputation. Shou Marufuji was a curse in himself, from the start to the end; he was the target, but only one of its victims. He was the one chosen and cursed by the woman with nothing but hate in her heart.

After all, they had never hidden the truth. He had both his mother's pale hair, and her mist-and-murk eyes.

"That's right. _I'm_ the curse she left on us, right?"

He was never going to deny it again. He had been born cursed and would die cursed, and in the end, it wouldn't matter what happened to the rest of the clan. He had been born into it so that it would die with him.

 _Yes,_ he decided, fire hot in the blood that stormed through his veins. _I just have to accept the facts, just like Father said in the past._

He was going to take the curse into his hands, and embrace the suffering that he had brought into the world with his existence. He would let the clan burn, and then burn out himself. Judai was gone, and there were no reasons to comply with the clan's age-worn desires.

He was the curse of the Marufuji clan. The curse and he were one and the same. He was the first of its hosts, and the last.

He had heard the woman's name through thin walls. The thought that he knew made his chest swell with pride.

His brother called out his name again. His brows had come together in slight anger, though the tone of his voice commanded more than outright resented. "Shou, don't say things like that - "

"I'm going to say what I like," Shou lashed out, a slow smile creeping onto his face. "I'm going to say what I feel like, and you aren't going to stop me. You did say you won't interfere any more, _right?"_

His voice shifted slightly, turning the last remark into a tease. There was something darkly amusing, even thrilling about it; the excitement flowing through him and energy almost flared up to a crackle. It was distorting, delightful somehow - not cyclical and fluid, like _unitas-concordia_ , but selfish, only for himself.

He knew her name; the name of the only one who had loved him. She had given him the greatest of gifts. It was there in his hands, and it was there to destroy, and he would take pleasure in that destruction.

It felt wonderful to be loved.

"After all, aren't I just like her? _Like Saya?"_

His brother clenched his teeth at the mention of the name.

"Shou." Ryo stated, repeating."Shou, do you realise what you're saying?"

Shou couldn't back down. He couldn't stop, even if he tried to restrain himself. "I do. I said, you can say what you like. Her name is Saya, isn't it?"

"Shou - "

"I don't _care_ if I look like her!" Shou spat back, hairs bristling on end. "And you can say her name if you like. _Her name is Saya, and I look like her!"_

He could see Ryo flinch nonetheless, no matter how often he repeated the name; and that was all he wanted, to say the name over and over, whether it made his brother uncomfortable or not. The name had power, but he wasn't scared of two syllables, or the image it brought out in his family's mind. He was too young to remember her himself, and he'd never known her, but that made it easier for him - he could say the name as much as he liked without seeing the flash of eyes or the waving of hair in the wind, and he wasn't going to let anyone hurt him with their comparisons of her to him.

"Saya, that's her name! Saya, _Saya!_ If you're going to say I'm anything like her, you might as well get used to saying her name! _Saya!"_

It was pleasurable about hurting Ryo like this, with nothing but a short word; nothing but a woman's name said over and over again. The name was a weapon in his hands, and Ryo was helpless against the stab of him saying it. His brother - so strong, someone he'd once idolised - was weakened by words, words that pleased Shou in a way he couldn't comprehend, but in that instant, it was so pleasant, for once.

When Ryo finally spoke again, it was in the aftermath of Shou's spite, the distance between the two vile and unbearable.

"…Are you happy, then? You've said that name enough. Did you want something from it?"

The look in Ryo's eyes was cold as steel. He'd crossed his arms, refusing to give anything to his brother. Not even compassion was something he was willing to share at that moment.

"No." Shou hissed back. "I just wanted to tell you that I don't care."

"About what?" Ryo pressed.

"About _Saya._ You can tell me I'm like her for all you like. You can say what you like. But I'm still me. I'm the very curse that she left. And no matter what you say, I'm still doing what I think is right."

There was silence. Neither brother made a sound, continuing to stare at each other in the dark. Neither dared to budge, staring at one another, as if waiting for the other to budge, surrendering their struggle.

Shou couldn't bear to surrender to his brother. Anger - teasing, mad anger - seared through him. It filled him with fire, and he was refusing to back down from the challenge his brother was clearly trying to issue. He'd let Ryo's words rule over him for years, and being younger and weaker wasn't going to get in the way any more - he wouldn't let it. This time, his brother would listen.

His father hadn't listened. His brother would, at least, and if not, then he would make his brother respect him.

He'd learned to fight, in the end. He'd rebelled against the clan when they had restricted him. They had seen him as more curse than child, and he had accepted that part of himself. He would fight for that independence.

If it came to that, then he would take his weapon and bear it. He would fight for his own dignity, even if it meant standing up against his own brother, and the _Soul of the Kaiser_.

"…You're stubborn," was all Ryo said, barely louder than a murmur. He still seemed distant, unimpressed. Shou gritted his teeth, frustration apparent.

"Am I still useless to you?"

"You're stubborn to a fault, Shou. Back down now, before things get violent. I don't want things to be like this."

"They might have to be," Shou yelled. "I'm not going to leave until you tell me you were mistaken." Instinctively, he reached his hand out, calling in his mind for white fire. "Until you apologise to me, for all that you've said to me."

"Shou. I know I've been harsh." Ryo's voice slowed, his shoulders slumping in resignation. "But you have to listen to me. You're not strong enough to stay out there."

"What do you know about me? You never cared about me." Shou stated, the grip on his pseudo-weapon growing tighter. All you ever did was tell me to stay back. You don't care, do you? You wish I was never born, right?"

He was right; there was no other explanation. His own family had left him cursed, left him to suffer, not killing him because he was human like them, but not letting go of the curse, not even to some worthless stranger - "You never loved me, I know that!"

"Shou, this is not the time for conflict - "

"I know I'm bad! I know I'm wrong and I know I'm nothing but a burden to you! I can't even do anything right, can I?" Shou didn't stop; he wouldn't and couldn't. "But I've had it. I'm going to accept it. I'm going to continue existing. I can do that, can't I?"

He ignored Ryo. Whatever sound his brother made - shock, disgust, confusion - he didn't want to hear it.

"Nobody can stop me," he said, his stance shifting. It was now or never. "I'm like her, aren't I? Go ahead and _take measures."_

Ryo was never one to back down from challenges. In the sharpness of the eyes Shou had often wished he had inherited, something was stirring. In every muscle, in the tension of his brother's hands were signs; signs that something was coming.

"I'm sorry I have to do this," Ryo said, then stretched out one hand.

Shou couldn't run, but he could step back. It wasn't enough.

Pale golden light snaked around his torso, faster than he could escape or even just move; then, in the blink of an eye, he saw the coil twist and form another shape, more than just a rope or a ribbon. Links, small and intricate, each one perfect, took form, the familiar acid-burn starting to dig into his stomach and force his arms down, almost gluing them to his sides.

His brother's expression had not even changed.

 _Does it matter to you, that you're chaining_ me?

He felt the squeeze and the burn, the familiar feeling of shame stinging through clothing and skin. Every link of chain dug in, the feeling making him grit his teeth in an attempt to bear it. He hated it; hated the shame, hated everything being chained represented, not just being restrained but humiliated, by his own sibling no less -

_I won't take this, I won't accept this!_

Groaning, he tried to shake off the binds. They didn't shift, not one inch.

His brother's voice, cutting through the pain, was what hurt the most. How he was so calm, even now, made no sense. "Shou, just stop this. I'll let you go."

He didn't want to. What was the point in obeying? His entire existence was in the name of destroying them all -

"No…"

It hurt to fight against it, but he had to. He had to.

"Shou, do not do this - "

"Don't tell me what to do."

"I'm trying to keep you safe."

"You're trying to keep me _caged._ " He almost spat back, his muscles screaming under the tightness of the chains.

"It's important - "

"No, it isn't. It isn't." He had to resist, he had to, in the name of his own pride, in the name of everything he'd done and the things he had done to disprove his family's words; he had not been useless in the end, he had killed shadows and fought without bloodshed, not even his own -

"We're doing it to protect you - "

"Then don't protect me ever again!"

There was a snap. Something shining fell to the ground, disappearing as quickly as sparks. Shou felt air in his lungs again and inhaled sweet freedom. His gaze, no longer glued to the ground, focused again on his brother. What was within steely green eyes, he could no longer tell.

There was silence again, just like when they had first come across one another. One was regaining his breath, the other keeping composed in spite of the shock he had seen.

The chains were gone. Only seconds ago had they fallen.

Ryo muttered something under his breath; Shou knew it to be some kind of swear.

"…Damn it," was all he heard his brother saying out loud. "How did you -"

"I'm not as weak as you've always said that I am." Shou stared back, masking the storm of questions plaguing his mind. Breaking the chains was something he had hoped and wished he would do, but he had not expected to be successful.

At the very least, he could breathe again, and the burning sensation had disappeared with the pale golden links. He had shown Ryo something, too.

_Now you've got to believe me._

"I still can't let you go out there." Still, his brother's voice was unrelenting. He could hear the uncertainty in it, but nothing said that Ryo was about to give up. "I said we wouldn't help you again. I… I thought that would have been enough to discourage you."

 _It had._ Shou sighed, recalling his determination. He'd promised himself he would abandon his efforts. He would never go out there again with a weapon. He would not dare call himself an exorcist ever again.

"No. I'm not giving up on it." He shook his head, not daring to tell his brother the truth; the reason he'd picked up the weapon again. He wanted to forget the reason himself; forget the confident voice and the sharp eyes and the skill in the alchemist's hands.

He wasn't going to give up what he had fought for. He wasn't going to give up his reason for living, either.

When Ryo drew back his hand, he knew what was coming. In that hand was a flash. The chains had not been enough; his brother was turning on the offensive -

"You did it for somebody else. I know, Shou. _I've seen all of it_."

Shou's heart nearly stopped. He fought back a gasp.

"I've seen you."

_No, what, you haven't been, you can't have been -_

"I've seen you with the alchemist."

_You know about him? About what he is? About what we did?_

"I know about all of it. And I'm not letting him _drag you to death."_

_"Don't talk about him!"_

He couldn't take this, not any longer. His fists clenched so hard he felt they would bleed, signals firing in all directions. His breaths were harsh, desperate; his heart beat like a snare in his chest.

Soft light grew harsh, sharp, twisting between his fingers and gathering into the form of his weapon. Its warm glow sent a surge of energy through him; that energy, and the fire scorching away at his soul told him he could not lose, would not be allowed to lose; he would not stand down, not to the one who had shamed him and was refusing to listen and saying all of these things -

_Don't talk about him, don't talk about him! Don't mention him!_

His pseudo-weapon took shape, cold shining metal comfortably falling into his hand. He saw his brother do the same, the blue-silver steel of the Soul of the Kaiser glistening with moonlight and artificial light from the street, cutting through both. Even in undignified settings, it was majestic; a powerful weapon in the hands of a talented master, and it was about to point at him -

Shou leapt back just in time, grasping at his weapon with fury. He wasn't going to let this beat him. Not even the family weapon would - he couldn't allow it, not for his pride -

A silver-blue flash came down before him, and he parried the blow. The shaft of his polearm took the blow, but the shaking resonated into his hands.

He had to avoid it, even if it meant going back and back. The Soul's blade swept just above him, and he ducked, just in time. It had come close; too close for comfort. Shou swallowed with fear, trying not to think of what would have happened had it been too late.

He could see the sternness in Ryo's face as he came closer, not letting him have even a second to breathe. His brother was older by nearly two years, and much stronger and taller; he had spent years fighting and killing. Not an ounce of fear was there, not one shake. Ryo was flawless, and Shou felt his hands tremble as his weapon - he was sure of it, a pseudo-weapon was far weaker than the real thing it mimicked - took another blow from the silver-blue blade.

He forced himself to jump to one side again, trying to not cry out with panic. He was falling behind. Even with the practice he'd had with Judai, it wasn't enough. Ryo was confident, strong and relentless. His movements were far more precise, and Shou knew he would be forced back to a wall soon if he didn't try harder.

They had space around them, but if he was forced back - it would all be over, shamefully so. He wouldn't let it happen - couldn't let it!

He could feel Ryo's breaths, too close, too harsh. He wasn't relaxing - but Shou knew he was slowing down himself. He could feel his arms beginning to ache with pressure and the feeling of holding them up; it was as if his weapon was heavier than before -

One slash. It struck, and he cried out in pain. His forearm stung. A perfect, horizontal red line ran through pale flesh. Fluid dripped down.

Shou bit his lip, gasping. He had to bear it. This wasn't the end of it, _he couldn't let it!_

Ryo pulled back the Soul of the Kaiser a little, as if giving him space to breathe. Shou winced, not so much at the sting and the pain, but at his brother's expression, at the way he seemed to relax, as if about to put down the weapon.

Ryo looked on. One empty hand reached down into his pocket. Shou couldn't see what he was taking out, not at first, but when the light hit it, his eyes widened.

Reaching out to him, his brother pressed a palm to the slash on his forearm.

"Let's stop this," he breathed. "Shou, let's end it now."

It took a few moments for Shou to realise what Ryo was doing. His hand wasn't squeezing. He was stopping the bleeding.

Ryo was showing mercy to him. Had he grown tired? Was he stressed out? Why was he looking at him? Why was he ending things when neither one of them had been beaten to shreds?

_No, damn you, don't treat me like this! I'm still your enemy. I'll be worse than this, just don't give me that look. You don't love me, not really. I'm your opponent, I'm the curse on our family - I'm the one you've always looked down on - don't look at me like I'm only your brother, that's lying!_

_You never loved me!_

Ryo held on. Shou could see his blood staining his brother's hand.

He hated those lies, the fake looks of care on his brother's face, the concern in the shake of his hand as it held on to him, pressed against blood. They were false - all of them, lies, and he knew it. His father and brother had kept him alive, and bearing the curse, all of these years. Nothing about it screamed love; it was nothing but torture, and they'd looked down on him so long it hurt to even speak to them about something mundane.

_My mother didn't give up; she left a curse on us, and the curse is still here, just as it was at the start - I'm like that curse, I can't just give up!_

The idea beginning to emerge in his head was far from a safe one. He had to do it, if it meant saving himself.

_There's a gap there!_

Shou gritted his teeth. He wasn't going to let Ryo get the better of him.

Without warning, he swatted away the hand on his arm. The pain from the cut only stung more as he moved; he almost cried out, feeling the air on it again, but bit his lip, forcing himself to keep his mouth shut.

He ducked, his polearm losing form in his hands and turning to pale golden dust. The gap was still there. He saw it, then focused - right under Ryo's arm, on the opposite side of the weapon his brother still held in one hand.

Twisting around, he rushed forward, then skidded.

Ryo hadn't expected it, and now he was too close to the wall to turn around without his blade scraping.

Quickly, the sparks reformed in Shou's hands, coiling into the shaft of his pseudo-weapon, the blade coming last. He held on with both hands, keeping it to one side, away from his brother. He didn't care if it wasn't perfect this time - he needed it, just in case -

_I did this once - work again, please!_

With all the might he had on one side, he slammed himself into Ryo, knocking him off balance. One foot kicked out, hitting the Soul of the Kaiser out of his brother's grasp, even just for a moment.

One moment had been enough. It didn't fade out, not like the fragile form of Shou's pseudo-weapon. It stayed, hitting the wall - and then, it fell back.

He heard a gasp and a groan, briefly wincing away and shutting his eyes. When they were open again, the Soul of the Kaiser was nothing but disappearing sparks.

Cursing with pain, Ryo looked over his shoulder. His brother groaned, slouching. Instinctively, his hand had already pressed to the injured shoulder. Shou stepped back on instinct, seeing venomous eyes.

It hit him, so suddenly, amongst scattered, pained breaths.

The haze was clearing. He didn't want to believe it. Only now was it becoming clear, as his rage dissipated. It hurt to see his brother like this. It hurt to see him in pain, and his brother was bleeding.

 _I called you my enemy. God, no_ , Shou thought. _I didn't mean it._

His chest was rushing, his heart aflame. It hurt to look at Ryo. It hurt to see him. It hurt to know that he'd done such a thing.

_What have I done? What was I doing? Why did I -_

He knew perfectly well why he'd hurt him. He'd made his brother bleed. It wasn't something he had ever done. He had gone too far. He'd gone as far as to actually hurt someone - a living being, a human. His brother, the one he had always looked up to.

He wanted to say something. His throat felt stiff, paralysed. He couldn't bear the silence. The pressure was everywhere. He couldn't do it. He couldn't, not after everything -

_No wonder everyone hates me!_

It was too much, and he ran.

He ran, teeth against his lip, holding back sickness and regret; so much regret. He'd lashed out at his brother. He had, for a few moments, stooped so low as to want to let his brother die by his hand.

Shou didn't look back. He didn't want to speak. He couldn't bear to see it. What he'd done left him hollow, the taste on his tongue vile and bitter.

Left behind, Ryo groaned, clutching his shoulder with a hand soaked in blood.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'resentment/betrayal'
> 
> next chapter: stop coughing


	18. aspectus/congeria

**Seventeen.  
** **_aspectus/congeria_ **

When Shou woke up the following morning, his world had changed. He _saw_ that it had.

The first thing he had seen was a blur, like always. He had slept terribly, tossing and turning. Something had been plaguing him, like an unsettling dream, in his stomach and his head and his back, then something in his skull, burning like acid. He remembered the feelings, but not the visions, if there had been any anyway. It was rare for him to remember his dreams, unless they had been nightmares.

He yawned, fatigue still present. Awakening was a small struggle in itself. He rubbed his eyes, and looked around the room.

Something had changed.

Everything was new.

What was it? He wasn't sure, but something was definitely different. This morning, the morning after he had fought in the night with his brother, something was strange. Neither wrong nor right, at first, it made no sense, but he knew it regardless.

_What was it?_

He rubbed his eyes again. This time, he looked around, from the walls to the chalky-white ceiling. Pale light, the light of the morning, streamed in between shade-coloured curtains. The desk was littered with papers he had foolishly left, having forgotten to finish some calculus problems. The numbers themselves made little sense, even when the figures were crystal-clear on the paper.

He sighed. He'd have time to finish.

The morning was normal. Aside from slight soreness, having tossed and turned in his sleep through the night, and the red, thin-line cut between his hand and his elbow, things were as they had been. There was light in the room and shade in the corners.

Still, something was wrong.

It was only when Shou stood up, a little shaky but otherwise tolerant, that he blinked, and he realised it.

He had to rub his eyes again. Then, his hands traced his nose, then the rest of his face. He looked back, then pinched himself.

He did it again. Nothing changed.

What he was seeing was there. It wasn't a dream.

He gasped, then ran to the bathroom. Locking the door, his eyes were glued to the mirror.

His breaths sped up, both thrilled and somehow confused at the possibility he'd discovered. He moved his head, closed his eyes and opened them again, blinking a few times more to adjust, expression shifting into halfway between a gasp and a smile. The person he saw in the mirror looked back, exactly the same, and yet different than what he was used to, as if the idea he could see before him was something impossible.

"No way."

He was seeing things. _Seeing._

It wasn't right, not at all. He rubbed his eyes in horror. As much as he tried to dispel it, nothing faded away.

What he was seeing was still there in the mirror. Turing around, he almost cried out in disbelief. He was seeing things. Everything was crystal-clear. His room was around him, just as it had been the previous night, when he had taken off his glasses before sleep.

The headache from before had dispersed. It wasn't on his mind.

What was on his mind was the fact that he was _seeing things_ , and he knew it couldn't be possible.

The world was clear, darkly beautiful. Even if he blinked and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and even pinched himself, the sight remained. He paused to comprehend the idea.

_Sight. Actual sight. I'm actually seeing._

When he had rubbed his eyes, his hands hadn't brushed past glass or plastic, or anything at all. His reflection gave him proof of what just couldn't be called a dream any more.

He was seeing. His vision was clear.

His glasses still lay on the desk in his bedroom.

* * *

"Are you wearing contacts?"

Misawa's question had jerked him out of his own thoughts - on exactly the topic of how he was seeing.

By instinct, he was still reaching for the bridge of his nose very now and then, to scratch at an itch that just wasn't there any more. Some part of him thought he was still dreaming. He had never been popular nor one who stood out too much in class, and to his relief, it was the way things had stayed. He hadn't had many questions.

There had been a few compliments, a few odd looks, but nothing special. He hadn't crossed paths with Judai, either.

He wondered what Judai would have said, had he seen him that morning. Would he have said he looked better? Would he have even wanted to talk to him, after the things he hadn't apologised for a week in the past?

Shou shook his head free of the thought. It didn't matter. Judai didn't see him as anything more than a friend. He had been a minor experiment; that was all that Judai's reply kiss had been.

"Y-yeah." Shou lied, smiling innocently. "Finally plucked up the courage to get them."

Misawa glanced at him uncertainly. "You said you couldn't wear them for years."

Shou nearly fell into panic. That had been true. He'd asked about contacts years ago, when he had naively first dreamed of being an exorcist. He had become sick of his glasses slipping and all the rest of the fuss that came with them, and asked about lenses. _Had things been simpler,_ he thought, _I'd have been wearing them for a long time._

He'd gotten his hopes up, just like with everything. He'd been scared of wearing them, but he knew he would have to.

One eye test later, he was forced to give up the dream.

What had happened overnight, Shou didn't know. Some part of him thought of a miracle.

Looking back at Misawa, he knew the lying had to continue. "I… finally got ones that work."

He had been lying to him for months, and he dreaded it. With most of his free time being spent with Judai, he had seen his old classmate less and less frequently. He had been there in lessons, and they shared answers now and then for equations - Misawa was excellent - but there had been changes, for definite. Shou hadn't been to the chess club since some lonely day in September.

He'd been the last to know things as always; Misawa had somehow won Taniya over. Both old friends had become engrossed in their own things. Misawa had someone; Shou had a battle to fight after dark. Misawa had secrets, even if they were nothing like the ones Shou hid away.

"That's great, huh?" Misawa smiled, giving him a pat on the back. It wasn't something Shou had expected of him; Misawa had been the reserved kind for as long as he'd known him. Shou thought of Taniya, and wondered if the basketball player had changed him.

 _Did Judai change me?_ Deep down, the longer he thought, the more he knew that it had to be true. If not for Judai, he would have stuck to his family's orders, and given up on something he knew was still within reach. He fought as an exorcist now, one with some skill. His weapon no longer felt stiff in his hands; whenever he called it, he felt the energies flow and extend from within him, and the pseudo-weapon polearm felt like part of him now. It would shine in the darkness and cleave through shadows with ease.

He had learned to hunt down the darkness, though he had not kept count of his kills. He had tried to, but had lost count too quickly.

Judai had never kept count, either. It was something he'd never felt a need to do, for neither glory nor honour.

 _Judai,_ Shou thought, _damn Judai. Why do things have to be so complicated with you?_

He had Misawa sometimes, but Misawa wasn't someone he could ever truly talk to. He had Taniya, in the end, and he'd spent more and more of his afternoons cheering her on whenever she played. Even the weekends had become a rare talking occasion. Part of Shou knew it was his fault, as much as Misawa's; both of them had moved on.

He had to move on after Judai. Judai had been a good friend, and a talented partner.

He had been the worst mistake, and the best friend he'd had, all at the same time.

* * *

It was the same story the following morning, and the day after it.

When Shou had shut his eyes for the night, he had silently prayed that things would reset. The lack of glasses unsettled him still. If what he had been seeing all day had been nothing but a dream, then, he hoped, he would go to sleep and wake up in reality. He would be near-blind again as soon as he really woke up.

When he did, nothing had changed. He was still seeing clearly. He rubbed his eyes, pinched himself, splashed himself with water, and nothing was working. He really was in the real world. If it was all an illusion, then he thought it to be an impossibly intricate one.

On the fourth day of clear vision, he forced himself up. He had to take action, even if he was scared, and a little in pain.

There had been no messages, not even glances in the corridor, nothing from Judai again. The one class they shared had been silent. It was hard to deny that it hurt, just like it was to deny the strange reality he saw before him.

Reality was making no sense.

He had been careful to avoid Ryo, fearing revenge. Fortune, for once, had been with him. Through the walls, he had heard telltale signs that his brother was ill. He had heard coughing, frequent and loud; it was a relief, knowing he would not likely come out hunting for him.

He could not remember the last time Ryo had ever been ill, but luck was with him for once. He was safe, free to run. He was far from the gaze of his brother.

He needed answers again. It was too strange, too sudden. First _, unitas._ Then, he had kissed Judai. He had accepted the curse that he had been housing for years. He had wounded his brother, even if he had not swung the weapon himself. Then, his eyes had suddenly cleared.

He thought of asking Daitokuji, recalling the knowledgeable alchemist. He had been kind, and had known enough to explain the systems of alchemy without so much as one glance into the many books on his shelves.

_Daitokuji would know. But he's far. And I need to talk to someone in the flesh, not just by phone. They need to see this._

He thought for a second. There was an alternative, one he could go see first at the least.

_Do I tell Asuka?_

It was an obvious choice. She was close to him, and she knew of his curse. She hadn't looked at him with disgust, or backed off when he had made the decision to tell her. Her brother was older, and knew Ryo, but Asuka…

Asuka was more definite. She would be able to help. _Even bare knowledge of the third degree,_ he thought, _might be useful. Asuka has that._

_She's… she's my friend too, and I trust her._

Still, he couldn't deny that there was a difference in feelings. What he felt for Judai tugged at his chest and made his heart race. Asuka was calm, more soothing, sharp when she wanted to be, but also more stable, more… _platonic,_ he realised.

He sent her a message, and waited, crossing his fingers that she would reply. He knew that Asuka danced, but he could not remember what days she had practice. He hoped, more than anything, that it was not today.

It was strange, he admitted, that Judai had not even messaged him. Was he feeling bad for what had happened? Was he sick? Was he trying to get away from him, this creep who had made a move on him? Was he going to leave him forever?

Some part of him wanted to see him still, to apologise and ask to be friends again. He had changed his life, made him stronger; they had a bond, strong even without the miracle of _unitas-concordia_ binding their souls into synchronisation. That, too, Shou thought, was valuable, though his partner was the most crucial thing.

Judai was still his _unitas_ partner. They still had soul chemistry, even if they would never have chemistry of a different kind; the kind Shou had been a fool to desire.

He had to speak to him again. When he was strong enough to have moved on from how amazing their kisses had felt, he would do it.

He couldn't yet push aside the fast beats of his heart, and the feeling of Judai's hand clasping his, as stupid as it seemed. He hated himself for it.

And yet, forcing himself to forget it all was a lie. Judai had been a valuable friend, one he could never put aside. Not after everything.

Sighing, Shou made the decision, that as soon as he came back from his meeting with Asuka, he would call him. He would say sorry. He would make it all up to him. He had been reckless, too. He needed to make amends with his best friend and companion.

 _Will you still want to be friends?_ He thought to himself. _Will you accept me, even if I have these dumb feelings? Can we still work on our unitas, even if we have to hold hands? And I like it more than I should? Will you… read my thoughts and know what's going on with me? Will you be ashamed?_

The sound of his phone disturbed the silence, and his thinking. There was a message. He sighed with relief, seeing Asuka's name.

_Same place, half an hour?_

It was perfect. Luck was on his side again.

…he left the house quickly, without so much as a glance around him. Ryo knew everything - too much, he realised. It was still sickening, knowing that keeping everything secret had amounted to nothing. His father was out. Ryo was somewhere in his room -

hoarse coughs resonated through the walls. A familiar tone in the throat. There was another sound, something hitting the floor. A splutter.

Ryo was there. His question was answered. What had fallen down, Shou wasn't sure of, but it wasn't important, he decided.

He shrugged it aside. He was free now.

He checked the time on his phone again, just to make sure, then slipped it back into his pocket, and out of instinct and just wanting to be as far away as possible from Ryo, he ran.

* * *

"So, that's what happened. I just woke up, and that's it. I can see."

It was still a little hard to accept, no matter how often he said it.

Across the table, Asuka looked on, intrigued. The first thing she had done, once she had noticed, was compliment him on his new contacts. Once they'd sat down and he'd begun to explain, her eyes had widened with wonder.

"Have you tried putting your glasses on again?" She asked.

Shou nodded. He had done it twice that day already. His nose still felt odd without the familiar feel of them. "Yeah. It hurts to look through them now."

"So, you think it's a physical change?"

"Physical? It's my eyes - "

"As in, not to do with the supernatural."

 _Good point,_ Shou thought. _I hadn't thought about that. If this has to do with the curse…_

He swallowed, hoping it really had been a miracle and nothing else. The last thing he wanted was a chain of bad consequences.

"I'm not sure. It just seems so sudden." He had never heard of anyone regaining their sight overnight, not without some kind of procedure. He'd had nothing at the sort.

"I know. It's strange. I don't understand how your eyes can suddenly get better like that. And did you say you couldn't wear contacts before?"

"Yeah," he continued, awkwardly toying with his teaspoon. He had to hide his anxieties. Whatever was going on had to have a rational explanation, one he would find. "Something was up with my eyes, so I couldn't wear them before."

"Do you think that's the case now?" Asuka asked, taking a sip of warm coffee.

"But I don't need to - "

"We need to find out if it really is something physical." Her voice was firmer this time - not strict, but more determined, more cautious, more wary than anything. Shou couldn't help but feel the worry stirring inside him. What he feared most was the supernatural. "Because… yeah, it's good you mentioned this. This just doesn't feel right. It's just… I'm not sure myself."

Asuka stopped, looking up in thought. "Is there anybody else you can speak to?"

Shou paused for a second, recalling his links. His father was out of the question, and there was no point asking Ryo. He didn't have the courage to speak to Judai. Fubuki probably didn't know as much as his sister, and _Manjoume…_

He shivered at the mere thought of the exorcist-in-denial, tainted by shadow.

"There is Daitokuji," he finally spoke up, having found just one option. "You know, Judai's old tutor."

Daitokuji's shelves had been filled with books, and he'd spoken of historical records as clearly as others spoke of the plots of novels. The older alchemist had experience and knowledge beyond anyone he had ever known, without a doubt even more than his father. He had his details and could go back to where he lived if he wanted, even if it meant going alone and being unsure of the way.

"Speaking of Judai, are you two talking again?"

He had to hide it this time; the small stab of pain he felt when Asuka said Judai's name out loud and he recalled their kisses, and what he had said afterwards.

"I'm going to," he murmured, avoiding Asuka's gaze. "I… I swear, I just want to get back to how it all was. I just… I just did something stupid, that's all."

He struggled to get the words out. It wasn't the complete truth, not yet - he wasn't going to tell her, even if she'd already been told about the curse, of all things. Some things he just couldn't let himself share.

_Maybe, some day, when he's dating a girl and I've actually gotten over this thing I have for him. I hate it, I hate this, I hate all of it…_

Asuka tilted her head, leaning in slightly. It wasn't intimidating, only concerned. "Do you want to talk about it?" Her tone reminded him of a worried mother; one he had never had, but had wished for, many times over."It'd be a weight off your chest."

"Well, maybe. It's just…" He still didn't know how she would take it. Would she help him out? Would she find it funny? Would she… would she take him seriously? It was hard to imagine her laughing at his problem, but he didn't want to take chances.

He'd already taken his chances with Judai, and now the two of them weren't even speaking.

She sighed, trying to reassure him. "It's all right. You don't have to say."

"No, you're right. I should deal with -"

A sudden sound interrupted. Shou knew it was his phone. He had a message. His thoughts began to rush.

_Judai, Judai, please, let it be Judai - I'm sorry, I'll tell you everything -_

He fished it out of his pocket immediately. There was a message, just as he'd guessed, but the message wasn't from Judai.

Shou couldn't remember the last time his _father_ had sent a message to him. _Someone's stolen his phone. This is a joke, right?_

He stared at it, warily, before moving his fingers to tap.

It wasn't long. It was _everything._ There was no time.

His hands were starting to shake. He felt his breaths growing louder as he read the message, then read it again and again. Looking at it, he swallowed, hoping what he was seeing was a joke, or a cruel trick of the light.

_It's my eyes, isn't it? That explains why they've been weird. I'm hallucinating these things. It's all a dream. This can't be reality._

He squeezed his eyes shut, mouthing a silent prayer. When they opened again, his phone was still clutched tight in his hand, the letters of the message stark and serious, strong and too clear.

It wasn't happening. It wasn't happening.

It was. Something had happened. Sweat was gathering on his palms.

He stood up, his chair leaving a loud creak as he almost shoved it aside. His chest was beginning to ache.

"What's wrong?" He heard Asuka call. He wanted to tell her. His mouth had dried up. He couldn't breathe for a second, unable to process.

His voice came out as a croak before he took it all back and let himself breathe, formulating the words somehow. He wasn't seeing things right. His head was a jumble.

"I'm sorry. I can't stay." He nearly hyperventilated when he said it properly, out louder this time, spluttering with lost breaths. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have - "

Asuka reached for him, limbs moving on instinct. "What's going on?" She stood up before him, one hand firm on the table, her coffee cup shaking. Her eyes met his, staring intensely.

It was as if she had read his mind in an instant. Her hand reached out again, stabilising his shoulder. Shou pulled back, retreating in panic. Asuka cared, he knew it, but what had happened was urgent. He just couldn't stay. His father had said.

His eyes hesitated, flashing back and forth between her, the phone in his hands, down to the floor, and the door; the way out. His heart was pounding so hard he feared it would tear out of his chest.

"Father… he said… he…"

"Calm down." Asuka breathed. "Please. Shou, please, tell me. What's happened?"

He had to fight back the urge in his eyes; the familiar stinging of panic and tears.

_"Something's happened to Ryo."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'vision/ruin'
> 
> Comments, etc, would be appreciated.
> 
> next chapter: death is a woman with eyes of all colours


	19. sanguis/caritas

**[Content warning: This chapter may be upsetting in a number of ways. As for specific warnings - similar to Chapter 13, but worse. I do not support certain acts that are mentioned.]**

* * *

**Eighteen.  
** **_sanguis/caritas_ **

_This has got to be a mistake. First, I'm seeing without my glasses. Then, my father suddenly speaks to me - or sends me a message. Same thing. Then, this happens. I don't know what's happened. Something has happened. I don't understand it, but Ryo is -_

Shou felt his thoughts rush. He struggled to keep his head in one place. Panic signals were firing, as fast as the cascade of walls surrounding him as he borderline ran. He didn't hear the call of the voice behind him, telling him to slow down, and he couldn't slow down, not at all. The rush of it all, the chaos of what he was seeing and hearing and thinking, was impossible to fight back.

It was hard to stay focused. His head was aching with panic, his stomach in knots. It wasn't happening. What he had heard about just couldn't be happening.

He'd made the courage to call back his father and face him. He'd heard the voice on the other end of the line, and it had been one filled with fear. Shou had never seen even traces of doubt afflicting his father before.

He'd heard Ryo coughing and gasping in the last few days. The sick feeling in his stomach rose again as he thought of how stupid, how selfish he'd been to ignore it. He had thought that his brother had come down with a cold.

His father had told him. He'd found Ryo on the floor, barely breathing, hands raking at his chest in agony.

_A heart attack? Some kind of seizure? Blood poisoning?_

The possibilities swarmed his head like buzzing flies. None were pleasant. The longer they stayed, the more they festered into more and more fears, and shaking them off was impossible.

Over and other, the hoarse coughs he'd been hearing for two days replayed in his head.

_If only I'd known, if only I'd known…_

When he finally found the room Ryo was being kept in, it was no longer a question of knocking and asking for entry. He needed to see him, to see that it was going to be all right. He would see his brother and reassure himself it was just a minor, fixable problem. He was in hospital for it, but he would be all right. His father had overreacted -

He took a deep breath in and pushed the door open.

"…Brother?" His voice quaked.

He didn't want to see him like this. Ryo was there, lying back in bed, in white robes. His hair was a mess, locks spilled over the pillow like an ominous pool. His skin was oddly pale, hands cold-looking and stiff on the bed either side of him. Bandages - he shivered - covered one shoulder, the tell-tale sign that Shou really had wounded his brother.

He was still. His eyes were open, near lifelessly staring up at the ceiling.

Shou shivered, his gut instinct telling him not to come closer. He shook it away. This was his brother.

He had admired his strength and his resolve. He'd wished he had been born with the same kind of eyes - metallic green-grey, sharp and fearsome, a clansman's eyes, unfaltering.

The look in those eyes now was dull and withering.

Shou had grown up with his brother above him in every way, and he had wished for the same strength for so long. He had never seen him more feeble.

Seeing the rise and fall of his chest filled him with relief, even if it was small. His brother was alive. He was ill, somehow, but alive.

"…Shou. You're here." Ryo's voice was slow and desperate, as if on the edge of consciousness.

He had to say something. All that replayed in his mind was the sound of coughing that turned into screaming, and his hands were still trembling. He couldn't look him in the eye, he just couldn't bear to see him like this, but he had to…

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about this." It was all he could say, knowing he could have done something. He hated himself in that instant, knowing he had ignored his brother. He had selfishly pushed aside Ryo's suffering, and he knew it was his fault he was here.

"It's not your fault."

Shou didn't believe it, not for a second. _I should have said something, I don't know what's wrong but I should have said something sooner…_

"…What happened?"

Slowly, Ryo turned to face him, and Shou saw the strain in his neck. Seeing him like this was almost unnatural.

"My heart. It's been stopping… again."

"Again?"

"It's not the first time. It's been a few days now. Stopping and starting. Something," he almost choked, "Something's been in my throat, as well… worse this time…"

Shou shook his head, trying to numb out the sound of his brother's splutters from his memory. He didn't want to believe it. Here was his brother, strong and noble, everything he had aspired to be and failed at being, was reduced to a limp body on a hospital bed.

He wanted to cry at the sight, to pledge himself to his brother and give everything up to help him stand up again.

"I - I'm sorry. I should have asked. I should have said something."

He knew he'd been stupid to ignore him. He had been so caught up in his eyesight improving that he had completely avoided Ryo, and Ryo had been suffering. He'd feared the aftermath of the fight, too, and he hadn't wanted Ryo to look at him and snap at him and threaten him; more than anything, he'd feared what his father would do, if not Ryo -

"It's all right. It isn't your fault. You didn't know."

Shou shook his head. "No. I still should have done something. I was stupid, and now - "

"No." Ryo's tone gained strength, even if just for an instant. Shou stopped immediately. "It's just the way things are. Bad things happen. We can't always control them."

"But what if - "

"Sometimes, it's chance. Bad things happen to people, Shou. You have to accept that."

_I tried to accept the curse on our clan, and I just hurt you and then didn't speak to you…_

"Bad things happen in life. It's why our mother cursed us."

He almost jumped, as if his brother was reading his mind. Shou paused, recalling the things he'd been told, and what he'd heard whispered, finally saying it out loud. "The curse…"

His brother nodded.

"She wanted to make our father suffer. For what he did, and for what the clans did." he continued, his voice quaking. Some part of him, Shou thought, probably still dreaded the name on his tongue. "Shou, she… She never wanted the marriage. They gave her away."

He'd known marriages of the arranged kind were normal since centuries past, but at the same time, it made his stomach turn with unease.

"Is that why she cursed us?" He hesitated. "Was it… _revenge?"_

Ryo shook his head.

"It's more than that. She wanted to _damn_ us. She wanted the clan to die, and for our father to see it. The end of the Marufuji clan. The deaths of his child… no, _both of his children."_

"She - Wait, how do you know all of this?"

"She told me."

"You… you saw her?"

"She came to me last night. She wanted to say _goodbye."_

A silence hung in the air, Shou's eyes wide with disbelief. His mother? Saya _was alive?_

Thinking of Saya, he could think of nothing but repeating images: of sickness and tightly-bound hands and sharp nails and clan blood on her fingers; his blood in his dreams. Her name was a ghost in his lungs.

"When you pact with a demon and lay a powerful curse, you tie yourself to it. She's going to die. _When I am._ " Ryo's eyes closed in acceptance. Opening them again, his voice didn't falter, staying sharp in the face of fatigue and probable pain. "And then, the demons will come for us."

Shou felt himself beginning to stammer, realising what his brother had said. It just couldn't be true.

"No. No, God. _God, please…_ "

Ryo had always seemed to him so great, so amazing - and now he was saying things that he couldn't believe. "Please. Please, you can't die. Don't die. Don't die, please…"

_How could this be, when the curse was just meant to be bad luck? And only for me -_

"It's all right," Ryo interrupted, his calm cutting off Shou's panicking voice. "It has to happen some time. It should have happened long before, anyway."

_Long before?_

"Wait, but… but _how?"_

He had never seen Ryo suffer like this. He had never seen or heard of him having pains in his chest, or coughing so loud he had almost been screaming. Ryo was never ill. His heart had never stopped in his presence. Even if they kept to themselves, and their meetings had often been bitter, he could not think of a single moment of suffering.

Had he concealed it?

"This… This isn't the first time."

Shou gasped.

" _I… I had this once._ Before you were born," Ryo continued, as calm as before. "Saya cursed _me from the beginning -_ not you."

Wincing, he paused. Shou reached out a hand to try and help him, but it was quickly swatted away.

"Saya's going to die when I am, because the curse came back to me, stronger this time. She's only been alive this long _because I have,_ and _you're_ the reason I've stayed alive for so long."

Shou's eyes widened, head struggling to process the information. He gasped, not caring who heard.

"It's true. Saya made the pact just after I was born. It took effect then. I was ill, but I didn't die. Not like she'd planned."

Ryo let out a cough, not as harsh as the last ones Shou had heard back at home, but still as painful to hear. When Shou tried to come closer, to help somehow, he only shook his head at him. Making a gesture with one hand, he continued.

"Father didn't know about the curse at the time. He told me that. It just… it just looked like a bad heart. And… he needed to make sure the clan didn't die." His eyes filled with a murkiness, something like guilt clouding his voice. "No matter what, he needed to keep it alive. He had to have another child. Even if our mother didn't want to. Even if she had never wanted _one_ in the first place."

The pieces came together, clicking in place like a puzzle.

His mother had been desperate - desperate enough to risk her own life with a curse.

The thought filled Shou with dread. Images flooded his mind of a young woman, still beautiful, torn out of childhood with harsh, heavy hands. He thought of her crying in her makeup and gown; he thought of her biting the tongue that had said the vows of acceptance until her lips were red with hot blood.

 _Asuka,_ he thought _, doesn't have to have that, not any more. At least things are different. At least she's safe now. She doesn't have to marry._

He dreaded the thought of his friend and ally turning into someone like Saya.

Ryo's voice, gentle, rippled the silence. "If it helps, I'm just like you."

It didn't help, not much, but Shou dared not admit it.

Ryo continued. "I was ill first. And then, on the day you were born, Saya shifted the curse to you. You were lucky."

"Lucky?" Shou questioned. How could he have been lucky? He had brought nothing but misery to the clan. He'd carried a curse inside of him for seventeen years. He had been a failure for a long time. His father had struggled with him. Ryo had struggled to keep him contained.

He had told Asuka he had been the sole target. He had lived with suspicion for years; through closed doors and vague words from his father, he had put together the pieces. He thought he had found out the truth, but all he had found had been a confused lie.

"She… shifted the curse herself. _With blood,_ from me into you. Then, the curse transferred. My heart attacks stopped, and then… then, a few months after you were born, Father realised you were almost blind. It was a perfect coincidence. That's how Father worked it all out. That's why she left, because he found out."

As if by instinct, Shou's hands moved up to adjust his glasses, remembering too late that they were no longer there. "So that's how…"

"That's why you were lucky. You weren't the original target. When the curse transferred, it went into its dormant state. And… you can see now."

It was all making sense, even in the worst way. He had never been directly cursed. His eyes were all that had suffered.

 _A dormant curse won't give the other person the full effect, but they have side effects… impaired hearing or sight…_ Asuka's voice replayed in his head. It was coming together, whether he liked it or not. The truth was right there, as painful as it was to know.

Had his bad decisions really been only his own? Had he really exaggerated his bad luck?

"But why? Why did it come back?"

" _Blood."_

As if by instinct, Ryo's hand gravitated to the bandages wrapped around one shoulder. In the back of his mind, Shou saw the same hand in the darkness again, his blood and Ryo's blood, and how Ryo had flinched when the blade had fallen and wounded him.

_Blood spills blood twice… the blood method…_

Shou's blood had been on Ryo's hand, and he'd glimpsed Ryo pressing it to his open wound. All he'd felt bad for was injuring him. He hadn't been aware of the truth.

It had been instinct, a small action - but it had signed his brother's death warrant, there and then.

Ryo had carried the curse before Shou had.

The curse had been dormant in him, never at its strongest. All Shou had ever had was a side effect. The curse had passed _back -_ and he had not expected it - and grown stronger, ready to finish off what it had started.

"Oh, God." Shou muttered, his head sinking into his hands. "That's why. Oh, God. It's my fault. I'm so sorry…"

He knew it wasn't enough to apologise. He had signed his brother's death warrant. An apology was never enough.

"That's why… Oh, God. It's my fault. I'm sorry." His voice rushed. The words streamed, all of them quick and painful to say, all of them he knew to be useless apologies. "I'm sorry, God damn it, I'm sorry - "

"It wasn't your fault."

Shou looked down, shaking his head. "I knew it. It was me…"

"It wasn't your fault," Ryo repeated. "You didn't know. Even Father didn't know the truth. He didn't know about the curse until after you were born."

Shou gasped.

"This is what I think. I don't know for sure, and she didn't tell me everything, but I think… she wanted you to have some sort of handicap. She wanted you to be weak, so that you would die. That's why she gave you the side effect."

"Is that why you didn't want me to fight?" He asked. He knew the answer already. It had all become clear. Ryo had been trying to protect him from the start, even if it had meant being harsh to him.

He nodded, continuing. "If you died, the curse would come back for me anyway. And our father would see both of us dead. I guess… she wanted to have one last bit of revenge, after what he did to her."

It hurt to speak. There was near nothing to say. The silence was made Shou's stomach twist.

"…She left me, in the end," he mumbled.

It was true; he had been left. Even if his bad luck had never been part of the curse, it was still something. Saya had left the clan with _misfortune incarnate,_ a child with no hope and terrible eyesight, and a volatile curse in his bloodstream.

"You're wrong." Ryo objected. "You're not somebody's possession. You're not a tool for something like that either. I'm sure she had no way of knowing the person you'd turn out to be."

_What have I turned out like? I'm the one who did this to you. I'm the reason you're like this…_

"She wanted you to be a burden on the Marufuji clan. She wanted her vengeance, but she had no way of knowing. She would be ashamed of herself if she saw you now."

"What?"

"Look at yourself. You've grown."

Shou looked down, something inside firing on instinct. He had always been small for his age. He despised it. Mocking was the last thing he wanted. "That's not funny…"

"No." His brother shook his head. "You really have. In more ways than one. I've seen you swinging that blade. And you've gotten a lot faster. You've come a long way. You've got the future, all your life, right ahead, and I haven't."

Shou said nothing. He didn't want to believe what his brother was saying. Ryo was stronger, and taller, and bolder - and yet, he was here, connected to drips and tubes and too weak to even stand up, wearing a robe that would be the last thing he would wear in his life…

"There are so many things you could do with all that you know. Whether that future of yours concerns the wielding of the weapon or not. You really have come far."

"No," Shou denied, shaking his head and refusing to look his brother in the eye. "I still haven't…"

"Don't lie to yourself. You need to look at yourself and you need to see with your eyes wide open, and you need to realise what you've become. You need to take things into your own hands, and go even further." Ryo coughed, Shou shivering at the telltale sound of pain. "I… I'm sure you can do that."

"Go further? How can I?"

"You're asking. That's already the first part." The corners of his mouth quirked upwards, so gently that Shou didn't see it at first, into a strangely calm smile. "You need to stand up and look at yourself. You'll see what you can do if you think about anything you're not good at. And don't say 'everything'. That's a lie."

It took a while for Shou to respond. What Ryo was saying was far from easy to stomach. He hadn't been good at much for years, not until Judai had encouraged him and helped him out. He hadn't been good enough, and he'd blamed his own luck and the curse.

 _No,_ he thought. He had not been the first, and his actions had been his own. "I... I guess I could…"

"That's right. _You're my brother._ You're strong, deep down. I know I wasn't supportive before, and... I'm sorry. I really am."

He could feel the sincerity in his brother's tone, even as it shook and faltered with illness.

"It's all right." There was no reason for him to apologise. Shou knew he had made mistakes, too, ones far worse than his brother's. "I wasn't good either."

"It doesn't matter. What matters is who you are now, and what you will one day be. Even if... even if that future of yours has an alchemist in it."

Shou jerked, eyes widening in an instant. He gaped on, feeling his heart begin to pound with more than just panic again. Ryo had seen them; he knew, and he'd thought that he would be disgusted, but there was nothing there as he spoke, nothing but peace, and an odd feeling of blessing -

"You don't have to hide it." Ryo's smile did nothing to conceal the faint laugh under his breath. "He's changed you, Shou. He's done good things. And you can do good things too, if you try."

He didn't know what to say back. Still, his heart trembled at the mention of Judai's name. It was something he could never forget, even if he had run from the truth. Even if he had been foolish to kiss him, if he had been as stupid as to fall in love with his friend in the first place, he could never forget it.

Ryo wasn't disapproving of him.

"Thank... thank you," Shou murmured, hiding a faint blush on his cheeks.

"Our family's always sought to go above and beyond, and always evolve further. And… I want to help. I'm going to give you something."

"What is it?"

Ryo sat up with a quiet groan. "Come here. Hold out your hands."

Obediently, Shou took a step closer, going down on both knees next to his brother's bed. Shou didn't dare strain him; it was already painful to watch him shake with each breath. He reached out, slowly and carefully, as if his brother was porcelain. Ryo's hands seemed thinner and paler, even with nothing but the white of hospital sheets around them. Shou shivered, feeling bones beneath skin.

"Eyes shut."

He obeyed.

"Do you agree to this?"

Shou let out a small, confused sound.

"Do you promise to uphold our clan's values? To go above and beyond?" Ryo clarified, his tone a little stronger than the last time.

"I... I promise." He wasn't certain, deep down, but the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint his brother. He would try to keep that promise, even if he wasn't sure of it yet, or what all of it meant to him.

"That's good."

It was then that he felt something stir in his hands, but not inside flesh; it was both around his fingertips and within the core of his being. There was warmth in their grasp, and for a moment, it was as if Ryo was returning to life. It seeped, like a stream, the ghostly warm feeling flowing though his fingers and hands and arms, and into the rest of him, as if filling his veins.

Then, a jolt of pure energy. Shou felt more than just his body quiver in surprise. It was as if his whole self, his whole soul had been stricken, but it felt different now that it had been hit. Something else was beginning to settle.

There was something oddly pleasant about it, the strange feeling of thick, fluid warmth taking form in his chest, before ever-so-gently starting to calm. It settled, as if wrapped around the core of his being. He felt it there, pulsing and resonating, calling out within him.

He let the sensation fade, but the pressure was different. It was a weight on his soul, and a force in itself, one he could feel but not quite explain out loud.

His eyes were still shut. As the last of the sparks settled down in his chest, he let them open. Ryo was still there, calm and settled, and barely hiding his smile.

"I can't bear its weight any more. _The Soul of the Kaiser._ It's yours now."

Shou nearly jumped, realising what his brother had said. By instinct, he stepped away, waving his hands in denial. "Wait, what? What? But, wait -"

"I'm serious," he said back, stopping the shaking. "You're clearly committed to exorcism, even after everything I said to you. And I can't go any further. It should be yours now."

He felt the pulse of what had to be the weapon's own energy. He felt it flowing within him, part of his veins and flesh and spirit, even if he did not understand it exactly.

"But - "

"You don't have to use it. It's your choice. It can't go back to our father, and there is no other who can use that weapon. It belongs to you. I'm sure you can do it proud."

"It's - but I - "

"It's part of you now. I don't need it back."

"Don't say that - "

Ryo silenced him with an outreached, settling hand.

"The last thing I want is anyone worrying about the clan. It's the way things are. The weak die out and the strong survive. If the clan died with me, then... it would have been for the best. And that's why I'm giving it to you. Because I know that you're capable. Use it as it was meant to be used."

"How?" Shou hesitated, still struggling to believe. "It's just me - "

"Stop doubting yourself. You've done very well." Ryo didn't stop. "Far better than I ever thought you could. And there's still all of the future. If there's something you want to change, then start out small, and don't say things are impossible."

"But, you…"

His brother shook his head. "I'm glad you've come as far as you have."

Shou was about to retaliate, but stopped. He thought back to months of before, when he had been struggling. He had feared even the sight of shadows. He had been scared, and then Judai had come into the picture. Now, even alone, he could fight. He had exorcised shadows successfully. He had gone into the state of _unitas-concordia._ Even though it was partial, the longer he thought about it, the more he knew Ryo's words to be true. He still had a long way, but he had, at least, done something.

"I've… not said it much in the past, and I should have done so. I'm proud of you, Shou. You were right. And you can choose to take the blade or abandon it. But I know you can make great things happen. You can make this last wish of mine come true."

_Last wish. He's not saying this, he can't be, please don't let it be so._

It was the worst lie Shou could think of. What Ryo said had made sense. If things really were as his brother had said, then here he was, facing him for one of the last times in life.

He didn't want to believe it, not for a moment.

"Brother…"

"I'm sorry for everything. I love you."

Shou could feel the sting of tears in the corners of his eyes as they welled up. It was hurting, just as much as his chest and his head; it hurt to see and hear what was before him. Ryo, his brother, his sibling, his fellow clansman and most of all blood relative -

He was close enough, still on his knees. Letting the tears flow, he embraced him. His brother's hands held him close, Shou's sobs shaking both of their bodies.

They held on, sharing what was left of their warmth.

In it was love.

* * *

The wind blew fiercely that night, and into the early hours of morning.

He'd wanted to spend the night with his son, but he knew he couldn't. Ryo had asked to be left on his own.

Hideo had grown up obeying his elders, and had taught his sons - or tried to teach them, whatever his degree of success - the same ideal. He'd brought back some older traditions too, in the hope of keeping discipline in the clan, for better or for worse.

On such a bitter occasion, however, he had no choice. He was bound to respect others, and his privileges had rest aside. Ryo was the one who carried the blade. Ryo was his son, too, and at a time like this, his soul ached with powerlessness. He couldn't do _anything._ He wished he didn't exist, if it meant not feeling such pain.

There was no use denying what could not be denied.

He sighed, swirling the wine in his glass. The outcome of the night was straightforward. Shou, too, most likely had figured it out; he was alone, a few walls away, in his own room. Hideo hadn't the words to speak to him.

He was alone. They all were. All that was there lay broken before him.

All he had - all _the clan_ had - was a bottle of wine and the end that was nigh. He sipped, wishing for something more potent.

He didn't keep count of the minutes he spent idly staring at the wall and the glass in his hands. The drink wasn't helping after two glasses. His hands didn't want to pour another glass, either - the first time, and the second, he'd barely been able to lift the bottle.

It was sometime in that desolate silence that Hideo made out the sound of knocking. His eyes closing, he feigned ignorance, hoping it would stop. The knocking continued, and as irritation built up, he found he couldn't stop himself. Groaning, he stumbled through the corridor, eyes down and head too heavy to lift.

The knocking wouldn't stop. On any other day, Hideo would have grabbed the person knocking and demanded they leave. He didn't peer out to see them this time. His hands shook with something he couldn't identify. His throat was hoarse with bitterness.

He opened the door.

"Well, you've aged."

Her voice was slow, thick like molasses; it made him feel sick. The woman before him had, too, since the last time they had seen one another, but she had clearly been the luckier. Even with little light, he could see the beginnings of wrinkles around her eyes, but they had retained their shine. He remembered that odd mix of grey-and-something-else from years ago, and he remembered them being beautiful.

At the same time, he almost gagged with the taste of alcohol and bile.

A single car drove past, its headlights adding gold into the bluish paleness of her hair, no doubt beginning to turn silver. She'd done it up, as if for a party, a thick braid wrapped across like a crown. She was made up, too, and her lips, curled into a wicked smile, were dark with lipstick.

He remembered the last time they'd seen one another, when her lips had been a poisonous violet. He couldn't see the exact colour now.

"Saya."

Her hands reached for the doorframe, long, ice-blue-painted nails tapping at the wood. "I see things are still holding up. Well, as much as they could be…"

He wanted to tell her to scram, to slam the door on her _beautiful_ nails. He wanted to hurt her, but sick with guilt, he realised that he had already done that, and he'd done it more than once. "Why are you here?"

Saya's head turned, her hand reaching to graze the stubble on the side of his chin. A shiver spread through him.

"Can't you see I'm dressed to the nines?"

With the light of the corridor making the view brighter as she invited herself in, Hideo gasped. Below her thick woollen coat, he could just make out something like a black dress.

"The curse ends today. Might as well toast to the end of my life."

He'd been invited to a terrible celebration. He had no choice but to obey. Those were her desires, and more than anything, he was bound, as one of his clan, to respect the fragile and the dying, even more so than elders.

Two lights were about to go out. One light he would cry for, and the other he would spend the rest of his life atoning for. The curse had come to fruition; tears stung at his eyes and in his throat; his pride as a man was crumbling before his eyes, and before him was the proof that he had failed in setting such an example.

He let her in, one hand clumsily rubbing at an eye. He couldn't let her see him so broken, so weak. He was helpless right now; whatever she told him, he hadn't the strength to retaliate.

She could tell him he was the scum of the earth, and she would be right. He'd been a terrible man. She had been right from the start.

He guided her to the kitchen, her heels clicking carelessly, as if she was strolling through a ballroom, or through some cheerful party. Every noise seemed to echo through the floor, twisting Hideo's stomach with every resonating click. Saya's eyes, sharply lined, the same icy blue as ever, flashed with boldness.

As soon as they entered the kitchen, Hideo shut the door behind him, careful to not make a sound. He practically fell upon the nearest chair in a slump. Sighing, Saya ignored him, helping herself to a wine glass from the cupboard he'd left half open. She played with the glass before sitting down, much more gracefully, opposite Hideo.

She didn't ask him for wine. Hideo didn't object when she took the bottle herself, pouring herself a ruby-red glassful, her nails clinking against the bottle, as if to tease.

"Why did you come here?" he asked after too many moments of silence.

Saya took a sip of the wine, staring at the light that danced on the surface. Looking back at him, her smile had not disappeared. "I said it. I'm saying goodbye." She took another drink, before continuing. "His funeral's going to be soon, and that means it'll be mine, too."

Hideo understood. Her sharp tongue had already cut him in half once, years ago when she'd left, and left him with the truth of the curse that she'd laid on them all.

All curses all came with a recoil. When a shifting curse's target expired, the one who made the pact paid the price with their life.

He knew it was no use denying reality, but he couldn't bring himself to agree. He wanted nothing to do with her; he'd made his mistakes, and he would atone, but he couldn't bear to see her. She'd returned for the first time in seventeen years, and all she'd brought with her was spite.

"Ryo is still alive," he mumbled.

"Doesn't matter. _He's going to die soon._ "

"…Saya." It hurt him, to hear her so careless, especially with a topic like _death_ on her tongue.

She looked on, brows knitted with bluntness. "I'm only stating the facts."

"Is that what you wanted? To kill your own child?" He choked on his own words, not realising just how much it would hurt to admit it. He was sharing wine with someone who was taking pleasure in dying, and in taking another human's life, and he was too barren within to object.

Saya finished her glass, leaning on the table lightly. "The son pays for the sins of the father. You pay for the sins of our kind."

That was his punishment. He knew he had sinned. There wasn't much else to say.

"I'm sorry."

She gave him a look that screamed scepticism; her _'I don't believe you'_ quiet and definite. "You weren't sorry back then. I remember it. Don't try to deny it. You never objected to our marriage."

She was right. He had said nothing. He'd hoped for a smiling, faithful, obedient wife and a lifetime of happiness, by daytime at least, with her and their children.

"I did what was right," he murmured, looking down into his glass as he toyed with it, swirling the wine.

"It wasn't right. Not at all." Bitter, she reached for the bottle again, pouring herself more of the ruby-red liquid. " _You_ were happy, though. You got to chain your bride."

Hideo remembered the self-forged chain he'd clamped around her neck in lieu of a ring on the day they were married. The tradition was old, worn through with time, and had been rejected by his own mother and grandmother; for a long time, the first female heads of the clan.

He'd felt obliged to bring that tradition back.

He felt ashamed for it now, knowing that he'd been a fool in pretending. He'd believed in duties and roles, and thought she too would play. He'd believed in being happy, in foolish stories and those dumb happily-ever-afters. He'd been happy to wed her; but even that day, in her kimono embroided with a thousand blooming flowers, and as he'd taken her in the sheets that night, he realised, she had been faking those smiles.

The thoughts trickled through his mind like venom.

"I know _you_ weren't," he confessed.

She hadn't worn a true smile from their wedding to the day that she told of her curse on the clan. On that final day, Saya had laughed with more than joy.

"They gave me to the Marufuji clan. Like you give away something _inanimate._ "

He'd treated her no better. He held back sickness at the memories that were resurfacing. Her protests, her pushing hands and the tears in her eyes; the knots in her hair and the ugly bruises on her hips, the stinging marks on her neck. Everything he'd tried to ignore in the act, and for years after; all was coming back like a storm: the red skin on her wrists and the gritting of her teeth, and the way she'd bitten and scratched as he'd told her, _you have to, you have to…_

"I'm sorry."

"Are you sorry you hurt me?"

"Saya…" The fight was worthless. He knew that he'd lost it already.

"It doesn't matter. You pay the price. Your son dies tonight."

"Is he not your son, too?"

"He's a child I gave birth to. Something I suffered for." She was indifferent. Hideo felt the sting that lingered behind that indifference. " _I had no choice_."

 _You have to, you have to._ He felt sick as he recalled what he'd said years ago, not knowing how he would come to regret it. _You have to, you have to._

"I'm sorry."

"Now, you have that burden. The curse has come back. The day I longed for from the beginning is now."

"Is that why you made the pact with them?"

Saya toyed with her glass. Looking down, she eyed Hideo through the glass, as if playing. Her tone was far from joyful, however. "I did it because it was the only thing that mattered. I'm destroying this clan."

There was silence as Saya reached for the bottle of wine again, the only sounds in the room being the ticking of the clock and the clinking of glass against glass.

Hideo's head throbbed. His throat was dry, and drinking any more wasn't an option. He was on the verge of falling to the table, and the woman he despised had won. In the end, she had been right form the start; he deserved to die to atone for the wretch that he'd been.

He could die without a problem. What he could not let go of, however, was the thing he'd swore to protect, long before he had ever taken Saya as his spiteful bride.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, straining not to cry.

"Sorry does nothing."

"Shou's still alive."

She smacked her lips, clearly annoyed, yet not hurt. "Don't ask me to kill him. I can't do that."

" _You haven't killed us. Not yet._ "

"But he'll die sooner or later. _Boys will be boys,_ won't they?"

He felt the bitterness in his tongue and in his throat and stomach as the same words repeated, like a march through his mind. His heart was heavy already; he was on the verge of falling down. He had to bear it; he held back a painful sob in his chest.

_You have to, you have to._

"He looks just like you, Saya."

Her glass clattered as it met the wood of the table. Saya's eyebrows furrowed, mouth slightly open.

"Just as bad, huh? Well, in the end, it's you who's going to suffer. And that," she said, picking up her glass again, and draining it dry, "will be lovely."

"It isn't over. It… it isn't, Saya. _It isn't._ "

He wouldn't let it be so; he couldn't let it be. He had no clue what to do next, or how to go about changing the ways of the clan so as to keep it alive. Shou, he knew, most likely despised him, and with good reasons to. He despised himself, too, for the terrible husband and father he'd been.

Even if he had failed to love his own family, he had to be a worthy _clansman_ at least.

Saya flicked her wrist, dismissing. "You've said that too much in the past." Glancing down at her glass, disappointed, she sighed. "I'm not having any more. You're wrecked as it is. At least we had _fun._ "

Her idea of _fun_ was not as awful as his idea of love had been. Nothing could ever be. She would die a pleased woman, knowing that she had ruined him and killed at least one of the two children she'd cursed as she brought into the world of the living.

"Consider this my funeral party. We were drinking to the death of the clan. _To me. To the fact that I beat you."_

He had few desires and fewer words left. "I _despise_ you, Saya."

"Even after you let me into your house, and gave me your wine? I hate you, too." She replied, her old smile edging back onto her face. It was a smile of victory in the face of death.

She sighed once, stretching her arms. One drop of burgundy still lingered on her bottom lip.

"I'm finished tonight."

* * *

 

The morning after, Shou came downstairs for breakfast, later than usual and physically drained, and found his father sprawled on a chair. With his head in his hands, his elbows lay heavy against the table. There was an expression on his face that Shou could not describe. He looked, and as he spoke, he sounded terribly ill.

On the floor lay an empty bottle of wine. Around it were countless fragments, and whatever else remained of a broken wine glass.

Ryo had passed away, just after sunrise, that very morning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'blood/love of brothers'
> 
> I apologise. It's been rough. Part 3 is over.
> 
> No new chapter next week, perhaps nothing the week after as well while I work on Part 4.
> 
> Once again, I apologise. Thank you for being there for me!
> 
> next chapter: waking up from the dream


	20. lux/metamorphosis

**Nineteen.  
** **_lux/metamorphosis_ **

A woman's body was found in the streets that day. She'd lain there, face-down, and when they lifted her to find that she wasn't breathing, they found a smile on her violet lips.

By the following day, they'd somehow identified the woman as Saya Marufuji, Hideo Marufuji's estranged wife.

They wrote the cause of death down as 'natural causes'. There had been no signs of poison, nor drugs, nor any fresh wounds. It was open-and-shut, just like the woman's time had been in this world. Her cremation was unceremonious. There was only one attendee.

Shou glimpsed his father with the jar in his hands. He did not see what he did with it after.

* * *

 

A week passed in silence. He did not even hear the birds.

Even when he did not speak, or could not gather the courage too, he kept hope. Some part of him thought that if he closed his eyes and prayed hard enough to some great nameless force, Ryo would be alive again. He dreamt of the sight of a flash of the blade, skilled hands swinging the weapon to which they belonged; the song of the _Soul_ ringing loud and clear in the moonlight, as it always had. It was a dream every time; nothing but an empty dream.

_I was the reason he died. Even if the curse wasn't mine._

He thought of the woman, too; the woman named Saya, his mother. When he had been told of her death, he was told he could see her. He had shaken his head and left the room.

There were times that he found himself imagining her, probably beautiful, with a trickster's smile and an iron will, as one of his hands carded through his own thick hair and wondering if hers, too, had really been like that. He dreamt of a voice once, one that wept as much as it had stung; he thought of hers and longed badly to hear it. He had fought the urge to cry as soon as he had woken up from the dream.

He wondered if she had been tall and lithe, or as small as himself, an oddity in a family like his. He had noticed, at least, that his brother had been right. He had grown, even if it wasn't by much - maybe an inch or two since he last measured.

He didn't know whether to be happy or not. Even if his eyes were seeing a lot better, some things would take a miracle to change.

It was only on the fifth day of emptiness that he took hold of the words his brother had entrusted him with, and looked in the mirror. The reflection that stared back with a sigh barely seemed like himself, hair matted and eyes weary, pleading for sleep.

It was strange. He was alone in the room, just himself and the mirror. He was alone, and it was only then that the feeling in the pit of his stomach told him just how lonely he was.

He had barely left his room for five days. There had been no need to go out. The funeral had been and gone. He never wanted to bear the scent of lilies again.

_White lilies,_ he thought. _Funeral flowers._

He didn't want to forget his brother, not ever. What he did want to forget was the sight of him - pale, hair neat and hands joined in peace, almost flooded with flowers. The smell had been overpowering. He'd nearly been sick.

_At least he isn't in pain._ Over and over, his brother's coughing was replaying again. He shook his head, trying to blur it out. It was no use.

His eyes were still on the mirror, as his mind began to work; much slower than normal, but faster than it had been for a week.

He ran a finger along the frame of his glasses. He'd worn them daily for years, and in the last few days he had found himself trying to wear them again. He'd had no need to. Instead of comfort and clarity, all they now gave him was headaches.

Giving them up was like giving up a limb; a closer part of himself. Slowly, he'd been reaching for them less and less.

Even so, he admitted, there was something satisfying about their absence. He'd been keeping them straight on his nose for years, even in the midst of battle in the last few months; he hadn't parted from them. He'd grown up seeing next to nothing without them. Even with no use, he couldn't bear to throw them away after a lifetime.

Small things, like his glasses, were what kept him thinking of himself, and the fact that he was still alive, and that Ryo was gone. Everything about him, from his height to his vision and even his absurdly thick, untameable hair, had been different from that of his brother.

His brother had been the greatest fighter he'd known, and that fighter was gone. Gone was the brother he'd longed to emulate and at the same time, longed to forget. He'd loved him, and hated him, knowing he could never live up to the family name.

He was alone now. He was the last one in his family with the skills to carry that weapon. The _Soul of the Kaiser_ was his. Never would it sing the same way, as it had in Ryou's hands.

Ryo's abilities were prodigious. Shou knew he had a long way to go, still.

He thought of Judai. Was he better, or just in a category of his own? Judai was the only alchemist he'd seen fight, ever. Daitokuji had been proof that he was not alone, and yet, there was something that fascinated him still about Judai. His recklessness, his courage, his laugh in the face of adversity. Judai had been the one who had led him back into the depths of the fight between shadows and mortals, after he had finally decided to reject the family calling. He'd followed Judai. He'd let him lead him head-on. He'd felt things for him that went beyond friendship. He longed for him, he knew. He'd kissed him. _And yet…_

Judai. _God, Judai._

It was so wrong, terribly so. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he could not think of any person that could have made him as happy as he'd felt back then, weeks ago, in the alleyway with probably-Jupiter and a sea of stars and streetlights surrounding them in their own little world in the beautiful dark.

Ryo had said it himself. He'd known it. He hadn't been ashamed of his brother, even when he had made so many mistakes, and even when he'd started feeling things he didn't understand nor desire, deep down.

He wanted Judai. He knew it. He wanted him, badly; not just to touch and to kiss, like that one time, but even just to be there with him, to stay by his side. Judai had done so much for him, and he owed him his friendship; but he knew it too, that more than anything he owed, he wanted to give him all that he could ever have.

His heart beat faster at the thought of seeing him again, of seeing his smile and his warm, light-hearted brown eyes. Even when his gaze was sharp in the midst of violence and his hands were firmly set to manipulate the dark in his hands, he could not help but see the light he exerted. Judai was a being beyond his own reach and in a league of his own; far from the world of the exorcists, yet somehow drawn to his kind.

Judai played with the darkness, and _he_ was kin to the light.

As much as their sides contradicted and hated each other, Shou bit his lip and closed his eyes and accepted the thought: no matter what, he loved Judai. He loved him, even if they were opposite to each other, and even if he was rash and untamed; he was strong, and warm, and friendly, and he cared for those who mattered most to him. Judai was kin to the shadows, but Judai was human too. Judai had a heart.

He wanted to cherish that heart. Whether it was wrong or right, whether their unity was destiny or chance; he wanted Judai for who he was, as more than an alchemist.

_He changed you._ His brother had said that he didn't mind. He'd feared Ryo so much, knowing how harsh he could be, and what he could do with his weapon - even without it. He had feared the worst for so long, but what his brother had given him in the end was compassion. He'd given him hope that even his feelings weren't terrible.

It didn't matter, anyway. Judai didn't see him like that.

_He still did change me._

_I was going to give up the exorcist act. I was going to stop trying. I was going to live normally. I was going to stop hoping for something. I tried._

_Then, he came. And I couldn't let go of it._

And yet, here he was again, hands longing for the cold feel and warm resonance of a weapon to hold.

Judai had brought everything back. Ryo had taken his hand and reminded him of the thing he had longed for at the start, that he'd denied so badly and yet so badly longed for. Asuka and Fubuki had urged him to run, and he'd been running with them all in the same chaotic direction.

Everyone had played some kind of part. He couldn't abandon them, after all that they'd done.

_Ryo was right,_ he thought. _I still have a way to go. There's more to find in this world._

_I'll find my own way._

Shou decided there and then, that he wouldn't give up. _The small things,_ he thought. _Start out small._

_Start out small, and don't say you can't do things._ It was what Ryo had said.

* * *

 

It was on the eighth day that he came to his conclusions and took matters into his own hands.

The days were few before school would start again, and he had to be ready for then. There was a lot to be ready for - both the near future and the far, the mundane and the supernatural. He'd entirely forgotten about the holiday assignments, and it was on that day that he got to work.

That day, Asuka offered to meet him for a familiar coffee - or tea, in his case. She would be paying for everything. Fubuki was there, too, the same weariness as his there at first. Shou knew that the death had affected him, too; they had been the same age, and had grown up alongside each other at school.

He told them of his and Judai's unitas, the bond that they'd shared and the hopes that they'd had. His heart sank as he told them of the distance that had started between them. He'd prayed on the inside that they would come back together again. The shine in their eyes told him they'd seen beyond his shared words, and into that prayer.

_Be confident,_ she'd told him. _You two are real friends, and real friends come back._

Even if he had not told her the full truth, of the guilt on his lips, it was still a relief to hear it from her.

Being together had been a breath of fresh air; his old solitude had become stagnant and empty. The voices of friends, and his own amongst them, and laughter, had been a rejuvenation. He'd heard the sounds of the city that day, too, for the first time in a while. He'd breathed in air from outside.

One day of life outside had started to lift the fog from his senses.

There was still a long way to go. He knew he had to get back to living like he had, even if it took time. Ryo's voice would stop resurfacing ceaselessly in his mind. Some day, he hoped, he would remember his brother as he deserved to be remembered, without the stabbing noise of his coughing echoing through the memory.

The walk home was solitary. None of it had been the same since the mistake with Judai. Months ago, he would never have complained about silence, but as he found himself looking down, his shoulders drooping at the thought of being alone, he wished he had someone by his side.

_Judai,_ he thought. _I need to apologise. I need to get things back as they were. Before I went and, God damn, kissed my best friend._

The tight feeling in his chest bloomed again at the thought of the name.

_I hate this. I hate not having you, even just as a friend -_

"Hey!"

He blurred out the shout in his head. Somebody was calling for somebody else. There were probably others around, even if the street before him was empty. It couldn't have been for him.

"Hey, Shou! Wait up!" The voice was familiar. Shou felt his stomach twist. His hands instinctively balled into fists.

He stopped, not turning around. He heard the owner of the voice panting, feet hitting the pavement with stride as they ran, closer and closer. Shou sighed in return, knowing there was no use fighting it off.

_He's speaking to me. He's actually speaking to me. I need to speak to him, too_ -

He turned around, and for the first time in more than two weeks of absolute nothingness, came face to face with Judai.

Shou felt his heart clench. His heartbeat was off track again. He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to push back the feeling. He hated it, he hated all of it; hated that Judai didn't share it and hated that it had forced him to do stupid things. It had brought him to this. He wanted to kill it.

_How? How do I… how do I live with this on my mind?_

He gritted his teeth, jaw shaking with anger.

"Shou! Hey, what's up?"

Shou suddenly opened his eyes, seeing Judai right in front of him. His hair was a mess, as it usually was. He was panting, having run to catch up to him, more so than he usually did when the two of them fought shadows together.

It had been rare to see him having to break a sweat. Judai was skilled, surprisingly so, even if he had seemed naive. In his eyes was both energy and fatigue; they were the eyes of someone desperate for something, clear under daylight.

Shou didn't know what to say, or how he would say it. _Should I be angry? Should I act as if nothing's wrong? Should I just walk away?_

He had walked away once, at the very beginning. His weakness, his fear of the shadows and everything around him at night, had plagued him to no end. Then, Judai had helped. He'd given him his first kill, even if Judai had done most of the work and practically awarded it to him.

Much had changed since. He was not at the start any more. This was the middle of something he had not expected.

_I'm not going to run. I'm not going to run - I'm going to speak now -_

"I'm fine." No enthusiasm came out.

Judai's face mirrored his, a knowing look of concern. Something about it had Shou on edge. It wasn't like him to be grim, and the last thing Judai had ever been was serious.

Something was different this time.

"Shou. I - I'm sorry."

The apology was simple. Looking on, Shou wished it was honest. Judai had never been one for stone-faced looks or firm words; he'd always been joking and far too relaxed for his own good. He had been childish, but friendly, and at the same time, he'd faced things head-on, and if he was being straight out, then perhaps, for once, it had to be genuine.

Still, Shou didn't reply. There was an odd, colourless silence.

"Look, I… I did some dumb things. I didn't mean to upset you. Then I… I don't know what I did. I thought you would hate me. I don't know if you do, but you're really important to me. Shou, honest. You've been my best friend. I want to stay friends."

He hesitated, choking out the last words. It seemed to hurt to speak, and Shou felt it, too. Looking down, he could see Judai's hand twitch.

"Why didn't you speak to me?"

"I… I just…"

"It's OK." Shou said. He sighed, not wanting to hear it. The answer was clear, even without explanation. Their break had hurt both of them, and he had been hurt even more over the past week. He didn't need anything more.

He felt tears scorch his eyes. All he wanted, he knew, was his closest friend back, even if he had been just as wrong and he was still a mess.

"Look, I…" Judai tried again, trailing off. This time, Shou didn't object. He looked back, and saw the same beginnings of tears in his friend's eyes; the same as the feeling he knew he felt too - dread, and fear of rejection, and the worry that he would be facing nothing but hate from someone he'd trusted for months, more than anyone else.

It hurt. He'd been hurt by his own toxic feelings. He had to go back. He needed his friend.

"…I'm sorry for how I was before. I really, really am. And I mean it… I still want to be friends. Please?"

There was a clear heaviness in his heart as he dipped his head, hiding behind the mess of his fringe. Shou saw his hands tremble. It tugged at his heartstrings, badly so, just seeing him like that, so clearly pained with shame. He felt a bitterness begin to sting in his throat as he looked on, helpless and clueless, not knowing what to say, what to ask. It hurt him too, but not in the same way. His pain was the itch in his hands, telling him to move, to come close again, to at least offer a hug…

_He doesn't see me that way._

It had to sink in. The feeling burned on.

There was no going back; Judai knew, and he knew the truth, too. He longed for more than just _resonance_. Beyond the chemistry of souls - he bit at the inside of his cheek in frustration - beyond the things he had known, in the depths, was the truth, and the thing that he knew he wanted. He cared for Judai. Judai, to him, was more than a friend.

He had to fight that dumb feeling. He had felt empty for days. Judai had brought more happiness to him than anyone else had. There was no going back to the past, but he could forget it. They could move on, and he would relearn what it meant to have _friendship._

Shou spoke up; the silence had grown stagnant.

"It's all right." Like stale bread, the words were dry and rough on his tongue. "It doesn't matter, anyway."

He tried to meet Judai's gaze, hoping he would see the sincerity. His voice had grown dry.

It was something he would strive for, no matter what. His brother had told him to start small, and so he would. He'd begin with his friend. He would smoothen things out again, until he could say it louder and clearer. Judai was a friend, and only a friend. He would, one day, be happy with it.

"Seriously?" There was an edge of relief, and the wave of a hand wiping back a tear in one eye. Judai choked back a sob.

"…Yes."

Suddenly enough that Shou didn't move, Judai closed the small gap with a step. Shou heard him breathe, close enough to his ear that he shivered, before Judai's arms wrapped around him.

He felt an embrace tighter than he had felt in a long time, with more desperation than his shaken, ill brother, this time, an embrace filled with honest, dumb tears and the love of his friend and true partner. Judai was warm, his tears seeping into his shoulder; he let him stay, his own hands moving shyly towards his back.

He bit back the bittersweetness of it. He could hold Judai now.

_He is not that. It's time I moved on from it. It'll hurt for a while, but I'll do it._

Judai would always be nothing more than a friend, but a friend that he cared for, no matter what his dumb heart desired.

He had to learn to be happy with that, even if his longing was painful. What he had now was what he'd had in the past. Things would get better.

What he had was a partner.

He let himself cry, there and then, for the first time in days. He didn't stop himself when he heard that voice, the familiar voice of a friend, beckoning him closer, wanting to know all that had happened. He didn't stop when word of the curse slipped from his tongue, or his role in his brother's death, because he knew he was guilty. He didn't stop once, not until Judai held him even closer and didn't say a word back, as strange as it was.

He didn't stop until the pain, the soreness in his heart and the ache in his lungs ebbed away a little; even then, in the arms of his friend and the one he still loved, without reason, it still hurt, and he couldn't shake off the lingering scent of funeral lilies.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'light/transformation'
> 
> This chapter is short, and I'm back. Part 4 isn't actually complete yet, but most of it is, and I don't have much left. I estimate a final word count of around 115-120k.
> 
> Seven chapters this part. Well, looks like this is it, friends. It's been almost a year of writing.
> 
> next chapter: everything comes with consequences


	21. ultio/susurratio

**Twenty.  
** **_ultio/susurratio_ **

The dust settled. Days passed, slowly at first, then going past faster. Bit by bit, the scent of flowers came out of black clothes. Pain ebbed backwards and forwards. Voices spoke, hesitant and willing, needing comfort and wanting solitude, all at once in chaos.

It took a while, more than just an hour of sobbing into his friend's chest, more than the time it took to confess all that had happened in the days they had been separated. Slowly, he had let himself come close to Judai again. Judai, too, no longer distanced himself, even smiling back like he had in the past.

By the time a week had passed, slowly, gradually, things were returning to how they had been. As soon as Judai had asked if he wanted to practice, Shou had jumped at the opportunity. The following evening, both had come to the usual place half an hour early.

Shou had felt it in every pace as he ran; the new thrum in his soul and its resonance. The Soul of the Kaiser had become a part of him, its weight ever-present. No matter how hard he had focused, he had not been able to shed its presence.

The first time he'd held out his hand, as he always did when he called forth his pseudo-weapon, the same resonance had spread. He'd felt a rush through his veins. It had been a shock at first, but he hadn't felt pain. The light that he had become used to seeing form in his hands had changed, too. No longer was it the blank, basic white of a pseudo-weapon; its edges had been tinted with blue, and the blade that had formed sang as it cut through the air in an arc as he swung.

The Soul of the Kaiser was heavier. More pressure ran through it; more energy stormed through his hands as he raised it and slashed. The voice of the exorcist had called out much louder.

He had feared it. The weapon was more than just pride. It was his clan's, his family's destiny. He had been given a legacy, and his soul had been chosen to carry it.

Shou couldn't help but recall his final embrace with his brother. It was as if part of him had embedded himself in the weapon, amongst the shining links of the carved-out chain trailing down the shaft of the polearm.

He was another link in the chain, like all of the bearers before him, and he had to bear the weight of the chain.

He would bear it with Judai. _Start out small,_ his brother had said.

* * *

"Damn it, it's gonna snap on me! Hold on!"

Shou held. There wasn't much use.

The shout was a shout, and not just a thought this time. Shou heard Judai loud and clear, and his grip on him tightened by reflex. He gritted his teeth, trying to focus. His vision was beginning to haze, the brightness of the colours around him flickering, blurring then focusing. He strained, knowing he had to hold on to the connection.

It was breaking again, even if his hand and Judai's were perfectly locked, and their thoughts were in each other's heads, swarming and swimming still. He could feel it shake and falter between them, the bind, like an invisible tether, quivering against his will. The resonance was getting fainter.

Only seconds ago had the attachment felt right. All of a sudden, it had begun to crumble. The television static was back in his eyes and ears again.

Another burst of colour, then black, then white. Then, a small burst of fuzziness. The break was as sudden as the snap of a cord.

A gasp broke from Shou's throat as his breaths hitched for an instant. Trying to catch his breath, he let his hands slip from Judai's, resting them on his knees as he bent down in a slump. He shook his head, eyes shut, trying to regain his vision. His legs were unsteady; not seeing, he almost tripped over his own feet.

Judai's breaths, next to him, were just as loud as his own. His partner seemed exhausted, as if he had been running for hours. His watch, Shou realised with shame, would probably tell them their experience had been far less successful.

He let Judai get his breath back, looking on expectantly. Shou stepped back, giving him space to check himself over, before Judai looked at his watch to guess what the duration had been. They had been gasping for a minute at least; he hoped that they had synchronised for longer than that, at least.

"I think… ninety seconds…"

A further few messages back-and-forth with Daitokuji had left him disappointed. Even a complete unitas, the alchemist had said, would not last any more than a couple of minutes. Worse still, there were few clear signs of a complete unitas cycle, unless Shou was to use Judai's powers himself.

He had already asked Daitokuji about it. They had to sync further, he'd said.

So far, nothing had come. What Daitokuji said had been vague. He and Judai had already tried to work harder to sync, but their attempts had been fruitless. They could hold the unitas for over a minute, but there was no sign that it was complete.

The bind had been breaking each time. He had not been able to mirror Judai's use of his powers.

He had tried to, the last time they'd met. As soon as Judai had passed him a shadowstone, the connection had snapped.

Deep down, he couldn't help but feel jealous. Judai had managed to forge out a chain; one of the chains Shou was learning to forge for himself.

"Damn it." Judai cursed, breaths heavy. He shook his head, palm pressed against his forehead in an attempt to clear his mind of the dizzy feeling that followed yet another incomplete _unitas._

"I'm sorry." Shou mumbled. The ache in his own skull was not as intense, from the look in Judai's eyes. The flash of colour had only been brief on his side, though the snap of their bind breaking, unable to keep it steady, had left him startled. For a few seconds, he had felt as if his body was no longer his. Only now was his sense coming back. Some part of him still felt disembodied.

Trying to grasp at reality, he tugged at his sleeve. He didn't know what else he could say.

He had found an odd solace in his brother's coat since his death. Black as night, it had been firmly etched into his memories. Ryo had taken to wearing it whenever he went out on exorcist duties, and for years, Shou had watched him practice with his silver weapon and long black coat billowing in the wind, and his thin hands had been, in those moments, the hands of the reaper.

He had wondered why his brother had adopted the coat, when he had no need for one. Since he had obtained the coat - and from where, Shou didn't know - Ryo had not performed an exorcism without it.

Shou had seen it and idolised it. It was as if the coat was a lucky charm, growing stronger with every tear and snag it gained.

One day after his death, it had fallen from its hook, and as he'd picked it up, he'd caught scent of something that wasn't white lilies. His tears had soaked into it.

His father had seen him and said nothing about it. The blank face had not opposed to him taking it.

The furrowing of his brow was what had told Shou all he needed to know. His father had sensed the Soul of the Kaiser within him. Perhaps, Shou thought, he had been disappointed in him. He had not smiled at him, even if it seemed right to be happy that he had kept the weapon alive in some way.

Without the inherited weapon, a clan was no clan at all. The Marufuji had not fallen yet. Its heir was dead, the curse over and done with, but two of them lived.

Even if his father had not said much to him - other than the sorrowful funeral words of their exorcist kin - he was not yet finished with. Shou had the _Soul of the Kaiser,_ his brother's hopes and all of his dreams. He had unitas too, and a partner. He had friends. He had someone he loved, even if that someone didn't see him that way. Still, he was bound.

They stood there, together, breathing heavily, for a few minutes. As he regained his senses, Shou couldn't help but stare at Judai, noticing that his friend had frozen in place. His eyes were strangely narrowed, as if focusing, and Shou wondered how quickly Judai had recovered from the sudden shock that had been the end of their _unitas._

He was about to ask, when a hand reached out for him.

"…Shou. We've got friends coming," Judai said, in a tone more serious than he was used to. Even when they'd been practicing, it was rare for Judai to sound stern or intimidating.

His tone was not too intimidating now, but it was far from the usual laugh.

"Huh?"

"Fubuki. And Asuka. I… I feel they're around. Closer than usual."

Judai's eyes narrowed again, as he focused on something far off enough that Shou couldn't see, even when the darkness wasn't so harsh on his eyes any more. Worry ran through his head. Why were they here? He and Judai had stayed away from the edges of his clan's territory, keeping firmly to where they knew they were alone. Even if their clans were at peace, they had agreed to keep to their own parts, and Shou had only met with Asuka for the odd discussion long before sunset.

"You think… something's happened?"

He was met with no answer. Judai was already three steps ahead, looking back at him and beckoning him to come closer. He had to go after him.

He sighed, following Judai as he led him on. Judai's senses were acute; he had learned that a long time ago. He seldom made mistakes, whether he was sensing a shadow or an exorcist, in the daytime or at night.

Some part of Shou was, in all honesty, envious.

He stayed close to Judai as he half-walked, half-ran through back streets and onto bright city roads. Lights everywhere seemed to spotlight the two of them, going about their own business as darkness surrounded. People on the streets paid them no heed as they went on, heels clicking on concrete and voices meshing together in small, slowly-forming crowds.

Soon, they were back in the alleys again. Judai stopped for a minute to look around, rubbing his temples. Shou didn't hear him sniff; not once - it was something he had never paid attention to, but in hindsight, he almost slapped himself for not noticing.

Daitokuji had been right; Judai's 'scenting' hadn't developed. All he was doing was using his mind. Exorcists had their scent, but Judai had lacked the experience to truly use that part of the sense.

"Come on, this way." Judai tugged at his sleeve, pulling him out of his thoughts and further into the darkness.

Here, the streets were far less familiar. They had stumbled through them at least once before, until the chill that Asuka had spread through their bones had warded them off indefinitely. She had reassured them, at least twice, of their clans being at peace and of her being no threat to them, but Shou had not been able to quite rid himself of that fear. It was better to obey Asuka, and just to be safe, he and Judai had kept away.

There had been no threats from others on their territory, save for Manjoume. Since the time Judai had fought him, they hadn't seen him again. Judai had frozen mid-sentence a few times, swearing he had sensed him in the area, but the sensation would disappear as quickly as it had appeared on his radar.

There wasn't much time to look around. Shou narrowly avoided running into a lamp-post; even if he could see a lot better in the dark than he could a year ago, his vision was still far from perfect. He still had a long way to go as an exorcist. His training had paid off, but it was by no means completed.

He was still unused to life without glasses, and would find himself putting them on regardless each morning, only to give himself a headache and blur out his vision completely.

How well Judai could see without much light was something he still wasn't sure of.

"Almost," he breathed out, urging Shou further.

It took two more turns, two more corners, before Judai could clearly point out a figure. From a distance, it was unclear, but Shou doubted Judai was wrong. The long coat, and hair that trailed below the shoulders were signs that they were, in fact, looking at the right person; the one Judai had been tracking.

Fubuki Tenjoin stood under the light of a lamp, the theatrical mask gone from his face and muddy-brown tangles plastered to his forehead. His shoulders moved, up and down, with harsh breaths. From his panting and the hunch of his body, one hand against the lamp-post, it was clear that he had been in some kind of rush.

It was instinct. Shou ran ahead, eyes fixed on the light, Judai following a few seconds after.

"Shou! Judai!" Fubuki called, his voice a little weary between his own breaths. "Thank goodness you're here. I was going to look for you, but, well, you guys just found me… You guys must have some crazy good luck…"

There was a small spark of pride in Judai's eyes as he smiled for a moment.

Luck was the one thing Judai had never needed. Shou smiled too, filled with gratitude for the friend he had found.

"I told you, you shouldn't have run."

Asuka sighed, calmly walking up behind her brother, just illuminated by the same light as she stepped out and stood by her brother's side.

The stern tone of her voice reminded Shou of a teacher scolding an overenthusiastic child. If anything, Fubuki was more tense, more alarmed, than positively enthusiastic. Why he had run, Shou didn't know, but some part of him guessed that the reason was not a happy one.

There was a minute of silence, though nobody counted the seconds going past. There were no clocks, nothing but Fubuki's panting and the sound of the back streets at night. When his breaths finally settled, the quiet remained.

There was an ominous vibe in the darkness.

"I need to talk to you guys," Fubuki said, his voice deeper than usual, and far more serious than Shou remembered first seeing him. It disturbed him, the sound first, and then the meaning behind his words.

"About what?" Judai asked, one eyebrow quirked in wonder.

"About… about _Ryo_."

Shou's heart almost stopped as soon as the name rang through his ears again. He let out a small noise, one he hoped Judai and the others didn't hear; one of anxiety and his old childish fright.

"What about him?" What he struggled to hide was the shy quake and the faint whisper of his voice.

"About what Ryo told you guys. _Or me, or anyone."_

Shou felt the pressure kick in, pushing down on his chest. His heart raced, remembering everything. In his mind, he saw his brother's sharp-then-dulled eyes as they faltered. He heard the coughing again. His throat tried to close up, but he choked back the phantom hold on his neck.

His voice came out as a squeak, shaking. "What did he tell you?"

Fubuki sighed. The memories were just as unpleasant. "It was just before he died. He left me a message. And, I don't know if you've got the same thing."

A shiver rushed down Shou's spine. Instinctively, his hand brushed against Judai's sleeve, but he didn't let it come closer. He feared the consequences of being too near. The last thing he needed, even if he was afraid, was to start any more drama. He needed Judai to support him; he didn't want the hell of being alone without a hope again.

At the same time, Ryo and he had not been close. Their final conversation together had been their most intimate moment in years; Shou struggled to remembered anything even remotely like it.

Ryo had mentioned his mother, and the truth about the curse. Was that what he had said to Fubuki? How much did he know? How close a friend had he been?

"What… What did he say?" Shou stammered.

Fubuki swallowed, as if trying to stomach something unpleasant. "He told me about Saya. She… made a pact with a demon, and she was going to die on the same day as him. And that means _she's dead._ "

A solemn silence followed. Shou knew it too well. Three sets of eyes were unwillingly fixed on him. He nodded.

He had still not seen any images of his mother. Even if he found out what his father had done with Saya's ashes, it would do him no good. Ashes were ashes - they were the furthest thing from what Saya had been when she was alive. Ashes would tell him nothing - neither her looks, nor her character beyond the spite she'd had for his father. Never would he know if she had ever loved him.

Shou fought the urge to mourn.

Nobody dared say a word. After too long in the wallowing quiet, Judai quirked an eyebrow. His expression looked terribly out of place in a crowd tense with threat.

"And wait, what does that mean for us? I mean, if she's dead, isn't that a good thing?"

Fubuki shook his head.

"Maybe. But not totally, and that's what Ryo told me. If anything," he murmured, gloom seeping into his voice, "it's that things like that don't just leave without a trace."

Judai's eyes widened. Shou gripped his sleeve tighter.

"You think there might be… something else?"

"If Ryo was right, then it has to be." Fubuki's voice lowered. His face was marred with sad knowledge, and the truth he despised but needed others to know. "He said to me that _they'd come to avenge her."_

Shou shivered. Even if he did not want to believe it, he already had the names fresh in his mind.

"…You mean, Saya? And… _demonkind?"_

"Probably."

Judai tried to challenge. "Wait, but demons don't group together - "

"If that's what you've been told, then what you've been told isn't correct."

Judai tried to say something, but suddenly fell into silence. Shou knew it; there was nothing left to say. He wanted to run, to get away, to at least shake his head in denial, pretending what Fubuki had said wasn't right. There was no use, and he knew it. His mother was dead. Her legacy was still alive.

Was he part of that legacy, too? He looked down at his own hands, wondering if hers had been similar. The hands he had felt touch him in dreams had often morphed into claws. He had seen women with painted nails on the streets and shivered with dread.

"So, you think they're going to come here?"

Shou turned to face Judai. He could see slight strain in his expression. His confidence was still there, his old you-can't-stop-me look ever-present, but some part of it just wasn't convincing, not any more. Seeing Judai lose his mind fighting Manjoume had been enough to break the unfaltering image Shou had once had of his friend.

"That's what I suspect."

"We've been looking at patterns." Asuka added, her tone that of someone far older, more experienced, knowing. "From what we've heard about, demons don't just die without ceremony. They give it a few weeks, or months, or a year. Then, they swarm in for revenge."

"So you're saying - "

"That's it. We don't know when it is, but we're probably going to have a swarm coming here, to this city."

Fubuki finished, his voice softer than that of his sister's. It made Shou think of a mourning priest, more so than his sister, who had spoken like some firm-tongued executioner.

He dreaded being surrounded by darkness, strange beasts prodding and clawing at his mind, his darkest thoughts, worries and fears feeding them and growing in turn until he wished he was no longer alive. He had been scared of it since he was a child. The shadows were not fairytales; they were very much real, and he had been seeing them since the day he had first summoned his pseudo-weapon. He had been so small, so helpless back then, that he had struggled to even hold the shaft in his trembling hands.

"What do we do?" Shou murmured, almost pleading.

A hand moved to suddenly rest on his shoulder. Looking up, Shou found it hard to believe that the hand belonged to Judai. The warm smile that followed said otherwise.

Fubuki stopped, seeing the discomfort in his eyes. He didn't speak again, after a sigh, until after Shou was ready to look up at him again. The panic hadn't gone completely, but he needed to listen.

"…We've got a few options. We don't know how many shadows are going to come. Maybe only a few will be demons. Killing them will be the same, provided we don't make any pacts."

Asuka's elbow met her brother's side.

"…And we aren't."

"Good," she nodded.

"We don't know how much time we have, either," he carried on. "At best, a few weeks. At most, two years, but I don't think it'll come to that. Six months is supposed to be average."

Judai, Shou could see, was clenching his fists. The battle would not be immediate, but already, he could see the itch in him, urging to fight to the end.

"We'll pass on the word back to our mother. Shou, you've got a job to do here - make sure your father knows. Then, I hope, we can start some kind of talk between our two clans. The best thing here would be a formal alliance." Asuka explained. "Then, we could join forces completely. You from the south, and us in the north, and maybe we can get another clan to help us. If we get the second-degree ones to keep track of anything going on in the city, that might give us a sign."

Shou gave a nod of assurance. He had a duty, and he would carry it out. His fists clenched in determination.

"Judai, you're not bound to a clan. We can't formally ask you to join us, but if you like - "

"Yeah, sure, I'm part of it. You even have to ask?" Judai waved a hand lazily.

A smile perked up on Asuka's lips. "Procedures."

"Those suck."

Shou felt himself sigh with relief. Judai springing back to his old, happy self was what kept him stable at times, he admitted. No matter what, no matter how cold or how serious any situation that they were in became, Judai would always come back. He would smile, no matter what, and he'd give Shou a thumbs up, or rest his hand on his shoulder in a way that made his heart race, as much as he despised it, deep down. He would smile, too, every time his friend did, unable to resist it. Each time, it would fill him with warmth.

He spoke up, a little more confident this time. "So, if we join forces… We're going to fight them?"

"Even if we don't, we're going to have to. That's an exorcist's duty, right? No matter what, we've just got to fight them. They're always going to keep coming, and we've always got to keep fighting. We can't save the whole world, but we can save some of it. That's why we fight."

Asuka was right. He felt bolder, stronger somehow, recounting how he had fought. He was still alive, in spite of the odds, in spite of his mother's desires. He had survived more than a few fights, and avoided death by means of a curse. He'd learned a lot in the months since he'd met Judai - and the Tenjoin clan, and since he'd heard out those with far more knowledge and the will to share it with him.

He still bore the same name, and had ties to the same clan. He carried its weapon, and knew of its name, and how it felt in his hands as its blade whistled and sang.

He knew it was right. He had to keep going, for his clan and himself, and for Judai, for more than their ties and the _unitas._

His heart was still unsettled around him. He'd live on from that. He had to go on, and he would.

Confident, he nodded in agreement, as did the others around him, reaching for a conclusion and forging out the rest of their plan.

It was only after they had decided their steps for the following week that they split up again. Fubuki had quipped about his sister's bad temper after getting no sleep, and Judai had laughed, Asuka playfully swatting her brother's side as if he were a troublesome bug. In the moment, their serious faces had been shed and forgotten, just for a second, as they parted ways with a smile.

Shou only remembered what he had wanted to ask after Judai had waved him goodbye and set off for home, running off before his family noticed that he had gone out. Fubuki, too, had started to make his way back, but Asuka had only just turned. Unlike her brother, her walk was a little more graceful, slower - not Fubuki's haphazard half-jog - and Shou found it easier to call out to her.

"Asuka?"

She turned around. He ran to catch up to her, closing the gap.

Her eyes were expectant, beckoning him to tell her whatever was on his mind. Asuka was cold to some and warm to others, and Shou was thankful that she was a friend, not a foe. Everyone else was leaving, and now was his chance. She had known far more than he'd expected before, and he hoped that she would help him this time.

It didn't matter if she didn't have the exact answers. Her reassurance would be good enough, and he could tell her his worries, no matter what. Judai was a little closer, he admitted, but their own ideas together had come to a stop. He needed another perspective.

Shou approached her, hiding the awkward, shy tremble in his hands.

"Yes?"

He cleared his throat, hoping he did not seem too childish asking her something again. "Listen, I was wondering. You… know the _unitas?"_

He had told her the truth after his brother's death. To his amazement - though, knowing Asuka, he should have expected it - she had heard of the ability before, though its name was not something she had been accustomed to. The Latin word had her quirking a brow. Alchemist speak was, as Shou found out, rarely native to exorcists born into clans.

His confusion at finding out that Judai was a war alchemist, in hindsight, did not seem as strange.

"That's the thing you have with Judai, right?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "Well, I'm not sure if you're the best person to ask, but I just thought you could help me."

He was far from certain, but she did know a lot more than he did.

"What's wrong?"

Shou's hands were playing with each other, beyond his control. He hoped he was explaining corredctly. "It's not that it's wrong, it's just… we can't get it perfect. It's not a complete cycle. We want to get it complete."

"How come? What's wrong with it?"

"That's the thing. I'm not sure. I asked Daitokuji a few days ago, and he said something about us needing to synchronise more. Do you know how we can do that?"

She tilted her head to one side, a little puzzled. "Well… I'm not sure, to be honest. I never heard of it before you two told me you did it."

Shou tried to elaborate, gesturing wildly in the hope that Asuka would understand.

"He said we need to synchronise completely. Like, how? We've tried moving together, or holding hands more. We tried everything."

He wasn't going to mention some of Judai's more ridiculous suggestions. One evening had been spent trying to synchronise with linked arms, and another time with their foreheads against one another. He couldn't help but blush at the memory of Judai's hot breaths, and just how tempted he had been to kiss him again. It had gotten too much, but he hadn't wanted to be hostile. He'd had to propose something just as random and unlikely to work just to get Judai to back away from his face, while the heat near-possessing him flushed itself out.

"No luck?"

"Well, we can hold it for longer, but it's still not complete. He can use my powers, but when I try and reach out for his, it fails. That's how it's incomplete." Shou sighed, looking up to her with hope. "I thought you might know some way of practicing being in sync."

He crossed his fingers under the table. Asuka was by no means an expert, but she had given him what he needed, and more, in the past. He couldn't begin to imagine the knowledge she'd have one day, after her third-degree training. Her mind seemed to pierce as hard as her freezing ability.

At least, if she knew, it would save him a lot of explaining to Daitokuji. He had not been told of the curse, or any further developments. Asuka was a closer, more trusted friend.

"Hmmm… If it's just synchronising, then, I can help with that. That's one thing you get good at after twelve years of ballet." Asuka smiled. It was as if she knew something Shou didn't, more than just the secret to perfecting the synchronisation.

"Huh?"

Twelve years did not seem appealing at all, and neither did ballet. He had never been a dancer. Sports had never come to him, either. For years, his sporting history in class had been nothing but a series of failures. Even with training and experience, Judai still outpaced him in just about every action.

_Twelve years,_ Shou thought, _would be literal hell._

Asuka laughed. Shou felt his heart sink, as if Asuka had been reading his mind. He looked on, nonetheless, and it was then that he saw it. She had not been laughing at his lack of success.

The odd twinkle in her eye suggested amusement, more at his face than anything. Shou realised he probably looked like a fool.

"Well, it doesn't have to be ballet, and I'm hoping you need less than twelve years. But seriously, you guys should try dancing."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'vengeance/whisper'
> 
> I will now be updating on Wednesdays (my timezone - I understand that for some people, I appeared to be updating on Wednesdays anyway) until the final chapter.
> 
> next chapter: turn around bright eyes


	22. saltatio/concentio

**Twenty one.  
** **_saltatio/concentio_ **

"One, two, three - fuck, this is not working."

Judai groaned, reaching back over to the armchair and picking up his mother's phone. The music filling the room stopped. He almost threw it down in frustration.

Shou looked on, sighing. Judai was right. Asuka's idea had sounded great in theory, but in practice, with neither him nor Judai being a dancer, it had not been much help.

He glanced at the clock, fighting back a near growl. They had spent two hours like this, flicking from radio station to radio station, messing with just about every possible option. Pop had been too cheesy, rock too heavy, dance music the best choice thus far but hard to invent original moves to.

He was thankful for Judai's parents being out of the house. His mother leaving her phone had also been a coincidence; Judai had complained about his own being slow to work and slower to charge that morning. At least he'd been able to put on the radio on it. Shou had been a little curious as to what kind of music his mother liked, if any at all, but from what Judai had said, 'nothing special at all, just her international crap'.

It was all the same; no matter what, no music seemed to feel right. Maybe, he thought, it was just him and Judai being bad at dance.

Was giving up an option, almost two hours in?

"Well, what now?" It was the only thing on his mind. He didn't know if he wanted to carry on. What they'd been trying just hadn't been working.

Judai sighed, throwing himself back onto the couch, avoiding the armchair with the phone left on top of it. "I don't know. Maybe we ought to take a rest."

"Yeah," Shou nodded. He was about to sit down, too, before realising how dry his throat was. "Can I get something to drink first?"

"Sure, just get yourself some water. Tap's fine, there's glasses near the sink." Judai pointed lazily towards the door out of the living room, into the corridor. "The kitchen's on the right."

Shou nodded. He had been to Judai's house a few times now. Remembering the kitchen wasn't difficult for him, but Judai either forgot that, or made sure every time he came over that he knew where it was.

He left the room, finding the door to the kitchen without effort, and quickly pouring himself a glass of water. Relaxing, he looked around, vision settling at the window, and looked out at the street beyond. It was quiet, the sky an ordinary grey colour. There was little noise and next to no people around. Judai's parents were both out, his father at work and mother out on errands, or at work too - he wasn't quite sure.

Weekends were unusually quiet in Judai's neighbourhood, but in Shou's household, all days were quiet. He had tried to avoid any speech with his father and brother for years, fearing the worst. He had dreaded their criticism, and slept at night hoping they would not be so harsh whenever they did speak to him. Things had only gotten worse since he had been shamed one more time, and in the days since he met Judai, he had tried even harder to avoid conversation. He didn't want to risk spilling his secret.

Now, the quiet at home was a different sort. Occasionally, he would hear his father sigh with fatigue, or the clinking of glass as he drank in the evenings.

There was no coughing. There was no one noise that stood for pain in the house; not one loud sound, but many small ones that had kept him on edge since Ryo had died.

He knew he would have to confront his father some time. He had to tell him of Fubuki's suspicions and arrange the alliance between his clan and the Tenjoin. Maybe, if he was brave enough, he would ask his father about Ryo, and Saya.

Both people were dead. He could say names now.

He heard Judai walk around in the background, probably going to put the music on again. He sighed. Even if he was not keen on it, the _unitas_ had to be worked on. Daitokuji had only been vague, and Asuka's hint had been their only direction. They just had to keep trying. By the end of the day, if there had been nothing, only then would they try and come up with alternatives.

When he'd first heard it and thought about it, dancing really had seemed like a good option for learning how to synchronise better. Whether it was any good for _unitas_ , he did not know. Judai had been willing to try.

Neither of them were skilful dancers. The past few attempts had made him cringe hard.

Something would be better than nothing. He had to just try.

Leaving his now-empty glass behind, Shou left the kitchen and came back into the room. Judai had re-assumed the position he'd been in, in the centre of the room, his mother's phone back on the armchair and playing what sounded like the end a song, one Shou didn't recognise.

"Hey. I just changed the station, the other one was just adverts. Don't think we've tried this one."

_Just have to try._

"All right," Shou said, going back to the position he'd been in, facing Judai a a few paces away in the centre of the room.

He hoped this time would work out.

One unfamiliar song ended. Shou braced himself, hoping either of the two would be able to do something to this next one.

If there was a radio host, then they didn't make an announcement. For a few seconds, there was nothing, and Shou wondered if the speaker was still connected.

Slowly, he picked up soft sounds, ones he hadn't heard at the start. The song had started out quiet, and then it grew louder, gently as the vocals began to pick up. It took a few lines for Shou to realise that the song wasn't in a language he understood completely.

"What's this?" He asked, hoping Judai at least knew the name of the station.

"What?"

"The song. I have no idea what this is."

It really was unfamiliar, and nothing like what he'd been hearing earlier in the day. It wasn't punchy or heavy, and it didn't sound like some new idol band that was too new for him to have recognised. It was growing louder, enough for him to make out the piano and a voice singing words that he couldn't make out.

Even as he listened, the most he could do was guess that it was some ballad.

Judai didn't seem disgusted, even if he was probably just as confused by the lyrics. He tilted his head, about to reach for the phone to check, before pulling back his hand, gesturing a simple 'whatever'.

"I dunno, whatever the station's playing today. We can dance to it."

He shrugged at his own suggestion, smiling in his usual odd way. Taking a few steps forward, he kept his eyes on Shou and closed the gap between them, leaving them only a few inches apart.

Shou's heart beat faster against his will. _Stop it. Don't think about this. Don't think about him. Please don't. Not again._

He almost cried out with surprise as Judai moved closer, taking his hand. The feeling of it made him shiver.

"What are you…?" He forced himself to pull back. He felt his face flush, and wished he could hide it, or that Judai wouldn't notice.

"Isn't this how you're meant to dance to these kind of things?" Judai asked, confused look far from mirroring the blush on Shou's cheeks. "Like, don't they do this kind of stuff at fancy parties? Or, like in all the movies?"

_You might as well have said weddings, God damn you, just stop this. Friends don't do this kind of crap, and God, you know I like you, and you shouldn't be doing that…_

"I… I guess they do. I don't know. I've not been to any of those," was all he said, hiding both his thrumming heartbeat and the growing urge to slap some sense into Judai.

"Neither have I." Judai's laugh was so out of place, but it fitted him perfectly. He seemed unfazed by the situation, as if stupidly blind to the situation.

The song on the radio station was growing in volume. "Come on. Let's try it."

Carefully, enthusiastic about he prospect of trying something new - _because that's all it probably is to him, trying something new,_ Shou thought, _just like before_ \- Judai took his left hand and gently held it with his right. Shifting around, trying to find a comfortable hold, he secured his grip, ensuring it wasn't harsh before moving his other hand to Shou's back.

The feeling sent a shiver down his spine. He couldn't tear away his eyes, even as he felt himself blush harder. It was embarrassing, his friend - _my friend, nothing more_ \- touching him in such an odd way, one he had never let anyone else touch. Still, his smile was still there, warming and innocent, like summer sunshine, and he went with it, nodding to assure him that he was fine this way.

His own free hand, uncertain, mirrored Judai's actions, and slid to his back, a little lower than where Judai had placed his hold. His back was warm, and the faint muscles he had to force himself to not trace moved with each breath.

A small smile formed, Judai understanding his worry.

"Actually, I don't know. How are you even meant to dance?"

Asuka hadn't mentioned anything about dancing of the formal kind. He'd expected something rhythmic and upbeat, just like the rest of the songs; something that would obviously involve a lot of movement so they could synchronise better. He couldn't deny the song wasn't calling out to him to move, to be passionate in his actions - but in a way different to the rhythms of modern dance.

He swore he'd interrogate Asuka the next time he saw her. Some part of him was sure she'd planned for something like this, even if the song hadn't quite been part of the plan.

"Just go with it, I guess? Like in all the movies or something?" Shou cringed at what he'd just said. The last thing this was was a love story, even if he had stupidly fallen in love with his best friend.

_I need to forget that, even if we really are going to dance._

"I'm probably terrible."

With his comment, Judai made the first move, holding Shou's hand a little firmer, their fingers laced together. The music commanded boldness and flair, cymbals loud and vocals strong, then calming; as the song grew soft, they started a gentle sway, keeping their eyes on each other.

Reluctant to make any further advances, they stayed in the same motion, their hold ensuring they were in exact time with each other and the music. Steadily, following one another, there was something in it all that was as reassuring as it was strangely comfortable.

It was Shou that took the first true step of the dance, in time to the sounds of the piano in between vocal lines. He had to glance down, careful to not step on Judai's feet, and found he barely needed to. Judai had moved with him, already anticipating a move on his behalf.

Looking back up at him, Shou was met with the same contented look. _Continue,_ something in his mind told him, whether it was his own conscience or Judai's slipping in through synchronisation. _Don't stop like this. Keep going._

Whoever's thought it had been, he obeyed it, taking tentative steps back and forth to the music, with Judai following him in the start of the dance. The song had started before they had come together to dance, and he wondered how long it would last. The part of his conscience that he knew was clearly his, and not Judai's, begged for it to not end.

Increasing in volume, an instrumental rose from the gentleness; far more dramatic than what he had begun the movement to. It approached the intensity of what they'd heard when they decided to dance, and it was then that he heard Judai say something.

It took him a few seconds to work out that he'd said, "My turn," and even then it was obvious. His mind working in sync, he let Judai take the lead, the steps in the dance becoming faster, more pronounced. His grip on his back pulled the two closer, and Shou gasped as the two almost met chest-to-chest, before Judai pulled away again, dragging him with him.

Their arms moved more fluidly now, no longer frozen in position, but more willing to move. Something was encouraging it, but whether it was the music or the strange chemistry of souls that was keeping them synchronised, Shou didn't know. The connection was perfect.

He couldn't deny that something really was going on; without much speech, their bodies had moved to accommodate the other's actions, mirroring and taking firmer, more confident steps, one initiating a turn while the other went with it. He shivered as he felt Judai's hand reaching a little lower on his back.

As the song stormed into a crescendo, so did the dance; thoughts began to take over from speech. From sways and awkward steps, the dance moves evolved, two minds thinking in exact unity as Judai let go of one of his partner's hands to entice him into a twirl, hands rejoining seconds later into the same firm hold.

Shou couldn't help but think of some old movie he'd seen when the link between them told him that he could _move that way and do this, and what am I doing, and carry on, I like it,_ all at the same time; he cringed at the idea that they were anything like those clichéd lovers on screen.

Judai didn't seem to mind. His own thoughts came through in their synchronisation, and through his smile as they continued to move without a care for anything else. They were alone here, just the two of them and the song on the radio -

\- he gasped as the vocals came to their climax. With their eyes fixed, Judai's hand let go of his, quickly joining his other hand on Shou's back. He knew he could afford to fall back, and with the slightest nod, let Judai catch him in an improvised dip, falling into his arms.

Shou could just feel Judai shaking gently, uncertain if he was doing it wrong. _No, I think you're doing it fine,_ he thought, even though he was unsure himself. _Keep going._

_I can't dance, but with you, I guess I just tried._

One hand removed from his back, Judai took Shou's hand again. The song began to slow to what had to be its end. Bit by bit, it faded out, until, finally, there was near silence. The rush of thoughts and sensations began to calm down, as had the music. Colours dulled to their ordinary shades, the effect of the unitas, Shou noticed, wearing away, without the sudden breaking they had been experiencing.

He did not register the exact point that it ended. It was too soft, too gradual, too easy to lose amongst warm breaths - and the fact that Judai hadn't let go of him.

Disconnected, unison wasn't instinctive, but hours of practice were hard to break out of. Shou let go first, urging himself to go first. Judai followed, mirroring his actions.

Letting go had never felt so surreal. The _unitas_ had gone now; Shou was sure of it. His head wasn't swimming like always. Squeezing his eyes shut and reopening, he found that nothing was changing. His vision was clear.

Moving away wasn't something he really wanted to do. He was right next to Judai, perfectly so. There was quiet for a few more recovering seconds, before Judai spoke up first, loud breaths interrupting his speech.

"Wow…"

It was as if he was having trouble comprehending the whole thing. Shou shook his head, refocusing after a moment of fuzziness.

"The _unitas,"_ he said, trying to voice his suspicions, and hoping Judai had felt the same thing. "Did you feel - "

"Yeah, I felt that! I _swear_ it was different!"

"Different, as in…?" Shou asked, hoping Judai had not been as caught up in the dance as he had.

"More in-sync. I could feel _everything_. You think we completed it?"

Shou's heart skipped a beat at the thought. It had felt more fluid, more flowing, more _in balance_ somehow, but how exactly, he wasn't quite certain. He hadn't tried to use Judai's powers, and Judai hadn't tried to use his either.

At the same time, the _unitas_ hadn't snapped out. There had been no static-like mess in his head, and his vision had stayed as it was throughout. Had they really completed it?

"I'm not sure. We might have to - "

He shook his head. _No. We can't repeat this. We're friends, right? Friends just don't dance like that, do they? Friends don't want to be that close, do they? I have to stay friends with him, even if I wish he was more than that, because he doesn't, but I can't break this friendship…_

Judai sat down on the floor, his breaths a little faster than normal. It was odd seeing him tired, Shou thought, after seeing him run circles around shadows without breaking a sweat. Had the dance really been that much strain?

_No,_ he noticed. There was something more than tiredness there, even if he had slumped down. Something in Judai was making his breaths shake, and it wasn't just being tired.

"If you want, then we'll take a break now," Shou said, turning around.

He turned back to the armchair, where they'd left the phone. He had mostly ignored the song that had continued after the one they had danced to had ended. The lyrics of this one, just like the one before, meant nothing to Shou. It hadn't been bad, but the choice seemed unusual.

Why something foreign, in a completely other language? What station even played modern pop meshed with international ballads?

"I'm gonna pause it. Is that OK?"

"Hey, hold on a second, let me do that - "

Judai reached out, about to stand up. Shou didn't process it quickly enough. He had already gone back to the armchair, picking up the phone to turn off the radio. Looking at the screen, something irked him immediately, even more obvious than the plethora of song titles in English and Spanish.

"Wait, Judai… did you switch the radio off? Because," he said in wonder, fingers making a quick swipe to check again, "that was _your mother's personal playlist."_

The look on Judai's face was that of an asinine schoolboy.

His hands instinctively clasped together, fingers fiddling in a way that Shou recognised. He tried to smile, but Shou could see the wavering of the persona behind it.

"I-I didn't notice! Maybe it switched by itself? That sometimes happens…" There was a small laugh in his voice, but none of what Judai said was worth laughing about. Shou shook his head, refusing to believe.

Judai froze.

"Why did you change it like that? You could have just asked if you wanted some other music," Shou asked, raising a brow.

Judai began to play with his hands again. When he spoke, it was far from the confident tone he always seemed to exude. He was hesitating. Trying to hide it hid nothing. "I guess I just wanted to surprise you. I-I mean, it's not what we usually do - "

"You could have just said it. Why did you try and pass it off as - you _not setting that up?"_

Shou only came to the conclusion as soon as he'd said it out loud.

_That's it,_ he thought. It had all been a set up. Had he been trying to make fun of him? To play with him, in some weird twisted way? Had the kiss not been enough? Was he trying to make him look like an idiot? Would he stand up and laugh at his feelings? Would he shame him?

Judai was silent, his jaw slack but lips devoid of speech.

"Because…"

Shou slumped down, seating himself on the floor next to Judai, leaning back on the armchair behind him. Some part of him wanted to punch Judai for how borderline infuriating his idea of fun had been.

"You just want to experiment again, right?" He cried out. "You just want to experiment with me again, just like the last time. You think it's _fun_ , but it's _hurting_ me. You don't know how it feels. _You honestly don't!_ "

His hands balled into fists. If he came any closer, he really would. He wouldn't hold back, just because they had held hands only minutes ago, even if it had felt good. He hated those feelings; hated all that they stood for, hated being so honestly infatuated with someone who saw his feelings as no more than a joke. Judai would never love him back. Just like that time when they'd kissed, it was all going to be nothing more than experimentation - it would never be serious, not like he wanted, not like he'd dreamed about so many times.

"Shou? I… I'm sorry. It's just that…"

He didn't want to listen. He wanted to plug up his ears and scream at him and walk away and never come back. He couldn't hurt him, no matter how hard he tried. His hands trembled, desperate to meet skin and bone in either a blow or a touch of pure need - there was no in-between, not any more. Not when Judai was doing these things to him…

Hearing Judai plead, he sighed. He chose to listen, wondering if he would regret it.

"What?"

Slowly, he looked up at Judai in front of him. Just like his own, Judai's hands were trembling, playing with each other uncertainly to hide the doubt that was making them shake in the first place. His eyes were wide with caution, a look of something like guilt on his face.

"It's just that I wanted to do something. It was a bit weird. And I didn't want you to protest before we tried it."

Shou hoped that guilt was not just an act. He didn't know if he could believe it.

"…Why did you want to try _that,_ then?" It came out almost too harsh. As soon as the words had left him, he nearly bit his tongue with regret.

"Because, I just… I just…"

Judai's voice shook a little, and he trailed off without finishing. The tension in the air was odd, Judai's eyes flicking left and right in an attempt to do anything but meet Shou's gaze. There was no place to run, not this time.

He sighed, realising he had to give up.

"God, _I don't know why!"_ Judai almost cried out, voice straining a little. His shoulders slumped, eyes fixing themselves on the floor. His longer bangs fell forward, concealing what Shou could see was the beginnings of a blush.

He could see the strain in his shoulders. He was on the verge of… _something,_ Shou knew, but what, he wasn't sure of. He hadn't seemed tired when they'd danced, and he hadn't even broken a sweat. Was he just… uneasy?

Realising his tone had been a little too rough, Shou slowed down, realisation and guilt pooling inside of him. The last thing he wanted was for Judai to feel threatened by him. He had anered him, he had done something dumb, but…

Their _unitas_ had been perfect. Losing it - and losing a friend, more than that - would be devastating.

"Judai, what's going - "

"I can't help it, I'm sorry!" Judai interrupted, leaving Shou hanging mid-sentence. He didn't try to object. "I'm sorry if I've been a douchebag, but honestly, I can't help that you're _cute!_ God, you just… _confuse me_ when you look at me like that!"

His voice morphed into a half-laugh; less out of amusement and more clearly bogged down by obvious pain. Shou inched back, as if by instinct.

What he'd said had left his mind scrambled. _Cute?_ Why was he flinching?

"What do you mean?" _What's going on, what's wrong with you? What are you saying? Am I hallucinating all of this? I might be, he called me -_

"Like, I don't know!" Judai nearly cried out this time, more strained, more desperate than ever. "It's just that… I don't know, you've always had this really cute smile, and you're honestly really attractive, in a weird kind of way, and I've felt like this for, I don't know, months, _weeks?_ I really don't know, I mean, seriously, how are you meant to be sure about these things? I just never cared, and I never got why anyone cared about these dumb things, and then you just came along and _god damn you_ , I can't help it, you're my best friend and _I hate you because of it -_ "

Judai's ramble went on, bordering on hysteria. Shou couldn't help but stare, slack-jawed, watching him lose himself in his speech. It wasn't making sense, not at all, but he was picking out bits, and his chest fluttered with feeling; something was coming to light, something twisting and familiar, longing and enthralling, magnetic.

" - and I just feel so weird about you, but there's nothing I can do about it, because I'm stuck with it and it isn't going away. I thought I could work it out if - oh screw it…"

He gave up, hands sinking down to his sides, shoulders slumping.

"Oh, damn it. I said I'd be your friend, screw all of it…"

Before he could object, Judai's arms reached out and pulled Shou into a tight but confusing embrace. All the things Judai had said - some contradicting each other - were making his head spin. Amongst the mess of it all was Judai being there, close to him, warm and perfect and exactly the thing Shou knew he wanted, even if he did call himself nothing more than his friend.

At the same time, Judai had said things about him that most friends just didn't say.

They were still on the floor. Gently, easing it, Judai's arms loosened, and he pulled back a little, his hands still barely there, softly pressed against Shou's arms. Still on the floor, they could meet one another's gaze without reaching. Judai was close, still close, still touching. It took Shou too long to realise that his own arms had reached, almost instinctively, for Judai, as if to mirror his actions.

_What am I doing - God, why am I doing this?_

He tried to fight the thought that was surfacing, uncontrolled, in his head.

_I could kiss him again - no, this is not going to happen!_

"Yeah, I just… I just try to be friends, and then these things start to happen." Judai's words were softer now, but still a jumble. "I mean, look at this. I don't even know what this means. You just have to be perfect to me, don't you?"

What he was saying made next to no sense; he was distraught, but every time he said something about him, Shou couldn't help but want to thank him, and to hold him, and to say something wonderful about him, too…

"Yeah, you're even trying to help me… God, I even _like it_ when you're this close. Even when you're not supposed to be…"

Shou interrupted, one hand reaching to try and calm him. "I just want to help. Please, calm down. There's nothing about it."

It was a bad attempt at a lie, and Judai, for once, caught on to it. He chuckled lightly under his breath, more out of his own strange confusion than spite and Shou found himself smiling awkwardly back, even if the rest of him felt like burning.

"I don't… even know what to do about _this,_ " Judai replied, halfway between genuinely unsure and genuinely cheery, enjoying the teasing and the odd situation the two of them had ended up in. They were only mere inches apart now, breaths meeting and warming the other's skin. His hands tensed around Shou's shoulders, and as if to respond, Shou found his own hands grasping at his back in a gentle kind of suggestion.

_You don't know,_ Shou realised. _That's it._ Everything clicked. Was that the answer? He thought back, and more and more pieces of the mess that was Judai clustered together.

"You… you didn't know what to do that time, either," he murmured, recalling the first day of their meeting.

The image of the shards embedded in shadowy flesh still resounded clear in his mind, as was the tension in Judai's face as he'd walked away, and Shou had stopped him, demanding an answer. It made sense to him now, looking back.

"You tried to walk away, just because you didn't know how to explain things to me. Was that why?"

It had all come together. Now, he had nothing to hide. He'd seen enough and felt enough to come to his own conclusions, and whatever it was Judai concealed, he was sure it would surface in time. Now or tomorrow or whenever, he knew that the truth would come out.

Situation regardless, and in spite of his cheerful facade, he'd struggled to tell people all kinds of things, and he had to be struggling now.

Judai tried to tear away his gaze, but his eyes remained frozen.

"That's why, isn't it? Because you can't say things straight out?"

They were too close for Shou to be too strict with him. Half of him - no, _more than that!_ \- was desperate to reach for him, and kiss him again, kiss him so hard he would finally pluck up the courage to speak, then tell him everything. The other half told him to not even dare.

He had to listen to him; even if he had been scared, then he simply had to learn over time. He had to give him room.

He still hadn't said anything. Without thinking, Shou let his hands shift around Judai's back, moving up towards his neck. Fingers grazed against bare skin, contact beginning to drive Shou to the edge, even if he tried to conceal the wild feeling.

"I… I guess. I'm sorry, I think…" Judai spoke slowly, voice a little deeper than usual, missing the usual ever-present laugh. It sounded heavy with shame, a little with longing, though for what, Shou wasn't quite certain. "I think you're right… I'm sorry for all the pain I probably caused you. All this _coming_ and _going…_ "

He understood what Judai meant by that. He couldn't deny it had hurt to have his emotions denied, but Judai's tone made Shou's insides tighten with the same guilt. He'd live, but keeping his friend there was more important, and the last thing he wanted was to really upset him.

"It's all right. I'll get over it."

Shou knew it had to be possible, even if he wasn't sure how at this point. They'd kissed, and they'd danced, and they had to hold hands to be able to come together in battle - and even though the latter wasn't even romantic, it hurt, all the same…

He tried to move his hands from Judai's body, but Judai leaned back in, resisting. He gave up.

"You don't have to." Still far too close than he would allow any other friend to be near him, Judai's warm breath met his lips. He shivered, face flushed.

"But I…"

"I… I've got it. I've got it now. It was right there from the beginning. Shou, you're my friend. My _best friend._ You're really important to me… and not just in the killing-shadows-at-night sense. I really care about you."

Looking carefully, Shou could see Judai trembling, and he'd clearly heard something like a shake in his voice. He was uncertain again, just like those other times, but he was a friend to him, just like Judai had said, and he had to support him and help him, whatever it meant.

"You're… _important… to me_ , too," he replied, as earnestly as he could. If he had to shout it, he would. He'd wrestle these feelings aside, as long as it meant keeping his best friend close to him still.

"No, I… _I really do care_. That's why I was so scared about it. I just… didn't know what it all meant… and maybe I still don't…" Judai's hands, trembling more intensely now, along with his voice, moved from his arms to his shoulders, trying to hold on but failing, then shifted to behind his neck.

The only sound Shou made was something akin to a choked yelp.

"I _care,_ Shou, and… I've never… _cared_ for anyone as much as - I mean, I really, _really_ care about _you._ "

Before he could say anything back, Judai's hands had reached to cup his face, their lips meeting in a passionate kiss.

There wasn't a particular taste to it this time - not one Shou could pin down at least - only warmth, making his heartbeat speed up and thump louder in his chest with contentment - and _demand,_ he knew, some inner urge pushing at him to bring Judai closer to himself, to feel more than just lips. His own hands, needing something closer, pushed at Judai's back, pressing his body firmer against his own chest. It was comforting, yet burning, intense - he felt Judai's heart beat, just as loud as his own, thrumming against his skin as their mouths worked with instinct against one another, together, even if they didn't quite understand it themselves.

When they finally parted, Judai's hold loosening to allow both of them to breathe, it took almost a minute before Shou could look up, their eyes meeting and hands still shaking gently.

"God…" Judai looked on, alarmed, mouth slightly open, as the shock of what he had done processed. Shou could still feel the warmth on his lips and on the tip of his tongue from the kiss. His heartbeat pounded still, the pleasant pressure in his chest demanding more of what he had experienced.

"Fuck… Fuck it. I'm sorry." Judai winced, as if in pain again, Shou instinctively reaching to comfort him. He edged away for a second, but relaxed as soon as Shou's hands met his arms again, slumping down with his cheeks tinged red. "I-I still don't get it. I don't get what's going on, even if I feel happy like this…"

"What do you mean?" Shou interrupted, the rush still storming through him. He had to focus to keep his head from swimming.

"Just… being around you. I like you. You're really supportive." Judai refused to look him in the eyes. His voice quivered. "You've been my friend. And that means a lot to me. Daitokuji said it himself, we have the right chemistry."

"Only our souls." Shou admitted he had been dismayed as soon as he had heard that fact. Even if he had not been sure back then, in hindsight, he really had felt it. He had accepted that fact. And yet, here he was, hearing Judai saying these things…

"But still… I… I guess it's not a bad feeling. When we held hands that one time."

" _Unitas -_ "

"Not then." Judai shook his head. "That time, it wasn't _unitas._ "

"Wait, do you mean - "

"That time with the stars. The first time you kissed me."

It was then that Judai finally looked up, and Shou saw the reason for the strain in his voice. His eyes were watery, as if his friend was about to cry. His hands reached further up Judai's arms, feeling the instinct to comfort. The feeling of Judai leaning in a little, still shaking with guilt, made him shuffle a little closer again.

"I'm - "

"You don't have to say sorry. I kissed you back. If that was a bad thing, then doesn't that make me just as bad?" Judai reached back, his hands almost mirroring Shou's hands on his own body.

They were close together again, tempting enough for Shou to reach just a little further and kiss him again. Fighting back the desire, he shook his head. Judai wasn't bad. He had been the first to make the mistake. He had set things in motion. If it was anyone's fault, it was his own. Even if he had not been cursed with his bad luck, he had made bad decisions by himself.

"Yeah, call it bad, but I _wanted_ to kiss you. I still want to."

Shou's eyes widened. His heart skipped a beat.

"It's just that… I don't know what it means." Judai shrugged his shoulders, his hands not leaving Shou's arms. "I've never known these things at all. I've never felt it. I never thought I would. I… I just don't know what to do with myself…"

"Judai - "

"I just don't know why this had to happen."

"What do you mean?"

"It's like… I didn't think it would happen. I didn't think I could do something so silly. I can't believe I would want to do this… with my best friend…"

He almost sobbed as he said it, moving a hand to hide his eyes and the shame staining his cheeks a foolish red. Shou felt his own flush, his own shame, mirroring it.

"I… I didn't know either. I'm sorry I started it."

Judai's eyes fixed on his own. Shuffling a little closer, Shou could see the tell-tale sheen in them, holding back tears.

"I guess it doesn't matter who started it. We're like this now. I don't know what I can even do about it," he choked, looking down and away. Shou hoped he wasn't going to cry; even seeing him wipe his damp eyes made his heart squeeze with pain.

He had hurt Judai. He had made him feel bad, when he had been lost and confused. He had not been completely appropriate, that he knew, but he had not expected Judai to have been so… uncertain. It hurt, far more than Shou had thought it would.

Both of them had made mistakes. Still, his heart was not letting go.

"…Judai?" He spoke out amongst his friend's dry sobs. At first, he thought Judai had not heard, or that he did not want to listen.

_I wouldn't listen to me sometimes. Please, just… I hope you're all right._

"What?" Judai asked, voice wavering.

Shou took a deep breath in. He knew he wasn't quite sane to propose this.

"We could always… _try it."_

"Try what?"

"We could try being… more than friends. Even just for a while."

Shou didn't know if he had even said the right thing. It had come straight from… somewhere, somewhere he wasn't familiar with, or hadn't been anyway - not before Judai. His heart beat faster at the thought, the longer he spent thinking about it.

Some part of him couldn't believe he'd asked it out loud. He had just asked something directly, something that he thought might have a chance to happen, for once. He hadn't thought of asking seriously, not until seconds ago; he'd known he'd had no chance.

Now, nothing was certain, nothing but Judai being in contact with him. Judai's hand trailed down his arm, as curious as it was uncertain.

"Is that the right thing? I mean, what would that even be?"

Shou felt his voice tremble, as if choked. Judai was so close, so warm, so… so perfect, just like this in his arms, and he wanted to show him his feelings; the things he had trouble saying himself, hoping that Judai's guesses were right, and that this really was happening.

"I don't know. I just… I just want something _like this._ "

His hand traced down the side of Judai's jawline, thumb so softly grazing the skin that it almost felt like a tickle. Curious eyes picked out small details, tiny speckles, a fallen eyelash just to the side of one deep-brown eye, the white of it turned pinkish with tears. He felt Judai shiver beneath him as he brushed a lock behind his ear, and it bounced back in front again. He couldn't help but smile at how strange it was.

He wanted to learn more about him, find out everything and let him know the same things about himself too. Judai had already become a close friend; the closest he'd had for a long time, maybe his entire life, and it didn't feel wrong, far from it. He could pick out the hair-widths of gold in the browns of his iris and see the small freckles dusting one cheek. He had never noticed these things, not even when they had been close before, not even when they had kissed, neither time.

He had never had time to pay attention. He wanted to. He wanted to see everything, know whatever Judai was willing to tell him. He would listen, let him confide in him, and he would confide in him, too.

Slowly, carefully, he inched himself forward, closer and closer, and let their lips touch for the third time.

Judai didn't pull back. What he felt was his lips pressing back, a little uncertain but somehow willing. His own actions flowed. He pushed back against Judai, and with him too, trying hard to be careful. Being so close was something he was far from used to, but the warmth he felt was incredible. The kiss was soft and slow, a little inexperienced but, he hoped he was not mistaken, definitely loving. The feeling in his beating heart told him that, as it fluttered like a small bird in his chest.

Pulling back wasn't something he wanted to do, but he felt himself running out of breath. As their lips parted, he kept his eyes fixed on Judai's own, seeing them half-lidded with soft pleasure.

It took a few shaky moments for either one to say anything.

Judai was the first to speak, his voice an uncertain murmur in the small space between their lips.

"…Yeah. That. I… I think I want that." His hands were still rested on Shou's arms, not quite ready to part.

"Then, that's all right."

Shou held on, shyly but steadily. He didn't want to part from his friend - his lover, what did this make him? - just yet. He wished he could treasure the moment they'd shared for as long as he could.

"Is… is that what it is, then? Is it wrong that I might have… _feelings_ for you?"

Shou let himself slump a little, closing the gap between himself and Judai, as if nestling into his shoulder. He wasn't certain, not yet; what he felt was something intense and different from anything he had felt for anyone else, but it was uncertain, too, as uncertain as Judai's eyes, strangely alluring, as he looked back at him.

"I… I don't think it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'dance/harmonisation' (these aren't very original, I know, I just don't have any more ideas)
> 
> ...yeah, there you go, it happened.
> 
> If you're wondering about what the song was, well... I did write it with a certain song in mind, but just for individuality's sake - I'd like to leave it up to the reader. If you have any interpretations, comment away! I'd love to hear what your take on the 'unitas song' is. I'll put my interpretation down in next chapter's notes, but I just want to hear your ideas, friends!
> 
> next chapter: let's make ends meet


	23. concordatio/rebellio

**Twenty two.  
** **_concordatio/rebellio_ **

The sun had almost set. The last of the light was going. Shou felt Judai brush by his side as they sat together, almost leaning on one another, on one of the steps outside Shou's home.

They were alone - or almost alone, Asuka and Fubuki off to one side, deep in a conversation they couldn't believe Fubuki could have seriously engaged in. The gathering had been planned, arranged with small talks over the last few weeks. Slowly, the alliance they had proposed was becoming more real.

The air had grown warmer, too, spring having fully settled.

As Judai's hand moved, nudging Shou's next to it, he couldn't help but think of his worries. "Judai?"

"Hm?"

"Listen, do you… do you think all this will work out?"

He couldn't help but worry about it. Even if luck had been on his side and he was still alive, he couldn't help but feel on edge somehow. The threat in the future seemed to loom over, as if Saya's demon and a thousand shadows had already arrived.

He felt Judai's hand move up to his shoulder, and it startled him a little.

"Hey. Don't worry. I mean, things have been OK so far, haven't they?" Judai winked, smiling as he usually did. How he was keeping calm was a mystery Shou struggled to comprehend, even if he was far closer to him than he had been a month ago.

"Yeah…" Shou sighed. There were things still on his mind. He couldn't be certain, not even with a smile to keep him going.

"Huh?"

Shou felt something squeeze his stomach as he tried to get the words right.

"…That time. When Manjoume came, I - I was scared. I thought you were going to go too far."

He had tried to forget for months. For so long, he had told himself, over and over, that he would be all right, and that Judai would not be that way again.

It was something he had never confessed, not even to Asuka, not even to himself - not even out loud. Amongst the terrors he'd seen in his dreams, amongst the clawing hands of the woman whom he would never know, he had heard Judai snarl, no more peaceful than the looks shadows seemed to give as they pounced at an exorcist.

The image was there, too, sometimes. Sometimes, he would find himself seeing it over and over again - Judai with the stones pressed to Manjoume's flesh, and then the sound of Manjoume's boot hitting him, Judai screaming…

"…I was scared, I thought you were going to kill him."

He wanted to scream just as loud. With others around, he couldn't say it much louder than a hoarse whisper. It hurt to admit it, to tell the truth that his friend had scared him that night.

He struggled to keep back a tear. He hated himself for his fears. No matter what, he had always been scared of something. The shadows, his family, his mother, his brother, Judai on that night - he had always had fears. He had promised himself he would not be afraid, but it had all come to nothing. Years and months had gone by, and he was still like this, still afraid, nothing more than a coward…

"Damn. Shou, listen. I'm sorry."

Judai reached out, one arm wrapping around his shoulders.

Shou wished he could believe. Every part of him wanted to. He wanted to see something wonderful in the future; the future Ryo had approved, even, one of himself and Judai, already bound by _unitas-concordia_ and now, bound by something else as well. He wanted to leave Saya's avengers dead in the dust, and take Judai's hand again, and walk proud, knowing he had always been loved.

He wanted to believe, more than anything. What stood in the way was the faintest sliver of worry, that he and Judai would fail in some way.

He wanted to hope.

"Listen, I… I know it was hard, but it all worked out in the end." Judai spoke softly, more carefully than usual, whether to keep quiet or to offer some comfort. "We're both still alive, right? I'm sure Manjoume lived, too. I've been feeling him around a bit. Nobody's dead."

"Judai - "

"I'm not planning to fight him again. He… he scared me, too."

Shou heard Judai let out a sigh. It was honest. He turned so that he could see him again, a little clearer, swiping the damp from his eyes and his hair out of the way.

"…He just felt so… unstable. I don't know. You just go at someone, thinking you'll be OK, but then - damn, I remember it. I just felt sick being around him. And then, I just don't know what I was doing…"

Shou felt the arm around his shoulder grow limp before it moved away. He shuffled closer, pressing his side to Judai's.

"Was that because - "

"I… I think I know why. It's the shadowstones."

Shou said nothing. He had had his suspicions. Still, he needed to listen. Judai, he was sure of it, knew more than himself. He had been fighting for longer - and his heart seized up, just for a second, as he realised that Judai had always, always been more willing to put himself in danger.

Had that been his intention? Had there been some kind of… corruption in him?

The pieces were coming together. The questions that lingered still swum in his head.

"They're essentially darkness. I… I'm not sure, I think Daitokuji said something about that ages ago, but I don't remember. I think… I think, if you're not careful, they can corrupt you. Like a shadow does if it seeps into you," Judai explained. He had begun to play with his hands again.

Shou had become more aware of it; it was something he did when he was stressed, or nervous, or frightened, even. More than anything, just then, as the information came to process, he hoped Judai was not scared of himself.

"What about you?"

"I… I think I had that before," he confessed, after a pause. Watching him speak was painful; letting him hold it in and suffer alone, Shou thought, would most likely be worse.

"When I was starting out. Daitokuji caught me, though, and got me to calm down. I only had that once before the thing with Manjoume. I hope it won't happen again - and it hasn't, I promise. I've tried to keep it bound. I haven't let it control me again."

Shou felt him shake a little, the move rocking his own side.

"I screwed up a lot when I was learning. I thought it was cool if I made the shards literally come out of my hands. That was dumb. Bled like crazy."

The mental image made Shou shiver. The last thing he wanted was pain. He prayed that he would not have to see blood on Judai's hands.

"I… I promise, I'll focus this time. I won't lose it this time."

As if by instinct, one hand reached down, touching Judai's own and sharing what warmth he had to give him.

"I believe you."

Through the pain of it, Judai's smile slowly crept back onto his face. His hand accepted the hold, taking Shou's hand and squeezing it gently.

He wanted to tell him that he would be there too, if he needed him. He wanted to promise to be there by his side, to drag him out of that hell again if needs be. As much as it filled him with dread, Shou couldn't fight back the other side of that feeling; the spurring-on in his head that he felt each time he took a weapon into his hands. He wanted to save him, be there for him if he needed him, even if he was losing himself to the darkness. Judai was more than a friend. He would fight not only for what he believed in, but for something much simpler, much closer, as well.

In the corner of his eye, no matter how long the moment lasted, he saw the Tenjoin siblings walk off to one side, out of view. Their conversation was lost on the wind.

They were alone, not for long. For all Shou knew, they had nothing but a moment.

"…Judai?"

His friend - more than that, it was hard putting words to it - looked straight back. Shou took a breath, hoping to build up some courage. _Now,_ he thought, _I can ask him._

"Do you think, after this is over… Do you think you could teach me war alchemy?"

For an instant, he saw Judai's eyes widen, his mouth just opening with surprise.

"How come? You want to learn it?" He asked, looking a little shaken, still. Shou hoped his surprise was not of the negative kind.

"I… I'd like to." Shou confessed, trying as hard as he could to push the awkward feeling in his stomach aside. "If this _unitas_ doesn't complete itself, then I want to learn it anyway. Even if I won't be as good as you, or anyone. I just want to learn it. So, I can… _I want to do something."_

"…What do you want to do, though?"

Shou paused. He knew his reason would sound a little strange. Still, he wanted to take a chance with it.

"I want to make some kind of middle ground between our two kinds. It would be… it would be going further. But I don't want to end up like Manjoume, either. I want to do something good. I don't want to end up like him."

It was the truth. He had become weary of staying back. Even if he would never be on par with Judai, the things Daitokuji had told him had opened his eyes. Beyond his clan, beyond the norms of what he had grown up with, was a whole other perspective. Alchemy was different. It was dark, and most likely dangerous, but less of a mystery. Exorcism had always lacked answers. Alchemy had written everything out, and was still working to answer more questions. Where exorcists brushed phenomena aside, alchemists picked up the pieces.

War alchemy would give him more answers. His father, for years, had avoided any specifics, hoping he would abandon hope of ever becoming an exorcist.

Here was a chance. For once, he would be able to take on something nobody could stop him from doing. It would come with danger, but Judai would help him - he hoped, at least, as he looked back at him, silently praying for a positive answer.

"…You won't." Judai said, after a pause. "You're not like that, honestly."

"Do you think it's a good idea, then? Should I?"

Judai shrugged. "I don't know. Only if you really want to."

"What about you? I - I mean, I'd need you to help me. Daitokuji as well, but you're here, and - "

"Well, you want to, right? Isn't your own decision enough?"

Shou paused.

Judai gave him a nudge, one he didn't expect, and when he looked straight back at him, he was met with the same, familiar smile. He shifted next to him, edging away for a second - and then, he lay down.

It was not something Shou had expected - far from it. Judai seemed not to care for anyone seeing, not now. His eyes seemed to shine as he smiled on, as if not caring about anything else. Shou felt the brown mop of hair brush against his clothes as Judai rested his head, nestling in his lap in a way that felt almost wonderful.

He was about to push Judai off when he realised, too late, that Fubuki and Asuka would turn around. He didn't feel like explaining, not then. He was still struggling to make sense of not only himself and Judai, but just about everything else; his mind would probably come to no conclusion.

He knew he wasn't thinking straight again as soon as his hand - subconsciously, he was sure of it - reached to card through feather-soft hair. The grin he saw looking back at him made his heart swell with warmth.

"…That doesn't feel bad, you know," Judai chimed, looking up. Before Shou could say anything, he had already been pulled down, just for a moment, for a quick kiss. "I trust you, all right? I mean, you accepted me. And hey, I'm the one who screwed up."

Shou lifted his head and took a breath in, trying to compose himself. Even Judai acting up was no reason for him to not say what he wanted to say.

"It's all right. It worked out."

"Thanks. But honest, only do it if you want to."

"I know I want to learn more. At least, I just want to try. I don't know if our _unitas_ will even work out."

He had worried about it for weeks. Since they had danced - just once, by chance, or some oddly-timed miracle - their unitas had gone back to what it had been. No matter how hard they had pushed themselves, not even with a second, less elegant dance, the surge of thoughts hadn't felt natural. The connection was back to old ways, snapping each time.

Each time, Shou had felt despair taking over as he recalled how perfect that one time had been. He had almost broken down after hours of nothingness once.

In those moments, and in the hours after, he had never felt more thankful for Judai. Even when touches and tightly-held hands weren't enough, Judai would stay by his side. He had whispered reassurance and said it out loud. He had stayed, no matter how tired he was.

Some times, his hands would wander to Shou's own, and their fingers would lace together again. Then, there would be no unitas, but there were no words for how Shou was calmed by the silence.

Judai cleared his throat. "Trust me, it'll turn out all right. We're gonna kill these demons," he said, confidence amongst the sheen in his eyes. "We're strong enough. We can do it, right? We've done it before. We can do it again."

Looking down into a pair of brown eyes, Shou couldn't help but feel hope rising again in his heart. He knew it wasn't a lie. He had come far. Judai had been there. Both of them had their flaws. Judai was far from certain at times, and careless. Shou knew he was still a coward at heart.

Together, they had more than an incomplete unitas. They had something to hope for. They had a long way. The future was theirs, and they could take it and make the world theirs, if they tried. They could carve out their own path. They had a gift and a blessing, and they had each other, and emotions they were still a little uncertain about.

It had hurt in the past. It was a fact he had accepted and changed. He had let his ties of doubt loosen. He no longer punished himself whenever his heart beat faster for Judai.

"…Judai?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think we should tell them? About us?"

There was a small silence, before Judai hesitated to speak. Shou felt him fidgeting. "I… don't know. I still haven't figured it out."

"It's all right," he said back, trying to sound reassuring. "We have time -"

He turned around, hearing the sound of the opening door. Asuka did, too, as did Fubuki. Judai lifted himself, moving to sit as he had before, so quickly it was almost a leap.

Shou's father was there, and so was the head of the Tenjoin clan. As she stepped out, her heels clicking and youth in her eyes, Shou couldn't help but wonder if he was seeing her right. Dark brown hair in a neatly-trimmed bob, heels and a suit, a necklace of what looked like lapis lazuli; she was nothing like the dark queen he'd envisaged. Her face was almost unblemished, and she wore a confident smile on her lips.

It was the first time he could remember seeing the head of a clan, other than his own. He was almost obliged to call her 'Lady Tenjoin', but the longer he thought about it, the stranger it sounded, even if it was a mark of respect.

Asuka and Fubuki, he thought, had a beautiful mother. Some part of him longed to have known his own, but it was a thing of the past.

She clenched her fist in triumph, and Shou saw it then; that she had experience. She was a fighter, one whose formal clothing hid muscle and whose eyes had seen more than first thought.

He could still see the stumble in his father's walk, as if he had taken on his brother's illness after his death. He had not been the same man for weeks. Shou wondered if he would ever be again.

It was no surprise to any exorcist in the area that he did not make the announcement. He stepped back, hiding a weary cough. Shou's heart clenched, but settled as soon as he realised his father was only clearing his throat.

Hideo Marufuji gestured, the other clan head taking notice and nodding. All eyes fixed on her. Radiant, solitary, fearless, she almost shone in the darkness, firm and knowing.

"We have an alliance," she said with a smile.

* * *

In the blowing of the spring wind, Asuka smelled flowers amongst cigarette smoke and petrol.

She had been sensitive to small changes for a long time, even in scent, which Judai had once laughed about. It was only after he had left for home, earlier than the others, that Shou had explained to her that Judai's idea of smell was different from theirs - and she had concealed a confident smirk upon finding out that the hypocrite could not 'smell' anything special either.

As word went, he still had a long way to go, and so had she. Within the next year, she would make her plans for college, and seek out a third-degree master to train with. There were none in the vicinity whose names she had heard. The other side of the country was a more likely choice. Still, she had the money, and if it turned out that she did not, she would earn it. Her mother had raised her with morals, and she had tried her best with her brother, too, even if he had ended up a lot looser than her.

Fubuki was chaotic; more suited to the life of an entertainer than a warrior sworn to the light. He smiled most when his eyes were hidden behind a mask, and not in battle, but on the stage. _Some day, little sister,_ he'd said, _you'll see my face on a poster and wonder how I got there._

Asuka had ignored his pleas for a long time. Fubuki's dream of them being twin stars had never been plausible. She was not one for the stage. She had spent years in ballet shoes, but she had never loved the staring eye of the spotlight.

What she had come to like was the darkness; the satisfaction that came with doing what others could not. She had taken to books, theory and whatever practice she had been able to muster.

She was no friend of shadows, but as she sighed, taking a breath, she couldn't help but feel comfort. Out here, she was alone. She could immobilise a man unarmed. She wasn't in anyone's shadow, save for the walls and buildings around her. Here, she was free. She could do as she wanted.

_And you,_ she thought _. You're just as free as I am. When it's dark, our kind come out. You should be out here, too, even if you're not what you were born to be._

She could not force anyone to do her bidding. All she had was knowledge, her body's potential, and the gifts of being clanborn. She had hope, too, but hope was of no use to her. It would not change a thing, whether she wanted him to come here or not.

All that she had was time, and patience enough to stay strong as she waited. In the three days since the forging of the alliance, she had plotted enough.

When the silhouette finally showed, she knew she had waited too long.

_Should I even have waited for him?_ Yes, it had been an annoyance, and she was not meeting for pleasure. She would have been happier had she gone home with her brother and spent a little longer on the things that she liked. Instead, she had waited - she quickly glanced at her phone, forty minutes - for someone she neither loved nor hated, but was beginning to slowly despise.

He did not seem too bothered by it. She wanted to throttle him.

"Finally," she hissed, crossing her arms. "At least you came in the end."

She heard a 'hmph' from the other side of the street, as satisfied as her own tone had been. Clearly, he was not too happy about having to meet, either.

Asuka took a breath in. Whether she liked it or not, she had a job to do. She had to represent the Tenjoin clan. The Marufuji had not been difficult to work with; no doubt the fault of their dwindling numbers. Their head was far from what he had been, as her mother had said. Once, he had been a bold, young man, supposedly - all she had seen had been the ruins of him. The circles under his eyes, the wrinkles that had come in too early, the tremble in his fingers and pale yellow nails, all of it - she knew, as much as she hated to think about it, that he did not have as long left in him as her mother.

This time, though, she was alone. This was far from official business. The Marufuji had been proud once, but never had they been outright hostile.

To negotiate with the Manjoume clan would have been to jump head-first into a pit of blades.

If there was no hope of speaking to the clan's head, there was at least one of them that she could recruit for the cause. War was on the horizon. Their cards had been dealt. Another player meant more chances of victory, as long as they all fought together.

"Don't look at me like that," she stated. "I've come here to talk for a reason."

There was nothing for a few seconds. Asuka did not plan to stop him from leaving. And yet, slowly, yet suddenly, she could hear footsteps, coming towards her, growing a little louder each time, the shadowed figure growing closer to life-size from the smaller shape it had been. He had heard her, but had he come here to listen?

The worst, Asuka thought, I can at least stop him attacking me. If he leaves, then so be it. I can't force him to stay, lest he decide to rebel against us.

Keeping him bound would not be a safe choice, she suspected. No matter what, they would not be able to let him slip if they forced him to stay. There was the danger of more blood being shed; exorcist blood from all sides, without any help from the shadows.

Worse still, she knew that the man she was facing was not a pure exorcist. She could not sense it, like Judai had claimed to have sensed, but she felt it in her gut instead; a terrible pressure that she knew could only mean chaos.

He didn't come close enough for her to see his face clearly, but there was no concealing it. The right person had come to the right place.

"…I don't know what your reason is. And I got the message. Whether I answer it or not is my choice."

His voice was rough, as if he was about to leap at her and attack, but his stance told otherwise. Even if he wasn't right next to her, Asuka could pinpoint his position exactly, and her reflexes would be fast enough to at least defend herself.

At least, she thought with a sigh, he had received the vague note she'd sent him.

"Still, it's polite to reply. I don't know why you have to be so on edge about it."

"I'm not on edge."

"I'm not listening. We've got more important affairs." Asuka clenched her fists, not waiting for him to respond. "We've got word that a group of demons may be coming for this place."

"And?" The reply wasn't that of disbelief; not even doubt. It was lazy.

"We're forging an alliance of our own."

She refused to back down. No matter what, she would stand her ground. She'd met him before; clashed with him before, heard him spit language at her kind - _their kind._ Asuka had given him a gift in exchange, and he had brought it with her. It was hard to make out, even with an exorcist's eyes; a small scar on one hand that Manjoume's other hand was now fumbling to hide.

"Psh," he hissed. "Why does that matter to me?"

"Because," she continued, "you aren't as far from here as you think."

In only a handful of strides, without warning, she closed the gap between them and _slapped._

It wasn't pleasant. She had to turn away to hide her own wince, as if masking some kind of pain that had been shared between them. There was no harm to herself, not really; but she had felt no pleasure, either.

Asuka's hand had only met skin for a second, but the feel of it had left its mark. His cheek had been icy.

_I hope that you burn. I hope that you open your eyes for a second._

Whether he did, or did not, was beyond the reach of her hand.

She stood in front of him, unmoving. He would see, this time at least. This time, unlike what had come before, she hoped that he would give the alliance a chance.

As he looked up from the slap, she could see the faint wavering of eyes in the dark.

"Fuck," she heard him murmur. "What was that for?"

"You see? It's not like what doesn't concern you can't hurt you. I know you hate us, but we still need extra hands in this fight."

"Extra hands? Yeah, like always."

"Don't think I don't know your story, _Jun."_

He almost reared at her, his own arm outstretched in an instant. The name had been enough to snap him. He wasn't armed - not in his hand, at least - and there had been no tell-tale white flash. His hand was bare as it whipped back to -

to fall, far too quickly.

She heard him breathe, as if trying to hold something back, more than just the swing of his hand.

"Don't. Don't call me again." His voice was feral again, just like the last time. "Don't think you know me. You… you thought you could get me in just by coming here? Is that why they sent you? Because… because it's _you? You know what you do to me…"_

Asuka didn't know everything. What she'd seen, and what he'd said to her in the past, between blows and a rainbow of curses, had told her enough.

"I'm not here for that," she repeated, refusing to falter. "I came here to ask for your assistance. To join our alliance."

"I don't care."

"It isn't just me and my brother."

"Good. Nobody calls that an alliance."

"We're negotiating with the Marufuji. We don't just have _our kind,_ either. _You should know what I'm talking about."_

The Marufuji were reputable. Loose ties had woven that clan, and Asuka's own, close together for a century at least. Her mother had told her. Records had backed it all up. Their clans had been sealing alliances since long before German blood had reforged the Marufuji line.

For a second, she saw withdrawal in his eyes, his hands caught in a tremble. Before she could point him out on it, it had stopped, and one hand was on another again. He looked back up. His teeth were gritted.

"I _know._ And I _don't care._ If I do anything, then I do it myself. I don't need your alliance crap."

He turned, refusing to look back. His hands reached to bring his coat tighter around himself. Even when the nights were becoming warm and even if he would never feel the cold, no matter how much darkness he took into himself, Asuka doubted he would ever let go of old habits.

"If that's how you want it," she said, watching him walk away.

For a second, she lifted her hand and felt the rush in her veins - before she let it fall limp, and Manjoume disappeared further into the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'agreement/rebellion'
> 
> insert sounds of author screaming here
> 
> Anyway, three more chapters to go. These next two are almost a two-parter and are dense with content - they might even warrant being split into three chapters instead. I'm in writer's block hell right now and filling the gaps in is difficult - after that, everything else has been written.
> 
> next chapter: we're not friends/god please give me wings


	24. inimicus/mirabile

**[Warning for this chapter and the next: violence and injury]**

* * *

 

 **Twenty three.  
** **_inimicus/mirabile_ **

It was near dusk. Smoke was already in the air; smoke and sweat, smoke lingering from a fire that had started and been extinguished an hour ago elsewhere in the city, and sweat was on almost every brow, from heat and from tension.

Where the group had gathered was more tense than anywhere else. Judai had been fighting a headache for hours. The others looked on, helpless, knowing what the signal had meant.

The fire engine siren in the background meant nothing. What was more frightening, more looming, was Judai's sense. It had not failed in the past.

The shadows had gathered. Any time, they would strike. They would not be contained.

Shou knew that his father's ritual skills wouldn't last long. He, and the head of the Tenjoin clan had been holding on for hours. They had managed to encircle the beasts, and keep them held down in one area - but now, it was their time to strike. There was not long left now. Darkness was coming; after dark, keeping them bound would be harder.

The time to fight back was now.

Dread was clawing away at his insides. Asuka was clenching her fists. Anxious eyes, glanced around, looking for hope in the eyes of another. She had always seemed firm, but now, Shou could see the guise failing. Asuka's hands were shaking, her teeth gritted together, on edge. Her brother reached out, trying to soothe her with a large hand on her shoulder.

She sighed, shrugging. It fell away, just as shaky as her own limbs.

"Here," Fubuki said, the twin knives of the Tenjoin clan forming in a flash in his hands. He offered one to Asuka, and with a firm nod, she took it. It stayed as it had been in Fubuki's hold, shining, and above all, material.

It wasn't something Shou was used to. He had made his brother drop the Soul of the Kaiser when they had fought, and it had not stayed material for long. It had kept its form long enough to slash Ryo's shoulder, but faded quickly after.

The Tenjoin were different, he thought. They were nothing like his clan. No two clans were truly the same. He thought of Manjoume. When he had claimed to hate exorcists, had he really meant all of them? Had he not realised? Had he been vengeful, or just angry?

Manjoume confused him still.

Shou shook his head, tossing the thought aside. There were other things to think about. He, and the Tenjoin siblings, and Judai - all of them had a battle to fight. Once the shadows and demons were dead, he would have all the time in the world. He would be able to relax, and to take Judai's hand in a way that was different from the gravitation of _unitas_.

 _That's right,_ he thought. _We've got to do this, and then, we'll be free._ He would embrace Judai and kiss him as soon as the darkness was vanquished. It wouldn't matter who saw it; he'd tell them, there and then, and he would be happy.

"Just to repeat things - do you all understand?"

Shou was jerked out of his thoughts by Lady Tenjoin's voice. No matter how often she had told him to use her first name - _Asa_ , she had told him, _it's Asa, the last thing I am is a lady, though your Majesty isn't bad either_ \- he had not been able to break the habit.

He nodded, as did Asuka and Fubuki. Judai did, too, a little more enthusiastic than anyone else.

"We'll be keeping the barrier more or less stable," she said, the look on her face neither grim nor hopeful. "Once we start, though, we won't be able to move, and you won't be able to get out. Nobody will be able to come in, either. It's for everyone's safety. We'll keep the demons confined until you can kill them. Then, we'll have to disable the barrier, so you'll be on your own for a while."

"How long for?" Judai asked, the impatience clear in his voice.

"I'm not sure. It takes a while to remove the barrier. It's a lot of strain on both of us." Lady Tenjoin looked up for a second, as if trying to guess. "We'll get it as soon as we can. As soon as we get the heads-up that the shadows are dead, we'll start getting it down."

Shou could see the itch in Judai's whole body, telling him to rush in and kill straight away. He had learned quickly, in the first days since their meeting, that he had never been one to stay there while others leapt in. He hated all of this, he could feel; the organisation, the firm rules, the uniform feeling of everything.

 _You want to be free,_ he thought. _I know, but we promised. We promised that after this, we can have all the freedom you wanted._

They would celebrate after the battle. Lady Asa had proposed at least a small meal. It had been enough to win Judai over, even if just for a while.

_After this, we can fight like we always have. We can be together again, just like I know that I want to._

He had decided. Over and over, he had asked himself the same thing. He knew the answer, that he and Judai felt the same way. They would tell everyone after the fighting had finished, once they were all safe. They would tell them the truth, and hope they would meet it with a smile.

Judai had made him smile more than a few times. He treasured him for that reason, and for a thousand more. They would exorcise all of the shadows and demons Saya had sent, and then, they would have all the time in the world.

"All right." Judai nodded, the light coming back to his eyes at the thought of the future. Shou mirrored.

There was one fight to fight. Then, freedom. Only this fight between now and then, present and future, uncertainty and happiness.

"I'm sure we can do this," Asuka added. Behind the worry in her expression, Shou could see small sparks of confidence. Next to her, Fubuki looked firm, as if ready to leap into battle in a mere instant.

"It's five of us against a whole load of them. But you know we're better than that."

Shou knew he had to agree. When Fubuki was serious, he was rarely wrong.

 _I hope,_ Shou thought. He dared not say it out loud. Shaking everyone's confidence was not what he wanted to do. He wished he was as sure as the others, and as sure as the voice of the exorcist that longed to see darkness and cleave it into pieces of nothingness.

_But what if I'm cursed? What if I can't?_

_No,_ he had to remind himself. _You were never cursed with bad luck. You have to fight, and fight hard. For yourself, for your family, in memory of Ryou, for those who you're friends with, for Judai. No matter what, think of him, do it for Judai if the fear overwhelms you. Think about Judai. Think of what you have and will gain. Stay with him, do it for him. Don't let that darkness into your heart._

A tug on his sleeve - his brother's coat sleeve, a little big for him still - alerted him back to his setting.

"…so, is that clear? You all understand?"

By Shou's side, Fubuki and Asuka nodded, clutching tight the twin knives that they shared. Judai smiled with his usual confidence.

Shou nodded, too. It was time to finish his mother's legacy, and this time, they would win over her.

With hope in their hearts, they proceeded into the darkness - and as soon as they were in, chaos swarmed over.

* * *

Asuka threw herself straight into battle, not hesitating. All it took was a glance around, a quick one at that. There was no time. She was a strategist, but her tactics were already decided. Shadows were everywhere, and demons were creeping amongst them.

There was no visible difference. Both would fall prey to her and her weapon, and the rest of the alliance.

Needle-sharp eyes were fixed. She cut - once, twice, quickly - and watched darkness fade away as light criss-crossed through her field of view. One creature fell to the ground, silent - only a shadow, Asuka knew, demons could cry out, loudly enough to drive humans insane - and then, it was on to the next one.

It didn't matter. That was the most important thing, her mother had said. _Focus on the goal ahead. Don't hesitate for an instant. Demons will take advantage of that. Don't stop for long, lest their voices tempt you to your downfall._

 _I won't!_ Her thoughts became her mental battle-cry. She would repeat them, over and over.

She could have forged her own pseudo-weapon, and she had done that before. It took no effort. This time was an exception. Her brother had given her the Beast as a sign of respect. He had almost demanded it, on his pride as a clansman and the blood that kept them bound, that she take it. The knife mirrored Fubuki's exactly, from the length to the sharpness of the blade. All that marked the weapons as separate were the carvings on their blades. Beauty for the dragon, Beast for the maiden.

A long time ago, her mother had told her the story. Both blades were just as beastly as each other in battle, and both were beautiful. Unlike most clans, where the eldest child used the weapon they had inherited, it was customary for her clan to share the knives.

She hacked away, barely breathing. She could hear her brother, and Judai, just as intensely caught up in fighting. As soon as one foe was down, she would glance back, checking, but not for too long. She had no time to call for anyone. The entire warehouse, dark as it was, was filled with red eyes and violet-black tendrils. There were four of them fighting. She dared not count how many dark beings there were.

 _Still,_ she thought, we're lucky. _They're only shadows, maybe some demons. We can beat all of them._

She took a quick break to breathe once she had slaughtered five of them. It was fast work. She was thankful for it. She did not fight much, not usually; her brother took over first-degree duty when she could not, and more often, she found herself reading and studying theory over fighting in practice. The third degree would be in sight, once this was over, once high school was over. Then, she would go as she pleased.

Every second, every minute, every slash of shining weapon through shadow brought her closer to her goal. Her muscles ached, and she had to cry out as she fought. Her knife stabbed through the eye of a cat-creature, cut across a six-limbed lion's maw, cleaved through the belly of a lumbering dragon. There was silence, and cries; Asuka knew she had taken on a demon, whichever one it had been. She had succeeded.

She did not count her kills. She went on, one to the next. She did not care for numbers.

"Another one down!"

Judai's voice called out to all in the background. Asuka ignored it. There was no need to announce it. If Judai was to shout once for every one slaughtered, he would surely go hoarse.

Some part of her wanted to shout back, to remind him to get on with the job and fight more of them. Before she did, she found herself fighting another creature. Once she had killed it, the pent-up frustration was gone, and there was no need.

Nobody kept track of time. Once the view was clearer, just a little - enough for an exorcist to see the walls well - she could afford to rest more. Asuka knew she needed those rests. Her arms ached, and not even the feel of her knife in her hands was solace enough.

Shadows knew no rest. There was little peace on a battlefield. As soon as she thought of staying down a little more, a shadow came into her field of view. Seeing it meant stranding immediately. There were no excuses.

Turning around, she leapt back into her stance, and went in for the fight.

Twelve years of ballet had had its effect. She was fast, faster than it, fast enough to get a close look at the creature and make a quick stab to its side before it could even open its jaws at her. Reptilian limbs lumbered, but they were no match. Asuka could leap and slip out of the way, and cut as much as she pleased.

Its maw opened in silence - shadow, only a shadow - showing clusters of teeth. Its tongue protruded, jaws shaking with weakness.

 _Only a little more - this one's tough!_ Asuka reached back, ready to stab.

There was a sudden crack in the air.

Asuka recognised the sound immediately. She turned - but did not see Judai.

_Cracking - stones, crystals, war alchemy, where is he?_

When her eyes finally did catch a glimpse of him, her body froze up. He was nowhere near. Judai was still in the warehouse, still safe - but far too far out in one corner, locked in combat with what had to be some kind of demon.

She thought of shouting his name. Before she did, there was a second crack, and she was forced to look back.

The shadow she had been fighting was down on the ground. Crystals - like Judai's - stuck out of its head. They had pierced it right through.

There was no time to do anything else. Before her eyes, it was reduced to smouldering, fast.

She turned around. There was nobody there. On went the fights behind her and all around. More creatures were still in the building. Fubuki was out to one side, Shou off to the left and Judai just further behind him, having just defeated the demon he had been fighting.

_Another war alchemist?_

There had to be no others. The place had been sealed. They had a barrier.

"Has anyone told you how useless you are?"

Her teeth clenched. She turned back to where the shadow had been. It was no more, but something else was. In the dark, exorcist's eyes traced the form of a figure. Her heart seized in an instant.

Asuka knew who it was.

She ran, forgetting the shadows left all around her. The closer she came, the more she could make out the figure. His dark clothing made it no easier, but she knew it; she knew him, she knew him anyway -

"What the hell are you doing here?" Asuka yelled, her fist already drawn back with fury. "You said you wouldn't be here!"

The gap wasn't large enough for him to be out of bounds; if she ran she could stab him with ease. Immobilising him would be too much strain. Asuka knew she couldn't risk draining herself.

She gazed at him, meeting him head on, a few quick steps cutting and cutting their distance.

"I never said I wouldn't be fighting," Manjoume hissed back, mirroring her movement. "I said I wouldn't be part of your alliance. I fight on my own side. There are demons here, and I'm not fighting for you!"

"You still came!"

She leapt, throwing a punch. Somehow, he dodged, moving only inches out of the way. Before he could throw one back, she had already lashed out with her elbow. It hit him in the side, and he gasped slightly with pain. A second strike followed, this time with the handle end of the knife Asuka held, more a tight prod than a slash.

As she watched him wince, she hoped the bruise would be souvenir enough.

"Fuck." He swore, clenching his injured side. He was hunched over, and Asuka struggled to see his face past the mess of jet-black hair shrouding his eyes. "You're all the same, it doesn't matter, you're all here to mess with me. You're all here to hurt me…"

Before Asuka could object, Manjoume reached out with one hand. It was slow, and it shook, but Asuka only looked on. He looked weak, and the way he was slumping - he was about to fall, she realised, and she took those steps forward, leaning in to support him.

The sound of smashing erupted and boomed through her ears. Asuka darted forward, almost kicking Manjoume. Her eyes shut tight. Something burst out. Glass smashed loudly again.

The feel of dust on Asuka's tongue made her choke. Her balance was lost, the sound still ringing on in her ears, and she fell. The ground hit hard. She bit her tongue as she hit the floor, her vision blackening for a moment. The sound of metal hitting the ground rang in her ears.

He head pounded, and so did her bones and flesh; everything did. There was blood in her mouth. It took effort for her to look up. As soon as she did, muscles straining, she saw Manjoume above her. He was still battered, far from his best, but she was aching all over and the scent that filled her lungs was making it harder to focus on anything.

"What… what the hell?" She barely breathed out. The force of the fall had left her breathless. Her knife lay by her side. Urgently, she reached out to keep it from fading away.

Her stomach turned with the sudden blow, and she struggled to breathe. There was a blur in her eyes. Every second she knew she could not move for she hated. As soon as her body had broken out of its frozen state, she let out a violent gasp. Her eyes fixed themselves on dark boots right in front of her - but her soul urged her to look back.

She quivered as she turned around and saw it. The corner of the warehouse was still a mess of smoke and dust, but the more she looked, the more she could make out its cause.

Crystals jutted from the fading smoke, dark but deep, a strange swirl of colour dancing within them and amongst the smoke. Around them was broken concrete and a tangle of torn wire. She couldn't take her eyes off them as they began to lose form and dissipate, fading into the air and then into nothing.

She did not need to see the complete end of them. She knew. Her eyes darted straight back to Manjoume. It was too late. He was already up, the pain gone, or masked well enough to seem gone.

"What did you…?" Asuka strained, pushing herself back up. Her heart was screaming, her body on the edge from her blow. He wasn't going to get away, whatever he had done; she would fight him, no matter what - she could see, as she got up, and stood, closer and closer, that his smirk was back on his face, as if his weakness had been only an act…

"I told you. I fight for myself."

In his hand was a shadowstone. He tossed it up and caught it again.

There was a second sound, this time from a different part of the building. Asuka winced, hearing her brother yelp out, startled by the sound and the feeling, the burst from yet another corner. Crystals, just as dark, came like fast-blooming petals.

Fubuki leapt back. The shadow he had been fighting was not fast enough to escape. Its huge maw opened in silence, before neither Asuka nor her brother lost sight of what was part of it and what was part of the crystal. Both essences were just as dark, just as twisting and unnatural as each other. Both seemed to twist together, before both faded away. Within a few seconds, nothing was left.

Fubuki stepped back, catching his breath. He turned to look back, the same eyes as his sister shooting shock at Manjoume. The hand holding his knife was shaking.

"What was that?" His voice shook as much as his hand.

Asuka shook her head slightly, trying to make sense of it herself. It was as if the burst had come from nowhere - like Judai's war alchemy, but something was different. It hadn't felt the same; it had been larger…

"Guys, be careful! That's an alchemy trap!" Judai cried out, his eyes widened with surprise. Almost choking on dust, he gestured for the others to get away and distance themselves.

"A _what?"_ Fubuki yelled back.

"Daitokuji told me about them. They're triggered when you come near them. Just try and keep out of them, he's got stones all over the place!"

"Stones - you mean those ones?"

Shou shivered. He didn't want it to be true.

"Yeah. They're meant to cancel out darkness. If anyone with light or dark energy steps into one…"

* * *

_"…they go right into you!"_

Shou froze for almost too long. He shook his head, trying to keep his eyes on the shadow in front of him. He faltered, and it lunged forward, its maw spreading so wide it threatened to swallow him whole. Desperate, he jerked the Soul of the Kaiser forward and up. It penetrated the roof of its mouth, and he pulled it away, taking the opportunity to look back at Manjoume, now the centre of attention in the midst of a war.

Manjoume tried to turn, as if panicking, trying to ignore all of the eyes glued to him, before settling his gaze on Judai.

"Shut it, this isn't your affair!"

Being on opposite ends of the warehouse, for once, was a blessing for them, Shou thought. He did not want to see one alchemist trying to savage another, not after the first time.

"Rules of the alliance! You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!" Judai called back. One hand pointed straight out. "Right? So come out and join us, we've got one enemy here!"

"Why should I?"

"Well, why do you hate us?"

There was a pause. For a moment, Shou felt the smallest trickle of hope. Manjoume hesitating meant one thing - there was a chance. If they could change his mind, they would have an ally. Him joining them would mean one less enemy and one more pair of hands and feet in the fight.

Judai was quiet, too, anticipating. Other than the screams of demons behind them, there was no sound.

Manjoume's brows furrowed.

"No."

Shou's heart froze. There was something, they could still change his mind -

"You can't understand it!"

Before Judai could say something back, the sounds of resonating footsteps were already beating on the ground. Asuka had strained herself up in the midst of the argument, and she was refusing to listen. Manjoume had not been looking her way when the sound of a slap echoed through the wailing of shadows.

One of Asuka's hands had her weapon in it. The other was empty. The silence did not last long.

"How many times? How many times do we - "

She didn't finish the sentence. She had to leap back to avoid the sudden swing of a punch. Groaning, she swerved and moved forward, sweeping her leg. The miss was narrow. There was less than a second between her and one strike, then another - then one of hers almost hit.

She never let go of her weapon, and it flashed in the darkness. Her unarmed hand moved more.

"You go, I'll deal - with this idiot!"

Shou silently wished for her safety. He had no choice; as much as he felt the urge to leap at Manjoume and disarm him and chain him again, it was Asuka who had chosen to face him. He could not ask for revenge. His enemy was the darkness, as was Asuka's and her brother's, and it was the enemy of all of their kind.

Darkness. Judai had leapt back into battle against some shadowy form he couldn't quite name. He saw stones glint in the darkness, then crystals forming to pierce.

 _There are traps here,_ he thought. Manjoume had triggered something terrible. A brief glance to that corner cemented that it was all real. Alchemy traps, made by darkness.

At the same time, Judai had said it himself. _If the traps are there to stop darkness…_

Shou realised in a second, feeling the Soul of the Kaiser resonate. The weapon seemed to be calling to him, telling him to fight. It was one with his soul - but just as important was that was the other half of the _unitas._

_Judai!_

He and his weapon were forces of light. For him, the worst was that the crystals would cut him.

_They cancel out darkness…_

Judai's war alchemy _was_ darkness. He was in far more danger than anyone else.

It was his time. Shou knew it. No matter what, he had to protect Judai.

He took a step closer, knowing he couldn't quite close the gap. Judai was fighting, and fighting well, flicking a stone up to confuse his enemy before placing a hand down on the ground. The spikes that came from below were too sudden. The demon had no chance to dodge, and it cried out in agony.

Shou shook his head, fighting the urge to cry out himself. Demons were stronger than shadows. They were not silent.

Fubuki's guess had been right. There were demons. Judai was fighting one; not with light, but with darkness.

He looked up again. Judai was fast; already, he had taken advantage of the demon and ran to its back. The killing blow was coming, he knew it.

Shou did not expect Judai to give him a thumbs up before a lone shard pierced through the tiger-demon's throat. Its mouth opened in a wild scream, but made no sound as it plummeted down, fighting back being useless, and hit the cold ground. Flashes of purple began to break away from the creature as it faded into the darkness in death.

There was no time to gesture to anyone else. In the background - Shou gave a glance - Asuka was locked in combat with both Manjoume, and staring at a serpentine being behind him as it came closer and closer. Fubuki was off in the other corner, dealing with two creatures at once.

He looked to Judai, waiting for him to get back so they could corner a shadow or demon, but the time Judai was taking just looking at his hands was becoming unsettling.

"What's wrong?" He asked, hoping he was uninjured. As if by instinct, his hand reached for the bandages in his pocket.

"I'm out!" Judai turned and gestured. "Need to get new stones, I'll use this - cover me!"

He dropped to his knees, hands reaching out. Shou made out the form of his fingers in the dark as he worked to take the essence the shadow was leaving. If he had not been too late, he could still form the stones. His back turned to him blocking the view, and Shou could no longer make anything out.

_I will!_

His eyes traced up to the ceiling, looking around. There wasn't much light, only a small hole in the roof, but the haze in one corner made his heart seize.

Something was up on the ceiling.

It was a dark shape. It soared from the corner, and dropped a little further down. Shou cursed under his breath, knowing he had to do something. The shape was far out of reach. Not even the _Soul of the Kaiser_ was long enough to reach that far high. Focusing on it instead, Shou fixed his gaze on it, hoping to strike as soon as it fell. It had to fall down -

It didn't. It darted again, this time to one side - then, down, then, to another -

It was fast. Shou couldn't focus. His vision wavered, going back to Judai in terror. He was still gathering energy, forming the stones in his hands - and as he looked up again, everything spurred into panic.

The creature was still there, poised to strike from above.

Judai had his back turned, already on edge with the presence of darkness. He was there; he was weak, bent down still, trying to gather the last remnants of shadow to forge a new set of stones with.

The shadow - it was a hawk, he could see talons and wings - was about to swoop down.

_Judai - I can't let this -_

He could do nothing. It dived.

Shou screamed out his name, but it wasn't fast enough. The Soul of the Kaiser fell from his hand.

_Don't - don't come close, don't you dare! I can't!_

He breathed in and leapt, practically pouncing into Judai - not onto him, but hitting his side enough to push him away from the creature's sudden strike, as if to shield him with a body smaller than his. He didn't think of whether it would be any use or not; all he knew he could do was try, and trying was the most critical thing.

His chest met Judai's side in a sudden collision. His eyes squeezed shut with the impact.

There was a quick snap - something deeper, less corporal than a bone breaking - and in a rush of wild colour, Shou screamed, feeling sharp edges prick and push at his back - and for the slightest of seconds, pierce.

* * *

 

There were colours, and light in his eyes. His head ached and it took a few seconds of struggle for him to compose himself.

Finally, his brain connected with the rest of his body. Pain came in. His leg hurt a little, the fall having been far from pleasant.

He was hearing thoughts again. His head felt as if it was on fire. Napalm rushed through him, veins being scorched by hot fluid, and more than just blood. Even with his eyes shut tightly - he feared opening them and seeing Judai's blood on the ground - he could see the pulse of unnatural lights in his mind.

_Ow, that hurt - you're heavy, you know that - can't breathe - holy crap -_

The voice was Judai's, as clear as it had been when they had danced _in unitas_.

Shaking his head to recover from the shock of it, Shou tried to prop himself up. He had landed on top of Judai, just as he'd intended, and knocked him out of harm's way.

Something was weighing his back down. He wanted to turn around, but the weight was too much. The sharp pain was no longer there. Only the pressure persisted, and something like a faint burning feeling was still there on his back, pressing down and pricking at once, but not hurting.

It didn't feel terrible, and the lack of light pouring in from above was a sign for the better. It wasn't that something had fallen. No, he realised - what he'd felt hadn't been a force from above. It had come from within, though what it was, and how and what had even happened, he did not know.

He could still feel the same vibe, the same pressure as _unitas_ , but something was clearer - purer -about it. The colours were less intense, and he could open his eyes without blinding flashes and overpowering thoughts, like voices, streaming through his system, more like spring water than the dirt of a turbulent river. There was Judai's voice there, but whispering - _can you get off, I can't see, sorry, hope you don't mind -_

"Ugh…" All he could do was croak. He tried to transmit something, but all his thoughts were full of was _pain_ and _confusion_ and _Judai, God, you're alive._

He moved his head up a little more, away from Judai's face. There were no wounds that he could see on him; maybe a graze or two, but nothing serious. He sighed with relief, groaning a little at the effort it took him to raise himself with his back so suddenly heavy.

"Ngh…" He let out a small groan. It wasn't just from throwing himself at Judai, he realised. It wasn't pain as such as it was an odd kind of strain.

The further up he looked, ever so slowly as not to hurt himself, the more he saw in front of him. His hearing was faint, partly blurred out with the feeling of _unitas_. What he could see was a pair of black boots, dark clothing, and a small flash of silver, and he could hear breaths in the darkness.

Fubuki was standing there, in front of him a seeping shadow, one of his clan's two knives clutched firmly in one hand.

Shou saw him pant, his back rising and falling as he regained her breath and swiped his fringe from her forehead, no doubt damp with sweat. He tried to call out to him, to at least thank him, but found that nothing could come out of his mouth. It was parched, and his throat seemed too dry to even move comfortably.

To his relief, he turned around - and then, his eyes widened.

"Shou? What the hell? Are you two OK?"

He could barely move, even if he was getting his strength back, little by little. He nodded, but she seemed uncertain.

"Oh, God, you're not, what the hell happened? Your back, I mean - "

The feeling was still there, that something pressing down. It wasn't crushing, far from it - it felt settled. Some part of Shou didn't think it was going to sink down any more, though why, he couldn't put his finger on it. The weight felt like a part of him, almost, in the strangest of ways.

The pain in his leg was far slighter, and was probably nothing more than just pain. His back, he realised, wasn't the same.

He needed to see it. He could feel his body becoming accustomed to it being there, but whether it was bad or good, he didn't know. It wasn't comfortable, but the small turning movement he felt able to make was at least, better than nothing.

What he could see - what he could make out - made his heart almost leap from his chest in shock.

Dark crystals were protruding from his shoulders, almost like glass, but a dark, shifting violet colour instead. They jutted out, as if they had burst out of him. Somehow, they had clustered at the centre of his back, then spread out in radial shapes, and flattened spikes of obsidian had spread out from his shoulder blades like the small wings of a newly-fledged chick.

They were stiff, and somehow felt like they were not quite part of him; the crystals weren't like bone or flesh. It was as if they weren't even attached to him, but they moved when he did, nonetheless. Each small crystal was fixed in place, more like stone reflecting the light than the feathers their structure seemed to entail.

In one or two spots, he could feel the prick of the shards embedded into his skin, cold on the surface where they had torn into the back of his coat. The pain ebbed back and forth, somehow stabbing continuously. The more he held on, the more he was numbed to it.

He couldn't restrain himself from gasping as one weary hand reached to trace down the edge of one 'wing'. A faint sting pulsed in his fingers as his hand moved. His very soul shivered uncomfortably at first, in a way he found hard to describe, but settled quickly. He was adjusting, slowly but surely, even if he didn't know what it meant.

"Shou." Judai's whisper forced him to look back, almost falling forward again in surprise. "Shou… Hey. I… I think we completed it."

"We… what?" His head was still spinning.

_"Unitas-concordia."_

Nudging from below, he tried to get out from underneath Shou, but it was too much. Letting his arms shift instead on their own, Judai reached out with one hand and unclasped his tight fist. In his palm was a shadowstone.

It was then that Shou realised it. The stone in Judai's palm was the same colour, and had the same marbled darkness that he had seen in his makeshift glass wings.

Judai's faint whisper still rang in his head, and he felt tears prick. He didn't stop himself as they spilled. By instinct, his hands rushed to grab at Judai's, feeling the same rush grow warmer and far more intense, and his lips broke into a smile beyond his control, just for a second.

There was a soft crack, first one then many more, and suddenly the load on his back was getting lighter. The wings, or whatever they had been, were dissipating into nothingness. Like the shadowstones they had come from, like the shadowy beings they had been once, like Judai's own strange kind of alchemy, they were fading away, and Shou felt the strain on him ease. The noise of rushing _unitas_ thoughts began to quieten.

There was no sound of snapping. Neither was there the sudden rush that came with the unitas ending. There was no cutting of some invisible cord, no feeling like falling from a tether.

For a few seconds, even with the battle not stopping around them - Asuka leaping at another shadow, Fubuki calling out - all Shou could hear was Judai's voice and the sound of his tears, and in amongst all of the darkness, all of his happiness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'enemy/miracle'
> 
> I honestly hated writing this chapter. I don't do action! (laughs) But there's not long to go now. The warning at the top applies for the next chapter as well.
> 
> next chapter: i will provide music for it


	25. jactura/lacrima

**[Warnings apply from previous chapter]**

* * *

 

 **Twenty four.  
** **_jactura/lacrima_ **

Asuka groaned, narrowly avoiding yet another blow.

Fighting the urge to use her other hand, the hand with her knife, was harder than the physical fight she had found herself in. Manjoume was fast. She could barely let herself breathe.

She had had to hold back so much she had lost count. If not for the knife, she would have choked him; deep down, she was thankful for the weapon she was forced to hold to keep holding, lest it fade.

Her knife met crystal. Glowing silver met shards rising from nowhere. It was hard to keep dodging, and harder to hit Manjoume physically. Deep down, she could not abandon her feelings; the feelings that told her she was fighting one of her own, or at least, someone who had been born an exorcist, and therefore would die one. Even if there was no holy weapon, and only darkness clouding his hands, Manjoume was not her enemy. He was not shadowkind himself, even if the darkness had tainted him. He was not -

Too caught up in thoughts, Asuka hesitated, her knife coming too close to pale flesh. She pulled back. She couldn't hurt him, not properly. Inherited weapons were lethal to shadows. To other exorcists, they were a show of pride.

Was he even in the right mindset, to be taking her on, to fight her, exorcist to exorcist?

It was too much to stomach. Asuka was not fast enough. There was a sudden rush.

Her arm seared red. She had no time to look, but she felt it, gritting her teeth in fast agony. Her other hand strived to keep the knife held, grasping on to the injury. Fingers slipped into slick, fast-flowing blood.

Asuka swallowed. There was no time. She took a frightened step back, then another, head down. It was hurting, and there was blood. Her knees shook suddenly.

Quickly realising, she looked up. Manjoume was still there, his body poised to attack one more time.

 _Finish me,_ Asuka thought. _You wanted to, right?_

He did not close the gap. Manjoume stopped, leaving the space she had made in between them. His fists stayed clenched, the telltale shadowstone darkness coiling around his fingers like string, wrapped around his hands in a way that made Asuka shiver. He looked on, straight at her, panting slightly.

 _That's it_ , she thought, past the pain in her arm. _He's tired. I could go in now -_

"You can't do anything. I know where they all are. I don't even need to trigger them. They're all over the place."

Asuka's heart stopped and started. Her stomach turned.

"Your alliance just made it all obvious. You thought you'd trap a bunch of demons in here… but that's left you just as trapped."

It was true, she realised, with her mother and Marufuji outside, keeping hold of their barrier. Not even they could go out, not until every shadow was slain. They were here, without help, only darkness and one another, but even now, they were on different sides of the building, and in this fight, she was alone, up against him.

She had the choice, to shout out and ask for a backup. It would be easier, she knew - but dishonourable. This was a one-on-one challenge. She was hurt, but she had to stand on. She was a fighter, not a weak child, an exorcist of the Tenjoin clan.

 _Bandages,_ she remembered. _Bandages. Someone has bandages. I've got to get out of this! Shou had some, I think…_

"We're not weak."

Her tone faltered. She had to stay calm, even if it hurt. Manjoume would see it. She did not know how far he was prepared to go in this state; she feared death, deep down, as much as she denied it. She did not want to die; least of all, by the hands of someone who could have been her ally as much as her enemy.

"We're not weak, Manjoume. We're a team. We're with you, too, if you want us to be. We… we don't have to fight."

She tried to say it again, but found her voice growing hoarse. She knew she was almost exhausted. How long she had been fighting for, she did not know. Her muscles were screaming at her to the point of wanting to fall.

She took a step back. Then, another. She didn't know why; all that the voice in her head was telling her to do was to go. It was only when she took back her third step, and her sudden fourth, that she began to feel that something was wrong.

"My brothers said they'd be with me. Back when my mother was still alive." Manjoume sighed. His eyes turned sorrowful, just for a moment. Asuka swore she was seeing him falter.

"Back when… but no. It doesn't mean anything now. You don't know. You think everything's perfect for me, just like it's perfect for you. It isn't. You just don't know. You think you know. You only think you know…"

The rest of it Asuka didn't make out. Whether it was only a murmur or her own ears drowning in noise, she barely saw Manjoume's lips move before turning into a snarl, and suddenly, he was running at her again.

Screaming out with the pain still coming from her arm and rushing through the rest of her body, Asuka pulled back her arm. If it came to it, then she had to stab. She had refused to, but now she was hurt, and saving Manjoume was looking less and less likely.

He was coming closer and closer, with a stone in his hand. She just had a little time. Seconds ticked away in her mind.

She was running out of ideas.

_Do I stab? I can't stab, I won't stab!_

She suddenly ducked from his blow, and in desperation, slammed into Manjoume. Her arm wouldn't listen to the voice in her head, and instead of reaching to stab, her hand didn't come close. Instead, it was her elbow that met Manjoume's ribs as he came close, about to drive crystals into her stomach.

She was the faster of the two of them. Her move came first, and then, she had time for a second. Her empty hand, and the one with the knife, in a fist with the blade sideways, pushed.

Manjoume's eyes widened. Before he could do anything, he stumbled back. His arms waved, losing balance.

Asuka didn't know what hit her - but suddenly, she was taking steps forward, and her hands pushed him out again.

His eyes were wide for a second - then, he hit the ground, and there was nothing but black on the floor -

_Crack!_

The sound was sudden.

Asuka froze. The sudden pain coming back was too much, and she fell to her knees from shock. Her feet were fast enough, and she had just managed to get out of the way. Only the toes of her boots were dusted over with grey. She coughed, trying to push dust from her lungs.

Her knife had already disappeared, back into nothing.

She glanced around quickly. Around her, the others fought on. She had no time to call out. She had to stand up. Even if her vision was hazy, just from that one stumble and the dust surrounding her, she had to fight on with them. She couldn't bother them.

Straining herself, she finally stood, wincing at the pain she felt as she put weight on her arm. It was still bleeding, not as much as it had been before, but bleeding red still. One hand pressed down to the wound, the knife her brother had given her disappearing as she shook, bearing pain. She could run back, and right now, she had more to do than just fight.

She almost stumbled as she took cautious steps forward, towards the pile of dark clothes amongst fading dust. Already, the crystals had gone, retreating back into small stones. They lay there, by the side of their fallen user, now useless.

Asuka fell to her knees. Hands were quickly wiped on her coat. They roamed, shoving gently at Manjoume's back, before moving on to his legs. There was little light in the area, but enough for an exorcist to see the bare details. His upper half - Asuka sighed with relief - seemed to be dry, though the dark stains and wetness on his lower legs made her stomach turn.

A quick glance at her own hands, now just as damp, told her all she needed to know. He was out cold. Manjoume had been fortunate. He was still breathing, but she could only hope the wounds on his legs were not deep enough to reach bone.

He was down. She could punch him as much as she wanted, but - _no,_ she decided. Morality screamed at her not to fight back.

With a sigh, her shoulders slumped for a second. Manjoume was a harsh person. He had called her names and fought her head-on, and threatened to lose more than just his own sanity. Still, she thought, he was human too. Death was not something he would be facing today. She did not - could not, not as an exorcist - wish death on him, nor anyone else.

She hoped he wanted to live, too, because this time, he would.

Groaning, her hands slid into position, pulling him up. He was still limp against her. The heave of his chest and back reassured her. In the darkness, she smiled like never before. Manjoume was heavy, but she would keep every promise. He had rejected them all, but he was human, and she had sworn to protect all of humanity. She was an exorcist, and a valid human being at that - and no matter what, Manjoume was, too.

Lifting him wasn't easy. She cursed, almost dropping him in the process. Finally, once she had hoisted him up, she took one last look around her - there were no shadows, not in front or behind - and made her way forward, gritting her teeth as she bled.

* * *

Shou gasped for breath, the last of another dead shadow seeping out of his reach and into the air.

He was on the verge of collapse. The shadow horde was nowhere near its former size now. It was almost over, he knew. The pressure around him had loosened, and the walls were clearer in front of him. It was still dark, but there was nothing he could do about it. He could breathe, at least.

The Soul of the Kaiser flashed in his hand, before disappearing. Manifesting the weapon was effortless now, but it was still a weight in his hand. His body needed rest.

The fight, he knew, was nearly over.

His shoulders relaxed. Brushing a stray lock from his eyes - his hair was damp with sweat and probably dust - he took a moment to look around.

His eyes widened with a twitch, just for a moment. As dust clustered around, making them itch, he reached to rub it away. They opened again, after a few seconds, still watering. Continuing to recover, he turned again. This time, he paused.

He could see a shape striding, almost cutting through the dark as they drew closer. Shou made out the figure of a person, something odd about them - carrying something, he realised. Their strides made firm sounds as they walked on.

They emerged from the dark, and he could see clearly now - Asuka, head down with fatigue and strain in her limbs. In her arms, she held Manjoume's body. She'd carried him, clearly, even with what Shou could now see was a gash on her sleeve, the red barely visible but the torn threads around it a telltale sign.

Manjoume was still.

"He's all right. He can breathe. I'll move him aside." Asuka gasped out, accepting help from Shou as he helped to lower Manjoume onto the ground, away from the wreckage in the corner. As soon as he had been laid down, Asuka herself fell to her knees. Clutching her injured arm, she was on the verge of collapse.

She cursed, teeth gritted, before looking back up to face Shou. "Damn it. I'll be OK, but he'll have to stay here."

Shou's hands, reflexes working, reached into his pockets. Finding what he needed, he almost thrust them in her direction. "Bandages. Just for now."

"Thanks." Carefully, as not to hurt herself, she took the roll, unwinding more than enough. She pressed down the end of the bandage roll as Shou wound it around the injury, before the latter struggled to tear through the remainder with his teeth. It fell to the ground, Asuka pressing the bandage down to her arm.

"I'll deal with this, I'll be back up in a minute! You go on and fight!" Her shouts filled Shou with determination.

His strength was virtually back.

"And be careful!"

He nodded back at her, confident for once, and took off for the depths of the warehouse again.

He rekindled white fire in his hand, and felt the _Soul of the Kaiser_ take form once again. Cold metal met warm skin and the surge of blood beneath; he felt the spark of holy light within him. _Come on, come on!_ it screamed at him, and he denied it nothing; seeing another shadow leap down in front of him, he took his weapon and slashed.

He barely saw the flash of crimson eyes before it shifted, the attack managing to cut it but not kill. Shapes like teeth protruded from above, taking advantage of Shou's position to strike down. Maw wide open, the shadow swooped down; Shou countered, moving the pole back so that its blade blocked it. Straining but coping, he pulled the shaft back, then raised it again.

This time, it was perfect. The monster pulled back with a roar, falling back. Violet tendrils streamed at either side as Shou slashed one more time, the tell-tale mist forming around him as the creature's presence faded away.

There was no use staying there. Another one of the creatures was down. There were others. He had lost count of the number he'd gone through, but the space was much clearer now. He could make out more walls and the ceiling and all of the floor now, and Fubuki, who had moved to the front to deal with two shadows at once.

A quick glance and the skip of his heartbeat told him their job was almost complete. With the two that Fubuki was moments away from executing, they had no more than a couple to kill.

_Three - I can take on at least one!_

Asuka was out of action, keeping Manjoume safe and bandaging up her own wound. Judai was half-standing, getting his breath back. He was only a few metres away.

"Judai! They're nearly gone!" He shouted, feeling the relief welling up inside. It was over - or almost over, but that didn't matter. Only easy targets were left now.

Judai turned back, and his heart leapt with thankfulness. He was uninjured - tired out, maybe scraped here and there, but otherwise fine. From what he could see, there was no blood.

"Gotcha." Breathing heavily, he lifted his hands from his knees, flicking one of his stones up in the air like a coin. Shou had gotten used to the gesture. It was a sign of relief. Judai wasn't hurt. They were all fine.

"Hey, Fubuki!" Judai turned, calling out. "You want to go tell the grown-ups?"

His old, lighthearted tone was back. Not even a long time fighting, almost dying even, had left any damage. Shou smiled, hiding slight envy.

With a nod and a quick sound, Fubuki stood, letting the two shadows he had expertly slain turn to nothingness. "Sure. Let me just breathe."

"All right! We'll deal with the rest. Two of them, right?"

"Judai - "

"I can deal with them both!"

Before Shou could object, Judai was already up ahead, storming straight in. There was no stopping him, Shou knew, not unless he was to jump in. He reached out.

His body protested, muscles aching with fatigue. Feeling tension sting in his arms, he knew he had to let Judai go. How he could fight for so long was beyond him.

 _Please, you can do it. You can, I know you can._ Silently, he prayed as he looked on, guiltily wishing he could be of more use.

"Come on, you gonna get me?" Judai raced on, gesturing past the shadows as he ran past. He tossed the stones up and down as he stopped, finding himself a place where both creatures could see him. One was in each corner of the building. What they were, Shou couldn't quite see. Both seemed to be silent.

_No more than shadows. Good, now finish them and get back here._

He didn't expect them to be as fast as they were. Before Judai could move, one was already footsteps away, in what Shou swore had to be only a handful of seconds.

"Ha!" Judai jumped back. Catching one stone in his hand again, he ducked to avoid a blow, turning with haste to drive a crystalline edge into the beast's side. The wound wasn't deep enough. Reaching over, a dark claw tried to grasp at Judai's arm.

It made contact, then gripped, tight as a vice. Shou gasped as spindly fingers twisted around Judai's wrist. His legs tensed, knowing he had to run in.

He had to run - no, he couldn't run, not now - but he had to - _what do I do?_

"I'll be all right!"

There was a sudden slash, and Judai stepped back. His free hand still clutched onto the second stone. The one held by the beast broke free of its grip. The shadow spasmed as crystals dug deeper in.

Regaining his breath, Judai made distance. "Now," Shou heard him shout, as he ran back in, almost pouncing onto the shadow - and then, there were more crystals, more breaking shards, as they burst through the monster's skull. He couldn't see much detail, but with the way it was flailing, as Judai's firm back rose up and down with steady breaths, it was over.

There was one more quick flash of dark. That was the end.

Judai turned around, gesturing him a thumbs-up. His wrist seemed firm and straight, even after being held by the frightening grip. Shou breathed out a sigh of relief. He had been right. This was no problem. This was it. They were done.

Before he could call back, Judai was already on the run again, and it took a closer look, and a reminder, before Shou realised. There was one more shadow left.

The other shadow had been far slower. It had stopped and started, leaping and pausing in patterns while Judai had fought with the other. Whether it was foolish or cautious, Shou didn't know. Either way, Judai was not letting it past.

"Come at me! Come on, then!" He seemed to toy with the beast as he beckoned it. Shou saw its legs tense - like a leopard, he thought - ready to jump.

Judai was faster, as he hopped out of the way. The creature sped on, almost going too far; it turned around, just in time. Its belly huffed, as if breathing steam from its nostrils, hot on the chase of its enemy. One great set of claws lashed - once, it missed, twice - as Judai darted from one side to the other.

Its head swayed in confusion. Judai took a step to the side, and then back. Closer it lumbered, and he stepped back again. Within a few seconds, there was no sign of its dizziness.

Judai breathed in, and stepped back again. The attack was faster this time. Back and back, he was forced to retreat.

"I'm all right, don't worry!"

Shou nodded, but his heart wouldn't listen. Judai swerved once again, the gap between him and the creature shrinking and shrinking the closer it came. He had not expected the speed, and Judai had never been one for hard plans. Back was the only direction.

 _I have to go in, what am I doing - I have to -_ Shou gritted his teeth, taking his own decisive step forward. It was going to come, and Judai would hit the wall, and he needed help now. He had to come in and fight.

He scanned around, hoping Judai would not come too close. He needed space to come in, there was space by that wall -

_No!_

His knees froze.

Shou knew his eyes had grown better than Judai's, beyond any ordinary human being. He could see a glimmer amongst some debris. The longer he looked, hoping it was some kind of dust or a piece of glass, the more of it came to him. He shook his head in horror at the realisation. The glimmer was tell-tale.

He wasn't imagining it. He could see that small glimmer - and another, and another, too close to be just coincidence, there in the corner. They were tiny, but just clear enough for an exorcist to see.

Horror surged through him.

"Judai, there's a trap! Manjoume's - "

Whether Judai had heard or not, he did not know. There was no time.

What he did know, was that as Judai took the last step and turned to face him with a sudden gasp, his head had dropped forwards and his shoulders had hunched, and the shadow creature had frozen in place.

Violet lightning. Something was striking the wall, a series of black, violet, red, engulfing flashes encircled both beings.

_"Judai, move!"_

It was no use. It was as if the world had slowed down, just for a second. Shou saw it all, every stark detail.

Judai was frozen. All he could see was a shake in his hand. The shadow had frozen, too, paralysed.

Something glittered on the ground, one more time. There was a loud, violent crack.

Hell burst from all directions.

There was crashing, and breaking, and dust.

* * *

Silence filled everything.

Shou opened his eyes again, slowly, hearing the sounds of cars in the distance. The city hadn't changed. Dust circled; he coughed as it settled. His eyes stung a little; he rubbed at them, having dropped his weapon with a displeasing, harsh _clang_ as it his the ground. Wincing, he cursed himself for not paying more attention to his eyes. 

The light was more vivid, more present. Shou turned. There was the reason.

Where the trap had been sprung, half the wall and some of the roof was gone. Odd cables stuck out at all angles. Stone had cracked and fallen to the ground. Faint streetlights peered in through the hole. Dim orange mixed with grey and the cruel navy blue of the sky. Around him, there was nothing other than shade and artificial light.

There were no roars or growls around him; nothing but breaths and what seemed to be remnants of rubble shifting around, falling still. Pieces of wall, the size of small pebbles, laid amongst great, rough slabs on the ground. Broken glass reflected what light there was.

_Judai._

As soon as the dust settled, his legs sprang, forgetting all that was behind him. He ignored the calling of his name behind him and _ran._

He didn't care if he fell. Rubble was everywhere, and he almost tripped as he ran, careless and mindless. Judai was hurt, and that mattered more than anything else as his desperate heart raced. Ignoring the other voices behind him, he fell to his knees and began to dig, hands clutching stone and splinter and rock and whatever else was in that heap. He did not want to know all that he was touching; it was already too much, and he felt his head spin at the stench of blood and earth and dust and literal hell.

"Judai! _Judai!"_ He called his name, over and over, like the voice that had bound them together in _unitas-concordia_ sharing their thoughts, calling out until he couldn't breathe without his throat hurting. His hands grew weary, scraped raw by the rubble he threw out to either side. He had to help Judai. He had to, no matter what, even if he was hurt too in the process…

Voices cried out, ceaselessly, on and on in his head. It didn't matter any more if it hurt.

The spurring-on of the voice of the exorcist was the last thing he wanted to hear, not because it was telling him to fight regardless of anything, but because it wasn't Judai's.

When he finally saw something move underneath his reach, he let himself breathe. Tears of relief were beginning to sting at the corners of both eyes, dust no longer pricking, but forced into repeating stabs. Hope rose again in his chest, his vision blurring. He was going to get Judai out, and they would come out together, free of their worries and happy and proud…

His hand met something that could not be rubble.

He pulled away, reflexes impossible to suppress; his eyes, those of an exorcist in the darkness, saw more than just blood and dust on his fingers.

He forced himself not to gag. His head was beginning to spin as he saw more and more of what he had uncovered.

_Judai!_

Judai had lived; he could see his chest rise and fall, the sound of struggling, harsh breaths making Shou wince. Judai had lived - but the state of him…

He borderline _screamed._

Shou was hit by a shivering wave. His hands trembled as he shook his head in disbelief. Suddenly, the pain in his leg did not seem so harsh any more.

Judai lay on his side. Everything was dark. His eyes could see nothing but red.

Where the trap had been sprung, it was clear that it had been effective. There was blood on the floor, far too much of it, thick pools; the shards had disappeared, but their marks were clear. The clothing covering Judai's stomach was torn and soaked through. Looking closer, Shou could see the vivid colour underneath. The cuts were thick and wide, where the trap had pierced through Judai's torso and chest.

He gasped at the sight. Another tear, another stain, just below the neck.

There was blood around Judai's mouth, too, with more of the crimson pooling around his hair; Shou couldn't see where it was coming from. Noticing more blood around his cheek, trembling fingers pushed a sticky lock of hair out of the way and fought the urge to flinch back, as sickness rose inside - there was more red around the side of Judai's head, and something more than blood coming from one of his eyes.

The other eye was half open, but dim. Still, there were breaths, turning to struggling croaks.

Shou was still shaking his head at the sight. _No. No. Please, anything. Oh God, no._

"Judai…" His own voice was faint, pitch shifted to the point where it hurt. _This isn't happening, it_ cannot _be happening…_ "Judai…"

He was met with no answer.

Judai's body convulsed. Shou let out another gasp as he saw the red in Judai's mouth, and the small spurt that emerged from between his lips.

"Judai, please…" He hurt, he was sure that he hurt… "Please, no…"

Still shaking, he fell to his knees, ignoring the disgust that came with his knees meeting warmth and fluid - _Oh, God_ \- to try and shift an arm below Judai. His sleeve grew wet quickly, making him wince; but he had to bear it, he knew, so that at least he could check for any more damage.

Shou almost threw up at what he was feeling.

His fingers began to sink into cut-open flesh where Judai had been pierced; he moved them, quickly, teeth gritted. His head began to swim and it suddenly became harder to focus. Eyes still unused to life without glasses, his vision blurred and refocused, even in the darkness, where his eyes still saw best; all they could see was what was in front of him, even if he shut them to cry.

The killing blow already been dealt. Worse, he was still alive.

_Judai, oh, Judai…_

He wanted to scream, but he couldn't. It was too much to even make a noise above a croak's volume. Judai himself was stone-quiet, the rise and fall of his chest the only tell-tale sign of him being alive.

Even that, he could see through the tears, was slower. As much as he fought to deny it, what he was seeing, and feeling was real. His arms reached, trying to pull him closer to himself to at least hold him, maybe smother some of the bleeding. It hurt, more than in the physical sense; hurt him more on the inside.

"Shou, is he all right?" He heard Asuka shout behind him, followed by the thumping of footsteps. He didn't turn around.

He didn't say anything. The silence made him feel sick.

"…Oh God, no. Judai, please, stay with us!"

She was by his side in a rush. He felt Asuka nudge him, more by accident than anything else. Her own hands reached out, trying to scan for wounds. Judai was nothing but wounds; he heard her wince with horror as blood smeared on her palms.

_How do we stop it? What do we do, how do we save him?_

His entire mind was swimming.

"Judai, please, stay with us…"

Asuka was calling behind him. The gasping coming from her throat was a stab in his own. It hurt to look anywhere, to hear anything, to be so close and yet to be of no use. His chest was closing up, and suddenly, for a moment, he couldn't breathe.

As he fought back, he recovered his breaths, his heard screaming out from within. His hands struggled to stay stable. Behind him, more footsteps rang out, but he barely heard Fubuki's voice as he came running back, closer and closer, through his own tumult of feeling.

_Please, no, this isn't real, this isn't - I have to hold on, I have to hold you…_

Desperation stirred within him, then rushed. His hands shook with fear. What was before him was something he did not want to believe. Still, there it was; it was real, just like the blood that had stained his hands and stained his coat, even if the black fabric had hidden the stains.

Shou felt an idea form in the chaos. "Wait, please, stand back. I can try."

He sighed, gesturing to Asuka. Obeying, she stood and backed away.

The stench of blood was making his head spin. He nearly gagged. It was everywhere. He had to face it. He took a deep breath, focusing less on the fluid and more on the body it was coming from.

Gently, he took Judai's limp hand into his own. His eyes squeezed shut.

_Please, please, just let me do this, let me hear you, please don't be dead, Judai, stay with me…_

He knew begging would be no use, but he had never felt more desperate. His father's frightening eyes, his brother's cutting tongue, the fear that his mother's curse would always be part of him - everything had been scaring him, but nothing had come close to this, to seeing his friend, the one he knew that he loved, fighting to live, and knowing his fight was about to come to an end; an unfortunate one…

Judai's hand was growing cold by the minute. He gripped it tighter, as if his own life depended on it.

 _Please, Judai, let me - one more time, just let me_ -

There was nothing, not even a squeeze back. For a second, Shou thought he felt something twitch.

_One more time -_

The rush ran in. Shou almost cried out as the sharp wave of unitas stormed into action again. He felt the link form, waver then stabilise. His vision focused through the colours as it fixed itself again. He knew it, it had worked, something was working, Judai was still here -

There was a stab. He jerked, teeth gritting. His whole self was suddenly hit with bolt upon bolt of pain. He fought the instinct to reach for himself. The pain was everywhere. More than his body, more than any wound, his whole soul felt as it was tearing.

_Judai, please, stay, I don't want you to -_

He thought, focusing hard, hoping it would transmit. He had no idea. Judai was weak, too weak to hold on, but if he could think, it would be enough. He would hear him again. He would find out where he was hurting the most, and he would help him, and then, the others would bandage him and they would call someone and he would live, Judai would live -

_I can't - damn, damn all of it -_

_Judai!_

The voice was a miracle. It rang as clearly as any thought always did in their _unitas_ state. Judai was alive, just like he'd wished. He was clinging on. Shou knew it; hope was still there.

_Judai, please, stay there! We'll help you!_

_Shou? Thanks - no, you can't. It's everywhere._

A cough tore through the silence. Shou fought back against his own rush of memories. The corners of his eyes were pricking. He wanted to fight back the feeling, his soul screaming as he held on.

He was fighting a battle he felt he would lose.

_Please, let me do something. I can't let you -_

_Sorry, I screwed us both over._

_You didn't! Judai, please, stay with me!_

_I don't think I can. Shou, I'm… I screwed us over. I screwed both of us up…_

Shou's heart sank with despair. He wept, not knowing what to say or to think. His head spun at the sight and smell of blood. There was nothing he could do, no matter how hard he denied it. Judai wasn't going to make it. They were going to be broken apart, and Judai deserved to live for so long - Shou, for an instant, wished he could have taken the pain and died in his stead -

His eyes widened, remembering.

_Wait. Please, don't go. Don't give up. You said that to me, right?_

_If… Shou, you don't have to -_

_Please, let me. I can save you. I… I know. There's something._

There was nothing, just for a second. Shou swallowed, hoping the worst had not come. His thoughts and Judai's were one; some part of him knew that Judai already knew what he was thinking. He silently begged for a _'yes'_ in the emptiness.

_…You think it… might work?_

Shou's heart almost burst from his chest.

_Please, anything. I just want to save you._

_Even if it hurts you?_

_Even if it hurts me. Even if it is what it is. Please, just lend something to me._

_Lend… what?_

_I don't know. Whatever it is that lets you do alchemy._

He could hear Daitokuji's voice resonating in his mind. He was far from an alchemist. He was Judai's exact opposite. It was far from sane to dare to attempt alchemy, and the worst kind of alchemy, too; the alchemy of souls.

He could keep Judai alive if it worked; even as some kind of entity other than a human being. Judai was going to die regardless, the wounds deep and unforgiving.

He couldn't help but remember what Daitokuji had said.

 _It's another kind of_ rape. The word sent a shiver down his spine. He shook his head, realising what he had said.

… _No. It's wrong. I can't do that. Forget I even thought of it._

_It's not - not if you say it -_

_No, please. I can't hurt you like that -_

_It's painful…. I can't hold on._

_Judai, please, I beg you, stay with me!_

_I can't - I think, if you want to, you know that's the only way…_

_What do you mean?_

_I just… I just want to live -_

Shou shook his head. The _unitas_ rang true in his head, even when the words made no sense. Judai was telling him to do the unspeakable. For a second, all he could think of was his mother.

But Judai was saying it. He had told him to try it. He had to be certain. The chance was there, even if it seemed like a taboo. If he allowed it - if Judai was still thinking straight - then there was nothing morally wrong with it, even if he still felt sick thinking about it.

_I… just want to live._

He had to ask him, for definite. He had to be sure he hadn't imagined it.

Slowly, his gaze fixed itself, fighting the reflex to look away from where one eye had once been. His hands shook as one held on tighter. His throat burned, desperate.

"Are… you sure?" Shou asked out loud. He doubted he would hear any answer. His heart trembled with terror. The last thing he wanted was to act against Judai's will.

For a few seconds, there was nothing.

Slowly, Judai's head moved in response. Up and down. More confidently after a few times. _Do it,_ it said, far more than a shudder.

There was no mistake about it.

Shou realised it then; that as much as it disgusted him, it had to happen. It had to take place. It was insane, but it was happening. Everything ached with dryness and the taste of tears not yet fallen.

He had to take matters into his own hands. He had Judai's approval.

The _unitas_ gave out, the familiar snap setting off a sting in the back of his mind. Then, there was darkness again, and emptiness in his mind. His hands - he could feel them much more now, again - were still sticky with blood.

It was finished.

Shou sobbed, knowing it was the end. All he had in his arms was the dying body of his best friend.

 _…And a chance,_ he thought, _and a chance. The worst kind of chance. The worst kind of thing._

 _The desperate, the mad, and the dying._ Daitokuji's words resounded in memory. The chances were slim, but he knew it: what would plague him more was knowing that he had given up without trying. He knew he had doubted himself once; he remembered himself, feeble and scared and thinking he was alone in the darkness. He remembered the terror: the feeling of wanting to cry.

Judai had helped him to stand alone and strong, and given him what he needed to bear his own blade in combat. Judai had given him that, and more than he'd imagined.

Now, Judai's blood was seeping into his clothes, and staining his hands.

He wasn't going to lose Judai. If he did, then he would lose himself, too - but in the end, he would die having tried his hardest.

_Thank you. I'm serious, thank you for everything._

Judai had nodded to him.

He shrugged off his brother's jacket, black falling onto dust, dust staining black. His shoulders trembled, back shaking with fear, pleading to any divine force, if any was listening. He begged, under his breath, and begged; he begged for luck and forgiveness.

His hands were stained with dust and Judai's blood. The pain in his leg was still throbbing. He ignored it.

He had to begin.

"Asuka… Fubuki. Please…" He couldn't turn to face them, eyes fixed to the floor. His voice came out only as a series of sobs, quaking in his mind and his throat as he tried to voice his plea. "Please…" He couldn't say it, didn't know how to. He knew the name of the action, but feared everything that came with it. "Please…"

"Please…" He finally spoke properly, stuttering and on the verge of screaming again. "Please, lend me your knives."

Twin gasps sent shivers through him, drowned out by Judai's breaths.

"…Why?" Fubuki asked, voice strained. Shou could hear him fighting back sobs.

"Please. I… I need to do this."

He needed their help, too. He couldn't do it alone. He lacked the extra hands, and the courage, and the time. "I need to do this. For Judai."

"Shou, if he's - if you're…" Asuka breathed out. In her voice, he could tell that she knew things he'd never suspected she knew before. "You… you don't want him to suffer…"

That was true. Nobody, no human, thought Shou, should have to live in agony, with no hope of return. Judai's breathing was becoming more strained, lungs taking the toll. Shou's own knees had become stained with dark; with his friend's pooling blood.

Fubuki picked up where his sister had stopped. "You're right. We can't… let him suffer."

Shou's head lifted a little, eyes becoming fixed once again on Judai. It pained him; more than anything, it hurt, more than his own shallow wounds. Here was Judai, the one who had saved him and helped him and been by his side, who had _loved_ him…

_Was this going to be the right thing to do?_

Fubuki already had both knives in his hand - his own, and Asuka's, rematerialised.

"All… all right." He choked the words out. "Please. Fubuki, Asuka… Please. Both blades. Please. Come here."

_Would they forgive me?_

Hesitant, but knowing there was no choice, the siblings stepped closer, before kneeling down on either side of Shou - Fubuki on the left, Asuka on the right - and holding out both blades, one each.

The dragon and the maiden were on opposite ends. Fubuki held the Beauty; Asuka held the Beast.

Both handles faced Shou. Neither Tenjoin wanted their knife to be the one to end Judai Yuki's life. Closing their eyes in acceptance, they waited for Shou's decision.

Shou took a deep breath, trying to numb out the sounds of pain. He needed to end it. Careful as not to cut himself on either blade, he took the handle of Fubuki's knife. Gently, moving the edge away from the elder sibling's fingers, he pushed the knife, turning it so that its tip faced himself.

Asuka's remained as it was. Fubuki opened his eyes, jerking at the unexpected action. Both knives remained in their owners' hands.

One edge faced Shou. One was still pointed at Judai.

_Do they know what this is?_

Shou nodded, silent. Asuka trembled, seeing what had been arranged. "Shou… What do you - "

_"I want this."_

"Are you crazy?" She almost dropped the Beast, teeth gritted with fury. "Shou, you're not _committing suicide!"_

"I don't want to die."

"Exactly! You can't ask to die here! We're not killing you!"

"I don't want to die," Shou repeated. He knew he didn't have the time to argue. It had to be ended.

Fubuki burst in, "Then why - "

Shou sighed. The hands that had moved the blade moved up, wiping tears. "I have to." He didn't have the words, nor the phrases - all he had was actions, things he'd only heard about; Judai's voice calling and comforting. Judai had said it to him. He had to do it.

Judai's body convulsed, as if choking on blood. Now or never, and he hoped he was right.

"We… Someone important to Judai, his _teacher_ … He told me about this. And I'm… I'm going to try it. Please. I asked you. Please… _trust me._ "

_Will they do that? Will they just trust me?_

A pregnant pause hung in the air. Silence reigned for those moments, broken only by breathing. Judai was dying.

Asuka's hands tensed around the handle of her blade. Her eyes met Shou's. Her eyes were red, too, cheeks streaked with red and pink and trails of water. Shou could see she was far from secure. Her hands were gripping her weapon, but trembling. This Asuka was not the elegant beauty Shou had first seen her as, nor was she the warrior woman she'd proven herself to be. Asuka, he saw, was just as human as him, or as anyone else. Both were weak. Her brother, too, with his shoulders hunched and his back weak, had shed his old, proud persona. These were true people, Shou knew. People that had just the same doubts as him.

"I'll do it." Asuka said first, breaking the quiet. Fubuki nodded, unable to say a word.

Their hands became Shou's, as he took Asuka's wrist and guided her closer to the centre of their circle, him and Judai leaning against the wall, opposite to him, with the Tenjoin siblings to his left and his right.

Letting go and leaving them there, he reached to his side, where Ryo's coat lay. Fumbling around, barely able to see, he searched for the pockets, finding both quickly. Clumsy fingers worked, reaching inside the one bearing most weight, clutching around the small objects inside and drawing both out. He clenched them tight, as if holding some treasures, before shuffling back to his position and reaching for Judai's hands.

He shivered at the feeling of contact. Judai's hands felt almost wrong; too light and too limp. Too cold, he thought, though he was sure he saw his chest rise. The breath spurred him on.

Placing one identical object in each hand, he heard Asuka and Fubuki breathe, almost in unison, upon seeing the small, black stones in his palms. He had picked them out of Judai's hands, holding back sickness.

_Thank you, Judai. Thank you._

Another tear fell.

"Now…" Shou addressed the siblings, hoping they would understand his instructions. He took hold of Judai's hands, ensuring the stones were secure. "Now, join your hands. But hold the knives, just… just like that."

His mind was putting together the pieces as they moved, even if he could barely focus and had no idea of the outcome. As Fubuki and Asuka moved into position, he moved his hands, ever-so-gently, nudging them both into where he felt would be the right places, slightly out, the holders facing each other with the handles of the knives meeting together, blades pointed to their left and right, in opposite directions. The hands of brother and sister reached for one another and the knives they held in their hands, reaching out with the blades at right angles to one another, their hands joined, as if in a mirror.

He could tell that neither was happy; that he did not need to see. They still do not know, he concluded. This was for Judai, and though he was far from sure, he had that strange feeling inside. It screamed at him, told him to act, told him to do it.

He recalled Ryo's words. _Everything has a purpose._

It was awkward and makeshift, but had to work. He held his breath. The blades were aligned, one facing each way.

"Good… Please, just hold still. No matter what happens."

He moved into place, one knife's tip pointing straight into him. The sight sent shivers up his spine. He had to stay calm. He couldn't falter -

Judai coughed, something seizing up in Shou's chest at the sound. Coated with sweat, heart pounding almost out of his chest, Shou gripped Judai's hands tighter, the stones firmly encased, thin white flickers - exorcist's flames - emerging from his hands in tiny bursts. He pulled himself closer, moving his hands and the stones within them so that he was clutching Judai's shoulders.

It was almost a final embrace.

"I'm sorry if this goes wrong," he whispered, loud enough for only himself and the one who had changed him. "I… _I love you. So much._ Thank you for everything."

He pulled away, and so ended the closeness. His hands remained fixed on Judai's shoulders. Shou moved back, struggling to stop himself from shaking, taking deep breaths until he had calmed. The knives' tips were left just touching Judai's chest and his own. He closed his eyes, face tight, preparing to act.

He thought of Ryo again. _Don't be afraid._

_Judai, I'm sorry, forgive me. This is the end._

With his eyes wide open, knives in between, Shou pulled Judai's body forward, holding him tighter - and thrust himself in at the same time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'sacrifice/teardrop'
> 
> August 31st. Happy birthday, Judai.
> 
> Music for the chapter, as promised: 'Elegy' by Globus, skip to 5:08 and go on. The whole song is great, but that bit specifically, at maximum volume with headphones.
> 
> One more chapter next Wednesday.
> 
> Once more, with feeling.


	26. nilum/specula

**Twenty five.  
** **_nilum/specula_ **

The original intention of alchemy, he reflected, was to transmute. Daitokuji had said it once. From the old to the new, a transmutation, no matter how small or great, was a change of some kind. They followed set rules and were based solely on the reason of science. Transmutations were a way of restructuring, and therefore, reforging, remaking, from old into new.

Alchemists sought to create. Exorcists were the opposite, and lived to destroy. Beyond his brief experience in the state of _unitas-concordia,_ Shou had never been an alchemist.

As soon as help of any kind arrived, there was no doubt that Judai was gone.

His funeral was a solemn affair, black-clothed relatives, strangers and friends, with the stench of incense in the air and smoke from the crematorium. The body had been well-groomed, face clean of blood and dust, a neatly-cut fringe covering up whatever had occurred to Judai's eye. It looked incorrect somehow - sickly, with perfect makeup and a false complexion that suggested he was only asleep. It wasn't right to see him this way, thought those that had known him.

Judai, as all had wordlessly agreed, should not have died so young. The suit felt too stiff, too wide in the shoulders, and its wearer would never have chosen a tie, not for any reason. Judai would not have wanted to hear a hundred people cry for him, nor wanted the burning of incense. He hated both things, everyone knew. He had preferred the smells of warm food and home comfort, and he had loved the sound of laughter.

Though the thought was unsaid, Shou agreed with what he'd heard on the wind, that Judai might, at least, have liked the flowers. Red had been his favourite colour, and his mother had chosen carnations. She had not, for a moment, thought of white lilies.

 _No parent should live to see their child die,_ they said, over and over. But such was life.

People prayed for those who died too young. Shou didn't know whether he believed in prayers; not any more.

He'd heard Asuka crying, still in firm denial that she had played any part in ending Judai's life. Fubuki had stood by, embracing his sister. His own hands had trembled; even if there hadn't been any hope left, neither of them could let go of the fact that they'd held the blades in the end. Shou couldn't help but feel deeply ashamed, too, knowing that it was his fault, and that he had involved her, and her brother.

Manjoume had stood alone, there behind them, arms folded, face stoic. Shou had passed him by and swore he'd heard him sob too. What Manjoume had not seen, he'd heard, and probably felt, more so.

Once, Asuka had looked back, but by then, Manjoume was no longer there, as if he had been just an illusion.

The ones Judai had known and loved had come from all over. So were many faceless ones, friends of families, people Shou had never seen and would never truly meet. A few strangers, odd amongst the mourners, had stood and walked away. A homeless man had walked past in search of change; he had walked away with a tear in his eye. Shou had stood there amongst them, still wrapped in his brother's old coat. He had spend more time on his own, fingering the tears on its back; the remnants of complete _unitas_. The people had pitied him, too. First, Judai's family, then Judai's friend.

Words were whispered amongst the crowd. _Poor child. First, his brother, and now his best friend._ The more he thought about it, the sicker he'd felt. He had refused to speak for hours.

When he had finally come home, far too late and on the verge of collapsing, he had come face to face with his father. His eyes had been empty, just as they had been on the morning of Ryo's death. Alcohol clung to him like a demon.

Neither of them had anything to say. Shou didn't want to say anything.

Still, he was alive. He had his memories, in the shape of a tattered, still-too-large coat, and two stones in his hands, black as night. He had picked them up without realising, off a floor wet with blood and ruined with dust.

Even looking at them made his stomach turn. He knew he would have to throw them away. Only the Tenjoin siblings had seen them being clutched in his hands, hidden among too-long ebony sleeves. There was no use keeping them. He could not use them. He did not want to learn any more.

It was only after he came home from the funeral that he fell deep into thought again, fingering the fading red of the scar on his chest. It was healing. The wound was slowly coming together again, slower than the small, barely-there cuts on his back, but healing still. He had been told he was lucky; his phantom attacker - who had to be, along with the collapse of the building, Judai's killer - had just missed his heart.

It was a terrible lie. There had been no other option.

There had been no attacker. Shou had executed the act himself. He'd dealt the finishing blow, though the original injuries had not been his fault - the building collapsing had been to blame in the end. Some details nobody had had to fabricate.

If the intention had been to kill, then indeed, Shou Marufuji had slipped through intentions.

He had let Judai go, even if his attempts at alchemy had not bore fruit.

He'd succeeded at the intention of exorcism, at least. He was not cursed, like he had suspected. He'd rid his dearest friend of his pain, and in the end of it, that was the truth. He had struggled through everything, and come out alive. He had a weapon, and fought. He had done what he had worked hard to achieve. He had tried as hard as he could.

His struggles had made him an _exorcist_.

He would learn to live on, through the pain of death dogging his footsteps.

* * *

A few silent, borderline empty days later, he felt it for the first time.

It was hard to put a name to the feeling. It was if his chest had grown heavier, and his mind was filled with thoughts and branches leading to ideas that had not been there before. He'd felt something, a presence, quicken within him; he had not been able to give that sensation a name. Every muscle felt unused, each action new and somehow unfamiliar, as if he had never made a move in his life. It was as if he had died for an instant - then been rebuilt, restitched, bit by bit, from the ground up.

Since that day at the warehouse, he had struggled to feel. All motivation had ebbed away. His soul had turned to paper.

And yet, there and then, for the first time in almost a week, he felt… _alive_ again. His body wanted to get up, to walk and to run, and to speak, just as he had done in the days before Judai died.

He didn't understand it, not for a while. New energy flowed through his entire being. He'd suddenly felt new courage, and chose to leave the house after a week. He felt the wind fly through his hair, and saw the sky, a clearer blue. The clouds of the day of the incident had left, and though it was still springtime, the air seemed that little bit warmer as he walked outside that day.

He let himself breathe. He accepted a lone call from Asuka, agreeing to meet up the following day for lunch with herself and her brother. They cried there again, together, shameless and in need of each other, not caring if it mean that others would stare.

That evening, with fresh breaths in his lungs, he made the decision to take his blade out again. In the dead of night, with his brother's old jacket on, he'd left the house, sneaking into the same alleyway where he and Judai had continued to meet.

His escape had been unceremonious. His father knew the truth, and he wasn't going to be stopped any more, but he still found the idea of talking about it too strange. With time, he thought, he would grow used to it, and maybe speak to his father about it, but now was not that time. He heard the sounds of the city, and thought of the streets instead as he reached the alley where he and Judai had practiced so often. He'd almost called it 'their' alley again, changing his mind after remembering that he would be alone.

The night was quiet, with no signs of strangers. A cat moved above, silhouetted under a flickering streetlight. Shou remembered the visits.

Judai had shown him the tricks with the stones here, and he had practiced his skills with the pseudo-weapon in the dark. They'd brought torches and tried to trick one another with lights on one night, and placed old cartons and boxes around the alley in an attempt to see how silent the two could be in absolute darkness.

They'd shared jokes and stories out here. Between lone, parked cars and discarded boxes, they had looked at the stars, and held hands in the middle of the night.

He remembered the kiss. The first time, at least. The street had stank, just as it did now, and the ground was far from warm and comforting, but Judai's hands had been warm. They'd sat together, borderline asleep, sneaking home after their times together.

He missed Judai. Judai had been the first alchemist he'd truly known, let alone befriended.

 _And loved, too._ He'd sinned. He had to learn to let go. He'd tried to save him and failed. No man in records had achieved alchemical perfection, and neither would he. It wasn't possible; not for him, or anyone else.

Life had ended there. At least, he had ended his pain.

Now, it was time to move on.

One hand in one pocket, he felt the shadowstones between his fingers. The two stones that had ended things on that day. He was sure he'd felt some kind of shock in his hands at the same time as one of the knives had entered his chest, and Judai's too.

He had dropped the stones.

He had let them fall. It had been too hard to keep holding. After the shock he had felt, he had fought to stay stable. He had lost the fight.

He had taken them again, choking and screaming. He had not wanted to leave, even after it was certain that Judai had stopped breathing. He'd refused to let go of the stones, keeping them clutched even as the Tenjoin siblings had laid him on the ground, dragging the blade out of him and trying to stop the bleeding.

They had called him insane. In the end, they had been right. The idea had been mad, and it had not succeeded. Judai was gone.

There had been a thrust and a shock in his hands, and something had jolted him, all through his body, but the feeling was gone. He had felt barren for days.

Seven days had gone by. He was only just starting to feel like himself again.

He knew he wouldn't forget Judai, not for a long time. Not until death.

Taking the stones out, he wished for a little light in the darkness. He could see his hands well, but the two shadowstones blended in with the night. If he stared hard enough, he knew he could try to see the violets and blues within each one.

He didn't want to. Part of him wanted to throw them away. Another part knew it couldn't.

He hadn't been able to hold the phone in his hands when breaking Daitokuji the news. He had wanted to run, to never speak to anyone again, to try and forget the guilt clawing away at his insides, but it had been his duty. Nobody else knew the alchemist well enough.

After that, Shou decided he would never involve himself with alchemy ever again.

The stones were still there. He squeezed them tighter in his hand, knowing they had to be let go of.

He couldn't.

Standing up, and taking a few steps forward, where he had room to practice, he held out his other hand, out to face nowhere. He thought of Judai. When they'd first met, that was what he'd done - offered his hand.

The handshake never did happen that first time. They'd shake hands and hi-five in the months after that. They'd held hands, clutched shoulders. More than that, once.

Shaking his head, Shou dismissed the memories. They were all gone. It was finished. He had to let go.

In one hand, he still held the stones, and the other was out. He closed his eyes, calling forth the weapon he knew. _Come on. At least I still have you,_ he thought. _You're all I have._

He had the family inheritance; the true form of the _Soul of the Kaiser_ , the thing he had both loved and hated intensely. He felt a faint stream of light caressing his fingers, the first flickers coming to take shape in his palm.

Something brushed against his hand.

The sparks disappeared without warning, goosebumps rising and hairs standing on end. Shou's head turned abruptly - left and right and behind and in front of him. He gasped out loud.

 _No,_ he realised. He had really felt something.

Just under his palm, as if supporting his hand, yet feeling light as a feather -

"Who's there?" Shou fretted, shivers running down his spine. There was nobody there, but he'd felt something, and that he was sure of. Something had touched him. Yet, around him, there was nothing at all, not even shadows, not even animals moving around in the gutter.

Slowly, gradually, in a way that felt familiar almost, the feeling grew warmer. _No,_ Shou shook his head as he realised, he really was feeling something. Like a ghost on his skin, the feeling was just like the last time, when Judai had been alive, and his hand had been warm with more than the pulse of _unitas_ tying them together, perfectly bound. There was more than a hand; it was spreading, as if something - somebody - was pressed to his back, some head leaning on his shoulder, soft breaths tickling his scalp and something lingered at his cheek, like the flutter of eyelashes.

There was nothing there at all; nothing visible, but he felt it. He felt the same urge and the same drive that he hadn't felt for the last week, when it had been cold and his spirit had been confined for the second time in those months. He had lost his brother, and he had lost Judai, but something about how he felt now - what he felt now, the warmth, the old pressure of hand-against-hand, the thrumming rhythm beginning to sing again in his heart as his soul responded to something else, something a little different than usual, the same rhythm but now within himself.

He gasped out loud. Something in his chest, in his mind, behind his eyelids, too, all at the same time, seized up. He struggled to hold back the pricking at the corners of his eyes, even as he closed them to look away from the moonlight.

_Hey, don't cry. I mean, you don't have to. It worked, didn't it? We did something, right?_

In his eyes, through the prismatic effect of a teardrop, a thousand unintelligible colours were beginning to dance again. He could hear thoughts that were and weren't his own, all at once, like the refrain of a song he was used to, and had dreamed of hearing again. He could feel the faint touch of someone's hand on his fingertips, uncertain and wary, but growing more certain by the second.

There was the familiar beat, some kind of pressure he couldn't quite explain, some unintelligible hum in the back of his head before a snap - then, a flow of emotions, something he had felt before, something impossible to fight, that he could feel himself sinking into.

He was feeling something amazing again, and this time was the most beautiful.

He let the tears spill, feeling those ghostly limbs wrap around himself, caressing, breaths warm, ethereal but most definitely present.

He let himself cry out his name.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'nothing/hope'
> 
> EPILOGUE THIS SATURDAY


	27. epilogue - unitas/concordia

**Final.**  
**_unitas/concordia  
_ _an epilogue_**

The night was thick. Clouds in thin feathers flocked sparsely around the sky. Indigo surrounded everything above and below, small stars spread like powder. Moonlight crowned the darkness, a full eye gazing downwards. Somewhere in the distance, a dog was howling.

A figure stood in the darkness.

He was perched atop a wall, not too high, but one he had tried and failed to clamber years before. Balance had come naturally, over years of practice; now, the stand seemed effortless.

A gentle wind caressed pale cheeks, though the figure did not as much as falter. Misty eyes of grey-green viewed all around him, sharp and defined. He saw all colours, the blues of midnight and of royalty, washed-out ivory amongst shades of violet in odd corners tinted with light.

The streetlights had mostly gone out. Few were awake below.

Shou let out a single breath, white puffs trailing and fading out into the beyond. If it was cold outside, then he did not notice. His eyes traced over the skyline.

_Smells bad out tonight. Air's thick with all things dark and miserable. Just like it always is, huh?_

The voice he heard - one that only he could hear - was firm, but reassuring; though he himself knew the same thing, it still filled him with confidence, even if as much as a year had passed after he had heard it speak again for the first time.

"I know," he said, out loud. Some things refused to change, even if he, and the city constantly did.

He had come a long way. He could sense it in the blink of an eye, or a heartbeat. Definite, faint yet defined, like the pulse of some song, something was present in the city tonight. Not close by, but the signature was there. He felt it stirring, shifting, revolving.

_Yup. …I know, I was right. You want to go after it?_

Hands turned to fists, as if to answer. The answer was obvious.

A smile formed in the darkness. "I kind of _have to_ , you know…"

In the corner of his eye, Shou almost saw the voice's owner again, shoulders raised in a carefree shrug. He seemed surprisingly relaxed, given the situation, but that had always been _him_ , careless and fretless and somehow fortunate enough to have lived and achieved the things that had defined him. For a second, it was as if his thick brown hair was being messed up by the breeze again, eyes bright and fierce, ready to take new challenges by the hand and run wild with them.

_It's your call, I never said you have to!_

"It comes with the bloodline, I guess."

_True, I'm not going to fight you about it._

Shou was sure he felt it then; a gentle, faint warmth, perpetually present yet now more present than ever, almost caressing. Ghost-like but far from unwanted, a palm pressed against the back of his hand, fingers that weren't really there sliding between his own, coming together to lace.

Together, there was contact. Blood, electricity, everything; he felt true energy, pure chaos, flowing within him. The resonance of two souls, bound together, was about to kick-start the melody in his ears and the strange scent of flowers around him.

_You ready, then?_

His eyes closed for a second. Prepared for anything -

_Let's do it!_

Sure, fierce, bowing to nothing, he took that hand that only he felt, body pushing him forward to run. He felt the same strength supporting him as he approached the edge of the wall, bounding forth into a leap.

His right hand dove into one pocket, reaching and withdrawing and tossing them up into the air as he leapt, the two shadowstones catching the light, edges glinting sharply against the black. Above his open hand -

\- and he felt the hand that had held his own move, letting go and rising above them, so the stones were still in the air, but between their palms - and with a spark, a streak of light pierced both stones. Forming a line that went through and beyond, a silver bolt took shape above Shou's hand, shining and elongating, tip curving ever so slightly, growing sharp as a newly-forged blade.

Almost material now, the hybrid of _naginata_ and glaive took shape, about to fall into his hand the second his feet hit the ground. A faithful, old, familial weapon, just as his brother had bore it, and his father, and all of the others before him. His now -

_It's part mine too, you know! Don't take the credit!_

He felt fire light his veins with the shout in his head.

Trails of gold thread lit up around the shape, twisting and dancing like thick ribbons. The warmth Shou had felt when that hand and his were together surged through his entire being, spreading, small sparks fading out as the polearm's shaft materialised and fell, fitting perfectly into his hand. The blade caught the light, as the stones of dark had, and shone with its tint, true and as wild as the sea.

Judai was his friend, opposite, partner and counterpart in true _unitas-concordia_ , and they were united like this. They were part of each other, and they lived on with their ties; unbroken, unbreakable.

His eyes adjusted to focus, each finely-forged detail of the weapon stark with shadow and light. The trailing chain carved on the shaft glittered, a new, golden thread weaving in and out of the silver links. Where the blade swung, as Shou manoeuvred the polearm around himself and into the comfort of both hands, an after-image of golden dust remained.

Dark tendrils danced around pale fingers, with the metallic sheen of the weapon reflecting the moonlight. Light and darkness combined; in their hands was a blend of both alchemy and exorcism.

The _Soul of the Kaiser_ lived on, still within their soul, together. One day, another generation might wield it too. It lived on for that sake, but no other being, blood-related or not, would ever possess the same form that their hands - one visible, the other only a presence - had forged out of darkness and light.

They called it _Wishmaker._

Their existence was a miracle in itself, something neither he nor others could entirely explain. From that, they'd named it for the golden sparks and the coming together that the blade symbolised: harmony and unity, one and the other, together, everything at once.

Their blade was a maker of wishes, that which would bind worlds and break barriers, just as they had broken the status quo as two separate entities. First _unitas-concordia_ , then soul alchemy had been their proof: they'd destroyed expectations, and they would continue, onwards and into the future, bright and burning amongst darkness and light.

_I'm with you!_

Judai's voice rang clear through his mind. Shou nodded with it, ready to spring. He felt - borderline _smelled_ \- the shadow out there, in the distance. It wouldn't notice for a while. He braced himself.

The feeling of Judai's hand returned, to both hands this time, entwined and ready to help. Shou smiled. Relief and excitement and will, all together as one, coursed through veins set ablaze. In their hands, Wishmaker sang. Battle was coming.

_The game is on!_

So swung the blade in the night.

* * *

_**the end** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'unity/harmony'
> 
> I started writing this a year ago. I never thought I could do it. I have.
> 
> Thank you to everyone for all your help and support. It couldn't have happened without you. That's 'you' as in the kind people who communicate with me on the internet, the nice people I happen to know in real life, and all the rest who definitely played some small or large part in the making of this. You're wonderful, and you kept me going for so long. I will write more some day - check my tumblr and I may even ask for some input on future work.
> 
> Above all, thank you to my muse.
> 
> Once you were just the the writer whose work changed my simple 'like' into 'adoration'. Then, we became friends, and a lot can change in a year. Three thousand miles became zero, even if just for a few hours. Miracles exist.
> 
> I said once, that one day, I'd say this: "I wrote all of this for you." Now, I can say it.
> 
> With love, Celestos  
> September 2016


End file.
